Thoughts?

[petiteprincess]

Okay..Let me start from the beginning. I am 30. I met a guy on the internet 6 months ago. Im a very cute girl and yet i was afraid of being rejected. I passed myself off as a completely different person as far as what I looked like being an idiot not even thinking anything about it. I did lie about what I looked like and to be honest... i did not think the relationship would go past a long distance friendship where we would never meet. Well, he fell in love with me and I with him with a few weeks of daily talking. I never mentioned that I lied early on. We eventually met 2 months ago and before he flew here i told him the truth. He was very crushed but met me anyway. Of course the trust was broken and changed his feelings towards me. He decided to stay friends with me since he doesnt have close friends and enjoys talking to me. We did have a rough patch but all is well now. I am still deeply in love with him. We talk daily multiple times a day and text a lot too. The "L" word has not been said again by him or I since before we met 2 months ago. I am still in love with him deeply. I email him and tell him on the phone all the time that I still adore him all the time and have mad love for him. I am now moving to the state where he lives and he said he cant wait to hang out with me. He has kids as well and says i can hang out with them too and him. He refers to me as a good friend now. I am in turmoil because I love him madly and want to be with him as more than a good friend. We are perfect for each other and I know he knows this. I say all the right things at all the right times and he makes me feel great too. I mentioned dating him and he said that he doesnt want a girlfriend or to date anyone because he doesnt wanna get hurt. He is 36 and has 2 kids. He knows i love kids which is a bonus too. I think i should just be persistent and hang out in person with him when i move and see what happens. Its hard because this love i have for him is kinda killing me because i cant stop it no matter what I do. Can anyone offer me advise? I realize he may not physically be into me after he found out who i really was and you cant change chemistry. Its weird cause part of me wants to walk away and see if he follows and part of me wants to just continue and see where it goes.

[Rollercoasterr]

Lying is a huge turn-off to a lot of people.

 

Sounds like he's not interested anymore.

[hoping2heal]

Okay..Let me start from the beginning. I am 30. I met a guy on the internet 6 months ago. Im a very cute girl and yet i was afraid of being rejected. I passed myself off as a completely different person as far as what I looked like being an idiot not even thinking anything about it. I did lie about what I looked like and to be honest... i did not think the relationship would go past a long distance friendship where we would never meet. Well, he fell in love with me and I with him with a few weeks of daily talking. I never mentioned that I lied early on. We eventually met 2 months ago and before he flew here i told him the truth. He was very crushed but met me anyway. Of course the trust was broken and changed his feelings towards me. He decided to stay friends with me since he doesnt have close friends and enjoys talking to me. We did have a rough patch but all is well now. I am still deeply in love with him. We talk daily multiple times a day and text a lot too. The "L" word has not been said again by him or I since before we met 2 months ago. I am still in love with him deeply. I email him and tell him on the phone all the time that I still adore him all the time and have mad love for him. I am now moving to the state where he lives and he said he cant wait to hang out with me. He has kids as well and says i can hang out with them too and him. He refers to me as a good friend now. I am in turmoil because I love him madly and want to be with him as more than a good friend. We are perfect for each other and I know he knows this. I say all the right things at all the right times and he makes me feel great too. I mentioned dating him and he said that he doesnt want a girlfriend or to date anyone because he doesnt wanna get hurt. He is 36 and has 2 kids. He knows i love kids which is a bonus too. I think i should just be persistent and hang out in person with him when i move and see what happens. Its hard because this love i have for him is kinda killing me because i cant stop it no matter what I do. Can anyone offer me advise? I realize he may not physically be into me after he found out who i really was and you cant change chemistry. Its weird cause part of me wants to walk away and see if he follows and part of me wants to just continue and see where it goes.

 

It sounds like he likes you as a person but is not attracted to you. You said you are a cute girl and you probably are; but it sounds like you aren't cute to him. I would say the lying is what turned him off but the fact that he flew you out to meet him even after finding out you lied tells me he was still willing to give it a shot had he been attracted. If a man isn't attracted physically he is gone (at least for a relationship). He doesn't want to hurt your feelings it sounds like so he instead tells you he doesn't want to date anyone; we both know that's not true. He was willing to date you for a long time. He just doesn't want to come off as crude. You can hang around him until you are blue in the face but that won't make him any more attracted to you; he already only sees you as a friend and the only thing hanging out more is likely to do is cement that friendship aspect. The best thing you can do is move on; take it as a sign from the universe that when a man is not attracted to you - he is simply not the right partner for you.

[Citizen Erased]

In what ways are you different from what you portrayed yourself and what you really are?

 

He has kids and he wants someone trustworthy he can include in their life. And for himself too. You lied, it may be impossible to get back to how you guys were before unfortunately.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I also don't understand what you said you looked like and what you really look like? Did you lie about something major?

[petiteprincess]

Well....the pictures i sent him were not of me...ill just say that. I am not ugly but I am only 5 feet tall blonde and a lot of men dont like petite women. I told him i had dark hair and was 5 foot 5. He is only 5 foot 8. We have already moved past that lie. He stated to me after we met 2 months ago, " well you didnt act like the girl on the phone either when i met you". Well hell i was so embarrassed i lied to him that i got all shy and stuff when we met. I normally am not shy at all and in fact am very funny and a great comedienne. I do voice over work on a huge cartoon channel if that helps you know my personality type. I didnt act like i normally do because i was very nervous. I can say he does not trust women at all and hasnt for many years and for many reasons. He has not dated in years because he has been the sole care taker of his kids. He is super picky who gets near them and no other women has ever met them besides their mother-his ex wife. He decided to forgive me because he and I are close. Dont the best relationships start from friendships? I cant help how i feel towards him. I am happy to just know him as he is beyond unbelievable as a person in general. I can say even before i met and told him the truth about my looks that he did try to break it off a few times saying he didnt want a girlfriend...so it had nothing to do with what i look like now.Im sure of it. However, he would always tell me that he was getting nervous to have such deep feelings again because it had been years since he had. I dont know if hes just scared and doesn't wanna label a relationship anything but simply a friend. He told me he doesnt wanna date for fear of being hurt. I think maybe hes afraid of being in a relationship but isnt afraid to love. He calls me first thing in the morning and off and on all day and in fact tells me everything about him....Thoughts?

Edited May 23, 2010 by petiteprincess

[madjac74]

I am only 5 feet tall blonde and a lot of men dont like petite women. I told him i had dark hair and was 5 foot 5. He is only 5 foot 8.

 

You may want to rethink this belief. My GF is 5'3 100 lb redhead and I think she is absolutely perfect. My ex wife was 5'2 110 lbs and obviously very attractive to me since I was married to her for 9 yrs. Obviously you have an attractive personality so you should at least be honest about your appearance and give guys a chance. We all can be self conscious about our appearance. I have always felt I was too skinny and girls only wanted the big muscle types but Ive been in relationships with very beautiful women. My gf is self conscious about her size but she is gorgeous and gets hit on almost daily by guys. But trying to sell yourself as someone else will never work. Thats very unattractive

[SuburbanOblivion]

I've never in my life met a man who didn't like petite women. How much difference is there between your weight and what you described? *That* is something that will make a difference to a guy.

[BettyBoop]

I actually get where you're coming from about "some men don't like petite women" - the reason why, I have discovered, is because they think it is much shorter than it actually is when they see the numbers. Most men will therefore pick the "Above 5'1" in their check-boxes on dating sites, because they think we're ridiculously short. I usually say I am "Above 5'1" just because of that - but I'm exactly 5'1 in height.

 

I met a guy once who, when he saw me, said "Wow, I thought you'd look way shorter than this with your height and all!".

 

However, you said this guy had trust issues with women already - so lying wasn't a very smart thing to do. I'd let him go and find someone where you can start a relationship by being true to who you are. There are soooo many men out there who love us short girls! I've never once met a man who thought my height was anything but cute.

[Spiritofnow]

I actually get where you're coming from about "some men don't like petite women" - the reason why, I have discovered, is because they think it is much shorter than it actually is when they see the numbers. Most men will therefore pick the "Above 5'1" in their check-boxes on dating sites, because they think we're ridiculously short. I usually say I am "Above 5'1" just because of that - but I'm exactly 5'1 in height.

 

I met a guy once who, when he saw me, said "Wow, I thought you'd look way shorter than this with your height and all!".

 

However, you said this guy had trust issues with women already - so lying wasn't a very smart thing to do. I'd let him go and find someone where you can start a relationship by being true to who you are. There are soooo many men out there who love us short girls! I've never once met a man who thought my height was anything but cute.

 

You sound lovely, BettyBoop, and I agree with what you said for the most part, apart from giving up. Trust is something that needs building on especially if someone has experienced having the foundations of their trust crumble. If you are really ready to make a decision either way I would tell him how you feel about him, and ask him whether he could allow himself to trust you? And, then you need to let him know how is answer makes you feel - whether you can manage just being friends or whether you need to be kind to yourself and move on, or whether you are ready to be in a real relationship with him. Ultimately, it's up to him whether he chooses to take that risk. In my experience people with trust issues can build a perfectly healthy and balanced relationship with another person if they are willing to look at the reasons behind their fears and address them. Be mindful to remember that you cannot fix anything for him - it takes hard work and a very strong willingness to be open, but you could have a successful relationship if he IS WILLING to put in the work.

 

this quote comes to mind; "You will either step forward into growth or you will step back into safety" Abraham Maslow

Edited May 24, 2010 by Spiritofnow