missmeow Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 I've been friends with a wonderful guy for five years now. We were both pretty shy people, but we clicked immediately and became close. Needless to say, we've been through a lot together! Every single time I felt miserable, he always seemed to know what to say or what to do to make me feel better. He understands me better than anyone else in my life, and even when he walks out and he says it's for good, somehow he walks right back in during my time of need. Recently, I got out of a long and serious relationship. He was my first for a lot of things. I wish I could say that it ended on a good note, but unfortunately, it didn't. It's heart-breaking to know that he was once the person who held me tight until I felt at ease with the world. During the grieving process, somehow my friend managed to stumble back into my life. This always happens. He jokes about how we have some sort of connection. Even my mother says that 'he's the one'. After hearing about my break-up, he confessed that he was in love with me and that he wanted to be the one to treat me right. I was shocked, but at the same time, not so surprised because I always knew there was something between us. The problem is, I'm scared. I'm really scared. I don't know what it is, but every time I become comfortable with the idea of being with him, there's some nagging thought at the back of my mind and then a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach follows. Why am I so afraid of letting him in? He knows me better than anyone else, and I definitely have feelings for him in return. He makes me feel beautiful. So, what's wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 What's wrong? Probably nothing. IMO, having been that unhealthy guy, it's better to let him go. Since I'm not hearing how you're stumbling back into his life or much about him, I'm going to presume that most of the 'friendship' has been about you. Nothing wrong with that, since he let it happen that way; he has to own it. However, you hold him at arm's length for a reason. That reason is within you. No of us here in cyberland know what that reason is. Only you do. Find it and find some closure. It's no way to grow old, for him especially. I'll throw one potential out there - fear of intimacy. Reflect upon that. Aversion to total and complete bonding with another human being. With the guy who was all your 'firsts', was there a part of yourself you kept out of the dynamic? Think about that. Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmeow Posted May 23, 2010 Author Share Posted May 23, 2010 I've already moved on, or are currently in the process of moving on. I understand that he wasn't the one for me, and our relationship was emotionally abusive, to say the least. My friend, on the other hand, is wonderful. I'm a bit of a spitfire at times, almost too much to handle, so he's gotten frustrated and left, saying that he's done with our friendship. I have nothing to do but respect his wishes and pack up and move on. Somehow, he always finds his way back, telling me how much he missed me and how stupid he was for ever leaving. He's been through a lot himself, but now he's here to stay. I really do like him, and the possibility of love is there as well. I might be scared that he could be 'the one', and I don't think I'm ready for that quite yet. But I also don't want to give up something great because I'm scared. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 I'm going to guess you're under 25 years old. This is a pretty familiar story in that age group. Try this: The next time he asks you on a 'date', accept, and treat him like you would any date with whom you felt a 'connection'. Ignore your past inhibitions in that regard. I'll bet you were a great date for that guy who abused you emotionally, right? Does this person whom you say you like and maybe love not deserve comparable treatment? No need for marriage proposals. Just get to know him better as a 'date', rather than a 'friend' who's feelings are light years ahead of yours. Achieve some balance. Right now IMO things are way unbalanced and I think that is feeding your fears and feelings here. Even though you like the 'connection', something doesn't feel 'right' about the dynamic. Hope you figure it out Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 I agree with Carhill. It sounds like you're conflicted with two oppossing feelings/thought processes. On one side, you describe this guy in such positive terms that anyone would say he's a keeper. Even your own mother says "he's the one" for you. It sounds like you want a relationship with him. This side of you is saying "yes". On the other side, if you start a relationship with this guy, you are probably afraid of rejection, especially after your emotionally abusive experience with your recent ex, and now you want to be 100% sure before committing your heart again. Also, if it doesn't work out, then you will lose all the positive benefits you've enjoyed from him. For you the risk is too high, so this side of you is saying "no". Having this fear is understandable considering the circumstances you've experienced with your ex, but since no one can ever be 100% sure, it can also lead to fear of intimacy that Carhill is talking about. Those two feelings conflict with each other and lead you to the mixed feelings you are feeling. Yes + No = Mixed Feelings. Right now the emotions on your "no" side are stronger than your "yes" side. I don't hear a lot of how you treat him other than this: I'm a bit of a spitfire at times, almost too much to handle, so he's gotten frustrated and left, saying that he's done with our friendship. You don't describe what you mean by being a spitfire. If that's who you are then that's who you are. You should not change who you are, but you describe yourself as "too much to handle" as if you subconsciously like it that way. Why are you "too much to handle"? The problem is that acting in a way that is too much to handle is destructive to a relationship. If you know in advance this is how you are going to act, and it may lead to rejection, you are just feeding into your "no" side. When people have fear of intimacy, they sometimes self-sabatoge an otherwise positive relationship by subconsciously acting out in a way that would justify breaking up or would lead their partner to reject them. The person with a fear of intimacy acts like this to maintain their internal conflict rather than face their fears. I am not saying this is you, but it is worthwhile to consider. The way to resolve the conflict is to examine your "no" side to face your fears and heal your emotional wounds that resulted from the emotionally abusive relationship. You may also need to examine all your past relationships. Sometimes our fear of intimacy occurs because of the type of relationships we observed while growing up. What is your relationship like with your parents? What is your parents own relationship like? Are they healthy, confusing, or distant? Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 If I were a cruel person--and I'm not--I'd say you didn't find this wonderful guy attractive because he treated you too well. Even if you like the way he treats you, part of you wants what you've built up in your mind to be a "real man"--i.e. a macho, swaggering, love-'em-and-leave-'em jerk. Unfortunately, there is often a big gap between the kind of people we like and the kind of people we are attracted to. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I have to agree with ADF. It could be that you can fully trust this friend. You know he's always going to be there. As good as that sounds, it's boring to your adventurous side. It doesn't give him that "edge" that most women are attracted to. Not saying the guy needs to be complete mis-trustfull or a total wife-beating douche, but he's got to have some edge. The lack of the edge could be putting some water on the sexual attraction fire, which could in turn lead you to question a further commitment. It could be a fear of losing the one stable element of your life too. But why fear something that you have no idea will happen? Why focus on some future break-up that may or may not happen? Why focus on future negatives? Focus on the now, and the potential happy times you could spend with this man in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
basujunera0610 Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 If I were a cruel person--and I'm not--I'd say you didn't find this wonderful guy attractive because he treated you too well. Even if you like the way he treats you, part of you wants what you've built up in your mind to be a "real man"--i.e. a macho, swaggering, love-'em-and-leave-'em jerk. Unfortunately, there is often a big gap between the kind of people we like and the kind of people we are attracted to. i totally agree with you dude ..... dear buddy , you should have confidence ....... Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 7, 2010 Share Posted June 7, 2010 He comes back to you over and over because he loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
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