Another Girl In Love With My Boyfriend

[leolover]

Whoops, I just posted this in "dating" but I think it would probably be better for this forum.

 

Okay, so I've been dating my boyfriend for six months. We have a great relationship and we love each other. We both have felt more intense feelings for each other than we ever have for anyone else. We are 22.

My boyfriend lives in an apartment with a bunch of guys and it's never quiet. It's almost like a co-op, people are ALWAYS coming and going at all hours of the day and night. There is a girl who is friends with him and all of his friends, she's like one of the guys almost. She is only 18--she seems way older than that, she started college 2 years ago. She does seem kind of immature in the ways that she handles her relationships and in the fact that she seems to deal with stuff through weed and alcohol a lot. But other than that she always seemed cool to me, if not distant to me. Now I understand why...about a week ago she told my boyfriend she was falling in in love with him. He explained that he loved me (as she started to cry), and he told me about it after, which of course i'm happy about. She explained that she would have to take time away from him and that she would stop coming around his apartment. Also, apparently she is sort of seeing someone so this seems even more out of the blue.

 

Instead..she's been around every day. She still comes and goes just as much, if not more than ever. She doesn't know that I know about what happened. I don't plan on saying anything to her, and I don't want to. But I feel very uncomfortable when I see her and I don't want to have to continue this way. I'm considering going over to his place less. Yet it still seems borderline wrong to me that she's over there several hours a day even if i'm not there. I'm not perfect, but I don't consider myself an overly insecure person. Sure, I've had insecurities, everyone does, but I'm not paranoid that he'll cheat on me or anything or go for her. I just don't feel comfortable about this situation.

 

Am I reacting normally? What should I do?

[Cealabeala]

Um... wow...

 

Can I just say that I really admire you for how you have handled this so far, you have acted so dignified. Of course your feelings are normal. If I was in your position I would feel extremely jealous/ worried/ insecure/ OUTRAGED.

 

This girl seems like trouble, and also slightly unhinged. The fact that she still feels comfortable coming over so often despite what happened between her and your boyfriend is really weird. Why does she not feel embarassed by it? She doesn't know that you know, and that might not be a good thing. If she knew you know she might feel less comfortable being there. Whatever you do, DO NOT stop going over there. Think about it, avoiding his place because of this makes absolutely no sense. You are his girlfriend.

 

Your boyfriend sounds great, and it was good that he told you about this of course. But, he is a guy, and it sounds like this girl is not taking no for an answer. What if she was drunk/ stoned one night and decided to try and seduce him? Could he resist sex handed to him on a plate? I don't want to freak you out or put fears into your head, but I think you need to think about what exactly is going on here, and what potential outcomes there could be. The reality is this homewrecker is in your boyfriends house all the time, you know she's crazy and has convinced herself that she loves him. Of course he would be as much to blame if he gave into her but at the end of the day, that happens all the time. I hope he's one of the small percentage of guys who are NOT like that, but mistakes happen, and alot of them could probably have been prevented if the situation was anticipated and avoided.

 

I don't know whether the other guys in the house, her friends, know what happened but maybe they need to. Your boyfriend could let them know that he didn't really want to see so much of this girl, and ask them to stop inviting her over so much. If she still doesn't get the message I would serioulsy recommend asking him to let her know YOU know what she did, and its making you uncomfortable that she is always there. If she disagrees, he can say she has already admitted she should be taking a break from him, so why isn't she doing that? Its obvious that it would suit everyone if she didn't come over anymore. The other guys can meet up with her somewhere else if they want to.

 

You need to let your boyfriend know how much this is bothering you. Of course you don't want to seem jealous or possessive but I can reassure you that your feelings are absolutely normal, and most girls would have demanded that their boyfriends never see this girl ever again even if it meant moving out. Tell him to put himself in your position and how he would feel if the situation was reversed. If he cares about you he will do everything he can to sort this out.

 

Good luck!

[Reality Drip]

You're acting normally.

 

If the sole purpose of her visits are really just to spend time with your boyfriend as "friends" then you need to step it up and let him know he has to ask her to cool off.

 

In the event that doesn't work then talk it out with her. She obviously doesn't care what you think since she's still hanging around and declaring her love for your man. Make your presence known.

 

Men are attracted to confidence. Not over-bearing jealousy, but confidence and a splash of protection. Make it known he's yours.

 

I commend him for not cheating if he hasn't yet; it tough to say no when there's low-hanging fruit like that in front of you for several hours per day.

 

-Max

[leolover]

Wow, I didn't see these replies until a week later. Well to update, in the past day or two she hasn't shown up, but that's only because due to summer travel plans for the other roommates, my boyfriend is the only one left in his apartment! For the past couple of weeks she was over all the time, even when all the other guy friends were gone, she would come over with one of the guy's girlfriends whenever she needed to get something from the apartment. The thing is, even though she comes around all the time, she acts really weird/awkward around me and my boyfriend.

 

This situation has really stressed me out, and i've told my boyfriend many times how uncool i was with it. I know he realizes that it's a messed up situation and that he would hate it if it were reversed, but he also hurt me by being inconsiderate. He was considering going on a road trip to this girl's house in her hometown with another couple, until he realized how upset it would make me, and then later on he even went hiking with her and this couple. I was absolutely crushed, and devastated. I really don't suspect anything is going on, he told me he just doesn't want to have to stop hanging out with his friends in a group setting, just because she'll be there. I was actually very angry, and mentioned how these situations should have been exceptions, considering I already put up with this girl being around and have never mentioned anything to her.

 

Another thing, she SPECIFICALLY asked him not to tell me about it, but he did anyway, so he doesn't want me to say anything to her partially for that reason. Which of course I guess would make things pretty convenient for her if she actually was trying to steal him and thinks i don't know.

 

It's such a weird situation, and honestly my boyfriend and i NEVER fight, i would say our first fight ever probably stemmed from this situation and how hurt i was, which is really sad.

 

He thinks he might just have to say something to her, but I feel like I've been a good girlfriend. I told him that I didn't want him to entirely lose his friendship, but at the same time, I can't expect him to keep the friendship the way it was, and neither can he, if he wants to keep me!!

 

This has been so confusing and hurtful, especially considering neither me or my boyfriend has any idea what the hell is going on in this girl's head.

 

Thoughts?

[leolover]

Also, this is such a "chill" apartment, with so many people coming and going, that she just comes whenever she wants, there is no "inviting". And to tell her not to come would definitely cause some drama, since I doubt she's told many people about what happened and she's such good friends with them it would just probably stir things up. obviously she should just not be coming over since that's what she SAID she would do, but she lied about that.

[Eeyore79]

he even went hiking with her and this couple. I was absolutely crushed, and devastated.

It is completely unacceptable for him to go on a double date with this girl and another couple. This would be a dumping offence for me.

 

she SPECIFICALLY asked him not to tell me about it, but he did anyway, so he doesn't want me to say anything to her partially for that reason.

He should say "Sorry, I don't keep secrets from my gf", and let her know that you know about the situation. He shouldn't allow her to think that they're keeping any secrets from you.

 

I told him that I didn't want him to entirely lose his friendship, but at the same time, I can't expect him to keep the friendship the way it was, and neither can he, if he wants to keep me!!

You do want him to lose this friendship, and so should he! This girl may be a friend of his, but she isn't a friend of your relationship... and your relationship should be his highest priority. He needs to end his friendship with her.

 

 

Your bf isn't being particularly fair here... it sounds like at the very least he's getting an ego boost from this girl's interest in him, and he isn't putting you and the relationship first. He needs to stop hanging out with her one-on-one, and he needs to tell her that it's inappropriate for them to be alone together since she's confessed her interest in him. Ideally he should stop hanging out with her completely, but if she's part of his group of friends then at the very least he needs to avoid being alone with her. He should most definitely not be egging her on by taking her on double dates!

 

I question your bf's commitment to you, given that he hasn't immediately kicked this girl to the curb. You need to insist that he draws some appropriate boundaries with regard to spending time with her, and makes it clear that he's not interested and that you know what's going on. Then maybe you need to have a quiet word in her ear about staying away from your bf. If he isn't willing to back off from his friendship with her, I'd suggest that you break up with him, because he's choosing her over you.

[leolover]

Ok, let me just say he never hangs out with her one and one. I wouldn't say that that situation would be classified as a double date, because he was hanging out with the couple, who he's friends with, and the girl happened to be there as well, what hurt me is that it could APPEAR to be a double date to her or to anyone else. Yes, I agree, he needs to be much more considerate to me.

 

Obviously I don't want him to be friends with her anymore, but I don't want to be so bitchy that I demand that he totally writes her off and then have him resent me later for losing her as a friend.

 

It never occurred to me before about the keeping secrets thing, now that you mention it, that bothers me a lot.

 

It's funny you mentioned that she's not a friend of the relationship. I completely agree. When this first happened, he wanted to believe the best in her, saying that SHE wanted the best for our relationship (how stupid can a guy get).

 

In his mind, he just wants things to be normal, which I can understand, so he's not avoiding her when he's around his other friends....which I'm sympathetic to. But yeah, he really hurt me when he hung out with her and that other couple.

[Woman In Blue]

I think to an extent he's enjoying the ego strokes he's getting from some 18 year old kid looking at him with big puppy dog eyes, idolizing the very ground he walks on.

 

Tell him to grow the hell up and quit leading this kid on. His bullsh*t stories, "I just want everything to be normal so that's why I hang out with her and other people," is just that - bullsh*t.

 

He's enjoying it and he knows it. And he's enjoying the attention YOU'RE giving him with your jealousy, just as much.

[stace79]

Ok, let me just say he never hangs out with her one and one. I wouldn't say that that situation would be classified as a double date, because he was hanging out with the couple, who he's friends with, and the girl happened to be there as well, what hurt me is that it could APPEAR to be a double date to her or to anyone else. Yes, I agree, he needs to be much more considerate to me.

 

I think you're mincing words here. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

 

Obviously I don't want him to be friends with her anymore, but I don't want to be so bitchy that I demand that he totally writes her off and then have him resent me later for losing her as a friend.

 

Why? If he's choosing to hang out with a girl who threw herself at him even though it hurts your feelings, what's so great about him?