nextdoor Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Ive been married for 15 years and have two sons. I feel like Ive been very unhappy in this marriage for many (most) of the years. Its crazy because we get along just fine in most every aspect of the marriage. I'm just so freaking bored that I start to feel crazy sometI'mes. I'm also way less attracted to her than I was which doesn't help. So I end up going out all the time (thats the only thing we argue about). My sense of responsibility as a parent is probably the only thing that keeps me here. What the hell is wrong with me? Everyone we know loves her and thinks she's pretty. Hell, a lot of people actually tell me how they admire my life, the bastards. But the thought of actually having a new relationship---i mean, I cannot stop thinking about it. Can I be hypnotized back to being happy?!! Was I ever? By the way, we have talked about this. Not this specifically because thats too mean. (how do you tell someone they bore you and find them unattractive). I just keep going out a lot (never used to, really) because I cannot take spending much time with her. She was even out of town about a month ago for a week and not having her around was completely awesome. I think I need a divorce, which sucks. I cant even believe I'm writing this. Damn. Give me answers. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Try <URL removed> if you genuinely want to resurrect this relationship. It's a pretty good site - folks here have tried it and were pleased. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Hey nextdoor, It sounds like you and your wife and very unhappy right now. I know you have heard this before, or maybe not, counselling might help get to the bottom of your discontent...or get your hands on as much reading material as you can dealing with midlife crisis. Divorce is huge so make that decision as a last and final, no hope left, resort....and tell yourself you will not seek solace in the arms of another woman...That would avoid lots of a**pain for lots of folks. And give yourself credit for addressing your unhappiness, it's a first step. Good Luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 don't feel bad, I feel exactly the same way. I have been with my wife 9 years and we have a 7 year old. If it wasn't for my daughter I would be long gone. I feel my youth slipping away and just want to do more....but what? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I guess it's easier for a woman to leave a marriage since the children generally reside with her. I can truly understand a man's delimma. I know most people think with some help....you can work thru a bad marriage. That may very well be true. I personally don't know. I was one happy camper when mine ended. I always say I'm single because the memory of MY marriage has lingered like a plague upon my brain. I'm certainly no candidate for giving marriage advice. I figure I've only got the one life to live....and I'm not gonna live it miserable. I'm sorry nextdoor and doniker.....I really feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 don't feel bad, I feel exactly the same way. I have been with my wife 9 years and we have a 7 year old. If it wasn't for my daughter I would be long gone. I feel my youth slipping away and just want to do more....but what? doniker, I know someone who is around 38 years old who feels that way about his marriage. He has kids and if it wasn't for them, he says he would be gone. Can't a man find part 2 of his life with his wife? Does evolving thru midlife necessarily mean dumping the past and whoever was part of it? Or does marriage get stale, no matter what we try to do to keep if fresh? IS new and different the answer? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I don't know if it's 'mid life' thing Skittles. Unless someone has truly been stuck in a miserable marriage.....it's really hard to explain why you just can't 'fix it'. Think of the worst date you ever had.....and now you are living with it on a daily basis. It's kinda like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Think of the worst date you ever had.....and now you are living with it on a daily basis. It's kinda like that. Wowee ...If that is what it's like I feel very sorry for these folks..My worst date was nasty, and I left right after dinner, no show.. I just wonder, Arabess, how it gets to be so bad...especially since it had to start out with each other tugging at one anothers zippers, you know what I mean? It makes me wonder if marriage would actually work out for me, since I have high hopes like a lot of folks that it could...then I see what is happening around me in my life with my friends and my cyber-buddies here and I am left scratching my head.. Does marriage go against self-actualization?.....Couldn't it be we-actualization? Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 i know this is kind of Cliche,,,, but Dr Phil has a great saying that you must " Work you way out of a marriage" means you must put every effort in to trying to make your marriage work before you consider divorce or infidelity, if every body did this maby the divorce rate in this country would be so high Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I'm not married, so I guess I'm not your best advisor. But my best guess is you're going through a midlife crisis. Be goddamn proud of what you've accomplished and cherish the ones you love. Be content. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 .......Kriz....the link wouldn't come up for me..... Skittles, I really don't know. Maybe there was a time when the only person a disgruntled married woman had to talk to was Mrs Boone down the road who was equally as miserable. Now, you can get on LS and 12 people tell you to get the hell out. LOL! Maybe the 'information highway' has deadened our sensibility. I think with both people working, society changing, morals gone to hell in a hand basket....have all added to the disappearance of the 'family unit'. I don't know if one can change it....as much as just learning to survive thru it. It just isn't Grandma's world anymore. I personally wouldn't stay in a crappy marriage any longer than I had to. I do, however, respect those who do give it a go. You are still young....the world is your oyster. As for me though....I doubt I would ever marry again. At least not until my children are grown. AHHH....speaking of oysters....I'm late getting ready for my dinner date!!! We are both bringing our 11 year old sons....sounds like a real BRU-HA-HA! Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 my problem is me. I have never been passionate about anything in life and at age 40 I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I blame it on my upbringing; my parents are very negative people that discouraged me and told me I was worthless. I am not happy being married and wouldn't be happy single, I don't know what would make me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 at age 40 I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Doniker, I don't mean to wreck any dream you have left, but you're not going to grow any bigger anymore. In fact, in twenty years, you'll start to shrink. Shape up goddamnit. Be content with what you have accomplished Don, you probably could have done a lot worse. Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Originally posted by Kriz^ Doniker, I don't mean to wreck any dream you have left, but you're not going to grow any bigger anymore. I was only making a joke. I know there are alot of people worse off then me; I am financially secure, healthy and have a good life. But hey what can I say, I am bored with my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 I was joking as well on the growing up thing. Do you have children? Try to take on some sort of hobby. Painting, drawing, write a book. What do you think that you could do to make yourself less of the bored, pityful man? Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Originally posted by Kriz^ What do you think that you could do to make yourself less of the bored, pityful man? If I knew I would be doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Looking outside of yourself for happiness and excitement is a major mistake. We make that for ourselves, just as we fashion the rest of our lives. The love we feel for others, the excitement we feel for all experiences...including marriage....comes from inside. When a person is bored, the cause can always be seen in the mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 I read this type of comment a lot here, Tony, and I only agree to a certain extent. Yes, for example Doniker has to focus on his inner self. But our happiness comes from our interactions with and our perception of our environment. Introspection is most often not a 'cure'. Doniker. Tell me anything you liked as a kid. Something you enjoyed. Perhaps a talent. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Actually, Kriz, Tony is 100% right. You said it yourself; our perception of our environment. Happiness is an attitude you can adopt. If you find you are unable to do so, then it's time to see if you are chemically depressed. Doniker, like you, I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up - but that has not stopped me from being happy and loving life. I've been married and divorced, jobless, even homeless briefly when leaving a violent guy, and had something like 17 of life's major stressful events happen to me in 10 years (deaths, fire, robbery, etc etc). I've been depressed for a while once or twice, but I'm still here and I'm happy almost all of the time. I look for things to enjoy in life - there's the ticket. You really can change your life and attitude if you learn to take time to enjoy even the littlest things. I wasn't always this way but got inspired to try this attitude many years ago and it's served me well ever since. Happiness isn't found at the end of the rainbow - it's found in the beauty of the rainbow itself. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 I assuming you are probably going through a mid-life crisis. I can guarantee that the 'dating' life is extremely harsh. I'm just so glad I'm not in that anymore. I got tired of the freakin' games being played. 15 years is a long time to be married, but having a new female in your life isn't going to make you necessarily happy. What is so wrong with her? Is she not willing to try new things with you? Is it sexual or something else? I know some couple who have been married for a long time try out the swinging thing when it comes to sex. I think you are in the case that you dont know what you have until its gone, forever. After being with my ex-fiancee for 5 years I felt the same way, I was so glad she was gone for a weekend, etc.. But when she left for good the one day, it was hard to cope with life for quite awhile. Do fun things with her! Just living together isn't enough. When was the last time you two went out on a date with each other? Don't you think she might be feeling the same way? Try to spruce it up some.. Link to post Share on other sites
Qgal Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 The way I see it you could try 2 things: Anti-depressants (since your sadness/discontent spills over into other areas of your life) or A trial/legal separation (to see if you feel better without her) This can last forever if you both want it to. It is sometimes a good solution for getting your head together and it might just jump start your attraction to her once you are out of the house. ??? If not, you are in a better position to test the waters to see which is more comfortable for you. You deserve to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Jules Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Sounds like a mid life crises. Hate to say it but, if you stay you wont be happy,and leaving isn't going to do it either. It will just be a differant kind of unhappy. Maybe seperating will show you what you think your missing. If I were you, do whatever you can to keep that door open. Something tells me your going to want to go back! Jules Link to post Share on other sites
M Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 One piece of advice that has constantly and consistently helped me is this: "Feelings do not have to preceed actions. Act as though you are content and happy, and eventually you will be." So many times I am feeling pouty and negative and sorry for myself, and I can say, "You know what? Just suck it up and act happy and truly behave as though X,Y,Z" And all of the sudden I am feeling better and more confident and loving. I use this tactic in every aspect of my life. I used to think my job was boring and meaningless, until I started to actively look for meaning in it, and behave as though I enjoyed and respected my work. Lo and behold, I don't hate going to my job anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
TGauthreaux Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Why should he stay in a marriage he isn't happy with? I know I would be gone the first minute I was unhappy. You don't get to live but once,gotta make it a good one. Tommy Gauthreaux Link to post Share on other sites
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