If you are single, and he is married, are you a cheater?

[pollyanna22]

It's not about being a cheater, but a good person, karma works in weird ways..forget it...find someone who is available.

[MizFit]

It's not about being a cheater, but a good person, karma works in weird ways..forget it...find someone who is available.

 

I'm not a big believer in Karma...if I were then the first question I would ask is what did the BS ever do to deserve someone who cheated on them?

 

There are a whole lot of people who have done horrible and evil things to many, many people and they've had no payback from Lady Karma...there are many people who have done the world and everyone on it a favor just by existing and they've been trodden on my Lady Karma's slippers over and over. I don't see a Karma connection in general. If there were then it'd be the WS who would get it between the eyes.

 

If a WS pursues someone they are making themselves available. It depends on what you want in your life. I've actually dated men who were single and workaholics that I see less than MM...I knew from the start I wouldn't have them as long term partners either.

[OWoman]

I'm not a big believer in Karma...if I were then the first question I would ask is what did the BS ever do to deserve someone who cheated on them?

 

In the case of my H's xW, that's an easy one to answer!!

 

But to return to the OP - why does it matter?

 

If you are not comfortable with the whole notion of infidelity, then an A will nt feel "right" to you whether you are BS, WS or OW/OM. You will always want some resolution which ends the A - whether in D, in reconciliation or in any other permutation. An A is not long-term sustainable for someone who respects the sanctity of M.

 

OTOH, if you have a more relativistic or even anarchic view of M, then your OWN morals matter, rather than those of arb others (including pseudonymous strangers on an internet forum). If YOU consider it OK to break vows - whether your own, directly, or those of another, indirectly - in certain circumstances, or in the case of ANY M, or whatever - then you'd have no issue with being in an A, whatever your role.

 

If you consider it OK to consort with someone else who was breaking his vows, so long as you yourself didn't have to break any of your own, then you'd also be OK with your relativist position.

 

If you are secure enough in your own moral code, and your behaviour is consistent within that, then you'd have no moral dissonance. But if you're asking questions to try to position yourself on a scale of culpability, then, chances are you're not entirely comfortable and either your beliefs need reformulating or your behaviour needs adjustment in line with your beliefs.

[Dexter Morgan]

Is it the MM that's the cheater/ If you are single, would you be a cheater too?

 

no, someone who is single and knowingly screwing around with someone married, that makes the single person something else.....just not a cheater.

[Dexter Morgan]

Actually. I didn't know he was married. We had been friends for 3 years before we ever went out.

 

So for 3 years you were friends and didn't know he was married?

 

 

So lets say this is true, now you know right. Let me guess...you are still sleeping with him

[Dexter Morgan]

How can you be friends for 3 years and not know his marital status?

 

I'm hearing nothing but crickets

[Mombot]

I enjoy his company and the sex is really great. But have not slept with him since he told me he was not divorced, but separated.

[2long]

Is it the MM that's the cheater/ If you are single, would you be a cheater too?

 

Yes, of course.

 

-ol' 2long

[MizFit]

Yes, of course.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Really? Who exactly is it I'm cheating on?

[sally4sara]

Is it the MM that's the cheater/ If you are single, would you be a cheater too?

 

I would say yes. You may not be the one breaking a vow, but you are the one taking up the time the married person could use to resolve the marriage by either leaving or working to fix it.

You are the thing the married person lies about. You are the thing that threatens the security of their home.

That the married person is also playing there part in these things does not change your role in it. You could say that if it were not you, it might be someone else - I call that a cop out. A drug dealer could also reason that if they didn't sell their drugs, someone else might, but it doesn't make them less of a drug dealer.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I’d feel like one.

 

Especially when you consider that the very definition of the word means to deceive by trickery for one’s own gain; to swindle and mislead; to elude, avoid and escape detection, and to deliberately act dishonestly towards another.

 

As long as I was a willing accomplice to the fraud being perpetuated over someone else, then I would also consider myself by definition a “cheater” since it involves all of the above whether it be my own partner or someone else’s.

 

For some reason, when it comes to myself and others, I'm completely unable to separate the two.

[2long]

Really? Who exactly is it I'm cheating on?

 

His family.

 

-ol' 2long

[Dexter Morgan]

I enjoy his company and the sex is really great. But have not slept with him since he told me he was not divorced, but separated.

 

oh, but you were sleeping with him when you knew he was married...and the fact he may have told you he was getting a divorce made it okay?

 

so basically you are boffing a cheater and wanting him to be divorced. why? so you can date a divorced cheater?

 

I'm looking at this all wrong. I need to become a cheater.

 

And something tells me you aint gonna enjoy his company much when he ends up cheating ON you. Or maybe it won't matter and he'll have you wrapped around his finger.

[MizFit]

His family.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I tend to disagree with you...he is the one cheating on his family.

[donnamaybe]

I’d feel like one.

 

Especially when you consider that the very definition of the word means to deceive by trickery for one’s own gain; to swindle and mislead; to elude, avoid and escape detection, and to deliberately act dishonestly towards another.

 

As long as I was a willing accomplice to the fraud being perpetuated over someone else, then I would also consider myself by definition a “cheater” since it involves all of the above whether it be my own partner or someone else’s.

 

For some reason, when it comes to myself and others, I'm completely unable to separate the two.

This makes really good sense.

[MizFit]

I would say yes. You may not be the one breaking a vow, but you are the one taking up the time the married person could use to resolve the marriage by either leaving or working to fix it.

You are the thing the married person lies about. You are the thing that threatens the security of their home.

That the married person is also playing there part in these things does not change your role in it. You could say that if it were not you, it might be someone else - I call that a cop out. A drug dealer could also reason that if they didn't sell their drugs, someone else might, but it doesn't make them less of a drug dealer.

 

The WS is the one who is making a decision to be away from his family...it may be in playing too much golf, training too much for athletic competitions, an affair. I am not the person who sought to have an affair and not work on what was wrong with my relationship...he was. The OW/OM is insignificant in an A...that is my opinion. A WS can be unfaithful using prostitutes, having a series of 1 night stands, or even porn on the net. The infidelity is coming from the WS and no one else.

 

I was a BS...the OW had nothing to do with his infidelity...the choices were his and so were the consequences.

[MizFit]

I’d feel like one.

 

Especially when you consider that the very definition of the word means to deceive by trickery for one’s own gain; to swindle and mislead; to elude, avoid and escape detection, and to deliberately act dishonestly towards another.

 

As long as I was a willing accomplice to the fraud being perpetuated over someone else, then I would also consider myself by definition a “cheater” since it involves all of the above whether it be my own partner or someone else’s.

 

For some reason, when it comes to myself and others, I'm completely unable to separate the two.

 

So...if your best friend was cheating on their spouse...a spouse you had never met...would you tell the spouse or would you be a cheat?

 

Your relationship would be with the best friend and not the spouse. Your connection and loyalty would be to the relationship you had with your best friend. If you took the decision to not tell their spouse would that make you a cheat?

 

I would have no problem going to my MMs W and speaking to her about it, but the relationship I have is with him, not her. She and I have had discussions after Ddays and I told her the truth about everything she asked me about. She has my mobile number, my home address and my email address. I will not go to her because my relationship is with him...I, however, will not avoid speaking to her if she seeks me out. I have no relationship with her...he is cheating on her. I'm single and I'm cheating on no one. If my best friend was cheating on her H and I was asked not to tell him then I wouldn't...however I would tell him the truth if he approached me.

[2long]

I tend to disagree with you...he is the one cheating on his family.

 

This is blame-shifting. You are solely responsible for having an affair with a married man. He is obviously directly responsible for cheating on his wife, but you're a co-conspirator by willfully participating in the affair.

 

Do you have morals? What are your beliefs about personal integrity? Do you have empathy for what others are going through? Do you think about what you're doing 2 his family by cheating with their father/husband?

 

-ol' 2long.

[donnamaybe]

So...if your best friend was cheating on their spouse...a spouse you had never met...would you tell the spouse or would you be a cheat?

 

I would tell her spouse and then dump her as a friend.

[MizFit]

This is blame-shifting. You are solely responsible for having an affair with a married man. He is obviously directly responsible for cheating on his wife, but you're a co-conspirator by willfully participating in the affair.

 

Do you have morals? What are your beliefs about personal integrity? Do you have empathy for what others are going through? Do you think about what you're doing 2 his family by cheating with their father/husband?

 

-ol' 2long.

 

That's your opinion and you're completely welcome to it. My opinion is this...anyone who doesn't give every scrid of the blame to the WS is blame shifting. The blame lies entirely at their feet.

 

My morals, my integrity, my ability to empathize, and my conscience about my role in the A are all fine...I thank you for your concern though. I have a very clear, black and white view of infidelity drawn from years of seeing my father be unfaithful to my mother and from being a BS myself. The OW didn't matter. The action that hurt the family was that of my father and then that of my H. It could have been anyone, anywhere, anytime...it did not matter. The cheating was done by the WS and not the OW. I personally knew the OW that was involved with my H and it didn't matter...the action that crushed me was that he cheated. I could not have cared less who it was with...I feel the same being the OW. The action of cheating is done by the WS, not the OW.

 

My opinion and view is not popular here and I have no issue with that...we all believe what we believe. You won't change me and I won't change you.

[donnamaybe]

Saying the AP has absolutely no blame whatsoever in an affair is silly. That's like saying if someone accidentally forgets, oh, let's say a nice digital camera laying on a park bench and someone comes along and finds it, they have absolutely no culpability if they just rub their hands together with delight at their find and take it home without going to the police and/or taking out an ad to make an effort to find the rightful owner. THEY aren't the one who left it, after all. It's not THEIR fault.

[MizFit]

Saying the AP has absolutely no blame whatsoever in an affair is silly. That's like saying if someone accidentally forgets, oh, let's say a nice digital camera laying on a park bench and someone comes along and finds it, they have absolutely no culpability if they just rub their hands together with delight at their find and take it home without going to the police and/or taking out an ad to make an effort to find the rightful owner. THEY aren't the one who left it, after all. It's not THEIR fault.

 

Sorry donnamaybe, but that is just plain silly. A camera doesn't actively seek out someone to take it home...it's set there and has no will and no control as to what it's doing. A person who is looking to have an A is making a conscious effort to cheat on their S. They are not idly sitting there waiting to be taken away.

[Lizzie60]

I don't have the feeling I'm cheating.. and in most cases, I don't even have the feeling my MMs are cheating.

 

They are cheated .. because their Ws are withholding sex.. or simply have no libido.. period... same as a lot of LSers' husbands..

 

PLUS... I couldn't care less what other people think... I'm comfortable with what I'm doing.. I am not hurting anyone.. I have never put a gun to their head... never forced anyone.. so..............................

 

It's MY life..

[2long]

That's your opinion and you're completely welcome to it. My opinion is this...anyone who doesn't give every scrid of the blame to the WS is blame shifting. The blame lies entirely at their feet.

 

Truly, we'd all be a whole lot happier if we'd stop needing 2 blame anybody for our own miseries and simply take responsibility for our own choices, good or bad. So, if his W finds out about the affair and kills her H, their kids, and then herself, it's not your fault, is it? An extreme example, of course, but things like that do happen. You aren't responsible for her horrible reaction, but you are responsible for what led her 2 make such a choice. And if you could live with yourself after something like that (and if you are truly a fBS, you know that the pain of d-day is very intense), then you're not someone I ever want 2 run in2 in a dark alley.

 

My morals, my integrity, my ability to empathize, and my conscience about my role in the A are all fine...I thank you for your concern though.

 

In your view, I'm sure they are. But it isn't your view that concerns me. It's the BW's. And empathizing with her based on my own experience as a BS, I'd bet large sums of other peoples' cash that that she'll believe that your moral compass is broken.

 

I have a very clear, black and white view of infidelity drawn from years of seeing my father be unfaithful to my mother and from being a BS myself. The OW didn't matter.

 

So, you grew up in a very dysfunctional family, with a father incapable of teaching real values, and a mother who couldn't stand up for herself and her kids and say "no more" 2 her H's philandering?

 

I agree, the OP doesn't matter, it's the actions of the family member/WS that matters (initially), though even2ally most BSs realize it's their own emotional well-being that's all that matters.

 

The action that hurt the family was that of my father and then that of my H. It could have been anyone, anywhere, anytime...it did not matter. The cheating was done by the WS and not the OW. I personally knew the OW that was involved with my H and it didn't matter...the action that crushed me was that he cheated. I could not have cared less who it was with...I feel the same being the OW. The action of cheating is done by the WS, not the OW.

 

This construct of rationalization seems fragile 2 me.

 

My opinion and view is not popular here and I have no issue with that...we all believe what we believe. You won't change me and I won't change you.

 

Well, I've been working for over 8 years on not being so personally affected by what I read from waywards' keyboards. There are all kinds of reasons that people have affairs, but no real justifications. It'll never make sense 2 me why someone would have an affair with married person when there are plenty of unattached singles on this planet. When I read stories like yours, I try 2 understand why the teller chooses 2 live the way they do. In the end, it may have 2 suffice that I am simply more aware now that a large percentage of the population falls prey 2 their own weaknesses and temptations and gets involved with someone who's already in a committed relationship.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

A person who is looking to have an A is making a conscious effort to cheat on their S. They are not idly sitting there waiting to be taken away.

 

And the person who has an affair with the cheater is making a similar conscious effort, and is not idly sitting there waiting 2 be taken away.

 

-ol' 2long