We like each other, but...

[Mr.P]

Hi all,

 

I posted this in the General Relationship Discussion forum on Monday, but thought I would try here too as it might be more appropriate. I do appreciate you taking the time to read this :-

 

 

A couple of months ago I split with my girlfriend as we both wanted different things and I couldn't give her what she wanted so we had to go our own seperate ways.

 

Even while I was with her, a few times a year for the last 3 years I would see another female friend of mine at certain events, but since we met up last year we have kept in touch more and more.

 

She was happily in a relationship as was I so in my opinion being friends with her was no big deal.

 

Anyway things turned pretty bad for her and they broke up so I was there to offer a perfectly innocent shoulder of support. A few months later my relationship went downhill and we split up. My friend returned the favour of being a shoulder for support, and after we had split up, my ex who I was trying to remain friends with noticed I had a txt from my friend just asking how I was. Well she thought I'd moved on already which was not the case and another argument was had. By this time I was developing a crush on my friend and whilst no flirting was going on, I liked her.

 

My friend went on holiday soon after and upon her return announced she had met someone on holiday and was head over heels in love with him. Knowing that the distance would be an issue she was prepared to give it 100% commitment. Needless to say I was a little bit dissappointed.

 

I saw her for the first time this year about 3 weeks ago and there was definitely a mutual attraction between us, it could be seen by friends from both sides! Being quite good friends already, I invited her to stay for a few nights at another event hosted by my local sports club, and she happily agreed and was looking forward to it. The day before that I was away from home and about an hour away from her area, so she asked me to pay her a visit and stay over. I of course obliged and after a few drinks in her local bar we got pretty close, and after we got home we made out. Knowing that she had a boyfriend in another country, we both felt guilty and we didn't sleep together that night. She was still coming up to see me the next day, so I set off in the morning as I had things to arrange still.

 

So in the afternoon she turns up and we have quite a few drinks, one thing lead to another and we share a night of wild passion. We knew it was wrong but it just felt so good and so right!

 

Next morning was a case of head holding in hands, it never happened etc but even the next night we still shared a bed cuddling up together with a little kiss.

 

Although we kept what happened between us amongst ourselves, that weekend was obvious to so many that there was something between us and I really wish we could have developed it. After she got back home she realised what she had done and regretted the whole thing. I said I did too but I wished it could have happened under different circumstances so neither of us felt bad about it. She shortly afterwards told me that she only came up to see me because other than her boyfriend, I'm the only one she has any kind of feelings for. But! All we can be for now is just friends.

 

The next day we were chatting away, about us sleeping together and it got pretty intense. I was telling her how amazing it was for me and she was saying she did enjoy it and paid me a few compliments too It went on for like half an hour and we were both pretty aroused just talking and thinking about it. Again another bout of guilt the next day and we both felt we shouldn't have discussed it the way we did.

 

Last night I went to see her again but I had a hotel booked so wasn't going to drink as I had an hour to drive back to the hotel afterwards. She told me when I got there that I was more than welcome to stay over again, and so off to her local bar we went again. I remembered a few faces from last time and they were surprisingly happy to see me. I was told that they all thought something was going on between us too.

 

I stayed over again, no kissing this time and I was there when she phoned her foreign boyfriend. Listening to all the "I love you so much" etc wasn't all that pleasant but hey, I just smiled through it as I knew all we could be is just friends. We moved to the couch and she was leaning on me, gently stroking my arm with her finger so I put my arm round her and we had a little cuddle before heading to our seperate beds.

 

We went out for breakfast this morning and went on our own seperate ways. Even now we are txting back and forth every few minutes, and she's coming up to see me this weekend again for 3 nights.

 

I just don't know what to do! There is something there between us and I've told her already how I feel about her but completely understand that all we can be is friends at the moment as she has a boyfriend who she loves more than anyone she has loved before. I can't say to her that it's a big mistake especially with the distance / language / culture barrier, and she'd be better off with me but I really really like her! Close to using the "L" word.

 

Any thoughts on what I should do? I would appreciate your comments!

[TaraMaiden]

Hi all,

 

 

So in the afternoon she turns up and we have quite a few drinks, one thing lead to another and we share a night of wild passion. We knew it was wrong but it just felt so good and so right!

It's either wrong, or right. Which one?

 

all we can be is friends at the moment as she has a boyfriend who she loves more than anyone she has loved before.

 

What utter bullcrap.

No she doesn't.

If she did, phukking you would be the very last thing on her mind. She would avoid you, tell you it can never happen, and let you go, quite firmly keeping her distance from you.

 

Any thoughts on what I should do? I would appreciate your comments!

The fairest thing to demand of her is that she either split up with him, and stay with you, or that you no longer see each other and stop all contact.

She's a liar and a cheater, and you're playing into it.

 

It's either one or the other.

You can't have both.

And neither can she.

Bear in mind that if she leaves him, and decides to be with you.... she may well meet another guy down the road she opens her legs for, and tells him while she's in bed with him, that she "has a boyfriend who she loves more than anyone she has loved before."

 

That would be you.

 

keep that in mind, ok?

[Mr.P]

Thanks TaraMaiden, I guess it took someone else to point that out!

 

I won't put that ultimatum to her yet as I know which way it will go and we both didn't want to fall out with each other over it, we did discuss if what happened weekend before last would ruin our friendship and although I wanted more, I agreed there was no reason why we need to fall out over it.

 

Seriously though thanks for your message, your last few lines were an eye opener and whilst she's still coming up this weekend, I'll try not to screw things up! I just want to be there for her incase things don't work with her foreign LDR boyfriend who doesn't understand her, and gives her a hard time over meeting friends etc.

[TaraMaiden]

Just a question...

is this what she told you about him, or have you heard this behaviour from him...?

It makes a difference, you see.... people can tell you anything to make you feel sympathy for them....

How would he react if he found out what she was doing to him?

If you were him, would you be happy with what she's doing?

 

huh??

[jadepeony]

 

Knowing that the distance would be an issue she was prepared to give it 100% commitment.

 

 

I'm sorry, it seems like this girl is someone who isn't worthy of being trusted. Also, other than the whole alcohol-induced passion you described to share with this girl, do you have a deep emotional connection with her? If she doesn't feel the same for you, then doesn't it seem like she's using you to satisfy her physical/sexual needs when her boyfriend isn't around? This girl seems really selfish.

[Mr.P]

Thank you again for your replies

 

TaraMaiden - This is what she told me, and before she phoned him when I was there, she told me that if he didn't understand the fact that we go out to celebrate friends birthdays, then it wasn't going to work. I heard him apologise for his lack of understanding when she phoned. I can only imagine how he would feel if he found out, which is most of where the guilt lies.

 

Jadepeony - I have thought about that, and I do think you might be right. If I took a step back then all she would have is a LDR with no male contact with someone she likes. But that also means our friendship could be over.

 

She'll be here in 48 hours, so I will see how it goes and decide what to do. Thanks again your your comments

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you again for your replies

 

TaraMaiden - This is what she told me,

I suspected as much.....

 

and before she phoned him when I was there, she told me that if he didn't understand the fact that we go out to celebrate friends birthdays, then it wasn't going to work. I heard him apologise for his lack of understanding when she phoned.

So the one and only time you heard them speak, he actually apologised for his behaviour.....so he was actually being quite reasonable....

You see, this happens all the time, and we all do it.... I will admit, in the past, I probably did this myself.... put myself in a better light, to garner some sympathy, and justify the wrong actions we do....

This was my point. If she paints her BF in a poorer light than is actually true, you'll be more inclined to feel less guilty and be more sympathetic when you have sex with her.

 

if she had told you "My BF is wonderful. He's lovely, considerate, understanding and generous, and he was just a bit cross about my going out with others, because he misses me so much and wishes he could be with me. It frustrates him to be so far away, because he is loving, kind and wants to be with me."

 

Would you feel ok having sex with her, if she described him this way?

 

I can only imagine how he would feel if he found out, which is most of where the guilt lies.

so really.... what the hell compelled you to do it? Really?

[Mr.P]

Well she came up for the weekend and we were practically a couple from as soon as she arrived. We discussed what her options were and what her heart wanted, pretty much going through every one of your points TaraMaiden, but she decided that she wanted to give it a go with her LDR boyfriend as he has given so much love to her already, despite the fact she can't have any physical contact which is what I was giving her. She did tell me once she got home that she really missed me, despite the fact that that is wrong.

 

She does believe she has ruined our friendship and thinks that I should be running a mile, so although I'm seeing her again tonight and this weekend I don't know if I should, but I really like her

[TaraMaiden]

This is no longer a friendship. It has crossed boundaries, and there will always be the fact between you that you are not friends, in he conventional sense. You are lovers.

Every time you look at her, you will think "we've had sex, she's hot and I want her."

It will be there, between you, for good.

Every time she looks at you she will think the same.

It's not going to go away.

But you are different, because you are filling the gap while the BF is away..

This is unfair, on both you and him.

If you think the atmosphere is difficult to stomach now - how is it going to be when he's over, visiting, or worse, back for good?

You won't be able to look her in the face, much less him.....

 

She's a cheater.

She's using you as a convenient comfort-zone and FWB. Friend With Benefits.

Unpalatable as it might be, unsavoury and uncomfortable - you MUST stop seeing her.

For good.

She's right about the friendship being ruined.

You only have yourselves to blame for that, because you are the ones who moved the goalposts and changed the rules.

Well now you have to pay the dues and face the consequences.

The only way through this, is apart.

Remember she is now living a lie. She has to conceal this from her BF and she has this on her conscience.

Every time she speaks to him, or sees him, she thinks of this.

 

You have to stop seeing her. Period, and end of story.

Completely.

Cut all contact off, and do not have anything else to do with her.

Otherwise, it will all end far more dreadfully.