Newbie in despair

[ishmaiel]

The best way to deal with the elephant in the room is to recognize it and talk about it openly. Don't conspire to ignore it.

 

Whether your marriage can be saved - I don't know. Many here automatically assume that the spouse is having an affair, but don't let that influence you too much. Too many contributors to these forums fail to recognize that everyone's situation is different and, although generalities can be made about human behaviour, they should not be the first to be suggested.

 

I would recommend that you discuss with your wife what a happy marriage would look like. How would you know that you're happy? What would such a state be?

 

If you don't know - put your efforts into determining it. If you do, individually or as a couple, see whether you can (and want to) work towards it.

 

You mentioned that you (perhaps both of you) got busy, stressed and neglected the relationship. From this point on - break the habit. Be open (even though this is brutally difficult) and sincere. Although you do not have control over your wife's thoughts and actions - you have control over yours. Be decent, honest and fair to her, your children and yourself.

 

If you still love her - communicate it clearly, but just once. She'll know.

 

If you want to fight for the marriage - again, communicate it clearly, but just once.

 

All the best and good luck,

 

M

[karnak]

 

I would recommend that you discuss with your wife what a happy marriage would look like. How would you know that you're happy? What would such a state be?

 

If you don't know - put your efforts into determining it. If you do, individually or as a couple, see whether you can (and want to) work towards it.

 

You mentioned that you (perhaps both of you) got busy, stressed and neglected the relationship. From this point on - break the habit. Be open (even though this is brutally difficult) and sincere. Although you do not have control over your wife's thoughts and actions - you have control over yours. Be decent, honest and fair to her, your children and yourself.

 

If you still love her - communicate it clearly, but just once. She'll know.

 

If you want to fight for the marriage - again, communicate it clearly, but just once.

 

M

 

Easier said than done.

 

Unfortunately (as many people here know much too well). When a woman puts something in her mind, she never looses the determination to carry it forward. They are the ones who usually (almost always) resist any sort of sane dialogue or reflection upon their actions.

 

Unfortunately, many times this blind determinations leads them to their own misery.

[linwood]

I'll be looking for another place to stay. I'm trying to think positive.

 

She says she thinks she should see a lawyer.

 

What should I do? See a lawyer (if so, for what reason)?

 

What other steps do you recommend I take (keep in mind I don't want to do anything hostile or confrontational that may make a divorce more likely)?

 

I recommend you start being a little more confrontational in order to make a divorce LESS likely.

 

You can start with refusing to leave your house.

 

If she wants a separation she can leave.

 

Whoever stays in the home has the advantage in divorce proceedings regarding kids/house.

 

No insult intended but unless you start showing her otherwise she wil be thinking she`s not divorcing a man but a doormat.

 

Nobody cares about a doormat

[karnak]

I recommend you start being a little more confrontational in order to make a divorce LESS likely.

 

You can start with refusing to leave your house.

 

If she wants a separation she can leave.

 

Whoever stays in the home has the advantage in divorce proceedings regarding kids/house.

 

No insult intended but unless you start showing her otherwise she wil be thinking she`s not divorcing a man but a doormat.

 

Nobody cares about a doormat

 

All this "doormat" talk (not only here but on other threads as well) is getting quite silly.

 

If a woman or man really loves their spouses they will never treat them as doormats. Better yet, they will do everything so that their loved ones never need to act like one.

 

Lesson to remember, folks: your significant other is treating you like a doormat? Get a divorce and walk away... because that means they do not love you (Love=Respect). Unless you want to spend your life with someone who has no true love for you. Some people do, I guess.

[spriggig]

You lost, she left you two months ago, she's just been giving you some time to get over it while she researched the laws and found a lawyer.

 

STAY IN THE HOUSE. She want's out, she goes.

[habs53]

You lost, she left you two months ago, she's just been giving you some time to get over it while she researched the laws and found a lawyer.

 

STAY IN THE HOUSE. She want's out, she goes.

Yep i agree. Send her packing, my wife wanted the house and everything as well. There was not a hope that was happening. Tell her you will help her pack. Your wife is gone my friend, time to move on.

[Steadfast]

 

If a woman or man really loves their spouses they will never treat them as doormats. Better yet, they will do everything so that their loved ones never need to act like one.

 

 

Agree, but that doesn't seem to be the case with lostdad. Hard to read between the lines, but it sounds to me like she's setting him up for a soft landing. If I were a betting man, I'd wager she 'always wants him in her life' and has told him that she'll 'always love him'. Translation: 'I might need you someday and I'd like to know you'll be there'.

 

Like a...doormat.

 

 

Lesson to remember, folks: your significant other is treating you like a doormat? Get a divorce and walk away... because that means they do not love you (Love=Respect). Unless you want to spend your life with someone who has no true love for you. Some people do, I guess.

 

 

Again, I agree but this only comes with time karnak. Those lessons and that level of understanding can't be earned by telling. It'll take some time before he reaches this point. But, because he's basically a good person who loves his kids (and frankly, his wife) he no doubt will.

 

OP, listen to the advice being given here. Do NOT move out of your home. It isn't easy, but show her the door. I've been a full time, single dad for well over two years now (with no child support...) and I've gotten pretty good at it. Matter of fact, I'm a better housekeeper than she ever was-

[ishmaiel]

When a woman puts something in her mind, she never looses the determination to carry it forward. They are the ones who usually (almost always) resist any sort of sane dialogue or reflection upon their actions.

 

Unfortunately, many times this blind determinations leads them to their own misery.

 

Both a dramatic statement and likely informed by personal experience.

 

I completely disagree that women are somehow more bullheaded than men. But more importantly, sweeping generalizations only help ... in general.

[lostdad]

Thanks, again, for your thoughts.

 

I think I assumed I would leave the house because it would be more disruptive to my kids and their lives if they had to live in a new house.

 

I'll keep you posted. Yesterday she was very sad. I went out with friends and had a great time. I got home and she's already wondering if it's a mistake to separate.

 

Thanks again.

[What_Next]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this, I know from personal experience how hard it can be.

 

I agree, DO NOT leave. I also believe you need to consult an lawyer.

 

You did not mention what you have tried, or what she has tried or even what you have both tried together in the gap between your posts. Did anything prove positive? If you both did give it an honest try and you still agreed to seperate than in my opinion it is likely time to disolve the marriage.

[lostdad]

What Next: We went to one session with a marriage counselor. Her basic advice is that we need to focus more on each other, have date nights, etc.

 

I think my wife just feels that she can't "get it back" (read: love for me) with me in the house. She's been postponing a separation because of the pain and difficulties involved. She has wanted for her feelings to change. She sincerely hopes that a separation will help her get clarity and she may realize "What was I thinking?!?". But, right now, she doesn't feel it. I've tried to be the best husband and father ever to help change her mind, but that hasn't helped.

 

I wasn't Prince Charming, but I wasn't a bad husband. If we do end up reconciling, I have my own list of changes I want to see so that we just don't maintain the status quo. I want to feel very much loved and respected, something I haven't felt in a long time (possibly because I wasn't extremely lovable for years given the stress of trying to stay afloat financially, our young children, etc.)

 

We really don't want things to get hostile between us. I guess that's one reason I am reluctant to play it tough and say I'm staying, you and the kids go.

 

Ughhh.

[tank]

lost dad, I think you are missing mine and others point. IF she wants the separation then SHE leaves. Not her and the kids, just her! You stay in the home, you take care of the kids. Let her find a new place to live and worry about her life. You obviously want your family to stay together. You need to fight for it then. You dont have to be mean, but be firm and be a strong man. Let her know you want your family and your willing to do anything required to keep it. If she wants the separation then the consequenses of that action is she must move and start over with out you and your children. To often the man leaves the home as it has been the norm for so long. Get that thought out of your head. Stand up for yourself and the family. She needs to know what she stands to lose. Have you been to a lawyer yet? go talk to one, get a separation agreement done up for custody and child support etc. You can set a time limit in the agreement, so that if the separation goes on for more than 6 months the agreement can be reviewed etc. That way your not being a gerk to her, but she knows you mean business and she will suffer consequences for her decisions. Stay strong here, you and your family need that. Dont do what i did and make everything easy for her because you love her. Make her feel just what she stands to lose by leaving.

[2.50 a gallon]

Ket;s review

 

The MC suggested that the two of you should work on it, dates, etc.

 

She talking about a lawyer and wants you to leave

 

And you are afraid that things might go hostile.

 

Dude, she is talking about divorcing you and breaking up your family, does that sound hostile or what?

 

Get a lawyer, you are already in a war, and if she wants out let her leave, and she can leave the kids, that way she is abandoning the marriage.

 

Get yourself a voice activated recorder and keep it operational in your pocket at all times, so when she does tries hostile and try to provoke a fight to call the cops you butt is covered.

[pinkp]

Well, it's been a while since I wrote in this forum. Last night, my wife and I decided to separate. She's fallen out of love with me, but hopes that a separation can give her clarity and decide if a reconciliation is a possibility. I'll be looking for another place to stay. I'm trying to think positive.

 

She says she thinks she should see a lawyer.

 

What should I do? See a lawyer (if so, for what reason)?

 

What other steps do you recommend I take (keep in mind I don't want to do anything hostile or confrontational that may make a divorce more likely)?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

 

First of all, why in the sam hayle are you moving out ? She's the one that doesnt want the marriage so she should leave. If I were you I'd park my behind in my house. And believe me when you do leave there will be another man in your bed in your house sooner than later. The way it sounds to me is that she checked out months ago. She was just tryna get her bearings and figure a way out.

 

She may be seeing a lawyer for one of two things 1.) a separation agreement 2.) divorce. Both of which are no good. Neither of these hint at 'trying to work it out". If she's getting a lawyer you get one too. Just to be safe. I know you're sad, hurt and angry too. But dont leave your home. Thats a bad idea. I hope things get better. Good luck ! ((hugs))

[Steadfast]

 

What Next: We went to one session with a marriage counselor. Her basic advice is that we need to focus more on each other, have date nights, etc.

 

I think my wife just feels that she can't "get it back" (read: love for me) with me in the house. She's been postponing a separation because of the pain and difficulties involved. She has wanted for her feelings to change. She sincerely hopes that a separation will help her get clarity and she may realize "What was I thinking?!?".

 

 

Your MC is right; you do need to focus on each other. The reason it's not working? She isn't focusing on you...she's focusing on herself and how she feels. This is your real enemy. She can get all the best advice in the world but it won't do any good until she takes it. She doesn't want to...she wants you out of the house, or out of the way. This is bad and frankly, I think she's farther away then you realize. Don't let the tears fool you.

 

I agree with the others here who suggest there is someone, or something else behind the scenes. Does she work, or has she recently changed jobs? Does she hang out with single or divorced women? Has her friendship circle changed recently? Does she has a relative who recently became single?

 

What kind of tv shows or movies does she watch? What are her online habits? Lots of online 'EAs' (emotional affairs) going on these days, meaning she doesn't have to leave the house. Start looking. Now.

 

 

But, right now, she doesn't feel it. I've tried to be the best husband and father ever to help change her mind, but that hasn't helped.

 

 

It never does. What's going on in her head right now is attraction, or the lack of it concerning you. Frankly, kissing her ass will only make her feelings weaker. It's time to man up and stop worrying...

 

 

We really don't want things to get hostile between us. I guess that's one reason I am reluctant to play it tough and say I'm staying, you and the kids go.

 

 

...about upsetting her. Look, it is your call, but at some point you'll need to find your balls and make a stand. She's talking about putting you out of your home and destroying your family...and you don't want to upset her? That's messed up. OK, so you were not the best person you could have been. Join the club. If you didn't hit, cheat or lie to her, then you are more than worthy to receive the time and effort it takes to make things better between you. You can't work on your marriage if you're separated. In fact, the odds are overwhelming that if you do separate, your marriage will be OVER. Very, very few couples that split up ever get back together.

 

Why? Because they want you out of the way so they can be with SOMEONE ELSE! She'll tell you there isn't but expect non-stop lying from here out.

 

Your only chance to save this marriage is to stand up (and stand up to her) for what's right. You don't have to yell, throw things or be an a-hole about anything. Just calmly tell her your goal is to be happy and live in a happy family...with, or without her. She must buy in, or it's over.

 

Don't back down.

[HopelessinDTW]

What Next: We went to one session with a marriage counselor. Her basic advice is that we need to focus more on each other, have date nights, etc.

 

I think my wife just feels that she can't "get it back" (read: love for me) with me in the house. She's been postponing a separation because of the pain and difficulties involved. She has wanted for her feelings to change. She sincerely hopes that a separation will help her get clarity and she may realize "What was I thinking?!?". But, right now, she doesn't feel it. I've tried to be the best husband and father ever to help change her mind, but that hasn't helped.

 

I wasn't Prince Charming, but I wasn't a bad husband. If we do end up reconciling, I have my own list of changes I want to see so that we just don't maintain the status quo. I want to feel very much loved and respected, something I haven't felt in a long time (possibly because I wasn't extremely lovable for years given the stress of trying to stay afloat financially, our young children, etc.)

 

We really don't want things to get hostile between us. I guess that's one reason I am reluctant to play it tough and say I'm staying, you and the kids go.

 

Ughhh.

 

Lostdad: Your story is like deja vu to me. I felt the same way you did, and left for the sake of the children. does that put me at risk of losing the house...yes. fortunately she's done some pretty bad things to jeopardize her getting the house and custody of the kids...so I am hopeful. But realize that she's not thinking the same way you are. At this point, you really need to look out for yourself and the kids. Meaning, you do whatever it takes to get the kids and the house (if you really want the house). Go see a lawyer right away, I'll be you anything she already has and probably drawn up papers just in case. I'm also more than sure she has an OM or is actively looking for one. Most women "find themselves" by finding another person that pay attention to them (that's what my wife did, and she fell for it). Also, don't believe a word she's saying, at this point she's in a fog and will do whatever it takes to get her way and fool you into thinking whatever she wants...she probably has been doing this throughout your marriage anyways. The last two months I have found out that my stbx is a compulsive lier, and has been manipulating my thoughts throughout our marriage. Just realize that she's changed, and that you are now dealing with a different person. Although you may and she may want things to be civil, it can turn for the worst really fast. Good luck and keep us posted.

[movingon2]

I totally agree with not moving out as long as you own the house. I moved out because I was renting, BUT I took the kids with me and everything I needed to keep it normal for them. I have been taking care of them for 5 months pretty much all on my own. Financially all on my own and very little help from her watching the kids.

 

All stories are definitely different. Mine was having and EA and I suspected another guy.

 

Go see a lawyer for sure just to see what they say.

 

DON'T LEAVE, unless you don't want to have the kids most of the time. Honestly some guys might not be able to handle taking care of the kids the majority of the time. It doesn't sound like she is going to cause the children any harm so we don't want to be selfish and try and put them in the middle. Personally I love taking care of the kids. I am a much better father now than I was before.

 

Good luck, the emotions will get overwhelming at times so do your best to keep your cool with her and always remember don’t bad mouth her to the kids.

[spriggig]

You need to plan now for the worst--divorce.

 

If you plan on giving her primary custody, you will be paying her child support and maybe alimony.

 

Consider what may very well happen if you ALSO give her the house--she'll meet someone new, he will move into your house--the house you bought with her, the house you bought for both of you and your kids-- he'll sleep in your bed and become a father figure to your children AND YOU'LL BE PAYING HER AND HIM FOR THAT PRIVILEGE. You don't deserve that.

 

Trade her primary custody for the house if you can. It's only fair.

[keane2010]

Just my two cents, and I recognize that most people would disagree:

 

She says that she lost her love? Think about it: I don't think she originally fell in love with you because you appeared desperate. For some reason, she felt special for being chosen by you.

 

My wife admitted that she only dated me because she thought I was a 'hunk'. When I take my wife out to dinner, I love to open the door for her, and I like to follow her and let her know I'm checking her out. Later, I make it a point to walk in front, telling her how I noticed she keeps checking me out, so I want her to get a good look. Probably sounds stupid, but a little arrogant conflict seems to work.

 

If you're really good with the kids, maybe you can take an afternoon where it's obvious, pretend to scold her, telling her you know she's probably going for the camcorder, but she should save the tape for later.

 

My only point is to focus on what made her interested in the first place.

[twisted&alone]

I hate to sound like everyone else and not provide a new insight but, I agree. Do Not Leave Your Home or Your Kids. Something is going on with her and her tears could be tears for you, because you don't spend years with someone and not care. You really should look out for you and your kids until you know more. The hardest thing for all of us is to remove the "blinders" we often wear when we love someone. Stop listening to what she is speaking and hear what she isn't saying ... I know it hurts and it is so hard when you don't want what the other wants, but you must put your children first and you work from home so it would be logical for you to remain in the home.

 

I would never say she isn't coming back or may not be going through some type of emotional/mental issue; but now is not the time for empathy. Yes, be concerned but not at the cost of your children or yourself. Best of wishes to you, I hope things are not as they seem.