jeremyd Posted May 23, 2010 Share Posted May 23, 2010 Hello, I am a 32 year old male who is afraid that he is going to be alone forever. I've never been in a serious relationship. The best I can say is that I have kissed to 2 girls in my lifetime (the last one when I was 18). When I was in my twenties I didn't do much to find someone. What I mostly did in that time was gain weight and fooled myself into thinking that I was fine with being alone and that having a close friend and some female acquaintances through work (our office has 30 employees, only 3 of which are male) was good enough. I was so good at hiding my feelings that even my parents, friends, and coworkers thought I was happy being alone. But something changed when I turned 30. The things I used to enjoy weren't enough and I began to feel a growing emptiness to my life. I secretly started online dating with no success. I started becoming depressed. Thinking my weight was the reason I kept getting turned down, I started working out. I have lost 60 lbs. and am literally in the best shape of my life. Still no luck. What's worse is that more weight I lose the more depressed I feel. It's gotten so bad that I finally had to turn to my friends for help, most of which were unaware that I was even unhappy. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I have a lot of female friends (mostly through work) and everyone of them has told me that they can't believe that I haven't found somebody to date online. My closest friend at work - who admittedly was trying to cheer me up because at one point during our phone conversation I said that women must think I'm too ugly - told me that I should be proud of all the weight I've lost, that I'm wrong about being unattractive, and that it's just a matter of time before I find the right person. She also suggested seeing a therapist. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy again. I want to find someone I enjoy spending my time with. But I feel as though I've waited too long and that I'll always be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 24, 2010 Share Posted May 24, 2010 Despite your weight loss, it still sounds like you believe you are unlovable or don't deserve love or aren't good enough. These are all common beliefs that most people have at some point. You have to eliminate those beliefs. I sound like a broken record on this website but that is only because I strongly believe in this process, having done it so many times myself, seeing the positive changes. It's a free intro. http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free/ Link to post Share on other sites
publicme Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 Recreate Your Life seems to be based directly on the ideas of Albert Ellis, and his research on Rational Emotive Therapy going back 50 years. That work was very important. However, I found another site that's more like LoveShack, where people help people, http://www.dailystrength.org/ I'll check it out... Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 And if what Albert Ellis did worked, we'd all be using it and there would be no need for anything else! Read these endorsements of the Lefkoe Method from well known self-help and transformational professionals and therapists who have used it, found that it worked and now use it in their practices. http://www.lefkoeinstitute.com/endorsements.html Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 However, I found another site that's more like LoveShack, where people help people, And we know how well that works! Link to post Share on other sites
nowomanocry Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 Hello, I am a 32 year old male who is afraid that he is going to be alone forever. I've never been in a serious relationship. The best I can say is that I have kissed to 2 girls in my lifetime (the last one when I was 18). When I was in my twenties I didn't do much to find someone. What I mostly did in that time was gain weight and fooled myself into thinking that I was fine with being alone and that having a close friend and some female acquaintances through work (our office has 30 employees, only 3 of which are male) was good enough. I was so good at hiding my feelings that even my parents, friends, and coworkers thought I was happy being alone. But something changed when I turned 30. The things I used to enjoy weren't enough and I began to feel a growing emptiness to my life. I secretly started online dating with no success. I started becoming depressed. Thinking my weight was the reason I kept getting turned down, I started working out. I have lost 60 lbs. and am literally in the best shape of my life. Still no luck. What's worse is that more weight I lose the more depressed I feel. It's gotten so bad that I finally had to turn to my friends for help, most of which were unaware that I was even unhappy. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I have a lot of female friends (mostly through work) and everyone of them has told me that they can't believe that I haven't found somebody to date online. My closest friend at work - who admittedly was trying to cheer me up because at one point during our phone conversation I said that women must think I'm too ugly - told me that I should be proud of all the weight I've lost, that I'm wrong about being unattractive, and that it's just a matter of time before I find the right person. She also suggested seeing a therapist. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy again. I want to find someone I enjoy spending my time with. But I feel as though I've waited too long and that I'll always be alone. Hello lol First, don't get fixated with the idea that you are unattractive and not good. Secondly, do not try to find someone to date or whatever... Leave it to time, it should all come natural. Thirdly, do not exaggerate the whole thing.. Don't think that women are big deal. They are not. You will see this in time. In general, they try to rip you off, waste your time lol. Try to get some hobbies. That will keep you busy. Sports, music anything you like to do. Do not waste your time for on-line dating etc. It's crap. Just be yourself and the rest will follow. Don't panic. I've had loads of relationships in my life and 44 y.o single and very happy. Don't miss any of 'em except one. But that life man eh? Enjoy life even if alone. It's upto you and in your hands to do it. But I'm very much sure you will have the trouble of your life very soon, but not when you looking for it. It will happen without even you noticing it ) Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
jean-luc sisko Posted June 9, 2010 Share Posted June 9, 2010 Get a dog or a cat. Link to post Share on other sites
that girl Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 It really sounds like you need a therapist. Not a self help program but an actual therapist. It is possible the anti-depressants might be a good idea too, but you need to speak to a professional. I'm not sure where you live or what your health insurance status is, but please seek out a therapist. It sounds like you could meet the greatest girl in the world right now and blow it because of your depression. You can still meet someone. Once you're feeling better (a therapist is the way to do this) you should start asking female aquiantences if they know anyone they could set you up with. All those women have friends, sisters, cousins that could be a good match for you if you let it be known that you'd be interested in a set up. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted June 10, 2010 Share Posted June 10, 2010 I don't know what to do. I want to be happy again. I want to find someone I enjoy spending my time with. But I feel as though I've waited too long and that I'll always be alone. My friend, you need to join the military. Your confidence will soar Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Positive and affirmation seem to be one method. Love it when someone ask what they can "do" and folks chime in what NOT to do. Its in the DOING that one can change or re-access the situation or circumstances. to the poster, you really do seem like you have some fine attributes, you have friends (plus!), you are working towards a physically healthy self and you are humble enough to ask for help. Being single can be wonderful ! Yet some folks unfortunately think it takes another person to "make them Happy". We each need others for social reasons and for support. What we need to understand is as adults we are ultimately responsible for ourself and cherish life . May you heal towards happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Shakz Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Amazing to me that since you have so many female friends none of them have tried to set you up. If not, hell, ask one to. You're a 32-year-old virgin. You've been warming the bench long enough.. You will be amazed at what it will do for your confidence once you actually get some lovin. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 If your dating profile reads anything like your posts here- you are probably sabotaging any hopes for meeting someone. You can have a good pic and solid interests, but if your profile indicates your insecurities- women won't find it attractive. Are you upbeat in your profile, or is there a hint of negativity? I can't tell you how many times I have viewed a message from someone that started with "you probably get a lot of messages and won't respond, but..." Or- the body of the profile reads like an "angry" or "poor me" example. Those things are a big turn off. I think your problem is confidence- that's what you need to work on. You should be celebrating your weight loss, and you should be proud of it! I'd actually like to read what your dating profile says- we might be able to give you some help if you're game, Cheers, D Link to post Share on other sites
jean-luc sisko Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Hello lol First, don't get fixated with the idea that you are unattractive and not good. Secondly, do not try to find someone to date or whatever... Leave it to time, it should all come natural. Thirdly, do not exaggerate the whole thing.. Don't think that women are big deal. They are not. You will see this in time. In general, they try to rip you off, waste your time lol. Try to get some hobbies. That will keep you busy. Sports, music anything you like to do. Do not waste your time for on-line dating etc. It's crap. Just be yourself and the rest will follow. Don't panic. I've had loads of relationships in my life and 44 y.o single and very happy. Don't miss any of 'em except one. But that life man eh? Enjoy life even if alone. It's upto you and in your hands to do it. But I'm very much sure you will have the trouble of your life very soon, but not when you looking for it. It will happen without even you noticing it ) Good luck. So why do you seek dates if women are no good? Link to post Share on other sites
jean-luc sisko Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Hello, I am a 32 year old male who is afraid that he is going to be alone forever. I've never been in a serious relationship. The best I can say is that I have kissed to 2 girls in my lifetime (the last one when I was 18). When I was in my twenties I didn't do much to find someone. What I mostly did in that time was gain weight and fooled myself into thinking that I was fine with being alone and that having a close friend and some female acquaintances through work (our office has 30 employees, only 3 of which are male) was good enough. I was so good at hiding my feelings that even my parents, friends, and coworkers thought I was happy being alone. But something changed when I turned 30. The things I used to enjoy weren't enough and I began to feel a growing emptiness to my life. I secretly started online dating with no success. I started becoming depressed. Thinking my weight was the reason I kept getting turned down, I started working out. I have lost 60 lbs. and am literally in the best shape of my life. Still no luck. What's worse is that more weight I lose the more depressed I feel. It's gotten so bad that I finally had to turn to my friends for help, most of which were unaware that I was even unhappy. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I have a lot of female friends (mostly through work) and everyone of them has told me that they can't believe that I haven't found somebody to date online. My closest friend at work - who admittedly was trying to cheer me up because at one point during our phone conversation I said that women must think I'm too ugly - told me that I should be proud of all the weight I've lost, that I'm wrong about being unattractive, and that it's just a matter of time before I find the right person. She also suggested seeing a therapist. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy again. I want to find someone I enjoy spending my time with. But I feel as though I've waited too long and that I'll always be alone. Nobody dates. Being happy is not wanting to date. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted June 13, 2010 Share Posted June 13, 2010 Hello, I am a 32 year old male who is afraid that he is going to be alone forever. I've never been in a serious relationship. The best I can say is that I have kissed to 2 girls in my lifetime (the last one when I was 18). When I was in my twenties I didn't do much to find someone. What I mostly did in that time was gain weight and fooled myself into thinking that I was fine with being alone and that having a close friend and some female acquaintances through work (our office has 30 employees, only 3 of which are male) was good enough. I was so good at hiding my feelings that even my parents, friends, and coworkers thought I was happy being alone. But something changed when I turned 30. The things I used to enjoy weren't enough and I began to feel a growing emptiness to my life. I secretly started online dating with no success. I started becoming depressed. Thinking my weight was the reason I kept getting turned down, I started working out. I have lost 60 lbs. and am literally in the best shape of my life. Still no luck. What's worse is that more weight I lose the more depressed I feel. It's gotten so bad that I finally had to turn to my friends for help, most of which were unaware that I was even unhappy. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I have a lot of female friends (mostly through work) and everyone of them has told me that they can't believe that I haven't found somebody to date online. My closest friend at work - who admittedly was trying to cheer me up because at one point during our phone conversation I said that women must think I'm too ugly - told me that I should be proud of all the weight I've lost, that I'm wrong about being unattractive, and that it's just a matter of time before I find the right person. She also suggested seeing a therapist. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy again. I want to find someone I enjoy spending my time with. But I feel as though I've waited too long and that I'll always be alone. Happiness should start from the inside. You've lost 60 lbs. Congrats! Not an easy feet considering intense dieting and exercise results in a 5-7 lb loss per month...this shows dedication. Perhaps you are happy and someone's dropping in on your fb and playing a joke on you.... Well best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
unxpected Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 for me personally i dont think u need meds or therepy, i think u can do this on ur own! this might take more then just thinking about it but rather practicing it... i belive the solution to ur problem is to ACCEPT yourself FIRST! LOOK IN A MIRROR and start looking for things that u like in u..if u dont like anything that u see then tell urself I LOVE ALL MY FLAWS!!!!! I MEAN LOOK AT ME IM THE SHYT! what some people dont kno is that when u sit there talking about oo i dont have a girl im never gonna get one ...the truth is ull never get one!! if u are negative u will bring negative things in ur life! if u are positive ull bring positive things in ur life and there are times when u think ur being positive and u still dont get what u hoped for, or u not getting any results! thats when u gotta say ok im doing it the wrong way...dont be positive for others be positive for urself first! what i mean by that is dont put a happy face at work and go with a peace sign on ur shirt just to make others believe ur being positive and ur smiling to life...no its being positive with urself assuring urself that ull be ok that everything will be fine.. being positive is about lecturing urself...when u feel bad tell ur body ur feeling great..when u wanna give up say no im just starting!!! when the thoughts of u never findind ur soulmate comes in..thenu say NOshe will come and i WILL meet her and shes gonna be the happiest women on earth once she finds me cuz im THE MAN!!! and of course last but not least...once u got urself under control then aproach girls from time to time...onother case that might work, if ur on a cafe and u see a beautiful girl sitting alone dont aproach her...bye her a cofee and tell the waiter its on u and to take it to her ...and just waait for her reaction and ull kno if she wants to talk or not...im just saying theres alot u can do but if u dont tell urself that over and over u wont get nothing out of life... LIFE GIVES U THE TOOLS UR THE ARCHITECT! -UNXPECTED- Link to post Share on other sites
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