Can't find many people who I click with?

[Morals]

Hey everybody! First time posting here, so I hope this is the correct section.

 

I recently found myself taking stock of my current social interactions with friends I and I realized I don't have alot of people in my life.

 

I don't have a girlfriend either, and this bothers me a little bit. I see all these people around me my age in relationships and I guess I start to get jealous.

 

I think my main problem stems from the fact that I don't go to clubs or bars. I don't know where to go to meet new people (males and females). I want to increase my male social circle, but I also want to increase the amount of females I talk to so I might find that "right person" one day.

 

I've been trying to date people through online sites and stuff, but they just don't work out. I message 10 girls, finally get 1 to respond, we go out on a date and things just never click.

 

I try to keep positive, but it makes it hard when I start asking people in real life out and I get rejected, and when I get dates online, they never really get that spark that I'm looking for.

 

What should I do?

[ADF]

It is difficult to answer your question without knowing why you seem so unable to "click" with people. Maybe you've just had some bad luck, or maybe your expectations are unrealistically high. There's just no way to know from what you've written.

 

Frankly, in my opinion, club are not the best places to meet women. The atmosphere at most clubs is not happy go-lucky. The atmosphere at most clubs is nasty, hostile, competitive, and occasionally violent. Club feature swarms of drunk guys strutting around like bas-asses, trying to impress women. They also work hard to emasculate and humiliate other men, who they see as rivals for a small number of women. Fights are common, and often vicious. Women in these places often have their guard way up, and are thus difficult to talk to.

Edited May 23, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Morals]

It is difficult to answer your question without knowing why you seem so unable to "click" with people. Maybe you've just had some bad luck, or maybe your expectations are unrealistically high. There's just no way to know from what you've written.

 

Frankly, in my opinion, club are not the best places to meet women. The atmosphere at most clubs is not happy go-lucky. The atmosphere at most clubs is nasty, hostile, competitive, and occasionally violent. Club feature swarms of drunk guys strutting around like bas-asses, trying to impress women. They also work hard to emasculate and humiliate other men, who they see as rivals for a small number of women. Fights are common, and often vicious. Women in these places often have their guard way up, and are thus difficult to talk to.

 

Oh I agree! That's why I don't go to clubs or bars often. In fact, I don't think I've ever been to a "club". I go to bars once in a blue moon though, and only if I know a friend is gonna be there.

 

But my clicking isn't just with females...its males too.

 

I can't even connect with guys my age. I just don't enjoy alot of the same things they do. I don't really like fishing or camping or kayaking. I do go outside, I jog 3 times a week. I'm a little overweight but I've been rectifying that by eating healthier in addition to jogging.

 

It's just that when it comes to actual fun social things to do, I don't know what to do. My few friends I have are actually either from work along time ago, or from high school. And my old high school friend(s) are all into internet gaming like me nowadays.

 

I've been forcing myself to go out and go to baseball/soccer games and other events around, but I again, I only go when I know one of my few friends left is going.

 

I just feel like I'm not meeting any new people. Even at my job which is relatively new, I haven't really connected with anyone. Even the coworkers I work every day with. They all know each other outside of work, and yet I find myself somewhat ostriziced socially.

 

For example: another few people who started the job same time as me have all gotten to be pretty good friend with people from other departments, even hang out. Me, I found one guy whom I chat with occasionally, only because we both used to work is internal tech support in our previous jobs.

 

I just feel like even though every change I've done to make myself better hasn't affected my life like I thought it would.

 

I cut out a large portion of my hours I spent gaming in order to keep up on current events (news) and to start working out more. I've only lost 6 pounds, and keeping up on the social events haven't helped me out in any social situations yet.

 

I started spending more time with my roomate, whom we would usually only see each other leaving for work, and coming home. Not a huge connection, but we are at least compatible for roomates.

 

I started being more open to outdoorsy type events, like farmers markets, and stuff. But I still feel like I'm on the short side of the stick when it comes to social events.

 

I even have a friend whom I hang out with a lot who somehow manages to always be doing something. They are always on facebook RSVPing to art gallery showings and going to concerts, and seeing all these little bands locally, and I just think to myself "How the heck do they keep up with all these things?"

 

I'm getting close to 30 (mid 20's actually) and I feel like my social circle is slowly shrinking, instead of increasing. And that doesn't really bode well for relationships. Every time I think of a relationship, I think that even if everything went well, I would be like that guy in "I love you man" (you know that movie). The one who has no guy friends and spends all his time with his wife. I don't want to be that guy. I want to be able to have time away from my future girlfriend/wife and enjoy my time away.

 

I dunno, hope that information helps you diagnose something I can do.

[skydiveaddict]

What should I do?

 

 

You should go skydiving. You'll meet lots of new people

[Green]

DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF. If you want friends at work throw a party where you give them free boos and food. They will love you for it... And you can use this party to hit on random chicks.... Like say you are at the mall and you see a pretty girl.... "Hi" the girl says "Hey" then you say "I'm throwing party and you should come" "Oh I just met you" then you pull out ur phone and have her put her number in... you txt her right away with your name and the date time of the party... and then u call her before the party to try to get her to go to dinner or something ... unless the party is the next day or something... but you should put the party a few weeks out... Invite a lot people...

 

BARS/CLUBS ARE VIOLENT SCARY ALCOHOL DRIVEN BAD PLACES TO START A RELATIONSHIP.... You will have so much more sucess if you just approach the women you spot in ur every day life weather it be in line at the supermarket or while shopping ect..

[BiAxident]

Oh I agree! That's why I don't go to clubs or bars often. In fact, I don't think I've ever been to a "club". I go to bars once in a blue moon though, and only if I know a friend is gonna be there.

 

"Clubs" that are dark and loud and superficial are a rather poor venue for meeting people, IMO. Bars, however, I think can be a decent way to go. Say you find a local band that you like? Join their Facebook page and attend a few shows. Next thing you know, you're a "regular".

 

It's just that when it comes to actual fun social things to do, I don't know what to do. My few friends I have are actually either from work along time ago, or from high school. And my old high school friend(s) are all into internet gaming like me nowadays.

 

Depending on the size of the town where you live, perhaps there are LAN clubs? I know my city has two such businesses where people just go to game outside of the house?

 

I even have a friend whom I hang out with a lot who somehow manages to always be doing something. They are always on facebook RSVPing to art gallery showings and going to concerts, and seeing all these little bands locally, and I just think to myself "How the heck do they keep up with all these things?"

 

My guess is that he/she didn't spend hours a day like you and I did holed up inside playing [insert game name here]. Sounds to me that this is a person you should keep hanging out with a lot, because you will meet other people through him/her. Having a lot of people in their life was/is important to them, so they worked on it.

 

I'm getting close to 30 (mid 20's actually) and I feel like my social circle is slowly shrinking, instead of increasing. And that doesn't really bode well for relationships.

 

This is a recurring theme that seems to be simply part of growing up; without school, if you dont work at socializing, your circle becomes the people you work with, people with whom you may not enjoy hanging out. Rest assured, plenty of us here can identify with this concern.

 

It sounds like things aren't that bad for you currently. You've got some friends who you can hang out with a sporty-type events, you've got your "gamer" friends, and you've got your "super social" friend. I guess that most people would recomend facebook/myspace/etc to help grow your social circle.

[Morals]

You're right, things aren't that bad for me. But my social circle can probably be counted on the fingers of one hand, with a few fingers leftover. I use facebook, but I generally don't spend alot of time on it.

 

As for the poster above who said I was "Feeling sorry for myself". I'm not.

 

I realized an inadequacy in my life, and I took a look at what I thought might be the culprit. I came here to see if I could get advice. I do believe there is a difference there.

 

Assertive restructuring of my life, or saying no one likes me and doing nothing about it? Seeing as how I've drastically changed a lot of my behaviors over the past few months, I'm willing to bet it's not the latter...

[Els]

Funny. If indeed gaming is your passion, why are you trying to find friends from everywhere EXCEPT it? Screw the stereotype, make friends through games if you like. Some of the best friends I made in college were from the gaming club - we hung out til the wee hours of the morning in cybercafes, had most of our dinners and suppers together, celebrated each others' birthdays and went to see movies... just like any other regular group of friends. I was at a slight disadvantage since I was the only girl so if my bf didn't happen to be around I couldn't go for vacations with them or spend the night at each others' houses... but they did and you can.

 

I have also made several circles of friends from online games who live around the same area, we arrange to meet up pretty often and have a blast. I do have other friends whom I met through other means, but if I had excluded all of my gaming friends from my life, I'd probably only have half the number of friends I do now. I see no shame in that. People who love sports make most of their friends through sport activities. People who love clubs and bars make most of their friends there. What's the difference?

[Morals]

Funny. If indeed gaming is your passion, why are you trying to find friends from everywhere EXCEPT it? Screw the stereotype, make friends through games if you like. Some of the best friends I made in college were from the gaming club - we hung out til the wee hours of the morning in cybercafes, had most of our dinners and suppers together, celebrated each others' birthdays and went to see movies... just like any other regular group of friends. I was at a slight disadvantage since I was the only girl so if my bf didn't happen to be around I couldn't go for vacations with them or spend the night at each others' houses... but they did and you can.

 

I have also made several circles of friends from online games who live around the same area, we arrange to meet up pretty often and have a blast. I do have other friends whom I met through other means, but if I had excluded all of my gaming friends from my life, I'd probably only have half the number of friends I do now. I see no shame in that. People who love sports make most of their friends through sport activities. People who love clubs and bars make most of their friends there. What's the difference?

 

Because of that stereotype. You ever try mentioning that one of your hobbies is gaming on a dating chat site? It's like the kiss of death. I literally had this one girl I was chatting with, say to me "You mean video games? As long as you don't play them all the time".

 

In fact my current dating profile has it on there that I play games, and I've been thinking of taking it off of there as I truly believe by mentioning that gaming is one of my hobbies, that I'm being written off.

 

I have done everything to change my life for the better, more exercise, eating healthier, less games, more socializing when possible. But I still find myself spending around 1-3 hours a night playing games.

 

I enjoy doing it, but the stigma it provides just doesn't seem worth it.

[Els]

So is your aim to have more friends in general or just have a girlfriend? I wouldn't advise that you get a gf through games simply because of the gender ratio, but it's a great way to get friends. As for dating, I would also avoid the online dating sites. No girl worth her salt would write off a man who games as long as it is done in moderation. 'As long as you don't play them all day' is hardly a rejection... Unless you actually DO play them all day, in which case yes, you should definitely cut down.

[BiAxident]

Because of that stereotype. You ever try mentioning that one of your hobbies is gaming on a dating chat site? It's like the kiss of death. I literally had this one girl I was chatting with, say to me "You mean video games? As long as you don't play them all the time".

 

I personally know three people who have found SOs via gaming (in one case it was an oldschool text based RPG), and two of those couples eventually married. If you enjoy gaming enough that you are doing it for 2-3 hours a day, in addition to work and your increased exercise, then finding an SO who is also into gaming might be a good idea.

 

Would you really be happy sitting on the couch watching American Idol with some woman when you could be gaming?

[Els]

I personally know three people who have found SOs via gaming (in one case it was an oldschool text based RPG), and two of those couples eventually married. If you enjoy gaming enough that you are doing it for 2-3 hours a day, in addition to work and your increased exercise, then finding an SO who is also into gaming might be a good idea.

 

Would you really be happy sitting on the couch watching American Idol with some woman when you could be gaming?

 

While this is great advice, I honestly believe the chances are slim. As a woman who has been gaming avidly for the past 10 years or so, I can confidently say that the ratio of men to women in most games is at LEAST 10:1, and single girl gamers are hit on like they're the next Megan Fox. One would stand better odds in a bar even.

 

Also, as someone who has met some of her SOs through gaming, I can also honestly say that for any sort of gaming except casual gaming, I would prefer to do so with friends instead of an SO. Reason being that competitive gaming is, well, competitive. It isn't suited for the sensitivity and complexity of a romantic relationship, and it WILL lead to arguments if you aren't careful. Of course, if all you do is level RPG characters together or play Bejeweled together, I'd say go for it.

[Morals]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

To respond, it's not really about the gaming. I've been doing it less and less to the point of where it's actually not a bad hobby now. Before...well I might class my gaming "hobby" as more of an "obsession" in the past. I used to literally go to work, come home, play games, go to sleep. Rinse, repeat.

 

I'm much more balanced these days and do lots of other things. I still play games, but only for an hour or two a day now, some days none.

 

But back to the main point, my goal is to find friends in everyone, women and men. After I start making friends I know I'll find that special someone.

 

My problem is I do attend social events, but frequently find myself constantly not "fitting in". (I.e. I feel like I'm not contributing enough to conversations, I'm not the guy that everyone wants to talk to.) I hate idle chit chat, it's so boring. I'd rather discuss something interesting like politics, or NY lobbyists preventing alternative power methods from being put in place, etc etc. Something that you can actually discuss and formulate an opinion on.

 

Anyone can chat about their clothes, likes, dislikes, movies, books, etc. But it's not until you discuss something with someone that you can see their true feelings and passions.

 

And not many women that I meet are at that intellectual level.

[You'reasian]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

To respond, it's not really about the gaming. I've been doing it less and less to the point of where it's actually not a bad hobby now. Before...well I might class my gaming "hobby" as more of an "obsession" in the past. I used to literally go to work, come home, play games, go to sleep. Rinse, repeat.

 

I'm much more balanced these days and do lots of other things. I still play games, but only for an hour or two a day now, some days none.

 

But back to the main point, my goal is to find friends in everyone, women and men. After I start making friends I know I'll find that special someone.

 

My problem is I do attend social events, but frequently find myself constantly not "fitting in". (I.e. I feel like I'm not contributing enough to conversations, I'm not the guy that everyone wants to talk to.) I hate idle chit chat, it's so boring. I'd rather discuss something interesting like politics, or NY lobbyists preventing alternative power methods from being put in place, etc etc. Something that you can actually discuss and formulate an opinion on.

 

Anyone can chat about their clothes, likes, dislikes, movies, books, etc. But it's not until you discuss something with someone that you can see their true feelings and passions.

 

And not many women that I meet are at that intellectual level.

 

Check your intellect at the door. Pick it up on the way out.

 

Emotions, observation and timing are your dating tools. Use them efficiently and you will get phone numbers and dates.

 

Rapport is important because it makes your lady more comfortable and vice versa. It is built from the ground up, so that means you have to share and discuss likes, dislikes, movies, books, music etc. If you are good at transitions, you can take a movie, book, like or dislike and bringing up one step into a more political realm - just don't stay there for too long (you checked your intellect at the door, remember)

[Morals]

Check your intellect at the door. Pick it up on the way out.

 

Emotions, observation and timing are your dating tools. Use them efficiently and you will get phone numbers and dates.

 

Rapport is important because it makes your lady more comfortable and vice versa. It is built from the ground up, so that means you have to share and discuss likes, dislikes, movies, books, music etc. If you are good at transitions, you can take a movie, book, like or dislike and bringing up one step into a more political realm - just don't stay there for too long (you checked your intellect at the door, remember)

 

 

Meh, that's your style not mine. Sorry. I'd rather not waste my time chatting with someone I know can't hold an intelligent converstaion. But thanks for your opinion, I'll keep that in mind.

[Sunshine16]

I still find myself spending around 1-3 hours a night playing games.

 

Bingo! I think we've found the problem. I don't mean to slag you or your hobby (my teenage kids like gaming, too) but seriously, dude, it's hard to meet chicks when you spend up to three hours a night -- and I'm gonna guess it's more than that some nights -- in your basement playing XBox360 or whatever.

[neowulf]

Your OP could have been written about me. I can relate to everything you've described.

 

Firstly, I think you're on the right track. Attempting to lead a "balanced" life is a pretty good start. I think it gives you better options.

 

As for finding people you click with, all I can suggest is trying to identify groups of people/hobbies where you're likely to see like minded people.

 

Have you considered night school? Taking a class in an area you're interested in will put to in a room with others who share the same interest. You can also be reasonably sure you're going to be able to have an interlectual discussion or two as well.

 

The other thing is to keep trying new hobbies until you find a group of people you really gel will.

 

Also, you may have to accept to a degree that the vast majority of people you meet are perfectly happy with smalltalk. As someone who probably has even less patience for small talk than you do, I can relate on how frustrating it can be.

 

All I can suggest is keep doing what you're doing, make small adjustments (changing groups, hobbies, classes etc) until you find something that works and people you can connect with.

[Neutrino]

Again and again I notice that those who find it difficult to make friends - are simply more selective (myself among them), and are.... ahum... different to the conventional.

 

Maybe it is the definition of the word "friend" which is also individual and needs to be examined.

 

I'm in the same boat - I work my a$$ off and drive long commutes, by the time I get home - I'm too tired to be interested in meaningless small-talk. The little bit of time and energy I have for a social life - I'd rather spend with those I really appreciate - and yes, a certain level of intelligence is an absolute must, even if opinions are different.

[Morals]

Bingo! I think we've found the problem. I don't mean to slag you or your hobby (my teenage kids like gaming, too) but seriously, dude, it's hard to meet chicks when you spend up to three hours a night -- and I'm gonna guess it's more than that some nights -- in your basement playing XBox360 or whatever.

 

Next time you want to blow smoke and throw around assumptions and stereotypes in a thread, don't. I don't "live in a basement playing xbox360". I share a condo with a single roommate. I work AT LEAST 40 hours a week, and I drive almost an hour commute both ways. I jog at least 3 times a week after I get home, I go out to drinks with co workers on fridays sometimes. Seriously, take your assumptions and shove em.

 

Your OP could have been written about me. I can relate to everything you've described.

 

Firstly, I think you're on the right track. Attempting to lead a "balanced" life is a pretty good start. I think it gives you better options.

 

As for finding people you click with, all I can suggest is trying to identify groups of people/hobbies where you're likely to see like minded people.

 

Have you considered night school? Taking a class in an area you're interested in will put to in a room with others who share the same interest. You can also be reasonably sure you're going to be able to have an interlectual discussion or two as well.

 

The other thing is to keep trying new hobbies until you find a group of people you really gel will.

 

Also, you may have to accept to a degree that the vast majority of people you meet are perfectly happy with smalltalk. As someone who probably has even less patience for small talk than you do, I can relate on how frustrating it can be.

 

All I can suggest is keep doing what you're doing, make small adjustments (changing groups, hobbies, classes etc) until you find something that works and people you can connect with.

 

Thanks, I just feel that alot of my friends have slowly been moving away and it's just harder and harder to make new friends. True friends.

 

Again and again I notice that those who find it difficult to make friends - are simply more selective (myself among them), and are.... ahum... different to the conventional.

 

Maybe it is the definition of the word "friend" which is also individual and needs to be examined.

 

I'm in the same boat - I work my a$$ off and drive long commutes, by the time I get home - I'm too tired to be interested in meaningless small-talk. The little bit of time and energy I have for a social life - I'd rather spend with those I really appreciate - and yes, a certain level of intelligence is an absolute must, even if opinions are different.

 

Completely agree, I'm the same way. It's just too exhausting during the week to do anything once I get home. And during the weekends it's hard to find connecting activities between different people.

[Neutrino]

Whatever you have a lot of - looses its individual value. I guess when numbers of people and ease of communication grow - maybe some of it has lost its value...

 

It is a very lonely world, people who can be genuine friends are few and far apart.

[brokenblade]

It is difficult to answer your question without knowing why you seem so unable to "click" with people. Maybe you've just had some bad luck, or maybe your expectations are unrealistically high. There's just no way to know from what you've written.

 

Frankly, in my opinion, club are not the best places to meet women. The atmosphere at most clubs is not happy go-lucky. The atmosphere at most clubs is nasty, hostile, competitive, and occasionally violent. Club feature swarms of drunk guys strutting around like bas-asses, trying to impress women. They also work hard to emasculate and humiliate other men, who they see as rivals for a small number of women. Fights are common, and often vicious. Women in these places often have their guard way up, and are thus difficult to talk to.

 

 

My type of environment. (For a film anyway)

 

 

But I can relate. Pretty much all of my friends have moved away. I haven't clicked with hardly anyone because they are mostly shallow, small minded and petty/catty. The place I'm at is full of wierdos. (I have people slowing down their cars just to gawk at me. Others are following me around as I'm walking along minding my own business. One of my friends told me that some strange guy in a gray minivan was looking for me and he apparently had bad intentions)

 

So now it is just me, and a bunch of creeps.

Edited May 29, 2010 by brokenblade

[Morals]

My type of environment. (For a film anyway)

 

 

But I can relate. Pretty much all of my friends have moved away. I haven't clicked with hardly anyone because they are mostly shallow, small minded and petty/catty. The place I'm at is full of wierdos. (I have people slowing down their cars just to gawk at me. Others are following me around as I'm walking along minding my own business. One of my friends told me that some strange guy in a gray minivan was looking for me and he apparently had bad intentions)

 

So now it is just me, and a bunch of creeps.

 

That sounds very disturbing. Minivans=bad.

 

But to a degree I can relate. Along with what someone right above just said.

 

Maybe it is about the ease of communication. As our ability to communicate has grown, the level of intimacy from communicating has gotten less. If you think about it letters have a certain amount of intimacy to them. The easier communication has become, the less it means. That's why you see people say "don't ask someone out via text". And it's why the Facebook generation has become something more about gaining numbers of friends, instead of the quality of friends.

[impz]

Next time you want to blow smoke and throw around assumptions and stereotypes in a thread, don't. I don't "live in a basement playing xbox360". I share a condo with a single roommate. I work AT LEAST 40 hours a week, and I drive almost an hour commute both ways. I jog at least 3 times a week after I get home, I go out to drinks with co workers on fridays sometimes. Seriously, take your assumptions and shove em.

 

Completely agree, I'm the same way. It's just too exhausting during the week to do anything once I get home. And during the weekends it's hard to find connecting activities between different people.

 

I have to agree with you. I work 44 hours a week and it's very physically tiring by the time I get home (my country is the most hardworking country in the world, go google if you are keen to find out where this mad country is ). I could care less about having small talk with others, and genuinely want to engage in some activities with like-minded friends.

 

That said, my advice is that I tend to get a bit of escapism through creating content on my blog, or go for some lessons for something I usually don't go for. There, I get to meet up with new friends that I can enjoy discussion. I might not meet a possible wife (and I already have a wife, she wouldn't want me to MEET anyone that can be a threat to her ) but at least I have some friends to share my interest. Then, perhaps it can blossom to something else. So, my advice is really to take classes on something you have a mild interest and get to meet people during the weekend. It might just work.

 

Also, one last thing, don't be too bothered with the reduction of your social life. When work commitments come, it is expected to go down. Be glad you have at least 1-2 close friends. Why do you need so many friends anyway, too much social obligations anyway!

[Els]

I can completely relate to your need for engaging, intellectual discussion. It's a necessary requirement for a partner or even a very close friend in my case. If we don't have the sort of conversations that my mind can still linger in after it's over, or there isn't any wit/dry humor invovled - sorry, not interested. However, you solely mentioned 'political discussion' in your post. Is that a necessity or is it merely an example of what you consider 'intellectually-stimulating conversation'? Have you any other examples? Even with intellectuals, politics may not be the best subject to start off with, as it is a rather sensitive topic - just like race, gender issues, etc. People may be afraid to offend, or may get offended, if they don't know you well. Just my opinion.

[Morals]

I can completely relate to your need for engaging, intellectual discussion. It's a necessary requirement for a partner or even a very close friend in my case. If we don't have the sort of conversations that my mind can still linger in after it's over, or there isn't any wit/dry humor invovled - sorry, not interested. However, you solely mentioned 'political discussion' in your post. Is that a necessity or is it merely an example of what you consider 'intellectually-stimulating conversation'? Have you any other examples? Even with intellectuals, politics may not be the best subject to start off with, as it is a rather sensitive topic - just like race, gender issues, etc. People may be afraid to offend, or may get offended, if they don't know you well. Just my opinion.

 

Well, I used political discussion as merely an example. But I guess I usually let the conversation flow however it goes. The problem I have is I tend to get stuck on subjects, and the conversation sometimes stagnates. Then I quickly switch to something that I know can enrapture people, one of which is politics. Like you said though it's not the greatest can of worms to open up, especially with someone you might be interested in.

 

That being said I still want to engage in stimulating conversation, and yet sometimes I find myself at a loss on how to engage this. I know that trying to get stimulating conversation off the bat isn't something to go for, but sometimes I feel like it's just a big waste of time to do the "small talk".