Can't stand the emotional and physical neglect anymore....

[Gunny376]

OK! Let me break it down for you!

 

First sex!

 

There are heterosexual people, bi-sexual people, homosexual people and then you've got you asexual people (People who don't care about sex one way or the other ~ which is what it sounds like your married to)

 

Then you've got gender? You've got heterosexuals males and females that wish they could've, would've been born of the opposite sex, You've got bi-bisexuals of the same inkling. and you've got homosexuals of the same.

 

And if not? Then they wish they wish to "present" themselves as such.

 

Then you've got your transsexuals.

 

Then you've got men that aren't women ~ women that aren't men. (Tom Boys ~ and lesser recognized so-called "Jane Girls"

 

Then you've got men that don't understand nor comprehend women ~ nor women that comprehend men.

 

The mathematical permutations I've got worked down to about 16 ~ which is 1X2X3X4X5X6X7X8X9X10X11X12X13X14X15X16 which equals about a trillion + different combinations? (Which is why your credit/debit card number is sixteen digits long)

 

With that said ~ factoring out sex? Your not getting your emotional needs meet.

 

Granted part of having your emotional needs meet ~ include having your sexual needs meet?

 

As a woman ~ generally speaking ~ you've got to have your emotional needs meet before you can satisfy your physical and sexual needs meet.

 

Simply said ~ you must feel emotionally connected, wanted, needed, desired ~ before you can connect sexually ~ which is not to say you cannot have "raw" sex to simply satisfy your limbo?

 

But it will not fulfill any and all of your needs to fill wanted, needed, connected, desired as a woman, a person, as an individual?

 

The fact of the matter it is? A lot men view women as VLSS (Vaginal Life Support Systems ~ or Sperm Depositories)

 

All the while failing to see that women are some of the most caring, giving, cherishing, loving of all human beings.

 

The "Trick" is "curring" out the blood-sucking, parasitic, using, abusing "ho" from the decent one's that's worth marrying!

[Nutmeg617]

Hi, all. I am resurrecting this thread after a year. I've posted a couple of more recent things, but this one is the meat of my story. I'm back because I want to bring things up to date, and because I'm still in need of support and feedback. Thank you to anyone who has read this far.

 

I'm still here. Still in this house, still miserable, still trying to find my way out. But I'm getting very near the end. My H and I are now living quite separately, mainly only communicating when our son is around. We had a recent talk in which we decided the time has come to split up. It finally felt like a mutual decision, which I've been trying for for some time now. I've known forever that he doesn't love me anymore, and that's ok because I don't love him either. But he hasn't been willing to let go because he thinks it's going to royally f#!k up our son the way his parents divorce f#!ked him up. We agreed that I would work on finding a new place to live, and that since he makes 3x more money than me he would be willing to help me financially for our son's sake until I find a better paying job (I was a SAHM until my H lost his job and then I found a very low-paying job to help support our family and despite trying to find something better have not yet been able to). This seemed like a very reasonable agreement, and we even hugged at the end and apologized to each other for dragging each other through the ***** over the last several years. I was at peace with it.

 

Yesterday I come into the kitchen to see a brand new iPad that he told me his work was sending to him. He "accidentally" put his name on the list to be sent one, and he said he had to pay for it, but at a reduced price, and he wanted to sell it to the neighbor guy that he smokes pot with almost every night. So I see him playing with it and I ask him when he's going to sell it to pothead neighbor. He tells me that he's not sure he wants to sell it now, he may just keep it for himself. This pisses me right off, as we are still struggling to make ends meet, and this stupid toy is sitting on the counter next to a brand new iPhone and a MacBook Pro. So he basically has three of the same thing lined up next to each other. I tell him he doesn't need this thing, and he proceeds to tell me that I didn't need the new pair of jeans I just bought either. I have lost some weight recently, and my jeans no longer fit me. I hardly see the comparison between a $400 peice of technology and an article of clothing. The conversation escalates and ends up with him telling me that we should split our bank accounts (fine, we need to do that anyway when I move out) and if I need money I can ask him for it. He then tells me he has been rethinking helping me support our son financially when I move out because he doesn't want to be supporting me. I try to explain to him that the money isn't for me. The little bit that I make will cover my own bills and food and such, but until I get a better job I can't cover everything that our son needs when he's with me. My H knows that I can't leave unless I know that our son is going to have the same quality of life in each home that he lives in. I was hysterical at the end of this fight, because it seemed like he was just finding another way to trap me in this house. I was feeling so positive about our situation the past couple of weeks, finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel because I thought with his financial assistance I could really make this work, and work towards supporting myself completely ASAP. Then he pulls it right out from under me and I come spiraling back down into my prison cell.

 

I am meeting with my dad for lunch today, and after my hysterical phone call to him yesterday after this fight I think my parents are finally seeing how badly I need out of this environment for my own health and sanity. And I worry so much about my son living this way too. He's 3 now, and he is no dummy. He sees it and feels it, and it's not ok with me. I've consulted with a lawyer and I understand what I need to do to proceed with this, I just want to get out of this house already! My parents have told me in past conversations that I can't move back in with them, mostly because they just went through all of this a year or so ago with both of my brothers at the same time splitting up their relationships and moving back in with Mom and Dad, and they don't want to have to do it again. I know it was especially hard on my mom emotionally. While I hate to put them through all of that, I'm over here drowning and I need a little help! I'm hoping that this lunch with my dad today will revolve around figuring out where I can live while I get back on my feet.

 

This sucks so much, I wish I would have left here the day after I wrote this thread a year ago. It's only gotten worse, and it's never going to get better. At least not with him. I am so ready to start over!!

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry to see everything became stagnant.

 

Please go back over the thread, and see what people advised:

 

particularly (if I may be so bold) the bit where I advised never making any decisions based on an emotional impulse, but basing decisions on logic, sound reasoning and legal entitlement.

if you try to make decisions when your head is in emotional turmoil, you are 100% going to make the wrong decision, for the right reasons.

if you amke decisions when your head is in a calm, rational state, you are 100% going to make well-grounded, informed, sensible and right decisions, for the right reasons.

 

Bear in mind one vital piece of information.

The Law cannot always deal with what is morally right.

They can only deal with what happens in Law, what has passed in Law and what is written in Law.

Moral indignation will get you nowhere, and the Law is not written and implemented for the individual, but has been formulated for the public good.

 

Be strong.

we're still here, even after a year (!) and still looking out for you - if not practically, then definitely as a sounding board.

[fencesitter]

Hi Nutmeg. I found this thread today and have been reading with much interest. Sounds like we are in sort of parallel marriages, though *I* am the one that doesn't want sex with my husband. (I'm not asexual, just totally turned off by events of the past ).

 

I wanted to mention that abuse of pot in particular contributes to depression, if not causing it. The other way around, depressed people sometimes try to self-medicate with substances. In any case, it is not conducive to a happy, healthy self or relationship. I know because I used to smoke regularly and it truly sapped my life force. In my experience, unless his drug use is dealt with, there is no point in trying to reconcile the other issues you mention.

 

This may be a moot point for you by now. I am sorry he is making things difficult and that you don't have a plan firmed up to leave. I understand how this uncertainty can wreck a person.

 

What I am sure of is that when we are on the best path for our lives, doors open up that weren't there previously. To take that first leap into the unknown is pants-pooping scary...so many are too fearful to do it and cling to any shred of comfort and familiarity they have. This is where I am. And I am weary of being here. You?

 

You have a little one to look after and consider. I will say as the child of divorced parents, their split probably saved my life.

 

Maybe it is a naive idealistic thought, but I don't believe the world will allow a single mom to fall flat on her face. Up for an adventure? Find a new town with cheap rents and more job opportunities. Sell stuff on ebay. Show your son how to live, not how to struggle and suffer through.

 

Good luck...look forward to reading how happy and peaceful you feel in a few months.

[Nutmeg617]

Thank you both. It's been such a long time, I wasn't sure if anyone would respond .

 

TaraMaiden, you're right about the emotional reactions, and I'm trying my best to keep level-headed in my decisions. My H does have a pot addiction, and when he doesn't have it he's admitted that it's all he thinks about and he turns into a monster on attack mode. I'm sure he uses it as an escape, as he's also admitted to me that he can't deal with any issues that seem too challenging. He prefers to ignore anything that he feels he can't "win". When he does go into attack mode is when my blood starts to boil. He is hateful, manipulative, and blaming. He gaslights and twists my words into unrecognizable scenarious. I have a short fuse, and he loves the power he gets from seeing me emotionally lose it. I am working hard at keeping this in check.

 

The IC I (surprisingly) talked him into seeing seemed to think he was only borderline depressed, and told my H that any depression he may have is circumstantial (ie: my fault). He stopped going because he decided he didn't have a problem. I think that was a big mistake. But I only think that because I think he has some real issues he needs to continue to work on for himself, so that he can be succesfull in life. I am beyond the point of wanting to work on things. Any effort made on his part is too little, too late.

 

We've been doing a LC thing for the past couple of weeks, much to my relief. We still live under the same roof for financial reasons, and I am trying very hard to get myself out of here. We didn't speak about going LC, but it's become a natural thing and I am enjoying the peace and space. It does feel weird, though. I find myself texting/calling random friends just so I have someone to bounce my day off of. I hope I'm not annoying them too much! The other night he really surprised me. I work evenings a lot, and I occassionally will go out after work with co-workers and I generally let him know that I'm doing that. Last week, though, I went out and just decided not to let him know. I don't know why, I just figured we're essentially living separate lives, so it's none of his business what I'm doing. I didn't stay out too late, I rolled in around 12:30am, and when I got home my garage door opener wouldn't work (he disconnected it). He was waiting at the front door pissed as hell asking where had I been, who had I been with, and demanded to see my phone (which I handed over). It was the strangest reaction, he has never been jealous or suspicious in our entire relationship. I was so annoyed with him! I just explained where I was, who I was with, and that I didn't feel like telling him what I was doing. And then I went to bed. He texted me with this apology about feeling insecure and what-not. I ignored it and went to sleep. Normally this would have gotten my all riled up, but I just didn't give a ****.

 

Fencesitter, yes, I am weary of being here. The familiarity is definitely holding me back, but I'm slowly but surely unfamiliarizing myself with this life I'm living. Which hopefully will eventually ease me into a new life. At any rate, this fencepost up my ass is getting uncomfortable, how about you??!

[The Great Gazoo]

It he not beating your teeth out, standing on your self-esteem, rapin and sleeping with the whole world, it can be fixed. Yet the work has to come from a healthy person, with a healthy mind and soul. You are offended and tempted at this point.

 

 

This, so this.

[cmh2002]

Keep being strong you can get out! Just stay focused on yourself and your son like your trying to do now. If you file for divorce you should be able to get child support and since he makes 3x as much as you I would think alimony..good luck!

[UntoldStory]

Nutmeg, just wanted to say I'm feelin' you! I've been through (am still on) a similarly looooooonnnnnnngggg journey. It feels like 2 steps forward, one step back. But, as my friends and family have constantly reminded me -- if you ever need proof that you're making progress, look back at where you were 12 months ago. You'll be amazed at the view.

[fencesitter]

My H does have a pot addiction, and when he doesn't have it he's admitted that it's all he thinks about and he turns into a monster on attack mode. I'm sure he uses it as an escape, as he's also admitted to me that he can't deal with any issues that seem too challenging.

 

People say pot isn't addictive, but it sure was for me. I had terrible physical withdrawals- night sweats, insomnia, no appetite- and emotional ones, too. I felt a generalized sense of rage. Basically all the opposite effects of being under the influence. It was terrifying. But it does pass. And once I was clean for a while, I noticed how warped my thinking had been when I was smoking. It certainly does numb you out...and when you quit, all that emotional junk you've been denying comes out. I really don't see how an addict of any sort can maintain a healthy relationship with themselves, much less anyone else.

 

I have a short fuse, and he loves the power he gets from seeing me emotionally lose it. I am working hard at keeping this in check.

 

A longer fuse will serve you well. I downloaded some guided meditations on iTunes and have found a huge difference in my peace of mind and inner stability since I've been listening to them. I didn't realise how hard it would be to just breathe! Anyway, I dearly recommend that, or yoga, or something where you can learn to control the runaway train in your mind for a few minutes a day.

 

 

The IC I (surprisingly) talked him into seeing seemed to think he was only borderline depressed, and told my H that any depression he may have is circumstantial (ie: my fault). He stopped going because he decided he didn't have a problem. I think that was a big mistake. But I only think that because I think he has some real issues he needs to continue to work on for himself, so that he can be succesfull in life. I am beyond the point of wanting to work on things. Any effort made on his part is too little, too late.

 

I am there, too. Just exhausted from constantly worrying and obsessing about marriage problems. It's BORING. And unhelpful. Effort is better spent fixing my own *****. My H isn't doing the inner work he should be doing, either. I am certain 2 unhealthy, un"treated" people can't have a successful relationship...and I'm sure one who is working on their "stuff" and one who isn't, won't have a successful one, either. All you can do is your part.

 

 

 

Fencesitter, yes, I am weary of being here. The familiarity is definitely holding me back, but I'm slowly but surely unfamiliarizing myself with this life I'm living. Which hopefully will eventually ease me into a new life. At any rate, this fencepost up my ass is getting uncomfortable, how about you??!

 

Yes. I am working on disengagement, slowly but surely. It is hard. Ya know, if my H would cop up to his issues and take even baby steps towards a healthier self, I would be right there beside him every step of the way. I do want to be married forever. But I need a husband first.

Edited May 10, 2011 by fencesitter

[UntoldStory]

I do want to be married forever. But I need a husband first.

 

So very well said.

 

In all honesty, STBXH *is* working on his stuff. Feverishly. But he is unfortunately so wrapped up in his own stuff - navel gazing, essentially - that he will never SEE me. Again in all honesty - he is a more damaged individual than most. And I will be there for him always as a sounding board, and always as a coparent - but I am done being a wife/mother to him. I have 2 kids and a dog. That's all I can handle as dependents. I know my limits.

[Nutmeg617]

Is this stage supposed to be such an emotional roller coaster? The stage I'm in being trying to detach more and move toward independence. Am I supposed to be constantly questioning myself and my feelings? We're living pretty separately now, but still under the same roof. We mainly only talk when our son is around, and then we retire to our designated areas for the remainder of the night. I'm loving the peace and the space, but at the same time I miss the companionship. I don't think it's him that I miss, because when he is around even when we're being cooperative he just annoys the crap out of me. Maybe I'm just accustomed to coming home and having someone to talk to, even if he hardly ever really listened to me. I guess I'm just starting to feel lonely, but it's making me second-guess myself and I don't want to move backwards! I just don't know what normal is right now!

[UntoldStory]

Is this stage supposed to be such an emotional roller coaster? The stage I'm in being trying to detach more and move toward independence. Am I supposed to be constantly questioning myself and my feelings? We're living pretty separately now, but still under the same roof. We mainly only talk when our son is around, and then we retire to our designated areas for the remainder of the night. I'm loving the peace and the space, but at the same time I miss the companionship. I don't think it's him that I miss, because when he is around even when we're being cooperative he just annoys the crap out of me. Maybe I'm just accustomed to coming home and having someone to talk to, even if he hardly ever really listened to me. I guess I'm just starting to feel lonely, but it's making me second-guess myself and I don't want to move backwards! I just don't know what normal is right now!

 

NORMAL. I've been separated for 6 months. I do feel lonely sometimes. Doing most of the work raising 2 young kids and working fulltime being the sole support for the family is hard. I miss having the help around the house. But more importantly, there's really nothing else I miss.

 

When stbxh and I had the big D convo last week, I was surprised that he acted surprised that I said I was done. To me, 6 months living in separate houses without either one of us saying "I miss you, this is hard, do you want to go on a date?" is a clear indicator that the marriage is over.

 

However, even though it's clearly over, I'm still really really sad. The ending of my marriage means the ending of an era in my life - the era of still feeling like a marriage virgin, so to speak. Adding the word "divorced" to my resume doesn't feel good. Plus, it's hard on the kids. They'll be ok, because we'll be ok - but it sucks that we couldn't make it work.

[Nutmeg617]

It he not beating your teeth out, standing on your self-esteem, rapin and sleeping with the whole world, it can be fixed. Yet the work has to come from a healthy person, with a healthy mind and soul. You are offended and tempted at this point.

 

This, so this.

 

I wanted to touch on this for a moment. While I see your point, I'd just like to clarify that emotional and physical neglect is most definitely a pounding to the self-esteem. A man who refuses to touch his wife in any way, be it small displays of affection or full-on sexual intimacy creates in his wife's mind a poor self-image. It makes a woman feel less-than, unsexy, undesirable, and unloved. If that isn't standing on someone's self-esteem then I'd love to hear what is.

 

Of course I am offended. Who in their right mind would not be offended by a spouse who treats them as if they're worthless? And tempted?? Hell yes, I'm tempted. After being neglected for so long the eye tends to wander, but I'm still married so there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Before you tell me to communicate these issues to my H I will tell you that I have. Multiple times for many years. I have done nothing but be open and communicative about any marital issues we have ever had. I can't help it if it has fallen on deaf ears.

 

Sorry for all the blathering and negativity, I guess I'm in a sour and defensive mood this evening...thanks all for your continued support and understanding.

[Kariva]

I have one thing to say. Run! You are young. I have been married for 25 years to a man you describe. No sex, no affection, nothing. I wish I would have left years ago.

[Tiberius]

Are you sure he aint cheating or seeing pros?

[John Michael Kane]

Are you sure he aint cheating or seeing pros?

 

Or are both of them doing it?