fixing the rift betweem my wife and mother

[stevieb]

The trouble began 4 months before our wedding. We had been together for 5 years before this point. My mother & (now) wife had always gotten along very well. We decided early on that we wanted to involve every one from both families so that no one felt left out. My wife’s sister & mother started some trouble with my family over the wedding. All of the issues were petty jealousy stuff. My mother decided to “back-off” from helping us plan the wedding. I tried to talk to her & let her know that we didn’t want that, that we wanted her to be apart of everything. The day of the shower my family showed up & basically ignored everyone. They sat in a corner & talked amongst themselves. After the shower they all rushed off for a birthday party for my mother that we were not told about or invited to. We would have gladly joined them the next day to go out & celebrate her birthday. My wife decided that she needed to confront her mother about what had happened, which led to a phone call to my mother from her mother that we thought had resolved the issues.

 

The night of the rehearsal dinner, my mother acted as if she was going to a funeral. My best man asked me what was wrong with my mother. I said I have no idea. My mother asked my wife 3 times at the rehearsal dinner if she was sure she wanted to get married. Her sister made a scene at the dinner as well, which caused a small fight with my sister to occur as her sister & my sister are friends.

 

The day after the wedding we had intended to have a small brunch to thank everyone for being apart of our special day. My mother chose to have a 25th wedding anniversary for my aunt the same day. She announced this a few weeks earlier. We had told my mother, months before that we were that we were doing this, before all the problems happened & we’re told by my mother at the time, that it would be nice to do. We didn’t even get the opportunity to let people know we were having a brunch. I should mention that my family went on a cruise to celebrate my aunt’s 25th wedding anniversary; we couldn’t afford to go as we were saving for the wedding. I was told the cruise was their anniversary celebration my aunts son thought this was the case as well & said as much to my mother.

 

We went to see my family at Christmas. My mother told us she had wedding pictures to show us. The pictures were of her & her sisters, her & my dad, & her & me, not one of the bride. I’ll admit that my wife is a very sensitive person & that she has a tendency to be easily hurt, but I have to agree with her that the events that took place were hurtful. She wants to have a good relationship with my family, especially my mother, but is refusing to go to any more family get-together’s until I confront my mother about this. I have tried talking to my mother but she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. I feel we are being punished for something we didn’t do. This is a very condensed version of all the things that occurred to cause the rift between my wife & mother. How should I approach this with my mother? I want them to get along again.

[moimeme]

Join your wife's boycott. Have a discussion with your mother. Tell her why what she's doing is unfair, and tell her that if she does not change her attitude, you don't need to see her any more.

[Arabess]

Ahhhh Mother's and the Daughter in Law......age old conflict.

 

Truth is....what Moimeme said is right...you now have to make a choice and the choice has to be your wife. Let Mom know this in a heart to heart chat with her. Assure her you don't love her any less....but your place is to stand up for your wife and protect her. Ask your Mom to call a truce before things get any worse. Most Mom's will.....she just loves you....she's not TRYING to make you miserable.

 

It's hard watching your baby boy grow up and love someone more than you. Give her a little slack.

[Thinkalot]

I can really relate to what you are going through. I am very close to my mum, and suffered through a rift which occurred between her and my partner. This occurred during a time when she was living in our home, which made things even worse. I was very upset a lot of the time, and felt very torn between the two. Things were unpleasant for quite some time and after mum had moved out, I started visiting her by myself a lot.

 

In the end though, I had to choose my partner. I stood by him and told Mum that I was in a difficult position, but now had to put my partner first. I explained I understood it was hard for her too (the issue which caused the problem in the first place) and that I wanted to remain close to her also. After a while, she came around and even said sorry, and now she and my partner are friends!

 

If I was your wife, I would be upset too. Nicely and calmly explain things from your point of view to your mother. Do not be aggressive, but clearly state your case. Ask if she could perhaps even ring your wife, to make ammends. If she doesn't, step back for a while, and give your mother a chance to think. Tread carefully.

 

Good luck. It's a tough one, but it will work itself out, if you play fairly and stick by your wife.