"Better to marry a man who loves you more than you love him"

[donnamaybe]

Yeah, but it's also a pretty weak and misguided strategy. You can love a woman a lot, and still not be afraid to piss her off - if necessary. So, what is she gonna do if things don't go her way? Dump you? Okay...

JUST because a man loves a woman doesn't mean that he'll jump through hoops to "demonstrate" how much energy he's willing to invest into the relationship for her sake and self-gratification. The man who does that - without equal and complete reciprocation - is simply a wimp with no self respect.

I love my girlfriend very much, and I don't feel the need to engage in this stupid calculus, but if I ever begin to feel that my commitment is not 100% reciprocated, I will first bring it up, and then - if nothing changes - head for the door.

 

And THIS is one of the things I respect about my man. I don't want some butt kisser.

[donnamaybe]

Well, your choice isn't necessarily a choice every man would make. You want to go for the safe bet: The woman who is more interested in you...presumably because she's the one you think you would feel more secure and happy with. That's the criteria you fall back on in your selection. "Which one of these two women is more into me?"

 

It's not really any different from the criteria you're criticising some of the women on this board for. They're placing more importance on how the guy feels about them, than how they feel about the guy. You're indicating that you would do the same with regard to women.

 

Wellll, that's not how I read it. I think he wants a woman who will love him completely, and if the other is showing signs of not being completely invested, well - who would want that? I didn't see anything in his posts that indicated that he wants a woman who he loves less than she loves him.

[Taramere]

Wellll, that's not how I read it. I think he wants a woman who will love him completely, and if the other is showing signs of not being completely invested, well - who would want that? I didn't see anything in his posts that indicated that he wants a woman who he loves less than she loves him.

 

Here is how he expressed it:

 

Lets say I have 2 women infront of me both of which I am intrested in, one is mildy intrested in me and one is very intrested in me, I would offcourse pick the one who is most intrested in me...

 

That seems pretty clear cut to me. He's interested in two women. They're both interested in him back. One strikes him as mildly interested, the other he thinks is strongly interested. His final decision is swayed not how he feels about the women, but by how he perceives that they feel about him. It seems a very passive approach that dwells more on "how other people feel about me" than on "how I feel about other people."

[FoxMulder]

Here is how he expressed it:

 

 

 

That seems pretty clear cut to me. He's interested in two women. They're both interested in him back. One strikes him as mildly interested, the other he thinks is strongly interested. His final decision is swayed not how he feels about the women, but by how he perceives that they feel about him. It seems a very passive approach that dwells more on "how other people feel about me" than on "how I feel about other people."

 

No you misunderstand me. What I was trying to say was that why would I want to be with a woman who doesn't feel that strongly about me? I can be very much intrested in a woman but if the woman is only a little intrested in me then whats the point of pursuing a relationship with her? What I am trying to say is that I want the love to be equal and mutual, I don't want the love to be loopsided one way or another... If the woman loved me alot more then I would NOT feel comfortable either. While most women would PREFER if the man loved her alot more. I also don't want anybody to have the advantage or the upper hand in the relationship, not me or her.

 

I don't get how you can translate this to me saying I want a woman who loves me more, that is not the case.

[Taramere]

No you misunderstand me. What I was trying to say was that why would I want to be with a woman who doesn't feel that strongly about me? I can be very much intrested in a woman but if the woman is only a little intrested in me then whats the point of pursuing a relationship with her? What I am trying to say is that I want the love to be equal and mutual, I don't want the love to be loopsided one way or another... If the woman loved me alot more then I would NOT feel comfortable either. While most women would PREFER if the man loved her alot more. I also don't want anybody to have the advantage or the upper hand in the relationship, not me or her.

 

I don't get how you can translate this to me saying I want a woman who loves me more, that is not the case.

 

Well, you presented a scenario where you were interested in two women and they both reciprocated that interest...but to different degrees. In that situation, your interest is divided between two women whose company you are in.

 

Women will generally pick up that vibe and know that the man is interested in both of them. It might bring out the competitive instincts in some women, and result in others withdrawing from the situation. That often has far more to do with temperament than with the degree of interest a woman has in a particular man.

 

In that situation, by picking the woman who was showing the stronger level of interest you would certainly be selecting the most competitive of the two. Whether you would be selecting the one who had the strongest and most genuine interest in you would be a different matter.

[Maxxx]

I was going to ask my girlfriend about this last night but you know what I made up my mind that I don't want to know the truth..... fark it! If she does not love me I'll know soon enough and we will be in divorce court.. And I have made up my mind I should not read the crap on this site cause most of it just pisses me off LOL....

[donnamaybe]

Well, you presented a scenario where you were interested in two women and they both reciprocated that interest...but to different degrees. In that situation, your interest is divided between two women whose company you are in.

 

Women will generally pick up that vibe and know that the man is interested in both of them. It might bring out the competitive instincts in some women, and result in others withdrawing from the situation. That often has far more to do with temperament than with the degree of interest a woman has in a particular man.

 

In that situation, by picking the woman who was showing the stronger level of interest you would certainly be selecting the most competitive of the two. Whether you would be selecting the one who had the strongest and most genuine interest in you would be a different matter.

I don't think he'd have these women sitting side by side whereas they'd be sizing each other up. I think most adults realize that, unless there is a commitment made, there will be multiple dating going on. It never occurred to me that a guy was exclusive with me unless we agreed on that. It certainly never made me feel like I had to compete. But that's just me. I figure we either hit it off or not, and if some other girl is more compatible than I, good that they found each other.

 

I still haven't been able to find where fox has said anything about wanting a woman who loves him more than he loves her.

[carhill]

The part about the woman 'loving the most' *compared to another woman, not the OP*, as part of a selection process, might have been confusing. I'm unclear how one might go about determining that wrt 'choosing', since IME aspects of healthy love only reveal themselves over time. Unless one multi-dates and has multiple concurrent sexual partners, it seems difficult to make such a reasoned choice. Happy to learn

[CLC2008]

I think the arguement in itself, is futile.

 

All it seems to really represent is a power struggle.

[donnamaybe]

I think the arguement in itself, is futile.

 

All it seems to really represent is a power struggle.

 

Exactly, and there is absolutely NO place for that in a healthy, loving relationship.

[CLC2008]

Exactly, and there is absolutely NO place for that in a healthy, loving relationship.

 

There is no place for it, but I think a lot of people find it challenging to eliminate it altogether. It stems from childhood, and growing up.

 

And, those power struggles continue into adulthood. Sometimes a person is not willing to give their partner what they want, until and unless their needs are first met. At times, that comes from a place of mistrust. I think going into any relationship, that needs to be identified and isolated first.

 

There is always a cause and effect for everything.

[donnamaybe]

There is no place for it, but I think a lot of people find it challenging to eliminate it altogether.

 

True, true, but rather than embrace it as some seem to be doing here, shouldn't a couple at least attempt to resolve it?

[txsilkysmoothe]

I think it's impossible to gauge how much you love your partner and how much they love you. What person is likely to proclaim they love "less?"

 

Demonstration of one's love and commitment isn't necessarily reflective of its depth. Also, relationships go through phases and the partner loving the most is likely to change back and forth over time.

 

Knowing myself, I imagine if I married someone I didn't 100% love, it would only be a matter of time before I did completely love them. I'm confused as to why one would marry if they don't feel it is the real thing or doesn't feel their partner fully loves them.

 

It's not enough anymore to find someone who is the right age, single, with whom you are compatible, to whom you are attracted, etc. No, now we have to also strive to find someone who, due to their jaded and bitter views, isn't conspiring against you as they simultaneously romance you.

[CLC2008]

True, true, but rather than embrace it as some seem to be doing here, shouldn't a couple at least attempt to resolve it?

 

Of course. I guess the magic question is - how do the two people that are in a relationship together, do that successfully?

[donnamaybe]

Of course. I guess the magic question is - how do the two people that are in a relationship together, do that successfully?

 

Well, IMO, one obvious place to start would be to NOT purposely try to place yourself above your partner.

[CLC2008]

Well, IMO, one obvious place to start would be to NOT purposely try to place yourself above your partner.

 

Yes, which involves self-introspection.

[Taramere]

II still haven't been able to find where fox has said anything about wanting a woman who loves him more than he loves her.

 

As others have said, measuring love would be an impossible task - and the dynamic will change constantly between people in a relationship. The woman who says she wants a husband whose love for her exceeds her love for him is signalling what motivates her. She's motivated more, in relationships, by the desire to be loved than she is by the desire to love. I think in that respect, Fox is saying something similar. Faced with the option of two women, the deciding factor isn't "which one of the two do I feel most strongly about?" It's "which one of the two likes me best?"

 

Fox's expression of his priorities is far less provocative than that of the woman who announces "I want a husband who loves me more than I love him." On the other hand, this thread wasn't sparked off by a woman making such a statement. Fox attributed the statement to women, and various women have responded with what they see as the merits and drawbacks of the man being more into the woman than vice versa.

 

Ruby Slippers is the main female poster he's argued with on here about the issue. She contends (and I think there is a lot of truth in this) that when the man is more into the women than she is into him, things can tick along pretty nicely. When it's the woman who is more into the man, it's more likely to result in the unhappy scenario of the man feeling nagged and suffocated. Not a good situation for him, and not a good situation for the woman who nags because deep down she knows she feels unloved....and insecurity makes for a bad situation.

 

However, the above scenario is dependent on a man who has a strong ego (and, probably, sufficient interests outside the relationship that he's not overly defined by the relationship) versus a woman who tends towards insecurity. In a situation involving an insecure and possibly unstable man, the outcome of the man loving more than the woman could be very different. The man's fear of losing the woman he loves might manifest as abusive behaviour. This is the situation where the woman who feels it's better to be loved than to love might find that thinking backfiring quite badly on her.

 

I do agree that the optimal scenario is where two mentally healthy, secure individuals love eachother in fairly equal measures. However, it's probably a lot more common for people to hook up with others whose dysfunctions complement their own. So a narcissistic performer type and an introverted observer type might find some sort of happiness together - even if it's a dysfunctional type. In that situation the observer would love, and the narcissist would be loved.

 

That sort of stuff can tick along for a lifetime, so long as it's not examined too rigorously under the microscope and the one who loves doesn't start asking too many awkward questions about whether their love is reciprocated.

[jthorne]

I have seen alot of women saying this "Better to marry a man who loves you more than you love him" and similar things. But why do so many women think this way? Why is it better if the man loves the woman more? Isn't it best if both partners love each other equally much? To be honest, women who think this way seem rather selfish and not "fully" in love with their SO. I would never marry a woman if I knew she thought like that.

What I'd like to know is why all of your threads obsess upon inequality in relationships.

 

But yeah, I agree with you, a true partnership is one of equality, where both partners love each other equally. A marriage is a partnership, not a power play.

[donnamaybe]

Of course there isn't really any true measure of how much one loves. What I find distrubing, though, is that someone would seek to TRY to find an inequitable love whereby they are the one who loves less.

[FoxMulder]

As others have said, measuring love would be an impossible task - and the dynamic will change constantly between people in a relationship. The woman who says she wants a husband whose love for her exceeds her love for him is signalling what motivates her. She's motivated more, in relationships, by the desire to be loved than she is by the desire to love. I think in that respect, Fox is saying something similar. Faced with the option of two women, the deciding factor isn't "which one of the two do I feel most strongly about?" It's "which one of the two likes me best?"

 

No I'm not, you really need to go trough my posts in this thread. Because I have stated several times that I want the love to be equal and mutual.

 

What I am saying however is that I would never pursue a relationship with a woman who is less intrested in me than I am in her, because I wouldn't want to be with a woman who doesn't feel that strongly about me. Why would any man want that? You seem to get the idea that just because I don't want to have a women who loves me less than I love her that means I must want the opposite a woman who loves me more than I love her, That is NOT the case.

 

I would NOT want a woman who loves me more than I love her, because I don't think that would be fair to the woman. I think in the best relationships the love is equal and mutual where both partners love each other 100% and that is what I want.

[donnamaybe]

I think in the best relationships the love is equal and mutual where both partners love each other 100% and that is what I want.

Or at least one in which one partner doesn't calculate the level of love in each and try to be the one "on top."

[marsle85]

I disagree with Fox, I don't think "most women" want to be in a relationship where they are loved more. I think such views are rooted in "benvolent sexism," which assumes a woman needs to be protected, sheltered and treated like a fragile object. Com'on now... we're all adults, I believe how we value dependence is consequential of our upbringing and environment (and sure, gender) but gender is hardly the indicator.

[FoxMulder]

Faced with the option of two women, the deciding factor isn't "which one of the two do I feel most strongly about?" It's "which one of the two likes me best?

 

No, again you misunderstand me.

 

If I am VERY intrested in a woman but the woman is only mildly intrested in me and she wouldn't really care to much if I left, then why on earth would I want to pursue a relationship with her when I know that the feelings are not mutual? You can't make somebody love you, so if the feelings are not fully mutual then I would try to forget about it and move on.

 

What do you expect me to say? That I would want to be in a relationship with a woman who only loves me half as much as I love her? Why would any man want that?

[CLC2008]

It's similar to this arguement:

 

An "I love you" uttered too soon, before the man has processed his feelings and reached the same level of adoration could end a relationship that just as easily could have had an eternal shelf life. As soon as those words are said, they change the dynamic. If a man isn't feeling the love quite yet, he may suddenly feel pressure to manifest that emotion. And if the woman doesn't get the response she expected, it could damage her confidence enough to derail the whole relationship entirely.

[Taramere]

No I'm not, you really need to go trough my posts in this thread. Because I have stated several times that I want the love to be equal and mutual.

 

What I am saying however is that I would never pursue a relationship with a woman who is less intrested in me than I am in her, because I wouldn't want to be with a woman who doesn't feel that strongly about me. Why would any man want that? You seem to get the idea that just because I don't want to have a women who loves me less than I love her that means I must want the opposite a woman who loves me more than I love her, That is NOT the case.

 

I suppose that like jthorne, I'm curious about why this is such an issue for you to the point that you started this thread. If a woman started a thread asserting that it was better for the man to love more, then I could understand you responding to that with the view that equality of love is more conducive to a good relationship. However, that wasn't a statement anyone has made. It's a mindset you attributed to women, with a view to going on to criticise it.

 

You are expressing a fear of getting involved with a woman who doesn't love you as much as you love her. You started a thread to argue with these women, whoever they might be, who subscribe to the belief that the man should love more than the woman in a relationship. In doing so, you're demonstrating that you have a preoccupation with imbalance of power within relationships.

 

So I'd second JThorne's question: Where does that preoccupation with power imbalances spring from? There must, after all, be a reason for you starting this thread. Surely the thread is designed for something more than continual and redundant assertions that relationships should be a healthy exchange of love between two healthy and equal people?