Well...NOW what do I do?

[JustJoe]

I found out, from a mutual friend, that my ex-AP is getting a divorce. After hearing this, I answered her latest e-mail, and she desperately wants us to get back together. She was quick to make sure I knew that she is the one who filed. So what the "F", do I do now? I ended the affair, because I could no longer take the deceit and guilt. I forced D-Day to show her that she would never leave her rich husband. Well, she did. I have no idea, how to handle this developement.

[anne1707]

Are you sure this is not just because she is scared to be on her own? Or thats it really was her that filed?

 

I would suggest that you keep away, telling her that once the divorce is finalised and if she still wants to be with you then you may be willing to listen to her then - no guarantees though. She needs to be on her own for a while otherwise she will move from being dependent on her H to being dependent on you. She must prove to you that she actually means what she says and actions speak far louder than words.

[reboot]

What you you WANT to do? What we think doesn't matter. I bet I know the answer to that question already though.

 

I agree with anne, wait for the divorce to be final if you choose to try again with her. And take it slow. Even a much wanted divorce will leave scars. It will take some time before she's truly "single", before you can really judge things.

[2sure]

She has demonstrated herself to practiced in the art of deception. Dont take anything at face value.

[whichwayisup]

I found out, from a mutual friend, that my ex-AP is getting a divorce. After hearing this, I answered her latest e-mail, and she desperately wants us to get back together. She was quick to make sure I knew that she is the one who filed. So what the "F", do I do now? I ended the affair, because I could no longer take the deceit and guilt. I forced D-Day to show her that she would never leave her rich husband. Well, she did. I have no idea, how to handle this developement.

Why wouldn't she wait until AFTER she was divorced to contact you? I smell a rat and I doubt very much she was the one who intiated the divorce. Is there any way to find out who actually filed? Not sure how you trust her on that one...

 

How do you handle it? Don't do anything. Stay out of it and away from her. Tell her to call you after the Divorce is final and after she's had time alone. Do NOT go running to her or allow her to run to you now, or right after the D is final.

 

TAKE IT SLOW when you two do get together. Date her. Get to know her in a different dynamic. NO sex, and again, take it slow.

[JustJoe]

Thanks , posters, I really needed that. I called her lawyer, this morning and he said that, yes, she was the one who filed. But then again, this is what I didn't want to happen. I don't want to have to check up on her to see whether she is being honest with me or not. I know, that in a perfect world, there is no other woman, who can love me, like she can. So, if ALL she says turns out to be true, and she is truly changed, then what? I've faced men in battle, but nothing has had me all over the board, like this. Right now, I don't know whether to hope, fear, f**k, fight or run. And if I run, which direction? Away from her, or towards her?

[marlena]

Thanks , posters, I really needed that. I called her lawyer, this morning and he said that, yes, she was the one who filed. But then again, this is what I didn't want to happen. I don't want to have to check up on her to see whether she is being honest with me or not. I know, that in a perfect world, there is no other woman, who can love me, like she can. So, if ALL she says turns out to be true, and she is truly changed, then what? I've faced men in battle, but nothing has had me all over the board, like this. Right now, I don't know whether to hope, fear, f**k, fight or run. And if I run, which direction? Away from her, or towards her?

 

 

Hi Joe,

 

Amazing developments! I have often thought about what I would do if that happened to me. It took me a while but I know I now have my answer. However, every person is different and so is every relationship.

 

I think you did right by calling her lawyer especially since she has deceived you before according to what you have written here. My exMM pulled this stunt on me, quite a few times, actually. Even went so far as to leave and come live with me before he succumbed to pressure and guilt and eventually, months later, returned.

 

You say no other woman can love you the way she does but you do not mention your own feelngs about her.

 

Here are some things to consider:

 

a) what was the relationhip like in the affair. How did it end? Are is any lingering resentment or hostility?

b) Do you trust her?

c) How much would her previous life affect the two of youif you were to continue? Any children?

d) All feelings of passion,love,lust,attraction aside, do you think the two of you are compatible? Would you work well together?

 

These are just a few the thoughts that would be coursing through my mind. Try to imagine what life would be like with her oh, say, five years from now. At any rate, you don't have to make an immediate decision. Some posters mention waiting until she is properly divorced which I agree is a good idea.

 

Anyway, I can sense your excitement and hope it all works out well for you.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks , posters, I really needed that. I called her lawyer, this morning and he said that, yes, she was the one who filed. But then again, this is what I didn't want to happen.

 

And he told you? Sorry but that's abit odd that he would give that type of information out.

 

I don't mean to plant more doubt in your head, but what if she told her lawyer to tell you that?

 

You are always going to have mistrust towards her. How can you fully trust this woman after everything that's been said and done? The flip side is, the D is going to happen, reguardless of you or not.

 

Just take things slow. NOONE changes this quickly. It'll be a while before that happens, it's a daily process, not something that happens over night.

 

Another thing, she may have mistrust towards you too, since you were the OM, the guy who helped her cheat on her H.

[JustJoe]

WWIU, I got to know her lawyer, during the affair. Maybe she told him to tell me, and maybe not, but I agree with you, I would have to see the actual paperwork, before making up my mind about it.

[reboot]

Maybe I'm dense. Why does it matter who filed?

[JustJoe]

Boot, if you've read my posts, this has been going on for years. She is a trophy wife of a very, very rich man. She would leave him, we would "shack up", together, but he would buy her some new toy, or vacation, or something to get her to come back to him. I guess that if she filed, it MIGHT show that she has made a final choice, and is sincere, rather than her H giving up and dumping her.

[JustJoe]

Are you sure this is not just because she is scared to be on her own? Or thats it really was her that filed?

 

I would suggest that you keep away, telling her that once the divorce is finalised and if she still wants to be with you then you may be willing to listen to her then - no guarantees though. She needs to be on her own for a while otherwise she will move from being dependent on her H to being dependent on you. She must prove to you that she actually means what she says and actions speak far louder than words.

Anne, my sentiments, exactly. I don't want to take anything on faith. For the foreseeable future, proof will be required.

[JustJoe]

I don't know whether to be hopeful or fearful.

[hopesndreams]

I don't know whether to be hopeful or fearful.

 

You're hopeful.

 

You haven't learned much from being on these boards huh?

 

Good luck to you.

[BB07]

I don't know whether to be hopeful or fearful.

 

 

Nothing wrong with being both.

 

Obviously you still love this woman.....just try to take it slow and realize that she is going to have a lot of baggage from the impending divorce and of course you and her will have your own from the affair itself.

 

Life and love isn't easy you know..........

[JustJoe]

TELL me about it , BB. I'm leaving the Army, moving, and starting a new job.....and now this.

[2sunny]

I don't know whether to be hopeful or fearful.

 

no need to be either... WAIT... wait until the D is FINAL. then and only then will you know if she really intends to get finished with her games of sucking you back in by creating false hope.

 

do not respond... except to tell her that YOU won't participate until her D is completely FINAL.

 

tell her, in the meantime, you intend to get busy living the happy life you intended to have... with or without her.

[JustJoe]

I agree, Sunny, that it is way too early to tell, but she is definitely making the right noises. She has left his house, and given back almost everything he bought her ( except her car, and clothes). My friend , says that she is looking , "radiant", and seems more at peace and more mature than she has ever been. All she wants to talk about, it seems , is me.:D

[Jilly Bean]

I called her lawyer, this morning and he said that, yes, she was the one who filed.

 

I wasn't aware that attorneys gave out this kind of information to anyone. What happened to attorney/client privilege?

 

Regardless - she cheated on her husband with you. What makes you think she'd do you any differently?

[JustJoe]

Jill, this is a long story, but the short version, is that the proof is in her actions. She is divorcing her (very, very, rich ) H to be with me. In every way , except money, she has been mine for 3-4 years.

[Jilly Bean]

Jill, this is a long story, but the short version, is that the proof is in her actions. She is divorcing her (very, very, rich ) H to be with me. In every way , except money, she has been mine for 3-4 years.

 

She's been married to another man all this time, right? So, she wasn't yours. She was someone else's wife.

 

But, have at it. You have seen who she is (a cheater) and what she is capable of (lying, betrayal). If this is what you want, then I wish you the best with her.

[JustJoe]

I know what you're saying, Jill, and am being very cautious, but I DO know her better than anyone else, and am confident that she is trying very hard to change. If I see it, then I might try with her, again.