Social Burnout and Recovering

[JohnM]

I feel that social burnout is a real problem for me (I'm an INFJ if ayone follows personality types) There are times where I kind of lose interest in people, I just want to run away from all connections and social situations. Cocoon myself and wrap myself up in solitude.

 

It comes and goes every couple of months, If I am using my free time to be social too much I start to get burnt out. It makes me tired and weary and conversing and interacting with other people just continually drains me. Even simple questions after a while can begin to drag me down and I just want to shut off.

 

This is usually quite managable, I would put my free time aside and simply break most of the contact I could. But I'm just over 2 months into a relationship and when there is another person involved its more complicated to deal with as I know I will start to get ratty but don't want to pull away too fast. Or whether to explain to her that sometimes this just happens to me and I need my alone time.

 

I feel a bit worn down and my energy is sapped. She works with me too and today when she said (in a completely jokey way and absolutely no malicious intent) shut up I rolled with it and did so for 2 mins. I went away for a drink of water and when I came back she was gone. I asked to go home early as it was quiet and didn't feel like finding her before I went home.

 

Its when I get like this I start to become overburdened by the silly small thoughts that build up in my thoughts and cause my head to become heavy. I know I'll get moody or go into my shell. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with it other than cut off for a few days and take some alone time.

 

Does anyone else get this kind of burnout that comes from being a confidant to many as well as a significant other?

[Ronni_W]

Does anyone else get this kind of burnout that comes from being a confidant to many as well as a significant other?

Yes. Put another way, it is that YOU are not taking the time to care for and rejuvenate your own spirit. There's an imbalance in how YOU are doing your life and fulfilling your many tasks, chores and responsibilities. ONE of your responsibilities is to take proper care of your own mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs. (By 'spiritual', I mean whatever inspires, motivates, encourages and nourishes you.)

 

Your burn-out isn't happening because you're in a primary relationship on top of being confidant to many. It's happening because you're not handling it well (not creating your good balance), not setting healthy boundaries around it, not doing things, on your own and for yourself, that will replenish and re-energize you.

 

You could try 'The Power of Full Engagement' by Loehr and Schwartz. The book addresses this exact problem (of burning ourselves out and not even realizing that/how we're doing it to ourselves.)

 

Best of luck...and ideal balance

[JohnM]

Thanks for the advice, well put. I can usually sense when I'm doing it. But I tend to pack my free time with socialising with my friends and close ones. I need to start setting aside some time just for me to take it easy within so that it doesn't just go through extremes of super social and then me closing myself off when I get burnt out.

 

Easier said than done, I usually don't realise its happening until it is upon me.

[Ronni_W]

I usually don't realise its happening until it is upon me.

From now on, though, that is just going to be your excuse...because now you know better, so it really is on you to just start doing better, yes?

 

I know, I know. Ignorance is bliss. But the sad thing now is that you're no longer as ignorant about this subject as you were before you posted. Which means: when you burn-out next time for having failed to implement some basic self-relaxation & rejuvenation strategies in your life -- you're going to have to own full and 100% responsibility, and then recommit to doing even better.

 

I'm strongly encouraging you to not just keep doing what you've been doing. There's too much at stake, including your psychological and physical health. As well as the quality of your life and relationships. More and more, you'll become impatient, bitter and resentful; drained and depleted; not much fun at all. That's the long-term impact of intermittent but persistent "burn-out" -- it will bite you in your ass at some point.

 

Be proactive and take steps to improve the quality of your life and relationships now. Why not? (At a minimum, invest some time in that book...and money, or pick it up at the library.)

Edited May 22, 2010 by Ronni_W

[JohnM]

Cool, thanks again Ronni. Its true, its quite difficult to make my own time. Because in some ways you feel like you are being reclusive when you tell someone you would rather spend time by yourself. Even though you are not. Its difficult to tell someone you don't want to spend tim with them. It begins worries as they think they have done something wrong or have been asking too much of you. But in the long term its better to be honest and manage myself better. Should I tell her that I get like this sometimes and apologise for maybe being slightly ratty? I don't know if thats me just being over sensitive to it and worrying over nothing.

Edited May 22, 2010 by JohnM
Mispelt name.

[Ronni_W]

when you tell someone you would rather spend time by yourself. Even though you are not. Its difficult to tell someone you don't want to spend time with them.

I wouldn't suggest telling anyone that...or that...and especially not that!

 

Consider that, when it comes to rejuvenating one's own spirit, it's not so much that we'd "rather" spend time alone -- or with other people than our most important loved ones -- but that our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health and well-being depends on us doing so.

 

Exactly the same if we said, "I don't want to spend time with you" -- that is actually a lie. The truth is closer to: I DO want to spend all the time with you that I have to spend with you. But I also have responsibilities to my own health and well-being to which I am obligated to also devote some of my time resources.

 

That is, it is not a choice. If your loved ones want you sane, strong, relaxed, flexible, happy, content and fulfilled...then they will understand that it is not a choice and it is not open for negotiation. (Of course, YOU must understand this first, if you are to help them understand it.)

If your loved ones want you to be a good source of wisdom, love, patience, compassion, understanding, compassion, forgiveness and acceptance for them...then they will understand that it is not a choice.

 

Now. If YOU want to be and have all of that in your life...then clearly you must get to understanding that taking time for yourself and making time for you to create and maintain your balanced-harmonious life is not a choice but a responsibility, an obligation, a commitment that you would be making to benefit not only yourself BUT ALSO to your loved ones.

 

You tell them, "These are my hours for me to do the difficult work of rejuvenating and replenishing myself so that I can be the man, lover, partner, parent, friend, son, uncle, brother and coworker that I really want to be. It is my job and I take it seriously. It doesn't mean that I am necessarily going to be by myself...I may do something with someone else or even a group of others. Whatever I end up doing, though, rest assured that it will be what my spirit wants and needs of me at this time. It is non-negotiable. Thank you for your understanding."

 

Something like that. First, you have to realize it's value and importance for you AND for your loved ones -- and then you won't feel guilty for using some of your time resources on yourself and for doing what you must, to reach your highest vision of yourself...for yourself AND for your loved ones.

 

Yes?

Edited May 23, 2010 by Ronni_W
clarification