how do I do this?

[Heather1]

The only people who hang on for FWB or to keep their egos stroked are the predatory ones.

 

Sigh...sometimes I wonder if I'm not the selfish predator & I want to end it because he's not stroking my ego? I mean, I never wanted to marry the guy. Sometimes I have to question my motives in all this since I don't want more. I already know that's extremely selfish

 

Bottom line is, he doesn't make me feel good so I feel good about ending it. The only reason I want to see him is to get rid of seeing him naked. That's harder for me right now, and he wants to see me & is coming to my work where I won't have the chance to talk. I'd rather meet to end things than flip out at work!!

 

i really want to be done!! I promise you all this, I won't let him talk me into signing up for the cold, crappy terms we had before. And to be honest, that last time we had sex & he hasn't called me since is enough to be over for me. That was a HUGE ouch!! That's why I left & so far I haven't gone back. That pain outweighs any pleasure I might ever have w/ him based on my 80/20 rule. I don't trust him not to do that again, but I don't want to be friends w/ him either. I only really have one option at this point, unless I want to go crazy!!! Which I passed the definition of insanity in April of 2009

[Fieldsofgold]

That's my favorite book!!

 

No, what this is for him is he's missing the ego boost. If he missed me he'd step up to the plate w/ some appreciation for what I'm going through, etc. The "friends" puts him in contact when he needs a boost, and then at arms length again. I used to be so good at this when I was single, cutting ties & moving on, cutting my losses once I figured it out. That was way before cell phones & email where I could only check my messages once a day when I got home from work & gym @ 11pm. Damn technology!!

 

So we're setting up a time to say good bye, since we haven't tried that one yet! Is that possible? I don't believe in soulmates & closure, and yet I want him to see me as myself & say goodbye as opposed to this crazy email person!! Usually i only blame myself for my actions, but I swear it seems like he provokes me to go nuts when he pulls the rug out from me. I'm fine until then.

 

How did you all say goodbye? Is it easier w/ the f-you's? Or is it nicer in person (not in a hotel room) & you both feel as good as you can about the situation? I don't want him to remember me as the neurotic emailing drama queen (that would be 5 emails in 2 weeks, but still, fully loaded ones). What's the best way to just end this for good & make the best of it? Obviously the cold turkey is making us want each other more (or me, don't know about him). I don't need an explanation, I just feel like I need to look him straight in the face for the person he is & let him see from my face how hurt I am, but that I'll be OK. Plus, I want to look hot when I do see him.My last image of him is in the shower!! I need to have another image!!! But let me know if you all think that's a bad idea. I'm thinking public place w/ a time limit so I don't lose it, like I've read on some sights w/ my obsessive googling. Google has been my crystal ball (ok, some technology is not so bad;)

 

this part concerns me. You are still worrying about what kind of impression you are making on him. If you see him, and you look hot, he will know you put out the effort to look hot for him. That's really sending a mixed message - I want NC, but I want to look hot to you?

 

Not at all sure you're ready for a F2F meeting.

[Heather1]

I want to look hot for myself, just to be confident. I'm a conservative dresser, so I never look provacative. The closest I get is a skirt, I'm 5'9" & all I have left is my legs! I need to humor myself.

I'm avoiding a f2f @ work, which is where he wants to see me. That I'm not ready for!!

 

We'll see, he might refuse or never talk to me again. He's the king of backing out & leaving me hanging. In that case, that would be my goodbye without seeing him.

[pureinheart]

After 2 months of NC, we've been in touch & he started coming back to my work. I've made a point of not being there, so I still haven't seen him since the beginning of Feb. when I disappeared. He started coming to my work, and wanted to be "friends." My interpretation of this is he's gone on w/ his life & I need to suck it up. He said he missed me, and he was disappointed I wasn't there when he was. Made clear this was only going to be a friendship from here on out.

 

So I flipped, granted I was on pain meds so bad week anyway. He kept pounding the "friend" thing home & I let him know that nothing more is EVER going to happen. What a cocky jerk. I just find it surprising he thinks I'm still gung ho after the whole fiasco....but I need to stop proving to him I'm not gung ho & just disappear again. He hasn't replied to my latest email letting him know "not a chance." It's funny, when I stick up for myself he's always gone. I don't want to be friends w/ him, that just sucks for me. He's forever going to treat me as an ego boost. I'm SO GLAD they changed my shifts at work, so I'll never see him.

 

this all just sucks....back to NC I guess. I lasted 2 months, maybe 4 now? I have to remember this if I ever get the urge to get ahold of him again, it's like "thank you sir, may I have another?" Each time we break NC he gets colder.

 

Wow Heather, my heart goes out to you...I have nothing to add except I hope all goes the way you want it to...and seriously doubt that you are a "predator"...it least that's what I thought I read...

 

Wow, this was a nice thread...excellent advice....

[LostMe]

Hey Heather1, just wanted to say good luck with seeing him! I totally get wanting to look fabulous, if only to give yourself a confidence boost. Last time I saw xMM i had to psyche myself up for days to be happy, confident, (gorgeous), smiley and 'fixed'. I too want him to think of me at my best, even though you shouldn't care. It does help to walk away thinking 'hah!' and know that you held your head high adn kept your dignity at the end.

 

Make sure you say all you want to say too so that there are no nagging reasons to break NC ever again, though there will always be unanswered questions. You just have to accept that. Be prepared too that you might feel great for a couple of days then the withdrawal could kick in again, it's a killer. But we'll be here for you then as always if that does happen All the best.

[jthorne]

I guess everyone here is forgotten the Heather is married.

[JustJoe]

Ok, I'll just have one more drink or pipe or hit, then I'll quit, swear to God!!!........Heather, DO NOT MEET HIM!!!! You have gone from NC to LC and now you are thinking about meeting him? Are you nuts? You are getting right back on the rollercoaster, even though you know that it will make you sick. The only way to end it , is to end it. No contact, ever again!! No final dramatic meetings, no tear-filled goodbyes, no crushing final statements, no longing for what might have been. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! Accept the end , within yourself, forget about him, FORCE yourself to deny him.

[JustJoe]

No Thorne, I wasn't forgeting about her husband.

[Just a stone's throw]

I guess everyone here is forgotten the Heather is married.

 

 

According to Heather, her husband knows about the affair and has suggested an open marriage.

[jthorne]

According to Heather' date=' her husband knows about the affair and has suggested an open marriage.[/quote']Oh, my apologies. I missed that post. So sorry.

[Just a stone's throw]

Oh, my apologies. I missed that post. So sorry.

 

 

No sweat it wasn't here, it was an earlier thread a while back.

[JustJoe]

Thorne, I still think that Heather is "cruisin for a bruisin". Her H seems to still be second on her list of priorities. She's got MM on the brain. IMO

[jthorne]

Thorne, I still think that Heather is "cruisin for a bruisin". Her H seems to still be second on her list of priorities. She's got MM on the brain. IMO

Well, I guess I'm still confused about what an open marriage is. I thought an open marriage was when a couple brought a third party in for the mutual benefit of the couple. I didn't realize it also meant that either party had permission to go screw whomever they wanted. I learn something new every day.

 

I do agree that Heather is playing with fire, but I wish her the best. I hope she takes jj's posts to heart.

[bittersweet memories]

Ok, I'll just have one more drink or pipe or hit, then I'll quit, swear to God!!!........Heather, DO NOT MEET HIM!!!! You have gone from NC to LC and now you are thinking about meeting him? Are you nuts? You are getting right back on the rollercoaster, even though you know that it will make you sick. The only way to end it , is to end it. No contact, ever again!! No final dramatic meetings, no tear-filled goodbyes, no crushing final statements, no longing for what might have been. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! Accept the end , within yourself, forget about him, FORCE yourself to deny him.

 

So true JustJoe... I actually think it's really silly to meet him. What for? To end it? It ended months ago..that's an excuse for "her" to start something up again. Who are you kidding?

 

Heather you were doing so good...just except the situation and move on!Get some self-respect.

Edited May 25, 2010 by bittersweet memories

[ladydesigner]

Heather yes NC makes you want a person more, but it puts you at a safe distance as well. Eventually the pull won't be there. I believe if you meet him it will put you back at square one. Why even give him an opportunity to hurt you again. You said it yourself NC=No more rejection.

 

I have received many "I'm sorry" and "I miss you still" emails from my XOM but it still wasn't enough to give me closure. Hell if I would have seen him in person it would have KILLED me. I'm happy in hindsight that my XOM ended it over an email. I do not think either of us would have been capable of doing it in person.

 

The closure is going to come within yourself. I hope you do not have this meeting with him. I understand why you feel this way, it's hard.

 

(((Heather)))

[Heather1]

I don't know what I'm going to do from one second to the next. He is my heroin for sure.

 

As for open M, my H doesn't want a D no matter what. I'm not looking (never was). It's more like if this happens it's not the end of the world or our M. But no, I won't be swinging or anything & I'm actually totally unavailable. For where I work, I don't even get hit on.

 

I'll see what OM says tomorrow & play it by ear. I just think we need an ending is all, maybe that's why NC hasn't worked? I'm well aware I need to protect myself from further hurt & I'm taking that into consideration too.

[jthorne]

So we're setting up a time to say good bye, since we haven't tried that one yet! Is that possible? I don't believe in soulmates & closure, and yet I want him to see me as myself & say goodbye as opposed to this crazy email person!! Usually i only blame myself for my actions, but I swear it seems like he provokes me to go nuts when he pulls the rug out from me. I'm fine until then.

 

How did you all say goodbye? Is it easier w/ the f-you's? Or is it nicer in person (not in a hotel room) & you both feel as good as you can about the situation? I don't want him to remember me as the neurotic emailing drama queen (that would be 5 emails in 2 weeks, but still, fully loaded ones). What's the best way to just end this for good & make the best of it? Obviously the cold turkey is making us want eachother more (or me, don't know about him). I don't need an explanation, I just feel like I need to look him straight in the face for the person he is & let him see from my face how hurt I am, but that I'll be OK. Plus, I want to look hot when I do see him. My last image of him is in the shower!! I need to have another image!!! But let me know if you all think that's a bad idea. I'm thinking public place w/ a time limit so I don't lose it, like I've read on some sights w/ my obsessive googling. Google has been my crystal ball (ok, some technology is not so bad;)

Can you PLEASE give me three reasons why you think a meeting is a good idea, and how it would be any different that any of your other attempts at goodbye?

 

I only ask for three. But three good ones, please.

 

Why would this goodbye be any different than any of the other ones?

So you don't have an image of him in the shower- you now have an image of him standing by his car (or whatever). When that one isn't sufficient, then what? There are ALWAYS going to be unanswered questions and things left unsaid. Nothing will ever change that.

Methinks you want to see him to see if there's a spark to be rekindled...

[Heather1]

It was just a thought, I'm trying to detach again & wondering how the best way to do that is. It doesn't sound like this is it.

 

Besides, I have that image of him & I'm not even thinking what his image of me is!! I'm sure it's better than me crying & holding on to his bumper or something. Not my style, but I'm sure it happens.

 

Thank you all for your posts, as always, it really helps!!

 

I'll let you know tomorrow what he says & where i should go from there. He might just pull the plug w/ an email.

[ladydesigner]

It was just a thought, I'm trying to detach again & wondering how the best way to do that is. It doesn't sound like this is it.

 

Besides, I have that image of him & I'm not even thinking what his image of me is!! I'm sure it's better than me crying & holding on to his bumper or something. Not my style, but I'm sure it happens.

 

Thank you all for your posts, as always, it really helps!!

 

I'll let you know tomorrow what he says & where i should go from there. He might just pull the plug w/ an email.

 

No girl take your power back. Why not you pull the plug with an email;)

[fooled once]

Darling Heather what does NC mean? It means NO CONTACT. This is not Ross and Rachel on friends. You are not on a break. It is O V E R.

 

Each time he gets colder because he isnt getting what he wants.

 

You are no longer in a romance.

 

You do not want to be friends.

 

There is nowhere left to go. Over Kaput Ciao.

 

What do you want from this man? You say you dont want to be his friend. The A is over he is not leaving, so....

 

You want what I and many others have wanted at one stage or another.

 

You want him to come back and say this has all been a mistake. I love you more than life itself and I cant go on without you by my side. I have left my wife and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

 

Having just experienced the kick in the head I needed to let me know that I was living in a fantasy world making excuses for selfish behavior for far too long, learn from my mistakes.

 

You cant sit there and wait for him to see the light. Too many of us have turned on the lights and shone them in MMs face and still nothing. He may know he loves you he may know he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him. DOES NOT MATTER.

 

He is STILL married to someone else and has said you can be freinds (lucky you) I suspect that means FWB in his code.

 

He is cocky. He does believe that you love him enough that he can manipulate you back into his life on his terms.

 

Hold your head high at work. Post your heart out.

 

NC is not "just another few months". Its forever. Or if you have to speak at work, its just that, work. He holds nothing for you personally.

 

Take good care

 

I totally agree with JJ!! Excellent post!!

 

So true JustJoe... I actually think it's really silly to meet him. What for? To end it? It ended months ago..that's an excuse for "her" to start something up again. Who are you kidding?

 

Heather you were doing so good...just except the situation and move on!Get some self-respect.

 

Agree!

 

Can you PLEASE give me three reasons why you think a meeting is a good idea, and how it would be any different that any of your other attempts at goodbye?

 

I only ask for three. But three good ones, please.

 

Why would this goodbye be any different than any of the other ones?

So you don't have an image of him in the shower- you now have an image of him standing by his car (or whatever). When that one isn't sufficient, then what? There are ALWAYS going to be unanswered questions and things left unsaid. Nothing will ever change that.

Methinks you want to see him to see if there's a spark to be rekindled...

 

methinks so too

 

No girl take your power back. Why not you pull the plug with an email;)

 

Ditto. IF YOU REALLY REALLY want it to to be over, end it. This, IMHO, nonsense of needing to meet up with him to "end it" is just another excuse to see him and try to get back in his life.

 

If he/you were single, there would be no needing to "meet up" after MONTHS of no contact to 'end it'. It is already over .... at least for him. You, I don't believe so. I think you would jump right back in with the slightest from him.

[jj33]

Great point Fooled. If he were single would you be seeing him one more time after not speaking for a few months?

 

Only if you wanted to lure him back or wanted a hook up.

 

Is it that you are married, are looking for him to continue as the OM and you are thinking if you look hot enough that you will get him to appreicate you?

 

Not going to happen. You need to find a different way of getting your needs met.

[ladydesigner]

Great point Fooled. If he were single would you be seeing him one more time after not speaking for a few months?

 

Only if you wanted to lure him back or wanted a hook up.

 

Is it that you are married, are looking for him to continue as the OM and you are thinking if you look hot enough that you will get him to appreicate you?

 

Not going to happen. You need to find a different way of getting your needs met.

 

Yes jj33 this is one of the hardest things when you are M:o Getting that ego boost has to come from within yourself, as it should anyway.

[Heather1]

Alright, alright. I sent him an email saying not to get ahold of me & that I realize he pulled the plug months ago.

 

Not dramatic, nothing but I was pulling the needle out of my arm. I asked him to block my emails, which he'll most likely do. I mean, he really was done months ago & I get that. He's more trouble than he's worth!

 

You're all right, I'd end up diving back in which would be fine with me, if I was dealing w/ someone that wasn't ripping the rug out from me at every turn. I don't know up from down with him! I remember.....

[ladydesigner]

Alright, alright. I sent him an email saying not to get ahold of me & that I realize he pulled the plug months ago.

 

Not dramatic, nothing but I was pulling the needle out of my arm. I asked him to block my emails, which he'll most likely do. I mean, he really was done months ago & I get that. He's more trouble than he's worth!

 

You're all right, I'd end up diving back in which would be fine with me, if I was dealing w/ someone that wasn't ripping the rug out from me at every turn. I don't know up from down with him! I remember.....

 

It's good you realized this. I understand what you mean, but then you would probably end up at the same place again and again and again, and why go through that, why torture yourself.

 

You made a wise decision.

[Heather1]

It's done.....he said he'd block me & didn't know what else to say. I can now stick a fork in this.

 

I would have liked to have had goodbye sex, except for my mental health. Just thought I'd throw that out there tho since the sex to me was primary, he's the one who wanted to stop.

 

Back to withdraw., which won't be so bad since I haven't seen him in at least 3 months & his few emails weren't enough to reel me back in.