Staying for the kids...

[MizFit]

Women are normally nurturers...they are normally peacemakers. By virtue of that the addage of the woman of the house being happy makes everyone happy is true. I know this is not the case with each and every woman/family...I am speaking in general.

 

As for WS in situations as J-J and FA...I respect the fact they're trying to do the best for everyone, but I struggle that it is the best for the kids. I know that if my father had divorced my mother when I was 18 and I found out the truth of the situation I don't think I'd be able to forgive him. I would have been furious that everything in my life was a lie...I know the statements will probably be that the child would never need know-sorry, but things always come out. I would be furious over the lies and the deception and the treatment of my mother.

 

That's just my opinion...I must say it's a rather shaky one because it's not something I've thought too much of in all honesty. I reserve the right to listen, learn and change my mind! I am a woman after all...

[califnan]

As it happened, Aliede did come into his life when our sons were about 17.

 

The MM may think they are doing something wonderful in waiting until the children are grown.. or is it financially .. I believe there is some kind of a law here, that the family gets to stay in the family home until the children are 18, in the case of a divorce - thus the family home cannot be ordered to sell, for division of assets.

 

Regardless, even though he was the world's best father as they were growing up, all respect was lost with the infidelity and divorce when it affected our sons. Months before he died, he signed a 1-1/2 page will at her attorney's office, completely denying his only children. .. thus causing much hurt ten yrs afterward, with discovery..

 

Sin begets sin.

[KikiW]

But what about all those other relationships where the parents really do genuinely like each other, can live under the same roof peacefully, but they both understand that the passion is gone, and are content to stay (even when one is in an affair) until the kids are grown and then when they have "done their duty" for the family, to split amicably and peacefully?

 

Is there no one here who experienced a childhood like that?

 

I was not, however a friend of mine apparently was. He has two sisters, and when the last child was out of college, his parents announced that they were splitting. Apparently they were very good friends and stayed friendly throughout raising the children, and once the last had left the nest, they decided to move on. I know it was a shock for the majority of his friends who grew up hanging out at his parents' house.

 

I never expected to divorce, especially after I had my daughter. My parents were divorced when I was younger and it really messed me up. I didn't want that for my own child. My ex and I are very friendly, and we probably could have lived in more of a "close roommate" situation for another few years, but in the end I think we would have both been much more miserable and our daughter would have suffered no matter how we tried to hide it.

 

We work hard to give her all the love and support she needs, and now she has two more people in her live to offer love and support. Her only lament is that we all can't live in the same house so she doesn't have to go back and forth between households.

 

I realized I used my own childhood experience with divorce to paint what hers would be, and I was very wrong to do that. My ex and I stayed married longer than we should have, and I chastise myself for ever having considered "staying for the sake of the child."

[pureinheart]

No bashing here. I totally agree.

 

I see that many people keep talking about how horrible it is when someone stays for the kids. I am reading about long violent arguments, devestated and crushed souls. But what about all those other relationships where the parents really do genuinely like each other, can live under the same roof peacefully, but they both understand that the passion is gone, and are content to stay (even when one is in an affair) until the kids are grown and then when they have "done their duty" for the family, to split amicably and peacefully?

 

Is there no one here who experienced a childhood like that?

 

This is just personal opinion: My parent D'ed when I was 7. Both were seeing other people during the M. Obviously this does not fit the question asked.

 

In some ways I was messed up, but succeeded IMO.

 

It really depends on the individual more, and less what the external/internal issues are, such as living conditions etc. due to the amount of knowledge out there as far as "fixing" oneself.

 

Case in example to support my opinion...true story, a movie was done on it: Dope fiend drug addict parents, kids are raised on the streets to fend for themselves...they get into teens...oldest kid goes the "bad way" and ends up dead...youngest "sneaks" her way into school, gets diploma (all while living literally on the streets, homeless)..gets a scholarship to a well known university through entering an essay contest. I forget where she ended up, but she succeeded.

 

Known fact, kids can be given all of everything, yet still fail (per se), those given nothing succeed.

 

Certainly outside/inside influences can "shape" a person, but ultimately it's up to the person.

 

I've witnessed all senerios and have found the above to be true.

[Heather1]

My parents stayed m for us, what a mistake!! We thrived after their D, we were all miserable in HS.

 

That said, it seems like the main goal of a parent is to provide stability even if you're not w/ the one you truly love. I don't see anything wrong w/ giving your all to the responsibilities you originally signed up for & I think it shows empathy for your family. It's socially & morally the "right" thing to do, so there's the dilemma, happy or right? Do you sacrifice one person's happiness for the whole family? or is that selfish? My H says he's happy, I have good kids that are doing well, so for now I'm going to martyr it because they're all happy.

[candymoon]

 

Known fact, kids can be given all of everything, yet still fail (per se), those given nothing succeed.

 

I've witnessed all senerios and have found the above to be true.

 

YES!

 

I know a few stories like the ones you mention PIH...or people that come from poverty and become moguls. Drug addicted babies winning scholarly prizes in their adult and teen years.

 

But none of these things say how these kids fair in relationships.

 

I think the best we can do is show our kids by example and teach them how to select the right person for themselves by gooming their self esteem. Perhaps we are not teaching them to properly chose a mate because we don't know how to ourselves because our self esteem is in the toilet--proven by either a D (or worse, serial D's) or staying in a marriage, which the entire family knows deep down is nothing but show.

 

But still in all, as long as we do our best, love our children, provide them with HEALTHY tools to surive and cope, we can not blame ourselves for everything wrong that goes on in their lives, whether its them maintaining a job or staying with their spouses til death do they part.

[seren]

Before H's A, during the worse time in our marriage, H changed and was a totally different man to who I married. I thought (rightly) it was work, stress, time in Iraq and was waiting for him to change back. During this time I cried buckets when he was being horrible, thought it was all me, lost self esteem (some) and thought I was losing my mind. I thought my son hadn't noticed, made all sorts of excuses, menopause being the main one, onions making my eyes water another (lots of onions). My son was 21, as H pushed us further and further away it was pretty awful. One day my son said that I had to do something about it and that it was killing him to see me fade away from being assertive, funny, ballsy Mum to what I was becoming.

 

I realised that I couldn't make any more excuses for H, he told me about his A and to be honest it was a relief to know I wasn't going mad. Kids (no matter what age) pick up on their parents behaviour toward each other, when my son was young and we were with his father, (my XH, not H) my son was unhappy because our marriage wasn't, not so much unhappy, but just not loving enough. There was no A, just a total breakdown in our relationship. I left.

 

I can understand men saying they don't want to lose the kids, they don't have to. No matter how good an actor they are, the bad vibes (sorry very 70's) are tangible and kids just get confused, many think they are to blame and the family becomes an unhealthy place for all. if a M is broken and cannot be fixed, or if there is someone else, all parties should know that there is an A taking place. IMO, to pretend and wait until kids are older is so unfair to the unknowing BS and hugely arrogant and selfish for the WS to want love in their life with another and not extent that courtesy to the BS.

[MizFit]

Before H's A, during the worse time in our marriage, H changed and was a totally different man to who I married. I thought (rightly) it was work, stress, time in Iraq and was waiting for him to change back. During this time I cried buckets when he was being horrible, thought it was all me, lost self esteem (some) and thought I was losing my mind. I thought my son hadn't noticed, made all sorts of excuses, menopause being the main one, onions making my eyes water another (lots of onions). My son was 21, as H pushed us further and further away it was pretty awful. One day my son said that I had to do something about it and that it was killing him to see me fade away from being assertive, funny, ballsy Mum to what I was becoming.

 

I realised that I couldn't make any more excuses for H, he told me about his A and to be honest it was a relief to know I wasn't going mad. Kids (no matter what age) pick up on their parents behaviour toward each other, when my son was young and we were with his father, (my XH, not H) my son was unhappy because our marriage wasn't, not so much unhappy, but just not loving enough. There was no A, just a total breakdown in our relationship. I left.

 

I can understand men saying they don't want to lose the kids, they don't have to. No matter how good an actor they are, the bad vibes (sorry very 70's) are tangible and kids just get confused, many think they are to blame and the family becomes an unhealthy place for all. if a M is broken and cannot be fixed, or if there is someone else, all parties should know that there is an A taking place. IMO, to pretend and wait until kids are older is so unfair to the unknowing BS and hugely arrogant and selfish for the WS to want love in their life with another and not extent that courtesy to the BS.

 

Yes...absolutely spot on. The only thing I'd add is to the end-it's unfair to the unknowing BS AND the children...

[pureinheart]

As it happened, Aliede did come into his life when our sons were about 17.

 

The MM may think they are doing something wonderful in waiting until the children are grown.. or is it financially .. I believe there is some kind of a law here, that the family gets to stay in the family home until the children are 18, in the case of a divorce - thus the family home cannot be ordered to sell, for division of assets.

 

Regardless, even though he was the world's best father as they were growing up, all respect was lost with the infidelity and divorce when it affected our sons. Months before he died, he signed a 1-1/2 page will at her attorney's office, completely denying his only children. .. thus causing much hurt ten yrs afterward, with discovery..

 

Sin begets sin.

 

No way....that is TOTALLY messed up...

[jthorne]

No bashing here. I totally agree.

 

I see that many people keep talking about how horrible it is when someone stays for the kids. I am reading about long violent arguments, devestated and crushed souls. But what about all those other relationships where the parents really do genuinely like each other, can live under the same roof peacefully, but they both understand that the passion is gone, and are content to stay (even when one is in an affair) until the kids are grown and then when they have "done their duty" for the family, to split amicably and peacefully?

 

Is there no one here who experienced a childhood like that?

This assumes that the wife of the MM knows about the affair and approves of it. In that case, it's no longer an affair, it's an open marriage.

Otherwise, it's just forcing the BS to live a lie. Seems a little hypocritical that the MM would want to be around to make decisions together with his wife relating to the kids, but decides on his own that his spouse should live a lie.

[Spark1111]

Before H's A, during the worse time in our marriage, H changed and was a totally different man to who I married. I thought (rightly) it was work, stress, time in Iraq and was waiting for him to change back. During this time I cried buckets when he was being horrible, thought it was all me, lost self esteem (some) and thought I was losing my mind. I thought my son hadn't noticed, made all sorts of excuses, menopause being the main one, onions making my eyes water another (lots of onions). My son was 21, as H pushed us further and further away it was pretty awful. One day my son said that I had to do something about it and that it was killing him to see me fade away from being assertive, funny, ballsy Mum to what I was becoming.

 

I realised that I couldn't make any more excuses for H, he told me about his A and to be honest it was a relief to know I wasn't going mad. Kids (no matter what age) pick up on their parents behaviour toward each other, when my son was young and we were with his father, (my XH, not H) my son was unhappy because our marriage wasn't, not so much unhappy, but just not loving enough. There was no A, just a total breakdown in our relationship. I left.

 

I can understand men saying they don't want to lose the kids, they don't have to. No matter how good an actor they are, the bad vibes (sorry very 70's) are tangible and kids just get confused, many think they are to blame and the family becomes an unhealthy place for all. if a M is broken and cannot be fixed, or if there is someone else, all parties should know that there is an A taking place. IMO, to pretend and wait until kids are older is so unfair to the unknowing BS and hugely arrogant and selfish for the WS to want love in their life with another and not extent that courtesy to the BS.

 

Seren, I could have written this almost word for word.....

 

My children were young adults when DDay struck.

 

My oldest daughter intuited the sitch immediately and told her younger sister and younger brother.

 

The middle daughter suspected, always asking about Dad's whereabout's. "Working late again," or "another business trip out of town," or another business dinner," I would reply.

 

My son told his high school girlfriend, "I think my dad is having an affair," a year before DDAY.

 

When my husband was home, he was critical, resentful, and not so nice to them, but especially arrogant to me! Once, at dinner, they told him to lay off!

 

Meanwhile, he is presenting himself as father of the year to his OW. How? By paying the bills? By talking the talk? My children sensed the shift in me but were helpless to do anything about it.

 

I grew lonely, depressed, and wasn't sure why or what was happening to our marriage. Ah, love is blind.

 

They were furious at him! They sobbed and screamed at him! They have worked hard, if not harder than me to forgive him.

 

I fear they may be forever scarred by this, especially my son. He has confided in me he now has trouble trusting his long-term girlfriend, trusting himself. Jeez, what a mess! And so unnecessary.

 

All for what? We could have separated and gone to counseling to see if we had a marriage worth saving.

 

We would have respected him SO MUCH MORE, if he had simply told the truth regarding his feelings for someone else. What a cowardly thing to do.

 

If the MM/MW is such a sociopath, or so compartmentalized a human being, that they can truly ACT as if they are not emotionally vested elsewhere in someone else, maybe the kids won't be scarred for life. Who knows.....

[bentnotbroken]

Seren, I could have written this almost word for word.....

 

My children were young adults when DDay struck.

 

My oldest daughter intuited the sitch immediately and told her younger sister and younger brother.

 

The middle daughter suspected, always asking about Dad's whereabout's. "Working late again," or "another business trip out of town," or another business dinner," I would reply.

 

My son told his high school girlfriend, "I think my dad is having an affair," a year before DDAY.

 

When my husband was home, he was critical, resentful, and not so nice to them, but especially arrogant to me! Once, at dinner, they told him to lay off!

 

Meanwhile, he is presenting himself as father of the year to his OW. How? By paying the bills? By talking the talk? My children sensed the shift in me but were helpless to do anything about it.

 

I grew lonely, depressed, and wasn't sure why or what was happening to our marriage. Ah, love is blind.

 

They were furious at him! They sobbed and screamed at him! They have worked hard, if not harder than me to forgive him.

 

I fear they may be forever scarred by this, especially my son. He has confided in me he now has trouble trusting his long-term girlfriend, trusting himself. Jeez, what a mess! And so unnecessary.

 

All for what? We could have separated and gone to counseling to see if we had a marriage worth saving.

 

We would have respected him SO MUCH MORE, if he had simply told the truth regarding his feelings for someone else. What a cowardly thing to do.

 

If the MM/MW is such a sociopath, or so compartmentalized a human being, that they can truly ACT as if they are not emotionally vested elsewhere in someone else, maybe the kids won't be scarred for life. Who knows.....

 

 

 

OMG:eek: This is me and my children. They are very concerned with their relationships. We have been and still make check ups with the counselor. But this is so sadly true.

[Mimolicious]

Seren, I could have written this almost word for word.....

 

My children were young adults when DDay struck.

 

My oldest daughter intuited the sitch immediately and told her younger sister and younger brother.

 

The middle daughter suspected, always asking about Dad's whereabout's. "Working late again," or "another business trip out of town," or another business dinner," I would reply.

 

My son told his high school girlfriend, "I think my dad is having an affair," a year before DDAY.

 

When my husband was home, he was critical, resentful, and not so nice to them, but especially arrogant to me! Once, at dinner, they told him to lay off!

 

Meanwhile, he is presenting himself as father of the year to his OW. How? By paying the bills? By talking the talk? My children sensed the shift in me but were helpless to do anything about it.

 

I grew lonely, depressed, and wasn't sure why or what was happening to our marriage. Ah, love is blind.

 

They were furious at him! They sobbed and screamed at him! They have worked hard, if not harder than me to forgive him.

 

I fear they may be forever scarred by this, especially my son. He has confided in me he now has trouble trusting his long-term girlfriend, trusting himself. Jeez, what a mess! And so unnecessary.

 

All for what? We could have separated and gone to counseling to see if we had a marriage worth saving.

 

We would have respected him SO MUCH MORE, if he had simply told the truth regarding his feelings for someone else. What a cowardly thing to do.

 

If the MM/MW is such a sociopath, or so compartmentalized a human being, that they can truly ACT as if they are not emotionally vested elsewhere in someone else, maybe the kids won't be scarred for life. Who knows.....

 

Geez... I feel like we were sitting at the same table.

Only difference that my kids were smaller and that mine is still trying to run for "father of the Decade". Loser!

 

Results= the same. My kids are scarred for life.

[Clep]

Seren, I could have written this almost word for word.....

 

My children were young adults when DDay struck.

 

My oldest daughter intuited the sitch immediately and told her younger sister and younger brother.

 

The middle daughter suspected, always asking about Dad's whereabout's. "Working late again," or "another business trip out of town," or another business dinner," I would reply.

 

My son told his high school girlfriend, "I think my dad is having an affair," a year before DDAY.

 

When my husband was home, he was critical, resentful, and not so nice to them, but especially arrogant to me! Once, at dinner, they told him to lay off!

 

Meanwhile, he is presenting himself as father of the year to his OW. How? By paying the bills? By talking the talk? My children sensed the shift in me but were helpless to do anything about it.

 

I grew lonely, depressed, and wasn't sure why or what was happening to our marriage. Ah, love is blind.

 

They were furious at him! They sobbed and screamed at him! They have worked hard, if not harder than me to forgive him.

 

I fear they may be forever scarred by this, especially my son. He has confided in me he now has trouble trusting his long-term girlfriend, trusting himself. Jeez, what a mess! And so unnecessary.

 

All for what? We could have separated and gone to counseling to see if we had a marriage worth saving.

 

We would have respected him SO MUCH MORE, if he had simply told the truth regarding his feelings for someone else. What a cowardly thing to do.

 

If the MM/MW is such a sociopath, or so compartmentalized a human being, that they can truly ACT as if they are not emotionally vested elsewhere in someone else, maybe the kids won't be scarred for life. Who knows.....

 

I have not had to be in this position and neither have my children. I would like to say thank you for posting this as I have friends and their children that have been in this position and it left deep scars for them. It would be helpful if every OW and OM were to get this, as well as the MM and MW. Of course there would be some kind of justification for the pain their selfish actions have placed upon others.

[NoIDidn't]

I have not had to be in this position and neither have my children. I would like to say thank you for posting this as I have friends and their children that have been in this position and it left deep scars for them. It would be helpful if every OW and OM were to get this, as well as the MM and MW. Of course there would be some kind of justification for the pain their selfish actions have placed upon others.

 

It would be so helpful if those cheating and helping the cheaters cheat would consider the far reaching results of infidelity on their children.

 

It would be one thing if someone was staying for the children and NOT cheating. But once they start cheating, its clearly not for the children that they are staying - but for themselves and their selfish or stingy purposes.

[Clep]

It would be so helpful if those cheating and helping the cheaters cheat would consider the far reaching results of infidelity on their children.

 

It would be one thing if someone was staying for the children and NOT cheating. But once they start cheating, its clearly not for the children that they are staying - but for themselves and their selfish or stingy purposes.

 

But they usually say that they are staying for the children and just have to give themselves a little happiness in the process of the unselfish sacrifices they are making. They usually portray themselves as victims.

 

The ones aiding the cheaters don't care about the children or anyone but themselves. If they did see in front of their faces the damage it does they would find a justification too.

[pureinheart]

Great Post....I can relate to this very well. Let me add that I made the mistake of letting my kids know which honestly if MW actions would have shown that her words, I think things would be better today. Had I known that she'll still be with her H still now after 2 1/2 years after D-day I wouldn't have said anything. Now I'm not so excited in bringing this woman into my life after all the damage she's done. Which is why I date now and hope that I find that special person.

 

As for my kids....my ex and I focus on doing what's best for the kids. I do have one 14 year old girl still at home. So its challenging enough. I'm glad that my ex could put the past behind us.

 

You will, it's inevitable!!!!!

[pureinheart]

I can't find it right now....but twice in the past 12 months I've heard the same story on NPR, and it each time I heard it I was shocked. Wish I could find it...

 

But the researcher was saying that they find the opposite to be true. That having an active, functioning dad had more influence on the healthful development of the children than an active, functioning mom. Basically, they said that, generally speaking, a great dad could compensate for a lousy mom, and the kids would be ok. But a great mom could not compensate for a lousy dad so well, and those kids had more trouble.

 

Wow, this is a trip...what an interesting topic...

[quepid]

It would be nice if people were more in touch with what they really want before tying the knot and dragging innocent children into their confusion. When the $hip goes down there are no ideal solutions. All an ex husband and ex wife can do is to remain dedicated to being good parents while learning from the experience; soul searching for what kind of person they really want in their lives... if any. This is my conclusion after growing up in a family where my mom left after i was 20 and my dad told me that " God told me not to marry her and I did not listen "

[candymoon]

It would be nice if people were more in touch with what they really want before tying the knot and dragging innocent children into their confusion. When the $hip goes down there are no ideal solutions. All an ex husband and ex wife can do is to remain dedicated to being good parents while learning from the experience; soul searching for what kind of person they really want in their lives... if any. This is my conclusion after growing up in a family where my mom left after i was 20 and my dad told me that " God told me not to marry her and I did not listen "

 

Well I think that most people marry or get tied down way too young before they even KNOW what they want. 19, 20, 24 is a bit young to be making lifelong decisions. People at that age generally don't think long term.

 

I think the worst, tho, is when people drag their kids into the reasons WHY they are getting a divorce. No matter of the age of the kids, my vote is to keep them out of it--they don't need to know that mommy or daddy is a BS or WS. I think parents do this for two reasons:

 

1. To get revenge on the WS.

2. So the kids won't think it's THEIR fault the family is dividing.

 

Both reasons are selfish and causes extra stress on the kids--forcing them to question things they don't need to question about BOTH parents, or making them feel like (not necessarily that they have to, but they might feel inclined) to choose sides. That is wrong. I think that screws them up most of all.

 

No, they wont necessarily be ruined for life if parents are proactive and do damage control if the kids find out. I think that's a bit dramatic. There are worse things in life that kids are exposd to than divorce in this world as a whole...like war and death of a parent at a young age. It's hard and painful and being a BS myself, however, I do try to keep these things in perspective and keep the bigger picture in mind.

[bentnotbroken]

Well I think that most people marry or get tied down way too young before they even KNOW what they want. 19, 20, 24 is a bit young to be making lifelong decisions. People at that age generally don't think long term.

 

I think the worst, tho, is when people drag their kids into the reasons WHY they are getting a divorce. No matter of the age of the kids, my vote is to keep them out of it--they don't need to know that mommy or daddy is a BS or WS. I think parents do this for two reasons:

 

1. To get revenge on the WS.

2. So the kids won't think it's THEIR fault the family is dividing.

 

Both reasons are selfish and causes extra stress on the kids--forcing them to question things they don't need to question about BOTH parents, or making them feel like (not necessarily that they have to, but they might feel inclined) to choose sides. That is wrong. I think that screws them up most of all.

 

No, they wont necessarily be ruined for life if parents are proactive and do damage control if the kids find out. I think that's a bit dramatic. There are worse things in life that kids are exposd to than divorce in this world as a whole...like war and death of a parent at a young age. It's hard and painful and being a BS myself, however, I do try to keep these things in perspective and keep the bigger picture in mind.

 

 

Not all professionals agree with your assessment about not telling the children, including the two I consulted and the parenting classes I attended with professionals after filing for divorce. You and I do disagree on keeping the children in the dark. They are a part of the family, things that affect them, they should know(age appropriate of course) and in my case my kids found out before I did. It wasn't my job to lie for their father. It was only my job to apologize for the things that I did to hurt them and to promise not to lie to them. If they asked a question, I answered them truthfully. That built a level of trust that allows them to come to me with other issues. I would have it no other way.

[fooled once]

Not all professionals agree with your assessment about not telling the children, including the two I consulted and the parenting classes I attended with professionals after filing for divorce. You and I do disagree on keeping the children in the dark. They are a part of the family, things that affect them, they should know(age appropriate of course) and in my case my kids found out before I did. It wasn't my job to lie for their father. It was only my job to apologize for the things that I did to hurt them and to promise not to lie to them. If they asked a question, I answered them truthfully. That built a level of trust that allows them to come to me with other issues. I would have it no other way.

 

Totally agree Bent. It is very sad when kids have to find out from others that daddy/mommy is screwing someone else. The person who is to blame IS THE CHEATER - not the betrayed spouse. Kids also shouldn't be lied to (again, age appropriate).

 

Candy, if the cheater didn't cheat in the first place, then the kids wouldn't have to live with knowing what their parent did. If the person wanted out of the marriage so badly, they COULD have filed for divorce, instead of cheating. What causes stress on the kids is not having an honest, trustworthy role model - having a parent who can't be an adult and do the right things in ending a marriage instead of having an affair. You cannot blame a BS for the cheating of the cheater. The BS wouldn't be angry or hurt over their cheating spouse and tell the kids IF the cheater didn't cheat in the first place

[candymoon]

Totally agree Bent. It is very sad when kids have to find out from others that daddy/mommy is screwing someone else. The person who is to blame IS THE CHEATER - not the betrayed spouse. Kids also shouldn't be lied to (again, age appropriate).

 

Candy, if the cheater didn't cheat in the first place, then the kids wouldn't have to live with knowing what their parent did. If the person wanted out of the marriage so badly, they COULD have filed for divorce, instead of cheating. What causes stress on the kids is not having an honest, trustworthy role model - having a parent who can't be an adult and do the right things in ending a marriage instead of having an affair. You cannot blame a BS for the cheating of the cheater. The BS wouldn't be angry or hurt over their cheating spouse and tell the kids IF the cheater didn't cheat in the first place

 

I have been reading some sick and wild stories on here of people telling the kids in a rage (who are too young to tie their shoes, much less understand the complexities of an M). My child is only 4. What does she need to know at this point? Nothing. that would be silly for me to come out of the blue, even on a bad day when I'm really deep into the anger, to just say, "hey, daddy did a bad thing with another woman." wtf?

 

If I do decide to D, and she asks, say as a teenager I'll tell her the other things that are wrong with this relationship and there are many... maybe at 30, I'll tell her the full story. Maybe.

 

Some of the stuff I read here is...wow...

[candymoon]

Oh and I think mostly what gets me in these stories is the INTENTION behind telling the kids. Is it to be honest? Or is it to stick it to the cheating spouse? Do they reveal it in a screaming rage and demand to know, from the child, who s/he wants to live with since Mommy/Daddy eff'd up? Or sit the children calmly down and say something to the effect of "I made a mistake and I'm sorry."?

 

Hey, my H is a sh!yty H, but he is a decent father. I would not do the former above in any circumstance to ruin THEIR relationship because, at the moment, I hate his guts and OUR relationship is in the toilet.

 

I'm not fooling myself into thinking my circumstances are different or special, or my M, his A, or whatever. People have been cheating as long as there have been marriages. It hurts like a b!tch, but as I said before, I try to keep it all in context.

[worlybear]

So answer this then guys. My ex has chosen to live with the ow and her 10 yr old daughter. Our 8 yr old daughter wrote and asked him why he had put her as second best and the other child 1st.

He hasn't replied.

He has not bothered to contact her at all.

I tell her that she is worth more than this but I can't begin to tell you what grief his selfish behaviour has caused her.

She has a loving family and friends around her- but only time will tell the true effect of his rejection of her.

I would like to say more but would probably end up banned!