Hannah86 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I completely agree whole heartedly with everything RubySlippers is saying, and mainly because I'm in my first relationship where the guy is way more into me than I am into him--but I've never been happier. He treats me like gold, he says the right thing, and he wants to spend all of his time with me. I am so, so happy and I care for him tremendously. In relationships where I felt like I was more into the guy than he was into me, I felt insecure. Sure, these guys would take me on a great date now and then, sure they'd eventually commit, but I sometimes felt the need to test their adoration for me and usually I didn't get the reaction I wanted, and it stressed me out. I don't feel like I have to hold back when I want to call this new guy, I am comfortable with him going out of town. I trust him because I know he adores me. I am very happy and I could see it working out in the long haul with this guy that is a little more into me than I am into him. I adore him for treating me like a treasure, and with time I will fall more in love back with him as I get to know him better. I don't understand what is selfish about it. I am comfortable, happy, and I don't use or disrespect him.
Author FoxMulder Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 (edited) I completely agree whole heartedly with everything RubySlippers is saying, and mainly because I'm in my first relationship where the guy is way more into me than I am into him--but I've never been happier. He treats me like gold, he says the right thing, and he wants to spend all of his time with me. I am so, so happy and I care for him tremendously. In relationships where I felt like I was more into the guy than he was into me, I felt insecure. Sure, these guys would take me on a great date now and then, sure they'd eventually commit, but I sometimes felt the need to test their adoration for me and usually I didn't get the reaction I wanted, and it stressed me out. I don't feel like I have to hold back when I want to call this new guy, I am comfortable with him going out of town. I trust him because I know he adores me. I am very happy and I could see it working out in the long haul with this guy that is a little more into me than I am into him. I adore him for treating me like a treasure, and with time I will fall more in love back with him as I get to know him better. I don't understand what is selfish about it. I am comfortable, happy, and I don't use or disrespect him. Because you don't think at all about the mans happiness or about the man feeling loved, it does not seem like you and women who think like you even care about the man feeling loved and appriciated. And if you agree with "Ruby Slippers" then you also want the woman to always have the upper hand and the advantage in the relationship, this is very selfish to think because a woman should not have the upper hand just because she is a woman. Nobody should have the upper hand in a relationship, it should be mutual. I can only say that as a man myself I think your kind of thinking is very unattractive, I would not trust a woman to be commited if she doesn't love me as much as I love her or is not as attached to me as I am to her, I would not feel comfortable or happy if I knew I loved her more, And I would not want to be with a selfish woman who thinks that all women deserve to have the upper hand in a relationship. To me it seems you and "Ruby Slippers" go on about all the advantages for women if the man loves more than her and how happy the woman would be and so on... But what about the man? Do you really think a man would like to know that he loves more than her? Do you really think the man would like it if the woman always had the upper hand and the advantage in the relationship? Edited May 27, 2010 by FoxMulder
Hannah86 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Fox, I really don't think you understand female-male dynamics at all. While I may have the upperhand with my guy, he has no idea and believes it is mutual. It's not unfair, he gets all my attention and affection, it's just no relationship is 100% mutual, it's impossible. It's like filling up two cups with water and saying they have the exact same amount: they may be close in amount, but they will never be filled with exactly the same amount of water.
sally4sara Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I don't understand why, for the OP, it is viewed in such extreme terms. Ruby never once mentioned in her experiences with this that it was an extreme difference or that it was used to harm the guy. But the OP, without having ever gone through any style of relationship, assumes it has to be this vastly lopsided situation perpetrated on the guy. My husband was slower to love than I was. So at one point, I would say it was likely I loved him more than he loved me. Now, he often says he wouldn't know what to do without me. Very sweet of him to say so, but I know it is likely he would pick up the pieces eventually if I passed on before him. And I feel this because if he left me (even if not by death) I'd be horribly sad but I have gone through some seriously rough situations I thought would never end, only to moved on to happier days eventually. I am strong; I have reasons to recognize this. I believe people can be stronger than they give themselves credit for because I learned it the hard way. It was not learned by being loved slightly less than I gave. It was by not being loved at all. And if at this time, he loves me a tish more than I, I do not see a struggle behind it. We don't even think to take measure because the relationship has us both happier than we've ever been. Neither of us is wondering who loves who more - why would we be assessing this if both of us feel loved and are satisfied in how we are treated? If you're worried about someone not loving you, you're only going to prevent the opportunity of anyone standing a chance at loving you at all. I cannot imagine a relationship working out while one person keeps yammering about the other's gender preventing them from giving love.
carhill Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 My boundary essentially takes this: While I may have the upperhand with my guy, he has no idea and believes it is mutual.identifies it as a cold calculation, abhors the tone, and says 'bye-bye' It's not the reality of 'loving less' or 'loving more', it's the psychology of the calculation. If I see signs of that calculation going on, and I'm quite sensitive to that now, I push back. Other, more oblivious men, as the respondent so eloquently put it, 'has no idea and *believes* it's *mutual*. I was once so ignorantly blissful too. No more.
rewe4reel Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Before a woman can truly love a man, she must first 1) respect and 2) fear him. Sorry but that's the way it is.
rewe4reel Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Speaking of "Sex and the City," I was at the movies the other day and saw the trailer for the second Sex and the City movie. Have there ever been four more hideously-ugly women together on the big screen all at once? And in a sex comedy? More like a sex tragedy if you ask me.
Maxxx Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I completely agree whole heartedly with everything RubySlippers is saying, and mainly because I'm in my first relationship where the guy is way more into me than I am into him--but I've never been happier. He treats me like gold, he says the right thing, and he wants to spend all of his time with me. I am so, so happy and I care for him tremendously. In relationships where I felt like I was more into the guy than he was into me, I felt insecure. Sure, these guys would take me on a great date now and then, sure they'd eventually commit, but I sometimes felt the need to test their adoration for me and usually I didn't get the reaction I wanted, and it stressed me out. I don't feel like I have to hold back when I want to call this new guy, I am comfortable with him going out of town. I trust him because I know he adores me. I am very happy and I could see it working out in the long haul with this guy that is a little more into me than I am into him. I adore him for treating me like a treasure, and with time I will fall more in love back with him as I get to know him better. I don't understand what is selfish about it. I am comfortable, happy, and I don't use or disrespect him. So what you have said here is that it is ok for you to treat this guy the way you have been treated in the past.... The fact that you don't see it as selfish says it all. Just as a reminder what goes around comes around... And as long as a woman thinks this way I don't think they could ever be truly happy.
Maxxx Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 My boundary essentially takes this: identifies it as a cold calculation, abhors the tone, and says 'bye-bye' It's not the reality of 'loving less' or 'loving more', it's the psychology of the calculation. If I see signs of that calculation going on, and I'm quite sensitive to that now, I push back. Other, more oblivious men, as the respondent so eloquently put it, 'has no idea and *believes* it's *mutual*. I was once so ignorantly blissful too. No more. I agree
Maxxx Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I wanted to thank you wonderful ladies that feel like it is ok to Not love your man as much as he loves you.... Or that you think you will "grow" to love him more with time. There was another thread something like this the other day. And I have to tell you reading this and the other thread. Being a 40 year old man who is looking at his first marriage In july........ You have put a nice doubt into my head as to if the woman I have picked to marry truly loves me or if she is just saying it and going through the motions........ This really sucks! thanks!
Author FoxMulder Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 So what you have said here is that it is ok for you to treat this guy the way you have been treated in the past.... The fact that you don't see it as selfish says it all. Just as a reminder what goes around comes around... And as long as a woman thinks this way I don't think they could ever be truly happy. I defenitley agree. Hannah86 have double standards when it comes to this and is very selfish. She thinks its ok for her to treat a man like that but not the other way around.
donnamaybe Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I wanted to thank you wonderful ladies that feel like it is ok to Not love your man as much as he loves you.... Or that you think you will "grow" to love him more with time. There was another thread something like this the other day. And I have to tell you reading this and the other thread. Being a 40 year old man who is looking at his first marriage In july........ You have put a nice doubt into my head as to if the woman I have picked to marry truly loves me or if she is just saying it and going through the motions........ This really sucks! thanks! Please don't let anything on this forum taint your relationship. I doubt your woman is on here posting.
Author FoxMulder Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 I wanted to thank you wonderful ladies that feel like it is ok to Not love your man as much as he loves you.... Or that you think you will "grow" to love him more with time. There was another thread something like this the other day. And I have to tell you reading this and the other thread. Being a 40 year old man who is looking at his first marriage In july........ You have put a nice doubt into my head as to if the woman I have picked to marry truly loves me or if she is just saying it and going through the motions........ This really sucks! thanks! If I was in your situation I would ask her if she also believes it is ok to not love your man as much as he loves you... And if she thinks that way I would contemplate breaking off the engagement. But thats just what I would do. I would NEVER marry a woman who loves me less than I love her, because it is only a MATTER OF TIME before she DIVORCES. The love should be equal or close to equal, imo.
carhill Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 It is OK for women to have double standards about this. I just find it patronizing and condescending and won't participate. They are welcome to their perspective. I recall, with equal derision, my historical opinions of how men treated 'their little ladies', thinking for them and making their decisions for them like they weren't functioning human beings. A pat on the head, 'there, there', and it will all be better. Patronizing and condescending, though the men *said* they *loved* them. That's the balance. Perhaps those are convergent paths. Regardless, I just choose to avoid either one. Choice
2sure Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 The love should and must be equal and mutual. However...its a good thing when a man looks at his wife and wonders how on earth he did so well.
Maxxx Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 If I was in your situation I would ask her if she also believes it is ok to not love your man as much as he loves you... And if she thinks that way I would contemplate breaking off the engagement. But thats just what I would do. I would NEVER marry a woman who loves me less than I love her, because it is only a MATTER OF TIME before she DIVORCES. The love should be equal or close to equal, imo. Oh yes fox this conversation is going to come up "Honey this is what a read today about how women think bla bla bla." "What are your feelings?" LOL I can hardly wait to see the reaction of course who's to say at that point that her answer won't be all BS to keep me happy. Please don't let anything on this forum taint your relationship. I doubt your woman is on here posting. And yes Donna I know I should take this stuff with a grain of salt but you know the thing is we never really know as men what is going on inside a woman's head....... they are better at "faking" their feelings then men..
Author FoxMulder Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 The love should and must be equal and mutual. However...its a good thing when a man looks at his wife and wonders how on earth he did so well. Yes this is how I see it. I think the love should be equal and mutual, but as you say I also think that if the man considers him "lucky" to have such a good wife then it is healthy.
donnamaybe Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 we never really know as men what is going on inside a woman's head....... they are better at "faking" their feelings then men.. Women would say the same about men, though. What's REALLY important is what is between YOU (the man) and HER (your woman). I just don't get the premise behind this thread. I have never, in my entire life in ANY of my R's, ever even thought of the idea that one loves one more than the other. It's just not in me to think like that.
Author FoxMulder Posted May 27, 2010 Author Posted May 27, 2010 Oh yes fox this conversation is going to come up "Honey this is what a read today about how women think bla bla bla." "What are your feelings?" LOL I can hardly wait to see the reaction of course who's to say at that point that her answer won't be all BS to keep me happy. I hope it works out for you. Keep us updated.
carhill Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I just don't get the premise behind this thread. I have never, in my entire life in ANY of my R's, ever even thought of the idea that one loves one more than the other. It's just not in me to think like that. I like this answer. Absence of calculation. Sharing of self transparently and freely. Thanks. Guys, listen for these words and the actions to back them up. You just got some great insight.
Maxxx Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 I just don't get the premise behind this thread. I have never, in my entire life in ANY of my R's, ever even thought of the idea that one loves one more than the other. It's just not in me to think like that. I don't get it either and until I saw this thread and one like it the other day the thought never entered my head
sumdude Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Women would say the same about men, though. What's REALLY important is what is between YOU (the man) and HER (your woman). I just don't get the premise behind this thread. I have never, in my entire life in ANY of my R's, ever even thought of the idea that one loves one more than the other. It's just not in me to think like that. Yeah, especially considering that the results from "How in love are you" urine tests couples compare every month are often inconclusive.
Els Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Exactly! I have a bisexual friend who has had relationships with both women and men, and she told me that women need constant attention and care. "But men," she said, "are like low-maintenance house plants. You can neglect them for weeks and they don't even notice." Thanks. And I understand what you're saying. I believe that when/if I meet the right guy, the dynamic will be pretty easy and effortless. It was with the guy I mentioned above. If not for his wacko family, I think we could have been happy together for a lifetime. However, I maintain that relationships work best when the man is just a little more into the woman. There are numerous biological and sociological reasons for this, and I have read up on the subject pretty extensively. Essentially, men like to feel they have a treasure, and women like to feel that they are treasured. This becomes more important when they start creating a family. I think what you see commonly on this site is men complaining about their problems with women where the investment of energy is WAY off kilter, not where the man is doing just a little more moving toward the woman than the other way around. I find this quite insightful, and quite sad. Perhaps quite true too, as far more men than women complain about their partners being 'needy'. Does this, then, mean that for a R to succeed, a woman should choose a man that she doesn't really feel strongly about? Wouldn't that doom her to never experiencing passion at its fullest intensity, then? And what happens when each of their interest level fluctuates, as is bound to happen over the course of an LTR?
CLC2008 Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Yeah, especially considering that the results from "How in love are you" urine tests couples compare every month are often inconclusive. Wow. That is so ridiculously unfair. Edit - I thought you meant when the female goes through menstruation. Opps! I retract my statement, lol.
sumdude Posted May 27, 2010 Posted May 27, 2010 Wow. That is so ridiculously unfair. Edit - I thought you meant when the female goes through menstruation. Opps! I retract my statement, lol. No problem... I was trying to make the point .. how exactly do you measure how in love you are compared to someone else anyway? Some people have very good poker faces. There's a thread on the sexuality board where it went back and forth that a woman can fake multi O's but a man can fake a whole relationship. Relationships aren't that static anyway. In my now defunct marriage it started off with her more into me then grew to be more equal. Then once we were married and she 'got me'? Then it started skewing the other way until the end when she lost it for me and I was left heartbroken because I still loved her. So people don't even consider all this stuff because nothing is ever permanent! Just because it's that way one day doesn't mean it can't and won't change. Hope you can find someone who is as into you as you are into them as much as you can tell. Most importantly someone who at least appears to have the wherewithal to understand that things most certainly will change and you have to roll with it and work together or even sometimes alone to keep things going.
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