Newbie in despair

[lostdad]

Well, where do I start.

 

I’ve found this forum last week and it’s been very helpful.

 

I’m 42 and have been married for 10 years. My wife and I have 2 great children we love, ages 4 and 6.

About 6 months ago, my wife starting dropping hints that she wasn’t thrilled with things. The hints got more and more serious. First, it was that we need to instill more passion and fun into our marriage. We both realized our kids had sidetracked us a lot. Then, the hints grew into suggestions that our marriage was in shambles. She’s felt alone for years – we’ve lost our connection and passion. Etc. Now she talks about how I’ve been so negative and unhappy and she tried everything to help me but couldn’t. She brings up little things from years ago which suggest maybe she thinks we were never a good fit.

 

Over the years, I’ve been unhappy with our financial situation and I’ve been really stressed out. I went through a bit of a mid-life crisis last year where I was miserable with my job, where we lived, my social life and friends, and I’ve even suggested our kids were poorly raised. I think this was a breaking point for my wife, who feels I’ve never been happy with my life since we got married … always complaining about things … generally being very negative. She’s probably right. I’ve made some big changes in the last few months in this area, but it really seems it’s just too late. She apologizes for not being the most loving wife and giving me all that I deserve or the kind of love she has in her heart to give to a life partner.

 

She suggested marriage counseling, which I’m now pushing for. She’s hinting at a need for a separation. She cries all of the time and is overwhelmed with the guilt (she realizes I’m a good husband and father, have done nothing really “wrong”). She feels the kids will be better off with a happy mother.

 

I love my wife totally, but I’m pretty sure she is no longer in love with me. Now that she’s talked about our marriage being in shambles and talk of separation, it’s like there’s an 800 pound elephant in the room and it’s hard to be natural around her. She’s now suggested we hold off on any separation for a month or two to see if things can improve. I doubt they will, I must admit. I feel she needs the break from me to clear her mind and see if she can fall back in love with me.

 

Of course, I’m devastated. I love my kids so much. I cannot bear the thought of not being an everyday part of their lives . Me? A divorcee?? That wasn’t part of my life picture! We live in a very small town and I dread everyone knowing that we are separated.

 

Like most men, I missed the hints. Life got so busy and stressful. We can hardly find things to talk to each other about because of this tension.

 

I’ve ordered some books, but she doesn’t seem to think books are the way to go (although she’s open to it). We’re trying to find a marriage counselor. Some days I'm just in shock that this is reality. Other days I'm in denial. Some moments I even wonder if a separation/divorce could actually improve my life. Then I go back to thinking I'll die if I'm not living with my kids.

 

I’ve read some discussions on this forum and am taking some advice. I’m not begging or pleading her – I’m giving her space. But do I try to do “nice” things (like buy flowers, say I love you, etc.) or is that going to just push her away more?

 

Should I wait in this agony another month or two with a slim hope her feelings change or should I suggest I move out for a trial separation sooner?

 

Does separation have much success for making the heart grow fonder at this point?

 

-LD

[hopesndreams]

Should I wait in this agony another month or two with a slim hope her feelings change or should I suggest I move out for a trial separation sooner?

 

The longer you wait, the more chance for her to get her act together to leave you.

 

Do not move out of your home. You are not the one wanting to leave the M, she is. The quitter is the one that leaves.

 

Rule out the possibility of an OM. Investigate.

[reboot]

The 800 lb elephant in the room is very likely another man.

[2sure]

Separation is not something you do FIRST, thats for sure.

 

When she suggested putting off separation for a few months...did she mean putting off actually separating or was she referring to putting off the decision?

 

I ask this because that statement can indicate several things. Maybe she doesnt really want to separate, maybe she wants to try other things like MC. OR maybe she has a timeline or agenda you are unaware of.

 

For your marriage to recover, regardless of what has happened...all the cards, the truth, have got to be on the table. This is not the time to "wonder" about anything. MC is urgent. Make an appointment today. Make it yourself, take this on. MC, with the right therapist - will open some real communication between you and your wife. Not the first visit...its a process, so be prepared to set a new timeline for decisions.

 

As to nice things. Getting a baby sitter and doing things together alone, a date, as a couple ...is better than flowers and cards.

 

Your marriage is in crisis. Its not just in trouble. The trouble already happened and was not addressed. But all is not lost....a crisis forces a turning point - your marriage will get better than it ever has been or life will move in another direction. You both still have time to at least face one direction with some commitment.

[DadofTwoGirls]

By the time a women has analyzed her marriage...it's almost too late...when she starts talk of separation..she's already left you, not in the physical sense but in the emotional sense..in general what I've stated is true...in general time apart is the only true way to analyze HOW YOU FEEL about your marriage..although you are a great father as she says..if you were also a great husband why would she want out?..doesn't make sense (the first white lie)..the time apart will do wonders..you may find you even enjoy it more..take it from me:)..17yr marriage,2 daughters phsyically separated 1 1/2 mos..wife said she wasn't happy, she need time away, said I was great father...you really don't want to smother her at this time (trust me)..you need to let her get the time apart she craves..nothing you do (begging) can change her feelings at this time..she needs to know this, send it in a letter,email however but try it >>"I'm not sending you this because I can't or want to live without you, because I can live without you, I just don't want to live without you.' of course you need to give her space first..I was so sure my wife was done with me till last night when I was dropping my daughter off my daughter said "Dad, mom told me to tell you she misses you.", blew me away...trouble is although glad she said it..do I really want back in?..after time apart you will need to work on yourself to see what YOU want...good luck..it sucks...also every marriage is totally different from other marriages..the only common element is the result.

Edited May 26, 2010 by DadofTwoGirls

[You Go Girl]

Everytime I see these threads, I can't help but think these are women testing a guy's 'manhood'.

The approach to setting down the law on these things is difficult...because if she's thinking you're wimpy she will lash out if you try to set down the law.

But it is about demanding respect. Somehow you have to do that--demand respect for yourself and the marriage.

How you go about it, that's the tough part--the dynamics of your marriage and both personalities.

Ask her flat out if you separated if either of you would date others during that time.

Her answer will be telling.

And put off that separation as long as possible, including refusing to move out yourself.

Time apart to think it through always sounds to me like time apart to get used to being apart, and often enough, start playing the field.

[lostdad]

Thanks for all the feedback.

 

Regarding the delay, she wants to delay a decision, not delay the separation.

 

I can't imagine a OM, because I tend to always know where she is (I work from home), but I think I'll have to at least put that on the table.

 

DadOfTwoGirls: How old are your daughters?

 

She wants to get away for a weekend for some "intense" communication to kick-off an effort to fix things. She's fighting to get a sense of this "connection" that is so critical to her. With our kids and crazy lifestyle (our son can't sleep by himself so one of us is in his bed every night!), we have so little opportunity to talk.

 

We've called this recommended therapist twice, but no return call. I think I'll tell her we should just try another.

 

Thanks again! Keep 'em coming!

[reboot]

I can't imagine a OM, because I tend to always know where she is (I work from home), but I think I'll have to at least put that on the table.

 

I'm not trying to unnecessarily worry you or put ideas in your head, but this is an oft repeated story on here. However if you work from home and she has absolutely no opportunity, then perhaps I'm tilting windmills.

[lostdad]

Reboot: I'm going to find an opportune time today (if possible) and ask her in a diplomatic way.

[hopesndreams]

She's fighting to get a sense of this "connection" that is so critical to her.

 

How are you at jumping through hoops? Anything else, and well, it will be hands up for her coz she tried!!! Or, if you are really good at jumping through those hoops, she will see you as being a wuss and will then lose what little respect she has for you. Either way, you can't win, especially so if there is an OM.

 

As for therapy? Why throw away good money? Be darn certain there is not an OM.

 

She's delaying moving out because she wants you both to be "friends" when it's all over and done with. That way, she loses nothing.

 

10 years and 2 kids together. That's quite a lot to throw away without some very good reason to do so.

 

 

She feels the kids will be better off with a happy mother.

 

You can't make her happy. She needs to find happiness from within. Until she realizes that, she will only look toward others for such happiness.

[You Go Girl]

 

She wants to get away for a weekend for some "intense" communication to kick-off an effort to fix things. She's fighting to get a sense of this "connection" that is so critical to her. With our kids and crazy lifestyle (our son can't sleep by himself so one of us is in his bed every night!), we have so little opportunity to talk.

 

 

Why does a kid have to have a parent sleep with them?

 

The weekend away--the two of you, yes? That's actually a good sign. She wouldn't suggest it if there was another man.

[hopesndreams]

Why does a kid have to have a parent sleep with them?

 

The weekend away--the two of you, yes? That's actually a good sign. She wouldn't suggest it if there was another man.

 

It amazes me how many trips away to "reconnect" there actually are in relationships with cheaters.

[2sure]

BINGO.

 

One of you having to sleep with your son every night just so you can sleep....THERE is your missing connection.

 

Sleeping together or not is a much bigger deal than you are thinking. This seperation alone is undermining reconnecting with your spouse at night even if you have no intention of having sex. Its an enforced lack of intimacy (again, not sex) .

 

You hear it all the time ...the marriage has to come first so that the complete family can work. Hard to justify and even harder to do, I know. But true.

[reboot]

So many of us make what can often be a fatal mistake by putting our kids before our marriage.

[lostdad]

2Sure: I agree. I think that caused a lot of the erosion of that "connection". I think at this point, she likes sleeping separately. Who knows.

[2sure]

You're right. What started as a convenience, sleeping with your son...has now become the NORM. Because of the disconnect the sleeping arrangements and other things created...it now feels more comfortable to sleep apart.

 

I'm betting thats one of the first things the MC asks you to think about.

And I get it too. My daughter slept with me until she was ...5 or 6. I was a single mother so I never minded it...but then it became a real hassle even if I wanted to stay up late or god forbid go out or away. It became a great big deal (as well as with a few potential partners...a deal breaker). Plus, of course...doing it from the beginning was actually a disservice to my daughter.

[DadofTwoGirls]

Lostdad...my daughters are 11 and 9 yrs old...and sleeping apart is not good for either side (my biggest mistake of many)...I will say 1 thing (at least for me)..once the 'hint of separation or not feeling it anymore' is out there and you're still living together...it'll never be resolved..like you stated..an 800 lb elephant..it will be 2 tons in a few weeks..it's hard to suddenly reconnect with someone who's thrown out the 'I ain't feeling' line and not let it affect you..good luck..the ride does smooth out after time.

[lostdad]

DadofTwoGirls:

 

I agree. It's hard to be in the same room. Don't know if I should be acting a certain way to sway her feelings. If I'm quiet, does that reinforce that we have no connection. Ughhh.

 

Thanks again.

[Doing it Since '78]

DadofTwoGirls:

 

I agree. It's hard to be in the same room. Don't know if I should be acting a certain way to sway her feelings. If I'm quiet, does that reinforce that we have no connection. Ughhh.

 

Thanks again.

 

Bro,

 

It's not about you. It's about her. If she wants to roll, show her the door. This may be a ploy for attention, or it may be real. Either way only she knows what the real deal is (maybe), but it sounds like a MLC storm brewing. check out this website, it may help you in making sense of this:

 

http://womeninmlc.lefora.com/

[DadofTwoGirls]

IMHO..every marriage is different no matter how similar they seem..you're different from me or anyone else on here and same for your wife to other wives..the only common denominator is the emotions we go through and even that is different for everyone in the level we feel it anyway..you already said you were unhappy and that trickled down to everyone around you...I found out just how unhappy I was in my marriage only after she separated from me..but I learned it was me making me unhappy and not anything else..that is what I'm working on..I can't dwell on her actions or reasons after the fact..only what I can do from here on out..don't get me wrong..I couldn't work,sleep or eat the weeks after she told me how she felt..even now I have good and bad days but the bad days are now bad hours so it must be leveling off...as for your wife, her feelings at it this point are not going to change..there is history that brought her to feel this way, not something she conjured up overnight...separation might not be for everyone but IMHO..when it reaches this stage..then yes, separation is the only way to see which way the marriage goes..afterall you're both unhappy now..if at the end you're both happy isn't that what matters whether you reconcile or not?...but that's down the road..good luck.

[lostdad]

Yes, she's hinted she's feeling some mid-life crisis stuff. She's seeing a therapist too.

 

DadofTwoGirls: You and your situation sounds a lot like me/mine.

 

Thanks everyone.

[lostdad]

Well, it's been a while since I wrote in this forum. Last night, my wife and I decided to separate. She's fallen out of love with me, but hopes that a separation can give her clarity and decide if a reconciliation is a possibility. I'll be looking for another place to stay. I'm trying to think positive.

 

She says she thinks she should see a lawyer.

 

What should I do? See a lawyer (if so, for what reason)?

 

What other steps do you recommend I take (keep in mind I don't want to do anything hostile or confrontational that may make a divorce more likely)?

 

Thanks in advance.

[karnak]

Are you sure there really isn't another guy in the picture?

 

Your wife may not been having an affair, but she may have fallen in love with another guy. And now she wants to finish the marriage so that she can move forward.

 

I hope I'm wrong. And that everything goes well to you, mate.

[tank]

hi Lostdad, you need to stop looking for a place to live. Talk to a lawyer, if she is thinking about seeing one then she is not looking for a separation. She is looking for a divorce. The biggest mistake you could do is move out of the home. Stay at the home, tell her that she is the one who wants out of the marriage so she can leave. Most men think it is the norm for the man to leave and that the children should be with their mother! Why? as a father you have just as much right to tuck your children in at night, to see them everyday etc. Tell her, that you want your marriage and your family, if chooses to leave then so be it. Get to a lawyer right away, protect your rights. Let her start all over again, let her find a place to live and let her re build her own life. Dont wait, dont beg, and dont let her see your emotions at all. Keep your head on your shoulders and keep your emotions in check while around her. If you dont want to see a lawyer, talk about a separation agreement with her, see if she is keen on doing that instead of wasting money on lawyers etc. What ever you do, dont leave the home and dont give up your rights as a parent. i wish you the best of luck. keeps us posted

[Corporate]

Well, it's been a while since I wrote in this forum. Last night, my wife and I decided to separate. She's fallen out of love with me, but hopes that a separation can give her clarity and decide if a reconciliation is a possibility. I'll be looking for another place to stay. I'm trying to think positive.

 

She says she thinks she should see a lawyer.

 

What should I do? See a lawyer (if so, for what reason)?

 

What other steps do you recommend I take (keep in mind I don't want to do anything hostile or confrontational that may make a divorce more likely)?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

This is like a battle. And, you're fighting with your eyes blindfolded.

 

There is another man. Open your eyes. You can count on the fact that once you moved out, some man "friend" will come visit and sleep in YOUR bed with your wife while your kids are asleep next door.

 

Do you have access to all her passwords (email, bank account, cell phone, etc.?) Are there men working with her or at her work place? Bingo!

 

You need to know what you're dealing with before you can deal with it.