deanduhamel Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 More than 10 months ago my wife began sleeping on the sofa. It started gradually with her going to bed after I fell asleep, and then moved on to her sleeping on the sofa. She told me flat out that she didn't want me making advances towards her, and that when I touched her it made her uncomfortable. Soon after that her wedding ring came off and she began going out night and stayed out until 3 or 4 in the morning. While innocently getting change out of her change purse to purchase her a coffee I found condoms. I never accused her of cheating on me or mentioned what I found. I did however tell her that I took some change out of her change purse. She Immediately came back at me with "How could I accuse her of cheating on me". Along with the changes in sleeping and intimacy came the appearance changes. Changes in underwear, shaving off of her pubic hair, makeup and dress, and the phone calls that hang up when I answer plus my finding phone numbers belonging to other men. She still denies any infidelity on her part. But there are too many signs. What bothers me most is that she thinks I'm stupid and that she's pulling this off, and I'm being eaten up inside with the need to know who she was cheating on me with. Does any have any advice on how to cope with this? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I think it's totally natural to want to know WHO it was/is. I would certainly want to know. I have no idea why though.....since it doesn't change the end result. Do you plan to continue 'overlooking' it or confront her about it???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author deanduhamel Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 Hi Arabess, She has actually in the last week abandoned myself and our 2year old son and has run off to California to be with another man that she knows out there. The divorce process has begun and I currently have sole custody of our child. I know that knowing who doesn't change anything, but I'm really hurt and upset. Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Are you upset because she cheated and left you or are you upset over your damaged ego that you weren't good enough for her? The reason you want to meet this guy is to see what he has that you don't have. I have been through this type of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Of course you are hurt and upset.....and have every right to be. The upside on YOUR story is that you have your child. Most guys don't even get that. You need to see an attorney as soon as possible though to get some sort of 'legal separation custody rights'. You owe it to the child. As far as who she is seeing, it may always remain a mystery. One always wonders what and who they've been dumped for. The bottom line is....she did all this for herself. If she isn't committed to her own baby.....what can you really expect as far as her being committed to you? Leaving her BABY for some guy ...doesn't show much quality on HER part! In my opinion, that's about as low as a woman can get. I don't know that you've lost much of anything.....but some pride. Fight for your CHILD....and try to get on with your life. Pain is fleeting......your child will need you forever though. I wanted want her coming back to take the baby on a whim. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deanduhamel Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 I'm actually glad she's gone. I want to know what kind of person would contribute to the breakup of this family and confront him about the damage that he helped to inflict on an innocent child. My son will grow up not knowing his mother, It's going to be a problem. It's not fair to him. That's what I'm hurt and angry about. What do I tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Originally posted by deanduhamel I want to know what kind of person would contribute to the breakup of this family and confront him about the damage that he helped to inflict on an innocent child. I don't think he cares about your kid....just your wife. And besides she cheated on you, she will probably cheat on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Leaving her BABY for some guy ...doesn't show much quality on HER part! In my opinion, that's about as low as a woman can get. I don't know that you've lost much of anything..... I'll echo that! I want to know what kind of person would contribute to the breakup of this family and confront him about the damage that he helped to inflict on an innocent child. As angry as you are - this guy was an after-the-fact contributor. Your ex made the decision to cheat and abandon you and your child. Confronting him will not do anything for anyone. It accomplishes nothing. It is a natural response though and I would feel/react the same way you are. Just remember that it doesn't matter what kind of person this is, or if he knows or cares about his involvement. My son will grow up not knowing his mother, It's going to be a problem. It's not fair to him. That's what I'm hurt and angry about. What do I tell him? Sadly life is never how we want it. It won't be a problem for him if you don't let it become one. Do you have any female relatives that can help you establish a routine? You just tell him that mommy had to go away and you don't know when she's coming back. Don't bad mouth her to him. If he asks if mommy doesn't love him - assure him that mommy does indeed love him. Hug him. Love him. Make sure he eats right and does his chores and has time to play with his friends. Sit with him when's he's sick and read to him at night. In other words, just be there for him. Kids really are resilient in the face of circumstances that bring adults to our knees. I'm sorry guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Oh, man... I know partially at least how you feel. But trust me, knowing/seeing/talking to the guy is way over-rated - at least in my imagination it was. I didn't accomplish anything. You certainly won't convince HIM of anything. And... giving him the ass-beating that he so richly deserves is a VERY BAD IDEA. He will get his from karma somewhere down the line, and you keep the moral high ground. My first marriage broke up over that. (the marriage itself was ill-advised: I was 19 at the time. I honestly think we were just too young.) Looking back, I think she was in love with being in love, she liked that rush that comes with it. We were married for seven years, and she was looking for it elsewhere. Seems like forever ago now . But I had the "satisfaction" of confronting him. The "Who do you think you are" conversation and all. It was absolutely pointless. I even saw that then. Haven't spoken to her in 12 yrs. They are still married, though. Yes, she married the guy - 30 days after the divorce of ours was final... guess that makes it 14 yrs for them now. Bottom line for you is: IT WAS NOT YOU. Don't try to find what is missing in you by meeting/seeing/knowing who he is. Peace, and good luck Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 When my husband cheated on me I had to know who it was with. If I hadn't known, I would have forever been thinking it was any woman I came in contact with. Who wants to go through life wondering if the person you are talking to was "THE ONE!" I went to great pains to find out who it was.. Some probably illegal. Did I do anything about it other then to check occasionally to make sure his car was not parked at her place.. NO I found out who she was, read all the e mails that were between them, found out her address, her phone number and even found out about a joint account they had together. All without hiring an investigator. My intentions were never to do harm to her but only to protect my children from her influence and later after we reconciled, to make sure she never sets foot in our lives again. I am truly sorry that your situtation worked out the way it did, but doing harm to the OM is not going to help you or your children. Good luck TheFaithfulWife Link to post Share on other sites
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