marriage and sex!?

[animo]

I'm not used to sharing troubles with strange people but in this case i guess its ok because its anonimous (sorta).

 

My problem is sex, or more specifically, the lack there-of within a marriage

 

Me:

 

I have been married to my wife for 3 years now, we don't have any kids yet but are planning on 2-3 depending on howmuch my wife likes giving birth (hihi). When i first met my wife it became clear very quickly that we had alot in common and shortly after it became clear that we were more then friends....hence we are a couple.

 

Personally i believe that familie comes first. Nomatter what! From my point of view there is nothing more important than your familie, not your carreer, not your friends, nothing. My wife is the most important person in my life, i would do just about anything for her. I have quit jobs in the past because they kept me away from home and my wife. Having said that it should be clear that to me my wife is THE most important thing and spending time with her rates highest on my priority list.

 

I never expected my wife to have the same dedication to me in any way. My dedication to our marriage is purely my own decision. However when we first met, my wife made it pretty clear to me that raising a familie the RIGHT way was the most important thing to her and that all she ever wanted was a good home, kids and lots of love in her life.

 

You might say that we had 'found eachother'

 

Our sexlife was at first not much. I was a virgin when i met my wife. I was however a pretty old virgin (so to speak), my wife had had sex before with some of her boyfriends before she met me so in a way she would have to 'introduce' me to sex.

 

When we became sexually active with eachother it was great to say the least. And so we were happily married and having a great sexlife uptill about a year ago...which is when things started going downhill.

 

Personally i can't understand it. I love my wife, she loves me but somehow she just doen't feel like having sex anymore.

 

I have tried talking to her about it. It has proven to be quite frankly pointless. All i can ever get her to say is that she just doesn't feel like it and that there is no reason why.

 

I have went through blaiming it on everything. Questioning if she still loves me, and she does. I know she does because i can feel she still loves me and she tells me she loves me all the time. I'm not a bad lover either. When i have good sex that means my wife had good sex. I'm not a selfish or clumbsy lover, i'm not an uncreative lover, i take my time for lovemaking (no im not into really freaky stuff ). I'm not unhygenic, i'm not a deadbeat, i'm not a tyrant, i'm not mean....i don't understand really.

 

Whenever we have sex now its simply because my wife really feels like it and when it happens its over very quickly and after its over its really over and i get to wait untill the next time my wife feels like having sex again. From my point of view she has become a very selfish lover

 

Whenever my wife wants to have sex (which means i have been waiting for it FOREVER) she expects me to 'get down' on her. She expects me to show her a good time while she just lies back and enjoys it. Basically i have no more sexlife. My wife no longer makes love to me, i just make love to her whenever she feels like it and as soon as she is 'done' i get to wait untill the next time she feels like it again. I feel like....a sexslave basically =/

 

Ontop of this my wife is now telling me that she is not even sure if she wants to ever have kids (something i really want and something of which she always told me she REALLY wanted). Lately my wife seems to be intrested in nothing but her carreer and anything else will just have to wait. Including me, our sexlife, OUR LIFE.

 

Now i really really do NOT want to leave my wife. I know that if i do i would regret it for the rest of my life. I love my wife and leaving her is actually the last thing i want to do.

 

But in all honesty. I want to have kids some day, i really do. And i dont want to be sexually frustrated for the rest of my life....

 

so....HELP!!

[doniker]

well I haven't heard her side of the story but I think she is just using you until someone better comes along.

 

When you said:

 

My wife is the most important person in my life, i would do just about anything for her. I have quit jobs in the past because they kept me away from home and my wife. Having said that it should be clear that to me my wife is THE most important thing and spending time with her rates highest on my priority list.

 

she knows this and realizes she can do whatever she wants, including not giving you sex, because you will accept it.

 

It's only a matter of time until you get up and leave unless you want to be a man and take control of the situation.

[animo]

True, you haven't heard her side of the story.

 

The problem is i dont think ANYONE has, including me. If only she would tell me her side of the story that would be great indeed. She persists that there is nothing 'going on' and that she does not know why she doesn't feel like it anymore. she tries to tell me that its normal after you have been with eachother for this 'long'. But i don't buy that and when i keep pushing the topic she gets upset =/

 

I can't really believe she is just using me. It would be completely unlike her...or atleast the way i know her.

 

But frankly i really can't judge my situation in any reasonable way. I know for myself that when i am in a relationship with a women that i become very attached and very involved. I am very 'blind' in a relationship so to say. So really i don't know wether i am just blind right now or what is going on, i have no idea but its driving me insane.

 

I dont really have the feeling that my wife does not love me anymore or plans to leave me. We have lots of fun together, we spend as much time as possible together, she tries to cook for me as much as possible (she has a very taxing carreer so it really does require alot of effort from her to start cooking after work). Basically i feel like we are happy, except for the bad sexlife and the fact that she is pushing me away =/

 

I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'unless you want to be a man and take control of the situation'. please elaborate.

[Errol]

Have you told your wife that there is a serious problem in the marriage and that it may escalate into a divorce unless you can communicate and solve this problem now?

 

She may not realize how much this is hurting you.

 

I would suggest some marriage counseling and a doctor visit for her. Rule out medical problems and then get into some counseling.

[doniker]

My wife and I have been together over 9 years.

 

In the beginning we had alot of hot sex regularly. Now we do it maybe once every 6 weeks. My wife never feels like doing it either.

 

But I know the reasons;

 

my wife works long hours and is tired.

 

we have a 7 year old and by the time she goes to bed one of us is asleep.

 

my wife has gained over 100 pounds since we got married and feels unattractive and not sexy.

 

 

But if we do have sex it is still hot and very satisfying.

 

There has got to be a reason why she won't have sex and you need to find out why. It's the only way to solve this problem.

[Arabess]

Animo,

That DOES sound pretty 'lop-sided'.

 

I can also say that time and children does not correct this. In many instances, it makes it worse.

 

I don't know if some counseling will work or if you just need to have a conversation about it. In her defense, few married men get sex as often as they would like it to occur. I really do think that's why many men end up having affairs. SOOO....I think it's important that you address the situation as soon as possible and try to find a compromise which will work for both of you.

 

Please post and let us know if you find a 'solution'. I think lots of guys would benefit from the outcome.

[doniker]

Originally posted by Arabess

In her defense, few married men get sex as often as they would like it to occur.

 

 

I can honestly say I got more sex when I was a single man living alone.

 

Here I am living with my wife and I rarely get any....crazy!!!

[Arabess]

Originally posted by doniker

I can honestly say I got more sex when I was a single man living alone.

 

YEAH Doniker....so do I!!!

 

..........and people wonder why I stay single......

[animo]

I believe i have made it pretty clear that to me its a big problem but then i have never said anything about divorce. Because i dont want a divorce actually.

 

I have been trying to find out the reason why we stopped having sex on a frequent basis but it has proven to be very difficult. My wife is reluctant to talk about it! Actually i get the impression that she doesn't know herself, she tells me she doesn't know. Sometimes she tells me she feels unattracktive and not sexy, but she is, so i don't understand why she would feel that way. She also says that her not feeling sexy has nothing to do with it....

 

Basically i'm in the dark and most of the time when i talk to my wife i'm in the dark more then i was before we talked. I will try to bring up issues of which i thought might have something to do with it and she will tell me it has nothing to do with it....so yeah.

 

Seeking help from councelors or docters will be very very difficult. My wife is uptight and does not like talking about her sexlife to ANYONE, she talks about it to me but i am really the only person she would ever talk to about that. Plus my wife does not really believe in counceling. I don't think i can convince her that things are bad enough for counceling. She persists there is nothing wrong, the only counceling that i will ever see is when i myself go to a councelor but its highly unlikely that i will be able to convince her to join me. She will not have time for it for one and will think its bullpoop for two.

 

In any case. I WILL talk to her again and maybe i should try and keep pushing it for once and not worry about upsetting her, maybe thats what she needs in order for the truth to surface...but i really dont know. I know i'm a pretty easy to talk to kind of person but im really no doctor so yeah. Il keep this thread going, if we ever work it out i will post how we pulled through...

 

Here is hoping!

[Arabess]

I do understand there are people who aren't comfortable talking openly about their sex life....expecially women. However, it needs to be understood that sex is VERY IMPORTANT to how men feel about themselves. It defines who they are.....just as much as their job does. A woman who robs a man of sex.....is actually robbing him of part of his identity as a man. Some men learn to live with it....other's do not.

 

I would have a hard time continuing in a marriage where it couldn't even be discussed. It's too big of an issue to be avoided.

 

And you have YEARS ahead of you......

[VivianLee]

animo,

I've been in your situation (with my husband being like your wife and I being the virgin after he had a few lovers before me) and he lost interest almost from the moment we walked down the aisle!!

Try to get her to counseling. Her pride (not wanting to talk to someone about her sex life) doesn't need to be more important than your marriage and happiness. I hope things work out for you!

[mintjulep]

I'm scared to say this because no one else has, but have you thought of the possibility that your wife is the one having an affair? If you can rule that out, definitely, then there might be other problems - none that I can imagine are you, but you really do need to find a better way to talk to her about it - I'm sure you're at your wits' end if you've already tried talking to her, but maybe approach it in a different way - from a different angle. She might be more receptive to a different conversational tactic.

 

Maybe you can persuade her to see a therapist with you. Just once, and only if she doesn't agree to talk to you. My parents tried counseling when they first got married even though my dad hated it and truly dreaded going. It really helped them get through a tough time, though, and they only saw the counselor once or twice.

[doniker]

Originally posted by Arabess

 

I would have a hard time continuing in a marriage where it couldn't even be discussed. It's too big of an issue to be avoided.

 

 

 

I don't know about that.

 

I would never get a divorce over the fact that I will never have sex with my wife again.

 

I have a child, a house, truck, cars and financial security....I am going to throw everything away because I can't get my rocks off with my wife?

 

I am 40 and maybe it's just not that important to me anymore......there is always Mr. Hand!!

[julieg]

amino speaking from experience-

for some women doesn't feel good about herself it is hard to be interested in sex. she may have a lowgrade depression.

[animo]

You are very right Arabess. Sex IS very important to me personally and i believe to many men. This may sound stupid but i believe that men still do experience a 'sexdrive' differently then women. When i go without sex long enough i simply HAVE to have it or my thinking paterns become seriously biased towards sex all the time. Something which in my line of work is NOT very desirable. I need to have a clear head and when i'm thinking about sex all the time i dont have a clear head =/

 

Now i don't really know if a have a highly active sexdrive or not. I don't think i do. Its not like i need it twice a day to start with or anything. I can go for a week without easy but after a week it really starts to 'get to me'. If i go long periods without sex i get really frustrated about it and mornings in the shower do not make up for it

 

When im frustrated this affects everything. It does not only affect me, it also affects my marriage. Il be a little spicey at times and stress from work amplifies it greatly. When me and my wife were first together and had a good sexlife i was hardly ever stressed out, now it feels like im stressed out all the time.

 

I really really do not want my marriage to fail because of sex. Id like to believe that my marriage is about alot more then sex, eventhough sex seems to be a very important part of it for me.

 

Also, like you said, i have YEARS ahead of me and frankly i am only starting out my life. The way my marriage is now i really dont want it to be for the rest of my life. I need a healthyer sexlife in my life and i want it to be with my wife, with someone i love. I'm willing to go through hard times ahead to save my marriage but ultimatly there has to be a solution at the end of the tunnel, right now i don't see it, which is why i brought this up in the first place.

 

edit for typos =/

[passingthru]

Animo - I hope I'm not getting too personal, but how often do you and your wife have sex, on average? I mean, your idea of never getting it might be totally different than some people's. You say if you go longer than a week you get really frustrated. Well, in my opinion, that might be a little unreasonable to your wife, after three years of marriage, and considering her demanding career. But only the two of you can work out something that works for both of you. The key word is compromise.

 

There are a lot of books out there that deal with this issue. Maybe reading one of them could help you understand her better and vice versa. I recommend "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michelle Davis and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley.

 

My advice to you would be to try not to pressure her or show anger towards her about this subject, as it will only make it worse. Nobody likes to feel forced into something they don't want to do. But maybe after reading the books she will gain an understanding of the dynamics that are going on and how it makes you feel and you can work out a better way of communicating with each other regarding sex.

[animo]

wow, alot of activity on these forums

 

VivianLee: Srry to hear, i hope it worked out/works out for you. I will try my best to get her to talk about it, if not to me then to someones else.

 

mintjulep: Well, one never knows 100% ofcourse. But i am pretty confident that she is not having an affair. I know her well enough to know that she hates dishonesty. If she was having an affair im sure she would tell me about it. She would expect the same from me. My wife values honesty very highly so i trust her in this department and its not like she never wants to have sex anymore. Once in a while she will definitly WANT it. Its just that she doesn't seem to want it frequently and when she does want it, it doesn't seem important enough to make any kind of effort for it so were actually making love and not just 'getting it over with'.

 

julieg: well its safe to say that my wife is under alot of pressure at work. She has a managerial position and she also has a soft heart. Something which does not combine very well since she ends up putting her neck on the line to save someone elses half the time. So this could infact have ALOT to do with it. My concern is that she refuses to talk about it. I can talk to my wife about anything, but i whenever i want to talk to her about something thats 'deep' i have to drag it out her and it will take me weeks just to figure out whats wrong =/

 

passingthru: It doesn't bother me if you ask. We have sex almost never atm. We have a quick go now and then, if you realyl want to put a timestamp on it i suppose you could say we pass eachother in the hallway and have quick sex on our way out every 2 weeks orso. All in all i can actually learn to live with how frequent we are having sex, i would understand it better if this occured at a later age though and not while we are still so young and married only 3 years, what i can't really learn to live with is the fact, fact of the matter is we never have 'proper' sex anymore....if you know what i mean :s

[moimeme]

She doesn't have to go to a counsellor. She can see her physician. A lot of women have biological issues that contribute to lack of desire. It is too bad that she isn't communicative. It is very important to relationships that both partners communicate. Was she this way before you married?

[Arabess]

I wasn't referring to YOU Doniker....it's too late for you! HAHA! I was speaking to a "young man" with all his married years ahead of him.

 

.....I can understand the kid thing....but a TRUCK???? I think I'd rather have sex than drive.....tooo funny!

[mintjulep]

Originally posted by moimeme

She doesn't have to go to a counsellor. She can see her physician. A lot of women have biological issues that contribute to lack of desire. It is too bad that she isn't communicative. It is very important to relationships that both partners communicate. Was she this way before you married?

 

This is true, I never considered that it could be a physical issue. I agree that communication is really important, which is why I originally suggested counseling. Maybe even a close friend? If her sex drive has decreased since you first got married, then there's probably at least some issue. It's not as though she doesn't know it's a problem, but maybe she's scared of your reaction to whatever it is that's holding her back. Does she have a stressful job?

[animo]

Originally posted by moimeme

She doesn't have to go to a counsellor. She can see her physician. A lot of women have biological issues that contribute to lack of desire. It is too bad that she isn't communicative. It is very important to relationships that both partners communicate. Was she this way before you married?

 

Yes she can go to her physician. It doesn't really matter because she HATES visits to the physician just asmuch. My wife does not go to the physician for any other reason then when she needs a perscription for her birthcontrol pill, i have taken care of her when she had 40°C fever and she STILL refused to go to a doctor. She is a stubbourgn women. However i never had any problems talking to her before we got married, she was always a very good listener, very patient and very open. Now i have to pry to get to where i want in a conversation and alot of times she gets upset and it turns into a fight at which point i try to 'mend' the situation (before she goes nuts). I can never get to where i want in a conversation anymore, when i start pushing those buttons she gets mad, if i keep pushing she goes nuts on me =/

 

Its almost asif i have to HURT her feelings to get her to open up and really tell me whats going on. There have been incidents when she will start to hyperventilate or turn blue. Its really NOT pretty and i don't like hurting my wifes feelings to get her to talk to me. Its really not that easy to talk to her about things like this, she tends to take a very defensive stance and feel personally attacked. But there has to be a way for us to talk about things....there has to be a better way to talk about SERIOUS things.

 

mintjulep: My wife will not talk about her personal sexlife with her friends. They talk about sex yes but never personal stuff, she is to uptight for that. Yes my wife does have a stressfull job and yes she does suffer from stress (she denies it completely but its VERY obvious), my wife also involves herself in politics next to her her dayjob. She is an excellent debatist which makes it even harder to talk to her, she is very good at dodging questions

[passingthru]

It appears that there are many factors within your marriage that are affecting your ability to communicate with your wife effectively on any level. That would obviously affect your sex life as well. You can't separate the two. If you have that much trouble communicating and if her feelings are hurt much of the time, no wonder she doesn't feel like having sex. It sounds like BOTH of you need to work on your communication skills. Seriously...read a good book on the subject if nothing else.

[animo]

Yes your probably right. It would be nice to have a conversation with my wife once where it does not matter who is 'right or wrong'. Opinions are a very delicate thing. If our conversations get to the stage where opinions play a part it mostly leads nowhere fast. In my opinion we dont have enough sex, in her opinion we do.....so what are you gonna do?!

[Arabess]

Just a question?

 

If you are having a hard time discussing things with her now.....what will you do when you have child issues to discuss? And have you agreed on if she will mind you being present when the baby is born?

 

Maybe she is having female problems or maybe there is something in her past she hasn't dealt with.....I'm sure she is a wonderful person beyond that. But....this is YOUR life too! You can't come to an agreement if she won't even talk to you about it.

[animo]

I know what you mean but..

 

If im not fully happy in my marriage there wont BE any kids. I refuse to go through a devorced life where you have to drag kids around. If i have kids it will be in a familie where they have a mom and a dad in the same house. I want to set a good example for them and show them that 2 people can stay married to eachother for their entire lives if those two people are 'right' for eachother. If me and my wife cannot solve this then i dont think our marriage will last. It wil just lead to more stress and frustration. I dont see anything good coming from it frankly. There is currently nothing which binds me to my marriage other then the fact that i love my wife and aslong as there is love....there is hope. We have a house which we both pay for...if we would ever get to a divorce it will be sold, simple as that. Kids would make a difficult marriage nightmare and i dont think i'm at all rd to sign up for that.

 

I want a good marriage and a healthy relationship. When i have that i can think about kids but right now children are not on the 'to do' list

 

I know i want children 'some day' yes and i know i want it to be with my wife but if it is ment to be i cannot say. Il just have to wait and see.