What did YOU do to make the situation?

[Benedict]

OK, I have been here for a very short while, and I have already made several people angry. I have also no doubt given the impression that I am spiteful and angry. I guess to a certain extent that is true. Yes, some of the emotions are still raw...

 

But when any of you were the "victims" of an affair, whom did you tell? I sure don't want to admit it to any of my friends; I feel like enough of a fool. Certainly not family; I want them to still speak to her now that we are well on the road to getting it together... Guess that leaves you all. I was somewhat surprised at some of the intensity of what I felt as I wrote. Very thought-provoking. Most of you all seem to be pretty intelligent and introspective, as well as being able to communicate well from the written word.

 

So, disregarding my posts on the "Is It Wrong..." thread... or more like, disregarding the sublect (the OM/OW), I would ask this:

 

For all you cheated-on spouses out there, what did you do to make your situation? Where was your head at? How did you drop that ball and help make a situation where the conditions were right for your spouse to stray?

 

Here is my answer:

 

I got complacent. I got used to being with my kids and having a great woman for a wife. She is also a really hard worker, makes great money. I am more of a family guy. Yes, I work, but I do not make the same money she does. BUT, I do do all of the laundry, 85% of the cooking and 95% of the cleaning. That is OK with me, too. I see it as my part. I am also way into my kids. Not out of obligation or responsibility, but honestly, truly because they are plain FUN. Anyway, I got sort of blind to her overworking, and what I admit could be on my part an unrealized potential to bring a little more $$ in the door. That would be by changing companies, and negotiating a better dollar for myself. More cannot really be said without making this thread even more painfully long. Consider that when this all came out from her, I had to concede that she had a major point . She wound up feeling like we weren't on the same "team" anymore, like we were working in different directions. Add to that the fact that she felt she had to abandon things that made her happy to concentrate on work, and the resentment grew. And went on from there .

 

Sorry for the long post. I am interested to see what may have happened to some of you. I also wanted to illustrate to some of you that I am not an arrogant jerk who thinks he did nothing at all wrong.

[Fraggles]

In my marriage of 10 years the situation was essentially created by both of us. We both had "issues" and did not communicate with each other. We were both as unhappy as the other. I cannot and will not take blame for his indiscretions.

 

The difference is he stepped outside the marriage, I did not. Yes, as a result of my discontent (and other factors, i.e. mom's death), I did not help the situation by not facing and helping my depression. I sort of felt I earned it. God, how sick!! Unfortunately for me, when I finally realized how depressed I was and how it was contributing to the decline of my marriage, it was too little, too late. The week after I went to Dr. for medication and starting looking for IC, he cheated.

 

Right now we are in recovery, each getting IC, and looking forward soon to MC.

We are each responsible for the health of the marriage and communication is one thing we need to do to make it work.

[Arabess]

I think it takes:

 

Two people to make a marriage.

 

Two to f*ck it all up.

 

Two to fix it.

 

If one of the parties involved happens to drop the ball along the way.....well.....then you've got a real problem. I have no idea if you can carry the ball for someone else.

[jenny]

benedict,

 

i haven't faced this situation yet, but when i think about it i worry exactly about being in your position. i don't make nearly as much money as my fiancee does, but i do take care of most of the household stuff. it was very interesting to read your post; i'm not sure how your behaviour in any way catalyzed her decision or actions; but i would be interested in hearing more detail.

 

foremost, however, i admired your strength and integrity for posting this - the maturity of you taking responsibility for your anger and using it productively is just, well, amazing. i think your wife made quite a mistake - i've met maybe one or two people in my life who could do what you did in this post - it's rare and fine.

 

if you will excuse the crassness, this is now number 1 on my "posts that took enormous cahones" list - move over ardea!

[Benedict]

Fraggles: Absolutely a "WE". No doubt about it.

I cannot and will not take blame for his indiscretions.

 

The difference is he stepped outside the marriage, I did not.

But, like you, that is the distinction I make.

 

My thread was more coming from the direction of what I could have changed, knowing that I have absolutely no control over my wife. In looking back, examining my own motivations and actions is the only effective way of learning from this whole thing.

 

Arabess: Two; yes, indeed. One can carry the ball for 2 - but only for a while. That puppy gets heavy after a bit. I was lucky; she picked it up too, after a while.

 

 

Jenny, thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it I will be willing to post more about it. Time has run short for me today though.

[meanon]

Benedict,

 

I have not had an affair but your description of what you did to contribute to your situation made me think about how easy it is to create the right conditions and made me question my attitudes. With young kids, work, friends, family (LS!) to fit in - it often feels like my husband and I are living in parallel universes. I wonder if my certainty that we would never stray is complacency.

 

Great thread Benedict, as I said on the other one - we have much to learn from you. Post on!!!!

[brashgal]

Who did I tell? My sister, God bless her, and she kept my secrets for a long, long time and was still able to be civil, even friendly to him. I also told an old friend that I knew had been in a similar situation. Both of them live halfway across the country from me which probably made it easier keeping it kind of separate from my real immediate life - lots of advice via IM and telephone. I don't remember feeling like a fool, just regretful and very unhappy.

 

What did I do to get into the cheated-on situation? Lots of stuff. A lot of it stemmed from depression that I think resulted from out-of-whack hormones after the birth of my second child as well as all the stresses from caring for two kids, a more-than-fulltime job, caring for household, animals - too much to do, operating on seemingly divergent paths. He worked (and still worked) long hours - nature of his job. I know I didn't pay as much attention to him, because of circumstances we didn't do enough together and when I had any 'free' time I wanted it to myself. We hadn't been good communicators and that became even worse - reminiscent of Samson's posts - everything became a battle, we both seemed to want our own ways, throwing past transgressions in each others faces, rarely getting to the real issues. We stopped seeing each other's point of view.

 

I have since realized that he needed way more attention and ego-stroking than I had to give. He was great in many ways but he needed constant reassurance and I was just tapped out. He didn't try to help, just got upset that I was depressed. Thyroid hormones and 6 months of anti-depressants helped me out of the hole but by then I think it was too late. He was used to going elsewhere for comfort, he never could make a clean break from the OWs (#1 and #2), counselling worked only temporarily - we went for 3 rounds over a 2 year period and he'd try for a few months and then revert back to old patterns.

 

Found out OW #2's husband filed for divorce. Took a look at that month's cell phone bill and realized he talked to her more than me. Woke up. Asked him to choose. He moved out that day.