Am I too stubborn? -- Stupid Long.

[MyNameIsJane]

I'm 23, with divorced parents and have had really good relationships with them and my step-parents.

 

About two years ago I filled out one of those "list 25 facts about yourself" questionnaire things on facebook. Stupid and very 8th grade, but I was incredibly bored. Anyway, I love to write - and ramble - and so my "facts" weren't so much "I like green apples better than red apples" as they were mini paragraphs about myself. Anyway... I posted it as a note... and last dec (more than a year after posting), I got a call from my step-mom. It was a really important day for me, and I didn't have much time to talk, but I picked up. Her voice was weird - I asked her what was wrong and she said "I'm a little hurt."

 

She tried to explain some round about way of how she discovered my facebook, but long story short, she googled me. Even though my facebook is set to private, somehow in google, even if you don't have a facebook, you can view my notes (and just my notes, nothing more) through like the indonesian version of the site... it's really weird - but true and annoying

 

Anyway, she saw the questionnaire. She wouldn't tell me what specifically was on it - but just that something hurt her feelings. I couldn't remember what the hell I'd written, so I went on there and read until I found something. It basically said that I greatly respected my father and attribute many of my good qualities to him - but that also through his experiences with women, I believe I have grown up to be different than most women (ie, not as crazy) because I saw the way he was treated by them in the past.

 

I told her that I didn't mean her specifically, and that anyone reading that wouldn't jump to her (especially since they are married still). My mother cheated on my father when I was young (and brought me along for the ride) and it really broke him when she left him and took me with... really broke him. So if anything, people may think of her.

 

But my step-mom refused to believe that it has to do with anyone else but her. I insisted for 30 minutes, cried, pretty much did everything I could to apologize, but we didn't have much time to talk and I started to realize that there was nothing I could say at that time to make her feel better about it. So I told her if she ever wanted to continue talking about it, to call me and I would... I also showed it to my real mom and she didn't take offense to it (despite it being much more clearly about her than my step mom) and just said it is an enigmatic message on the internet that may or may not be about her or anyone... for all anyone knew, my dad could have dated a ton of women.

 

Two weeks later I went to my dad and step-mom for Christmas.. I worried it would be awkward, and it wasn't. My step-mom never mentioned it and we spent a lot of time together, but my dad and I did talk about it at one point and hugged it out. Things went really well and I returned to AZ feeling like the relationship had been restored.

 

But suddenly my dad was not speaking to me... He used to call every other day - at a minimum... and once I went home, he never called. not once. I know I could pick up the phone. and I did maybe once (no answer)... but before, he would always call me on his way home from work... so it was unusual for HIM not to be calling me. He didn't call for 8 weeks, until my birthday in late feb. He was on the phone with me maybe 3 minutes (instead of our usual hour or more every other day).

 

I finally called him in early march. Eventually asked why things had been weird. I guess it was because my step-mom was still mad. I'd deleted the facebook note. But because I was so frustrated at the time (it was when I showed my mom and she thought it was stupid and nothing), and couldn't be an adult, instead of COMPLETELY deleting it, I just wrote "nevermind" in place of it (stupid, stupid, stupid). I guess she googled me again and saw that. I told him I felt bad for doing that and that I did it before I visited at xmas, when things were more heated.. I completely deleted everything, but too little too late.

 

In mid-march, she called me. I answered. She asked me what I was doing for spring break (which was about 4 days later). I told her I was going to vegas for a few days with friends. She said she was thinking of coming to AZ (where it is nice and sunny) for a couple days over break and wanted to see if I'd be around. But she didn't say when during break... just that she was thinking about coming. I told her to keep me posted. She literally texted me the morning she got to AZ and said she was in town. I moved around some things to make time after work to have dinner with her that night (I was to leave for vegas early the next morning). Dinner went well but right after, she got weird. Wouldn't hug me goodbye, kept asking weird questions about schedules and cars and who was going to vegas and what their schedules were like - almost as if she thought I was lying about going and wanted to keep quizzing me to see if details changed. (which is my theory on why she didn't confirm she was visiting until she was already in town... because she wanted to see if I was even leaving)... it's hard to describe - but it was suspicious.

 

So we left things like that. I haven't spoken to my dad since early march. I sent her flowers the friday before mothers day (trying to go back to normal...) with a card saying "Happy Mother's day weekend, i love you" etc, but didn't hear from her until I texted my dad on saturday asking if she had received them (i got a notice of delivery email on friday) and then she texted me on sunday... so two days after getting them... saying "thanks."

 

Am I reading too much into that?

 

I just cant believe my dad, who has been there my entire life just VANISHED when this whole thing went down... it feels like he just completely sided with her, when I don't really want there to be sides at all... I just want things normal again. But whenever I show anyone (my mom, boyfriend, best friend, sisters) what I wrote, they act like it isn't a big deal... like this really shouldn't be ruining relationships.

 

Should I call him and ask what's up or should I keep trying to act like nothing is wrong, or should I wait to hear from him? I don't want to lose my father in my life over something this stupid, but I also don't think it is fair that they are acting this way.... and I also don't know if I am overreacting..

 

Congrats if you made it all the way through this. lol

[Heathy]

I do agree that they are overreacting. It seems like you had a very close relationship with your father and stepmother. I have divorced parents and I barely talk to my father or stepmother. I agree that it is incredibly stupid for them to start completely ignoring you over a facebook/myspace (whatever it was) survey. Everyone gets bored and posts those stupid little things and it's not immature at all. What's immature is to stop talking to someone because of it. I think that whenever you would normally call your dad or stepmom you should call them and carry on the conversation like normal. If they seem to be distancing themselves try to ask why and then let it out. Let them know that it really hurts you that they would ruin such a good family relationship over something so silly.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I can't help but wonder if you are leaving out details.

 

Why do you keep showing it to people? Could your dad and step-mom know you're showing it around, feel like you are keeping it going? Does your mom and step-mom get along? Could your step-mom be offended that you showed it to your mom?

 

It doesn't sound like you have really made up with your step-mom. I don't think you should expect your dad to act normal with you until you do. Have you specifically told your dad and step-mom that you want things to be like they were? Have you told them you thought everything was fine at Christmas and asked why have they been acting weird?

 

I think you should continually reach out to your dad and step-mom to try to get past this issue.

[Ronni_W]

Should I call him and ask what's up or should I keep trying to act like nothing is wrong, or should I wait to hear from him

I wouldn't just pretend that nothing's wrong because that really won't improve things between all of you.

 

I would suggest, call him and tell him that you love him and your stepmother, and you miss having them both as positive and supportive forces in your life.

You could also say that you know that your stepmother was hurt by what she read, and ask what can you do and/or say current-day to help her feel better.

You could also let them know that you're finding their lack of understanding and forgiveness very hurtful...and also surprising because how they're acting doesn't live up to your high image and regard for each of them, nor for them as a couple.

 

If you feel up to it, you might consider sending her a card and letting her know how much you appreciate her in your dad's life; how happy you were that he found someone so special to love him; how you were always so happy and proud of the relationship that you and she shared; blah blah blah.

 

Between you and me.

You did nothing at all "wrong" and you're not over-reacting. For whatever reason, your stepmother lost her marbles over this one. Not only is it narcissistic of her to make your life story about her, it is also mean of her to have dragged your dad into it, and it is childish of her to make such a big deal about it. I get this isn't necessarily her usual character but like I said, she went nuts on herself over this specific incident -- it obviously triggered some distorted or traumatic memory or fear or whatever within her.

Regardless of all of that though. At this point, quite honestly, she is the one who owes you an apology. IMO.

 

I'm terribly sorry that you've had to go through this, and I do send wishes and prayers that you'll be able to somehow get through to them.

 

Hugs and best.

[mem11363]

Blame all around on this one. The main thing to be practical about is this. A man who is being treated well by his "wife" - will generally side with her all other things being equal. Your remote living situation amplifies her advantage.

 

Putting right and wrong aside, you will likely end up getting the worst of this if it doesn't get resolved.

 

 

You can't fix her - but there are a couple things worth keeping in mind when deciding what to do next.

1. Most casual communication has a fair amount of ambiguity and can easily be misunderstood. Maybe she is mildly paranoid, many people are, but she genuinely took it as a personal slam.

2. The "never mind" post was very likely interpreted by her as a total slap in the face. She had already told you that "X" deeply hurts me and instead of deletion - you doubled down. At that point ambiguity was no longer a factor, she had made it clear that she took the post as hurtful, and you clearly conveyed you didn't care.

 

Forget about her flaws. Focusing on you - if you care about someone in a situation like that you: Delete the post the next day and call her afterwards and briefly repeat that you are sorry she was hurt, you absolutely didn't mean her but deleted to avoid anyone else misunderstanding the post. If she declines to be gracious at that point - you can play the "I did everything I could to fix this" song to your Dad over and over. She looks like the bad person in that scenario if she won't drop it. Unless she is stupid, she would understand that and WOULD have dropped it.

 

3. She seems a bit unwilling to be direct. Maybe she was non-specific about the AZ visit because she feared outright rejection. Maybe she is just not considerate. Still - likely that trip was intended as an olive branch. Ooops. Not your fault - but your lack of: directly telling her you WANTED her to visit and giving her your exact dates didn't help.

 

As for blame - it is hard to say from a distance. It is somewhere between 60-40 and 40-60. Still - it doesn't matter that much - make peace or accept that she is going to cause you and your dad much misery going forward.

 

As for how other people who read it took it - not really relevant. And your Mom's view is the least relevant of all. Of course she wasn't offended she DID screw him over.

 

 

I wouldn't just pretend that nothing's wrong because that really won't improve things between all of you.

 

I would suggest, call him and tell him that you love him and your stepmother, and you miss having them both as positive and supportive forces in your life.

You could also say that you know that your stepmother was hurt by what she read, and ask what can you do and/or say current-day to help her feel better.

You could also let them know that you're finding their lack of understanding and forgiveness very hurtful...and also surprising because how they're acting doesn't live up to your high image and regard for each of them, nor for them as a couple.

 

If you feel up to it, you might consider sending her a card and letting her know how much you appreciate her in your dad's life; how happy you were that he found someone so special to love him; how you were always so happy and proud of the relationship that you and she shared; blah blah blah.

 

Between you and me.

You did nothing at all "wrong" and you're not over-reacting. For whatever reason, your stepmother lost her marbles over this one. Not only is it narcissistic of her to make your life story about her, it is also mean of her to have dragged your dad into it, and it is childish of her to make such a big deal about it. I get this isn't necessarily her usual character but like I said, she went nuts on herself over this specific incident -- it obviously triggered some distorted or traumatic memory or fear or whatever within her.

Regardless of all of that though. At this point, quite honestly, she is the one who owes you an apology. IMO.

 

I'm terribly sorry that you've had to go through this, and I do send wishes and prayers that you'll be able to somehow get through to them.

 

Hugs and best.

[MyNameIsJane]

I can't help but wonder if you are leaving out details.

 

Why do you keep showing it to people? Could your dad and step-mom know you're showing it around, feel like you are keeping it going? Does your mom and step-mom get along? Could your step-mom be offended that you showed it to your mom?

 

It doesn't sound like you have really made up with your step-mom. I don't think you should expect your dad to act normal with you until you do. Have you specifically told your dad and step-mom that you want things to be like they were? Have you told them you thought everything was fine at Christmas and asked why have they been acting weird?

 

I think you should continually reach out to your dad and step-mom to try to get past this issue.

 

 

I know it sounds like I am leaving out details - but I am not. This is an anonymous forum, so it is the best place to put everything out there an get an opinion from people who dont know me. I have no reason to make myself look better - because I wont get honest feedback.

 

I don't consider showing it to my boyfriend, best friend and mother necessarily showing it around. I am not showing it to everyone I know - just those three people. I know my dad and step mom KNOW that I showed my mother because I told them... also because I tried explaining to my step mom that (and she should already know) my mother treated my father really bad while they are married and if anything, that comment reflected her behavior.

 

When I called my dad in early march, I told him how I felt, and that I thought everything went well at xmas so I didn't understand why things were weird again. i also explained that I found it weird that when I was there in person, things went wonderfully, and then I leave and things are awkward again. I told her if she ever wanted to talk about it, I would absolutely be willing to talk about it, and she never brought it up... which is why I think it is kind of unfair to hold it against me still without vocalizing it when I was giving the opportunity to talk.

[MyNameIsJane]

Still - likely that trip was intended as an olive branch. Ooops. Not your fault - but your lack of: directly telling her you WANTED her to visit and giving her your exact dates didn't help.

 

This may or may not be a relevant detail that i did leave out. I DID tell her the dates I was going to Vegas. She did not tell me the dates she was considering coming to AZ. I didn't say WOW YOU SHOULD REALLY COME, but I did say the weather was great and it was a good time for swimming and to keep me posted on if she decided to come (she said she was coming with a friend, but she didn't)... she said okay and fell silent until the day she arrived - which was the day before SHE KNEW I was to leave for vegas.

[Angel1111]

This whole thing is so idiotic I can hardly even believe it. You didn't do anything wrong so, if I were you, I'd let them come around on their own -- if they ever decide to. Your father just taught you another valuable lesson - that he's weak when it comes to women - possibly the reason your mother didn't respect him.

 

I'm not suggesting that you write them off completely but there does come a point when you need to stop apologizing and stop discussing it. If they can't overlook something this minor, then there are some serious underlying problems going on that you don't know about. My guess is that the step-mom is jealous of your relationship with your father. I know - really immature but it happens all the time. And your father doesn't have the backbone to stand up to her.

 

The whole AZ trip was totally stupid. I don't know what's up with either of them but when people start acting that dumb, I tend to walk away from it and let them figure it out. I really think that your father should apologize to you. But don't hold your breath.

[MyNameIsJane]

This whole thing is so idiotic I can hardly even believe it. You didn't do anything wrong so, if I were you, I'd let them come around on their own -- if they ever decide to. Your father just taught you another valuable lesson - that he's weak when it comes to women - possibly the reason your mother didn't respect him.

 

I'm not suggesting that you write them off completely but there does come a point when you need to stop apologizing and stop discussing it. If they can't overlook something this minor, then there are some serious underlying problems going on that you don't know about. My guess is that the step-mom is jealous of your relationship with your father. I know - really immature but it happens all the time. And your father doesn't have the backbone to stand up to her.

 

The whole AZ trip was totally stupid. I don't know what's up with either of them but when people start acting that dumb, I tend to walk away from it and let them figure it out. I really think that your father should apologize to you. But don't hold your breath.

 

I thank you for your response... I do find it hard with fathers day coming up to not say something. I physically feel the stubbornness in me when I even think about calling - not because I don't want to say happy fathers day - because I will... but because I am angry about everything... how can I speak to him and not mention in? Also - what if my step-mother answers?

 

Ugh!

[Corporate]

I thank you for your response... I do find it hard with fathers day coming up to not say something. I physically feel the stubbornness in me when I even think about calling - not because I don't want to say happy fathers day - because I will... but because I am angry about everything... how can I speak to him and not mention in? Also - what if my step-mother answers?

 

Ugh!

 

 

Just called your father now and asked him why he go from calling you all the time to not calling you at all. Ask him what's going on, not in an accusation kind of way, but a concern kind of way. Do it now and report back.

[MyNameIsJane]

Just called your father now and asked him why he go from calling you all the time to not calling you at all. Ask him what's going on, not in an accusation kind of way, but a concern kind of way. Do it now and report back.

 

I called him on his cell... But I didn't mention it - because there was a whole family reunion thing going on at his house (guess I wasn't invited) and it would have been weird to get into that conversation when he was in front of people. I said happy fathers day and we talked a little - but it was awkward... It was like we both were thinking the same thing in the back of our heads but neither of us mentioned it.

 

We didn't laugh like normal or joke like normal... Just did the "how are you, how's the bf, how's the family" thing and hung up.

 

I feel like I am just giving up.

[turnera]

My dad's wife did something that just about destroyed my marriage and a lot of really bad things ensued because of it. I had to tell our daughter's school (she was 6 at the time) that they couldn't pick her up any more because I was afraid that his wife would run off with my daughter just to spite us; she was that awful. We ended up cutting ties with them because she refused to admit what she had done, and he refused to stop defending her. Didn't really see him again until he was dying, at which time the closest we got to him NOT defending her was he said "I know you guys hate her but she took good care of me; I needed her."

 

Never underestimate the power a second wife has over her husband.

 

That said, she has trouble facing people when she has issues with them. She visited you to see if she could get YOU to do something to 'make it up' to her. Since you didn't, she's back to punishing you through your dad.

 

I will tell you from experience, the ONLY way out of this mess is to sit down, face to face, and tell them exactly what you're saying here. They may melt this standoff, they may not; but you'll know that you did what you had to do to fix it.

[mem11363]

Jane,

I will answer the question in your post title: Yes you are a very, very determined person. First rule of engagement: You cannot slight the wife without slighting the husband. Men and women are BOTH wired for rescue. Women will typically sacrifice anything for their children. Men will typically do the same for their wives.

 

Are you really going to choose to sacrifice your relationship with your father over this?

 

You are losing this battle. Perhaps it is time to meet midway and put this behind you. Are you willing to do that? And do you take responsibility for your part in this - which IMO was a very deliberate "nevermind" directed at someone who had already shown herself to be overly sensitive/mildly paranoid.

 

If so, I will suggest what would work with me - I am a lot closer in age to your father than to you. If not - well the difference between persistence and stubbornness is purely based on the quality of your results. If you continue down the current path your result will be very bad - which answers your original post title.

 

Meeting halfway means you BOTH apologize. She was wrong also and my guess is you can get him to make her acknowledge her role in this as long as you are willing to address yours.

 

I called him on his cell... But I didn't mention it - because there was a whole family reunion thing going on at his house (guess I wasn't invited) and it would have been weird to get into that conversation when he was in front of people. I said happy fathers day and we talked a little - but it was awkward... It was like we both were thinking the same thing in the back of our heads but neither of us mentioned it.

 

We didn't laugh like normal or joke like normal... Just did the "how are you, how's the bf, how's the family" thing and hung up.

 

I feel like I am just giving up.

[candymoon]

I called him on his cell... But I didn't mention it - because there was a whole family reunion thing going on at his house (guess I wasn't invited) and it would have been weird to get into that conversation when he was in front of people. I said happy fathers day and we talked a little - but it was awkward... It was like we both were thinking the same thing in the back of our heads but neither of us mentioned it.

 

We didn't laugh like normal or joke like normal... Just did the "how are you, how's the bf, how's the family" thing and hung up.

 

I feel like I am just giving up.

 

Wow the bold is really jacked up. Can they seriously be so pissed over something so petty that they have stopped inviting you to family functions? That is cold-blodded. I'd be hurt and furious too. How dare they!

 

I'd try to sit them both down and get to the bottom of it. Either your step-mom has always been jealous of you or had it in for you or she is in the midst of menopause and not thinking clearly. I also wonder why she was Googling you in the first place. That seems a bit odd.

 

Sit them both down at the same time so there is no "he said, she said" nonsense. Tell them you are hurt that this silly facebook thing is out of control. Tell her that you can understand how she feels upset about it and then go on and be blunt--it was about your BIO MOM NOT HER. that might help if she feels she was being targeted.

 

Doesn't sound like you ever just came out and said it was about your actual mom to them.

 

I swear, facebook seems to destroy all kinds of relationships these days....

[MyNameIsJane]

Meeting halfway means you BOTH apologize. She was wrong also and my guess is you can get him to make her acknowledge her role in this as long as you are willing to address yours.

 

Thank you so much for your direct response. I have apologized. MANY times.. and genuinely. The "nevermind" was days after the incident, it had been over well over six months since then and I have apologized for what happened, several times...

 

I cannot make her apologize - so am I just supposed to keep calling?

 

Sit them both down at the same time so there is no "he said, she said" nonsense. Tell them you are hurt that this silly facebook thing is out of control. Tell her that you can understand how she feels upset about it and then go on and be blunt--it was about your BIO MOM NOT HER. that might help if she feels she was being targeted.

 

Doesn't sound like you ever just came out and said it was about your actual mom to them.

 

I swear, facebook seems to destroy all kinds of relationships these days....

 

Thanks, Candy. I can't really literally sit down with them unless I fly out there, but I have told her it was about my biological mother - It's hard to say every single detail because the story would be EVEN longer than it already is... but I am really not trying to make this one sided - I have done everything I can think of to apologize and make this right (even sending flowers)... but no avail...

 

I am starting to think there is nothing that will actually make her happy... except going back in time.

[turnera]

Some people will always seek out controversies, to keep themselves in the driver's seat, or else as the victim. Both give them power. Understand that, and move on.

[Corporate]

You do know that you're from a disfunctional family, right? If your biological parents are still together, this would have never happened. At least one of the parents would not allow the other to do this to their own kids.

[BlackLovely]

You do know that you're from a disfunctional family, right? If your biological parents are still together, this would have never happened. At least one of the parents would not allow the other to do this to their own kids.

 

Just because parents are divorced, it doesn't mean that the family is dysfunctional. My parents have been married for more than 30 years.

However, my father has always allowed my mother to hurt his four children deeply. How naive of you, to think that married parents automatically equals a healthy family.

[KikiW]

Sounds to me like you did everything you could to make amends... Let it go, if she can't let it go (or your father), then it's their problem AND their loss.

 

It's a shame that one thing taken out of context should be such a big deal, and a bigger shame that you apologized profusely and they are acting so strangely. Really is.

[MyNameIsJane]

Sounds to me like you did everything you could to make amends... Let it go, if she can't let it go (or your father), then it's their problem AND their loss.

 

It's a shame that one thing taken out of context should be such a big deal, and a bigger shame that you apologized profusely and they are acting so strangely. Really is.

 

That's kind of where I am at now, emotionally. I just feel like, okay - I have apologized (sincerely) many times, I have tried to resume normal communication, I have tried to get things back to where they were - but they aren't biting.

 

They never call, I'm apparently not invited to family gatherings (I literally got a call from my aunt saying, "hey we are all wondering where you are" - being genuine. I texted my cousin telling him I didn't know anything about it and he said my dad told everyone that he invited me, but I declined because of summer school).... so I am at the point where I feel like I need to just back off and let them make the next move.

 

Of course people (like on here, or my close family that knows the situation now) keep saying, "You're going to regret losing a relationship with your father.. etc"

 

Of course I am - we were so close. But what the hell else am I supposed to do? I can't MAKE them talk to me, make them be normal, make them get over anything..... how can I fix this any more than I have already tried?

[turnera]

Be consistently polite and continue to make overtures, while expecting nothing. The longer you go between conversations, the harder it is for either of you to close the gap and ask for amends.