Staying for the kids...

[BB07]

So answer this then guys. My ex has chosen to live with the ow and her 10 yr old daughter. Our 8 yr old daughter wrote and asked him why he had put her as second best and the other child 1st.

He hasn't replied.

He has not bothered to contact her at all.

I tell her that she is worth more than this but I can't begin to tell you what grief his selfish behaviour has caused her.

She has a loving family and friends around her- but only time will tell the true effect of his rejection of her.

I would like to say more but would probably end up banned!

 

Before I venture a guess....about some more info from you?

 

Why does your daughter feel she is 2nd best? Is it because he is living with the OW and he isn't at home with her or is it because of the no contact from him?

[anne1707]

Before I venture a guess....about some more info from you?

 

Why does your daughter feel she is 2nd best? Is it because he is living with the OW and he isn't at home with her or is it because of the no contact from him?

 

 

Worly's daughter lives with her. The H (i.e.the father) left to be with the OW and her daughter. He basically makes b****r all effort to see/call his own daughter now.

 

(Hope you don't mind me clarifying for you Worly )

[BB07]

Worly's daughter lives with her. The H (i.e.the father) left to be with the OW and her daughter. He basically makes b****r all effort to see/call his own daughter now.

 

(Hope you don't mind me clarifying for you Worly )

 

 

And you know this how?

 

I asked the questions so I wouldn't be making assumptions. So......I'd like to hear the explanation from Worly herself.

Edited May 30, 2010 by BB07
grammar

[anne1707]

And you know this how?

 

I asked the questions so I wouldn't be making assumptions. So......I'd like to hear the explanation from Worly herself.

 

I have followed Worly's story from the very start. It's all here on LS.

[candymoon]

Well a WAS is a different thing than a cheating spouse staying for the kids or a family trying to work though its effects. Outright abandonment is a whole other animal. Sorry for anyone going through that.

[BB07]

I have followed Worly's story from the very start. It's all here on LS.

 

I went back and read some of her posts......What a ****z! No one should abandon their children.

[Fallen Angel]

So answer this then guys. My ex has chosen to live with the ow and her 10 yr old daughter. Our 8 yr old daughter wrote and asked him why he had put her as second best and the other child 1st.

He hasn't replied.

He has not bothered to contact her at all.

I tell her that she is worth more than this but I can't begin to tell you what grief his selfish behaviour has caused her.

She has a loving family and friends around her- but only time will tell the true effect of his rejection of her.

I would like to say more but would probably end up banned!

 

That has to do with the man that fathered the child, not the OW.

 

My ex-H has done the same thing to our children. Only he did one better. He got the courts to grant him legal custody and award him child support (the court granted him default judgement because I could not afford to travel half-way across the country for the hearing). As soon as he got that, he cut ties with his kids, laughing at me because not only will I not get child support to help raise them, but I am court ordered to pay him support for the children I am raising! As soon as he accomplished this he moved and changed his phone number so that his children have no way of contacting him.

 

I did not allow him to abandon the children from his first marriage when I was married to him. I initiated contact with his children, with his ex-wife, and made sure that the girls came to visit regularly. (I paid for their travel.) I purchased gifts for every holiday and birthday for them. I worked double shifts to pay for their school trips. I made sure that his daughters from his first marriage (one of which was not biologically his *I called her my chosen child*) were a regular part of our lives.

 

They (my stepdaughters) still have contact with me, but none with their father. I was invited to his oldest daughter's wedding. He was not.

 

Do not put the blame for your ex's poor (lacking) parenting off on his OW. It is HIS responsibility, not hers. (Though she should put a boot straight up his a$$!!!) But that is really not her fault. It is a choice he is making.

 

I am sorry that your daughter is suffering. I have told my children that they are wonderful kids, and that their father is struggling to get himself together mentally and emotionally and when/if he does he will realize what he is missing but until then, I will love them and support them and be proud of them enough for two. (What else is there that I can do?)

[anne1707]

Do not put the blame for your ex's poor (lacking) parenting off on his OW. It is HIS responsibility, not hers. (Though she should put a boot straight up his a$$!!!) But that is really not her fault. It is a choice he is making.

 

Nowhere in Worly's post does she put the blame for her husband's lack of care for his daugher on the OW. Worly clearly states that it is HIS fault.

[Fallen Angel]

So answer this then guys. My ex has chosen to live with the ow and her 10 yr old daughter. Our 8 yr old daughter wrote and asked him why he had put her as second best and the other child 1st.

He hasn't replied.

He has not bothered to contact her at all.

I tell her that she is worth more than this but I can't begin to tell you what grief his selfish behaviour has caused her.

She has a loving family and friends around her- but only time will tell the true effect of his rejection of her.

I would like to say more but would probably end up banned!

 

Nowhere in Worly's post does she put the blame for her husband's lack of care for his daugher on the OW. Worly clearly states that it is HIS fault.

 

I assumed (I apologize if my assumption was incorrect.) that she put some of the blame for his abandoning her child on the OW based on her mentioning the OW in the post. If she does not feel that any of the responsibility for this lies at the feet of the OW why mention the OW at all in the post?

 

And why would she be banned for saying more unless it was to be a rant against OW in general? *I am sure no one here would be in the least offended by her saying that her exhusband is a total ASSHAT F**K-WAD as I think that BS and OP alike would feel that would be an accurate description for anyone who abandons their children like that.

[anne1707]

I assumed (I apologize if my assumption was incorrect.) that she put some of the blame for his abandoning her child on the OW based on her mentioning the OW in the post. If she does not feel that any of the responsibility for this lies at the feet of the OW why mention the OW at all in the post?

 

And why would she be banned for saying more unless it was to be a rant against OW in general? *I am sure no one here would be in the least offended by her saying that her exhusband is a total ASSHAT F**K-WAD as I think that BS and OP alike would feel that would be an accurate description for anyone who abandons their children like that.

 

All that she said was that he now lives with the OW and her daughter. Nothing more than that. If you interpret that as blaming the OW then IMO that really is stretching nothing into something.

 

I have followed Worly's journey and she very much lays the blame at her H's feet. If she expressed everything she felt about him then she probably would be banned.

[NoIDidn't]

I assumed (I apologize if my assumption was incorrect.) that she put some of the blame for his abandoning her child on the OW based on her mentioning the OW in the post. If she does not feel that any of the responsibility for this lies at the feet of the OW why mention the OW at all in the post?

 

And why would she be banned for saying more unless it was to be a rant against OW in general? *I am sure no one here would be in the least offended by her saying that her exhusband is a total ASSHAT F**K-WAD as I think that BS and OP alike would feel that would be an accurate description for anyone who abandons their children like that.

 

 

Its clear that the OW and her 10 year old were brought up because he's rejected the family (her and her daughter) for the OW and her daughter. This is all about his actions. This is all about the child's perception. That's what I took it as. Any rant she may have had about the OW seemed like a different subject, so she left it out.

 

I felt the same when my dad married a woman with several children and then told a court that he couldn't take care of me because of that. I fault the court for not verifying that those kids weren't his biologically and that I was older than all of them - and still in need of his financial assistance. But I fault my dad for "going to live with his new W and HER FOUR CHILDREN" and not taking my calls or letters. Just like the 10 year old in the story.

 

What she said about not being able to say what she wanted to about the OW had nothing to do with the statement you chose to bold, IMO. And you are jumping to conclusions to assume that it had anything to do with her just wanting to bash OW. Please don't be so quick to state that you'd not feel anger towards a woman that your H leaves you to live with and stays with her and her family and completely shuns the family he had with you to do so. A little girl misses and needs her daddy and because of his actions, their relationship will likely never be one of trust even if they eventually reconcile.

[Fallen Angel]

Its clear that the OW and her 10 year old were brought up because he's rejected the family (her and her daughter) for the OW and her daughter. This is all about his actions. This is all about the child's perception. That's what I took it as. Any rant she may have had about the OW seemed like a different subject, so she left it out.

 

I felt the same when my dad married a woman with several children and then told a court that he couldn't take care of me because of that. I fault the court for not verifying that those kids weren't his biologically and that I was older than all of them - and still in need of his financial assistance. But I fault my dad for "going to live with his new W and HER FOUR CHILDREN" and not taking my calls or letters. Just like the 10 year old in the story.

 

What she said about not being able to say what she wanted to about the OW had nothing to do with the statement you chose to bold, IMO. And you are jumping to conclusions to assume that it had anything to do with her just wanting to bash OW. Please don't be so quick to state that you'd not feel anger towards a woman that your H leaves you to live with and stays with her and her family and completely shuns the family he had with you to do so. A little girl misses and needs her daddy and because of his actions, their relationship will likely never be one of trust even if they eventually reconcile.

 

I am quite certain I would not feel anger towards her. I live this scenario. My exhusband is currently living with his brother's wife and is helping her to support and raise the six children she mothered with other people. I do not fault her at all, I fault him. Plain and simple.

 

Why you and Anne want to pick one line out of all that I said and try to pick me apart on it I don't know. But feel free to move on from discussing it. I was showing sympathy and empathy for a woman who is obviously hurting (and in fact was "off topic") but you and Anne have decided to make me out to somehow be trying to be mean to her. Enough!

[anne1707]

Why you and Anne want to pick one line out of all that I said and try to pick me apart on it I don't know. But feel free to move on from discussing it. I was showing sympathy and empathy for a woman who is obviously hurting (and in fact was "off topic") but you and Anne have decided to make me out to somehow be trying to be mean to her. Enough!

 

I just objected to Worly being labelled as an OW basher when she's not. Simple as that.

 

And I think her post had relevance because she was pointing out that MM will leave in spite of the children contrary to the belief that they stay because of them.

[worlybear]

Thank you Anne. I was merely trying to make the point that some men will leave their children whatever happens. I have tried to keep the contact going between father and daughter but he's just not interested- it's like he has completely wiped her from his life.

The ow has gained a father for her daughter(her own daughter's dad isn't around) and yes, that sucks!

My daughter can't understand why he has dropped her so absolutely- I think he feels so guilty he just can't handle it.

Whatever the reason he's an absolute a** and my daughter deserves better! I'm waiting for the karma train to arrive and I wish it would hurry up!

Re ow- in our case she was known to the family and knew EXACTLY what she was doing -but went ahead anyway.

I lay the blame equally between them both.

[BB07]

Thank you Anne. I was merely trying to make the point that some men will leave their children whatever happens. I have tried to keep the contact going between father and daughter but he's just not interested- it's like he has completely wiped her from his life.

The ow has gained a father for her daughter(her own daughter's dad isn't around) and yes, that sucks!

My daughter can't understand why he has dropped her so absolutely- I think he feels so guilty he just can't handle it.

Whatever the reason he's an absolute a** and my daughter deserves better! I'm waiting for the karma train to arrive and I wish it would hurry up!

Re ow- in our case she was known to the family and knew EXACTLY what she was doing -but went ahead anyway.

I lay the blame equally between them both.

 

 

I'm sorry worlybear, it sounds like you've had a terrible time of it.

A man who abandons his children is an asswipe.....plain and simple.

[Fallen Angel]

Thank you Anne. I was merely trying to make the point that some men will leave their children whatever happens. I have tried to keep the contact going between father and daughter but he's just not interested- it's like he has completely wiped her from his life.

The ow has gained a father for her daughter(her own daughter's dad isn't around) and yes, that sucks!

My daughter can't understand why he has dropped her so absolutely- I think he feels so guilty he just can't handle it.

Whatever the reason he's an absolute a** and my daughter deserves better! I'm waiting for the karma train to arrive and I wish it would hurry up!

Re ow- in our case she was known to the family and knew EXACTLY what she was doing -but went ahead anyway.

I lay the blame equally between them both.

 

Blame should be placed on them both for the affair. The blame for your exhusband abandoning his duty as parent rests solely with him.

 

I whole-heartedly can empathize with your situation, I simply do not agree with the blame game.

[OWoman]

I'd say the answer to that depends on how functional the family unit remains. If the family is happy and productive, then I don't know what the harm is.

 

I just think that would very rarely be the case. It's a rare affair where someone isn't getting hurt.

 

If the MM/MW is such a sociopath, or so compartmentalized a human being, that they can truly ACT as if they are not emotionally vested elsewhere in someone else, maybe the kids won't be scarred for life. Who knows.....

 

On the points of functional family units, and emotional investment - everything depends on the circumstances of the individual case, IME.

 

In the case of my own childhood - the family "unit" was completely dysfunctional, unhappy and destructive from the outset. There was no emotional investment left (had there ever been any to start...) by the time us kids were around, so there would have been nothing to lose had the family split at that time. However, instead of that, my father went on to have an A. According to popular belief, things should have gone still further downhill as a result - but, instead, they improved rather palpably, for us kids at least. (For my mother, things continued on much the same.) My father would come home happy, would interact with us, show some interest in our days, and not waft around like a sullen ghost as he had hitherto. It was the happiest time of our childhood. His emotional investment SOMEWHERE - anywhere - allowed some kind of unlocking of that great emotional vault inside himself, and allowed him to invest in us emotionally as well. For the first time ever, my father was able to sit down next to me and tell me he loved me. I don't know what his early romance with my mother had been like, but it was as if his OW had taught him how to love - and we were the grateful beneficiaries.

 

In my stepkids' case, things were a little different. They had gone through an earlier split (no A involved) where their mother had left, after attacking their father violently in their presence. They had been completely traumatised, had been unable to open up during counselling, and had watched as during the separation their mother had become increasingly self-destructive, attempting suicide, drinking excessively, spiralling down into total annihilation. Their father had been fine - getting on with life, feeling like he'd stopped bashing his head against a stone wall, doing well at work and socially - but obviously worried about the kids. The family "unit" was not fine, despite his obvious emotional investment. And so, when she came around begging him to take her back, promising all kinds of change and agreeing to MC, he agreed for the kids' sake.

 

Which, as history later revealed, was a mistake - but he did what he thought best at the time.

 

The kids improved a little, but stayed withdrawn, did really badly in school, struggled socially and promised to become real problem kids. Their mother was present, but absent-in-presence: completely uninvested emotionally, resorting to her former ways almost as soon as she was back in the door. Their father continued to try his hardest, single-parenting them while the two parents live separate lives under the same roof. Their mother would try to compensate for her lack of emotional availability by buying stuff for them - their bedrooms were crammed, as was every storage space in the house - and they would hide from the world behind computer games or DVDs or Bebo.

 

And then he met me. He developed a different emotional lexicon, started speaking to them about emotional issues and they started opening up to him, slowly, cautiously. When the time came for decisions about the future, they were optimistic - they looked forward to the split, to the prospect of living in a "proper" family, and they adapted well and quickly when it happened. Since the split, they've become outgoing, successful, happy kids, doing well at school, with solid circles of close friends and wider gangs of other friends, enjoying life and forming solid romantic relationships of their own.

 

In both cases, emotional investment elsewhere was the key to opening up emotionally accessible spaces within the father that benefitted the kids. Obviously, this is in the context of an emotionally sterile, withdrawn M - where there has been warmth and connection within the M, the withdrawal of that and subsequent investment elsewhere would be experienced as a loss, but where there was none, it's subsequent accessibility albeit externally mediated is definitely a gain for the kids, and allows the nascence of a family unit to emerge from they dysfunction of the nuclear family.

 

Not every situation is the same. Each situation needs to be evaluated on its own merits.