If you are single, and he is married, are you a cheater?

[Mombot]

Is it the MM that's the cheater/ If you are single, would you be a cheater too?

[bentnotbroken]

If you are single I wouldn't think you are cheating. But the aiding in adultery isn't too cool either.

[NoIDidn't]

My opinion is basically that the single person isn't the cheater, but there is something wrong emotionally that they would put themselves in that position to begin with. And I don't say this to insult anyone, I was once in this position years ago. It wasn't until I confronted my issues that I was even able to attempt a healthy R with an uncommitted guy.

 

Helping a cheater cheat is still not a good thing to be involved in.

[jwi71]

"Accessory before the fact"

Helping plan or provide assistance BEFORE the crime happens. You are not guilty of ANY crime until the crime OCCURS at which point you are JUST AS GUILTY as the actor of the crime committed.

 

"Accessory after the fact"

Whoever aids ,provides comfort, relief and/or assistance after the crime has been committed and who KNOWS the crime was committed is consider GUILTY of the crime committed.

 

Cheating?

 

Well you knew he was married and went ahead anyway. In this context, you, like he, are guilty of the crime - adultery. No way around it - yes, you are a cheater.

 

And yes, I know, cheating is not a crime in most jurisdictions...

And I also know I have simplified much of the above but is essentially correct in MOST (if not all) jurisdictions.

[Mombot]

What were the issues you had to confront?

[LucreziaBorgia]

The single person 'dating' a MM isn't a cheater, but they are conspirator - which makes them just as culpable.

[NoIDidn't]

What were the issues you had to confront?

 

They were fears, really. Fears and insecurities. There is a poster here that voices my insecurities well because of her views on being validated by the MM/committed guy by being willing to step out with her.

 

I was somewhat of a drama-queen/bunny boiler during that time. Daddy issues. Abandonment. Abuse. I had nice packaging, but I was really damaged inside.

 

The committed guy/MM/OW dynamic helped me relive those issues. I had to step off the ride to see it for what it was.

 

Its not the same for everyone. This is just my path. The road I've had to travel to find a healthy R.

 

I have never cheated (not really, I don't think) in a R. But being someone's OW is really no better than being the cheater, IMO (now, at least).

[Mombot]

Actually. I didn't know he was married. We had been friends for 3 years before we ever went out.

[crazycatlady]

Is it the MM that's the cheater/ If you are single, would you be a cheater too?

 

 

What does it matter?

 

Seriously? Why ask this? Does it change things?

[ppj]

Is it the MM that's the cheater/ If you are single, would you be a cheater too?

***unfortunately Yes you are; you are in the middle of someone elses game and are sure to loose*** you don't have a responsibility to his relationship but you do have a responsibility to yourself. Extramarital affairs make it easy because they are non commital but regardless you are taking the easy way to stay involved with a married man.***From experience, if you have not started RUN!!!! There are plenty of other men who would love your company and it could be mutually meaningless (if you're looking for that kind of thing)

[2sunny]

Actually. I didn't know he was married. We had been friends for 3 years before we ever went out.

 

hard to believe - how could you seriously not know - or eveb ask him throughout 3 years?

[2sunny]

Actually. I didn't know he was married. We had been friends for 3 years before we ever went out.

 

and now that you know he's married - do you still plan to "date" this married man?

 

has he told his wife he's sporting a girlfriend?

[ADF]

Yes, you would be a cheater, too. Granted, the MM's degree of guilt would be greater; it was he who promised to be faithful. However, in having an affair with a MM, you are doing something horribly hurtful to some women who, in all likelihood, you don't even know and who has done nothing to harm you. That is pretty evil.

[mamadee]

i'm torn on this because my situation was weird...i was in a committed relationship with "brian" and i moved away...i planned on marrying him one day...it wasn't a long distance (15 miles), but at the time it seemed a huge distance...

 

in any case he ended up seeing somebody else but he also continued seeing me...

 

he ended up getting her pregnant and had a kid with her (all while still seeing me)...he finally married her and we didn't see each other or talk with each other for several years (i got married a couple years after "brian" did)...

 

a few years ago he found me via myspace and our friendship (platonic) was renewed...however he wanted more...

 

i don't know what i would have said if i had been single...i have been "the other woman" before and i hated it...i don't think i could be again (and i would never consider cheating on my husband--he is the best thing that has ever happened to me)...

 

i guess i never considered me to be cheating because he was the one cheating (depending on the time on me and on "mandy")...

 

i'm not judging...just warning...being the other woman sucks ...find somebody who's available for a real relationship...

[MizFit]

No...I am single and I am not cheating. I would gladly go to his W and let her know just what is going on, but my relationship is with him and he obviously doesn't want that to happen. Having said that...when Ddays have rolled around and she and I have spoken she has had nothing but the truth from me. I have always told him I'll respect his stance and not approach her, but if she approaches me I won't lie and I won't back down. What he tells her is his business and what I tell her is mine. If she were a friend I would never be in the position in the first place-I'd have told her from the get go. Since I have no relationship with her the choice is his.

 

If I were to find someone else and have a committed relationship with that person then the MM would have to go...that would be cheating.

[Trimmer]

Is it the MM that's the cheater/ If you are single, would you be a cheater too?

 

What does it matter?

 

Seriously? Why ask this? Does it change things?

I agree - I think any threads asking "does this qualify as cheating?" misses the point, as if simply deciding whether it gets the label also determines whether it is wrong, or whether you are in the clear.

 

The better question is, irrespective of whether it gets named "cheating" or gets any other label, do you feel it is right, moral, and ethical according to your own codes? Are you being honest with yourself about what you are doing and why, and whether it really meets your expectations of your own behavior?

 

Those are harder questions to answer than just asking other people "Is this cheating?"

 

No...I am single and I am not cheating. I would gladly go to his W and let her know just what is going on, but my relationship is with him and he obviously doesn't want that to happen. Having said that...when Ddays have rolled around and she and I have spoken she has had nothing but the truth from me. I have always told him I'll respect his stance and not approach her, but if she approaches me I won't lie and I won't back down. What he tells her is his business and what I tell her is mine.

An interesting choice of words in the bolded section. It sounds like you acquiesce to his wishes, but do you truly "respect" his stance? It sure sounds like compartmentalizing, rationalizing, and looking the other way, as opposed to respect.

 

If she were a friend I would never be in the position in the first place-I'd have told her from the get go. Since I have no relationship with her the choice is his.

So only through friendship can one earn earn your respect toward one's marriage? Strangers don't get that respect from you?

 

If I were to find someone else and have a committed relationship with that person then the MM would have to go...that would be cheating.

So that clearly doesn't meet your standard for your own behavior, and I assume you wouldn't stand for your partner cheating against you, but it's OK if he's cheating with you?

Edited May 25, 2010 by Trimmer

[rewe4reel]

Yes. You would be a cheater, too.

[MizFit]

I agree - I think any threads asking "does this qualify as cheating?" misses the point, as if simply deciding whether it gets the label also determines whether it is wrong, or whether you are in the clear.

 

The better question is, irrespective of whether it gets named "cheating" or gets any other label, do you feel it is right, moral, and ethical according to your own codes? Are you being honest with yourself about what you are doing and why, and whether it really meets your expectations of your own behavior?

 

Those are harder questions to answer than just asking other people "Is this cheating?"

 

 

An interesting choice of words in the bolded section. It sounds like you acquiesce to his wishes, but do you truly "respect" his stance? It sure sounds like compartmentalizing, rationalizing, and looking the other way, as opposed to respect.

I respect it as in he has explained the situation and I respect the stance he has taken. I may not agree with it, but I respect his decisions and his stance. I can liken it to religion or sexual preferences...someone may worship in a way I don't agree with or participate in, but I can respect their decision and their stance. I may not agree with open marriages, but if it is a decision someone has made I respect their decision...again, I may well not agree, but I do respect it.

 

So only through friendship can one earn earn your respect toward one's marriage? Strangers don't get that respect from you?

I would tell a friend immediately because that is the relationship I would be responding to...in the case with my MM the relationship is with him. He decides what is told to her and I'm fine with that...the decisions as to what he does are his...the consequences are his...the hurt inflicted is by him. As I said, I would happily tell his W what is going on, but he obviously doesn't want that...it's his choice.

 

 

So that clearly doesn't meet your standard for your own behavior, and I assume you wouldn't stand for your partner cheating against you, but it's OK if he's cheating with you?

19 years ago my xH admitted he was cheating on me and in the next breath I told him to leave. I would not be married to someone who cheated on me. He married his OW and in the 17 years they've been married he hasn't cheated...just because our marriage was vulnerable and he did something to me didn't mean they would be in the same situation.

 

My responses are in bold and I hope I answered all directed at me. If I didn't I'll post again and hit those.

 

I feel very strongly that the cheater is the guilty party...the OW/OM could be anyone or a string of anyones. If someone wants to cheat they will and the partner is totally immaterial. I have felt this way from the time my father cheated on my mother over and over again. I saw the pain HE caused her over the years...I saw her hurt and stay and never have the life she should have had. I wouldn't let anyone do that to me. Having said all of that, as I stated above my exH cheated once and never again...I was not going to deal with the pain and I knew for a fact I could not forgive and forget.

 

The AP doesn't matter...the WS doesn't always cheat again...hope I hit everything in all of this and sorry if I rambled!

[2sure]

Sure, the only one that is betraying someone they love in an affair is the married person. But to be involved with someone who is betraying someone else to that degree...well, they cant do it alone.

 

The single affair partner is comfortable with infidelity. Comfortable with being an unknown cancer in someone else's life.

 

I only blamed my H for cheating. OW who knew he was my H crossed a whole bunch of other lines.

Whether she was a cheater or not never occurred to me.

[Woggle]

No it is not cheating but it still not good. I very rarely see any good come out of it.

[MizFit]

Sure, the only one that is betraying someone they love in an affair is the married person. But to be involved with someone who is betraying someone else to that degree...well, they cant do it alone.

 

The single affair partner is comfortable with infidelity. Comfortable with being an unknown cancer in someone else's life.

 

I only blamed my H for cheating. OW who knew he was my H crossed a whole bunch of other lines.

Whether she was a cheater or not never occurred to me.

 

The unknown cancer in a BS life is the WS...I know I've said this in the past, but I'll put it out again-if a WS is using porn sites, having a series of ONS, or hiring prostitutes they are cheating on the BS and the cancer is there. It makes no difference if there is 1 OW or 75 ONS...the WS is cheating and the WS is doing the damage to the M.

 

I know people don't agree with me and that's absolutely fine...we all have opinions and if I didn't have a history of being a BS then I'd say I don't have a clue what I'm talking about, but I do. I know the hurt a WS rains down on you when they cheat...I know the heartache...I know the fear of leaving...I know the loneliness you're wrapped up in. Not one bit of it came from the OW...every stitch of my misery was a gift from my WS.

[2sure]

When I was OW I never really considered the MM's wife as part of my relationship with him. So, i had no trouble living with myself.

 

More recently, being a BS I realize that a marriage is a unit - you dont get one without the other. Not really and not even if each party in the triangle wishes it so.

 

In your case the BS knows about you. Quite often, the BS only knows that something is wrong but doesnt know what.

[Owl]

As a previous BH, I'd say that OM in my situation wasn't a cheater...

 

...but he was a lying ass without morals, scruples, or honor.

 

He knew full well that we were married. Made an intentional effort to befriend me so that he could justify spending more and more time online with my wife. He knew that we were going through a period of stress in our marriage, and rather than take any effort to talk with me (supposed friend) he deliberately and intentionally took advantage of that information and used it to widen the gap between my wife and I so that he could worm his way in.

 

He didn't cheat...but he most certainly took advantage of the situation as he saw it.

 

He absolutely contributed to the development of the emotional affair and encouraged my wife in the potential destruction of our marriage and our family...all the while posing as a 'friend' to boot.

 

In my mind, the OW/OM aren't 'cheaters'...but neither are their actions in participating in the affair in any way morally acceptable or honorable.

 

Sorry if this is harsh, but this thread is asking for opinions, not support.

 

I wanted to add that while all of the above is true...it also in no way negates the pain and suffering they go through at the end of the affair, just like anyone else.

[MizFit]

As a previous BH, I'd say that OM in my situation wasn't a cheater...

 

...but he was a lying ass without morals, scruples, or honor.

 

He knew full well that we were married. Made an intentional effort to befriend me so that he could justify spending more and more time online with my wife. He knew that we were going through a period of stress in our marriage, and rather than take any effort to talk with me (supposed friend) he deliberately and intentionally took advantage of that information and used it to widen the gap between my wife and I so that he could worm his way in.

 

He didn't cheat...but he most certainly took advantage of the situation as he saw it.

 

He absolutely contributed to the development of the emotional affair and encouraged my wife in the potential destruction of our marriage and our family...all the while posing as a 'friend' to boot.

 

In my mind, the OW/OM aren't 'cheaters'...but neither are their actions in participating in the affair in any way morally acceptable or honorable.

 

Sorry if this is harsh, but this thread is asking for opinions, not support.

 

I wanted to add that while all of the above is true...it also in no way negates the pain and suffering they go through at the end of the affair, just like anyone else.

 

I agree the OM in your situation was lower than low...I think when someone knowingly puruses or schemes to get a married person into a relationship they are reprehensible. If the WS pursues and has basically made up their mind an A is going to happen then I see it as totally 1 sided for the responsibility department...my view.

 

It's not harsh...it's your opinion.

 

You say it's not honorable and I agree, but then again I see honorable as something exceptionally noteworthy. Saving a life...helping after a natural disaster...volunteering with abused children. I don't see a relationship as being honorable or not.

 

I also think that your moral code tells you one thing and mine tells me another. Again, it's fine...this is a thread for opinions. You won't change my moral code and I won't change yours.

 

Just for the record I do consider what he is doing as a WS completely dishonorable and morally wrong. I understand his reasons and I respect the fact he's never lied to me about any of it, but I still think he's wrong for how he's gone about it. I don't think it makes him a bad person overall and it doesn't make me love him less.

[Mombot]

Yes, I was interested in what other people's opinions were. Am new to this whole thing.