I think I'm more attractive than a baseball!?! :)

[martha74]

Looking for perspectives...

 

I live with my boyfriend we will call "frank".

 

Both of my maternal grandparents died this year within 12 weeks of each other. The funerals were out of town and across the country. My boyfriend did not attend the funerals - which is understandable due to the cost.

 

However, after 3 years of dating & 2 years of cohabitation - he has not met my family from my maternal side. Finally this summer they were able to stop in for a visit at my mothers....about 2.5 hours from our home. An important visit since I only see this part of the family every few years and because we had a significant loss this year.

 

Frank was unable to attend because he had a sports tournament.

 

Note: He is not a professional athlete.

 

 

No matter how much I told him how important it was for him to attend - he wasn't able to make it. He did at one point offer to show up for an hour or so before his game (please remember...the drive to the 'reunion is 2.5 hours each way...that is 5 hours of driving for an hour visit).

 

After the fact, I am still resentful and he still doesn't see my point. I mean - we live together, marriage is in the future...is this a sign that I'm not going to be a priority?

 

 

help! I need someone elses perspective here. he says that he has a committment to his ball team...i kind of think he has one to me?

[Arabess]

If he can't juggle BOTH and give you some required family relationship equal time......I'd be questioning where his priorities are. Is this a guy who will neglect to visit you in the hospital because he's tied up at a ball game?

 

I understand a lot of men LOVE their sports......but some take it WAY TOO FAR!

 

You wouldn't neglect being around HIS family because you have plans to play 'dolls' with your girlfriends. HAHA!

 

Some guys really need to grow up on the sports thing. It's all they talk about at work too!

[Errol]

I am a family first person. Had that been me I would of course have gone with you. However, I do know some people who simply don't think the same way. It doesn't mean they don't love or respect their partner -- it's just now how they are. The only example I can give is that I have a friend whose wife was away visiting her mother in another state. He offered to drive her to the bus that goes to the airport and it ended up he drove her to the airport at her request, but said that she could take the bus back from the airport (they live about 40 miles from the airport) and he would pick her up at the busstop. It would never occur to me to not take or pick up my spouse, or any family member, at an airport!

 

In his defense, he did offer to drive up before his game--you should have taken him up on that. Considering the length of the drive I think that was a decent offer.

 

Maybe its time you two have an honest discussion about your views on family and on other commitments, such as work, friends, teams, competitions, etc. and make sure you both know how the other feels and thinks about these things. It doesn't make him wrong for thinking or feeling different than you, and it doesn't make you wrong for thinking or feeling different from him.

[martha74]

thanks for the insights..

 

i have chatted with him about this, and neither of us have changed our opinion on the matter. Perhaps I should have taken him on the hour visit offer, but I viewed it as a token offer, and perhaps a defensive "out" to the real thing...you know, the "well I offerred to drive 5 hours for an hour there!".

 

The truth is, is that I am beginning to re-evaluate our relationship, and am pondering over the things that I have aided in some resentment I feel towards him. ie) we were to leave for my families at 4 last week for a visit - and something came up and we didn't leave until after 7.

 

#1) This would not happen if it was his family

#2) This would not happen if it was a golf game.

 

 

Secondly, I work in a hospital. On Christmas Eve I was going to be alone until I had to go into work for 11pm - knowing that he still chose to go to his families and spend the evening with them, not me. I told him that if he had even recognized that I was going to be alone...or atleast offerred to stay with me, I still would have insisted he visit his family ---- but because it wasn't acknowledge, I was annoyed!

 

So yes - things to ponder!!!

 

Thanks!

martha74

[AprilFool]

Yep he's selfish. Yep, he puts baseball above your family.

 

#1 he hasn't met them, so maybe he's not exactly looking forward to it.

#2 did he commit to this game before you asked him to visit your family?

#3 He loves baseball, and he hates meeting new people......why would he do something he doesn't like when he can do something he likes?

#4 If he's like my husband, and if he's any bit young (early to late 20s) then he probably just didn't get how important this visit was to you. You may have tried to tell him, but he just couldn't comprehend how important it was....some men (My husband included) just don't get things like that.

 

It sounds like he's selfish: "what I want before everything else." Exactly like my husband.

 

However, you can't change him so just accept it, and change your mind. Instead of thinking, "He didn't go with me, he doesn't love me." think, "I sure am glad he didn't go with me...I missed my family so much, and if he had went with me, then my family would have spent the entire time trying to entertain him, and I wouldn't have gotten any family time with them at all!"

 

Can you change your mind?

[AprilFool]

P.S. My husband couldn't care less if I went with him to visit his family. I want to go. My husband usually couldn't care less if I went anywhere with him.

 

I, on the other hand, want my husband to go with me to visit family, and other functions I join. I hate it when people ask, "Where's your husband" I HATE THAT. I have to make up some excuese...I feel like yelling, "I don't matter enough to him for him to visit anyone I want to visit."

 

If we go to the movies, we watch what he wants to watch...if I want to watch something, I go alone, if he wants to watch something, I want to go with him...just to be with him.

 

My husband has this perogative wherein he doesn't MAKE me go anywhere or do anything I don't want to do. He won't beg. He'll only ask once, and I have to be ready to go when he's ready.

 

He and I are different. if he goes somewhere, I want to go with him. If I go somewhere, he doesn't want to go with me. He only goes places that he wants to go to, but I will go places that I don't particularly want to go, because he's going.

 

Are you like this? Will you go to golf games and visit his family even if you don't particularly care to just so you can be with him? Does he ask if you want to go, and if you say no, does he not put up any fight, or beg you to go? Does he never want to go with you to YOUR functions?

 

Something that I've been working on in myself, is realizing that since my husband is so different than me, that he may not feel as strongly about things as I do. For example: if he wants to visit his uncle, I rush and get ready to go with him, because I think he will want me to be there. Now, since I was so ready to go with him, I expect that he'll return the favore. Since I found him so important to me that I will rush to be by his side, I expect him to do the same for me. My husband didn't see it like this though. My husband simply saw that I didn't have anything better to do, so I went with him. My husband saw that I wanted to visit his uncle. The reason my husband didn't see me visiting his uncle as a favore to him, is because he couldn't care less if I go with him or not...he'd have been equally happy with me not there, as with me there.

 

We are different though. We (me and the topic starter)are not as happy without our husbands there, and we can't comprehend why they don't understand this. It's because we are different people.

 

I bet if you asked your husband to rate on a scale from 1-10 how important you visiting his family with him is, he'd probably rate it at a 0. He doesn't care. You on the other hand, would put it at 8.

 

Your boyfriend probably EXPECTS you to give him the curtiousy of not bugging him to go where he doesn't want to go, because he doesn't bug you to go where you don't want to go. Exactly the same way you EXPECT him to go with you to visit family, because you don't hesitate to go with him to visit family.

 

Now, I'm not saying visiting your family is like visiting his, because yours lives so far away. I honestly don't think he understood how important it was to you. My husband won't visit some of my family, becaus "I will meet them some day....." I'm sure your guy figures he'll meet your family at a more convenient time.

 

I hope someo of this rambling made sense, it's probably just his personality.

 

My husband didn't go to a funeral because he "had to work." He usually gets home at 11, and that's PLENTY of time to make it to a 2p.m. funeral. For some reason, though, the day of the funeral he didn't get home in time. I felt like I wasn't important to him, because he should've been there to comfort me. Oh well, my husband is who he is, and I guess I'm going to have to just accept that. Doesn't mean I have to like it, but I married him, so I do have to live with it.

[martha74]

Thanks for the thoughts & words.

 

No - he expects I attend everything pertaining to his family functions - his family functions take priority, that really is the message.

 

Additionally, we aren't married - and this is one of the things holding me back. Why settle for something that bothers me this much?

 

I can understand having different interests - he loves golf and I'd rather go to lunch - but those are just things we prefer. When it comes to family (his lives just as far away as mine)...i expect equality.

 

thanks april - you gave me lots of things to look at!

 

martha

[moimeme]

Great post, April!

 

For some reason, though, the day of the funeral he didn't get home in time. I felt like I wasn't important to him, because he should've been there to comfort me

 

I thought you said he had been in trouble at work and didn't want to bug the boss by leaving...?

[lisapisa]

Hi,

 

I think you've answered your own questions. Frank is a big baby in grown up clothes. Guys like him live for sports and their friends...he's not going to change. Believe me, I'm married to a guy like that and after 14 years, he will always blow me off for a hockey game or a golf game. And stay out at a bar afterwards. And I am very attractive and smart, which makes it even worse. It's not like he's leaving some couch potato for better things. Anyway, you say marriage is on the horizon. When? Let me tell you, if he's not devoted during the "chase," he is not going to be devoted when you're married. Men do not change; indeed, they usually slack off a bit. And don't have kids with him or you will raise them alone and then your life will be a living hell. Start doing your own thing, move out and find someone who gives a damn. Good luck.