Was this an emotionally abusive relationship?

[Brokendreams875]

I have recently been able to tell my story to people, friends, i wasn't allowed to have when I was with my ex and have been told it was probably emotionally abusive. I still feel so lost without my ex and cant help but not want to think to badly of him but I need some advice here

 

Here are some of the things he use to do

 

He would yell at me when HE did something blatetly wrong and I was angry about it. His only reason for being angry was because I was angry and he would keep me up till 5am fighting knowing I had to get up at 7am for work. He would also try and convince me I was wrong.

 

He didn't want me to have male friends because "he trusted me but didnt trust them" and even though I tend to get along with males better and was semi willing to deal with this I couldn't have female friends either because they may have guy friends or if they are single I may go out and meet single guys with them.

-I was ALLOWED to have these friends according to him yet any time I even SPOKE to another guy (which was fairly often Im a HUGE hockey fan and tend to meet alot of guys on train rides home from games and ALL we ever spoke about was hockey) he flipped out saying they were just talking to me cause they wanted to have sex with me and would threaten to leave me.

 

After HE lied about a few smaller things which he thought was "to avoid fights" when I didnt trust him he would tell me I was PSYCHO and being a bitch and that my resulting depression wasnt real and I was just being crazy.

 

Im very close to my family but when we were looking at colleges he kept trying to keep me away from any school that would put me close to home because he didnt want me running home.

 

Any time I would speak about my past that didnt involve him (even if it had nothing to do with other guys etc) he would shut off completely and then later tell me I was a slut because I SPOKE to people and was outgoing.

 

He also made me feel like I couldnt make it without him. That I was always wrong in eveyrthing even when I knew I was right. That everything he did wrong was justified because "im crazy" or "im a bitch" etc. He also didnt want me to lie but yelled at me when I told him brutal truths.

 

Now I do feel hopeless without him. Everything I do reminds me of him. Somehow I keep only seeing the good things and I get annoyed when people say bad things about him even though I can see them. I know I did the right thing by leaving, but did what he did to me count as emotional abuse? Idk if its just me but somehow putting a name to things and feeling like im NOT crazy... maybe itll help.

[txsilkysmoothe]

It seems your ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. Your description reminds me of my ex-husband from many years ago. My ex was also physically abusive.

 

It sounds like your ex was very jealous. Abusers isolate their victims. My ex kept me away from my family and friends also. He also convinced me to quit my job. I did so partly because it was getting too difficult to conceal the bruises from my coworkers. (warped thought pattern)

 

He told me that no other man would want me, that I was not a good woman or wife and I should be grateful that he was willing to tolerate me.

 

I was always accused of looking at men and "wanting" them. I became pretty anti-social out of fear that something innocent would set him off. I still have trouble being friendly and social because of that relationship.

 

Be glad that you are out. Emotional abuse is more difficult to overcome than physical abuse, IMO. Don't underestimate the impact it has had on your life. You may want to consider counseling to work through the confusion and limit it's influence on your future. Best wishes............

Edited May 26, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe

[sugarmomma]

Google emotional abuse and emotional dependency which will help you understand why you still kind of miss someone like him. Once you educate yourself about emotional abuse you will stronger the next time and in more of a position to set boundaries with these losers.

[Green]

I think the lesson you need to learn is you define how you will allow people to treat you. When he started doing these things its time to say good bye...

 

Out of all the things he did though I would have to agree that certain boundaries need to be put on male friendship... other then that he shouldn't have thought with you all night unless you were also arguing back then that is a two way thing... As for the family thing did you ever confront him about that?

[Brokendreams875]

Thanks for your posts.

Hes still trying to mess with me and i've had some very week moments. Its only been a week and Im still a mess and don't know how to handle it.

 

Hes still randomly texting me, then not answering if I text him. He makes me feel like I need to beg to see him (luckily by the time I was done "convincing him" i had remembered why I SHOULDNT see him), he hates facebook yet he made one to then get mad that I changed my status.

 

Ive since blocked his facebook not only on mine but on my mothers etc facebook so he cant check at all and I wont feel the need to check his. I deleted his phone number and BBM number and im trying hard to not talk to him. Im starting to realize I am not crazy for doing things I want whether or not he wanted me to ( like agreeing to go to Aruba with my best friend before she moves away)

 

I had talked to him many times about what he was doing and he denied it and told me I was crazy. I would try and stop arguing and ask to go to bed and hed tell me we couldn't go to bed angry and if id hang up hed call and call (and my phone is my only alarm) I had talked to him about how much my family meant to me and I didnt want to be more then 3 hours away and he didnt care and said I couldnt keep "running home" even though I had no intention of doing so.

 

I honestly think things could change when he grows up a little more. He had been good for so long and suddenly when things got really stressful (picking colleges, graduating, getting through our last semester and his not knowing what he wants to do with his life) he reverted back to his angry very immature self. im not getting my hopes up or anything were going to 2 different colleges etc

Edited May 26, 2010 by Brokendreams875

[Weird]

For sure that sounds like an emotionally abusive guy and it is good you ended things though I am sure you'll have a nice recovery period to get over it.

 

Add another attractive girl (I have a friend who got out of a relationship like this) to the list of those who were with guys who treated them like crap when they could have had much better...mind boggling.

[RedDevil66]

yes, it's abuse.

And he blaming you and calling you crazy is called deflecting.

 

It's hard to leave an abuser since being with them lowers the self esteem to zero and you feel you just cannot make it without them now.

 

There is emotional abuse done without intent or knowledge and there is abuse done with intent, He does his with intent.

 

Does he drink a lot?

How old is he?