An Intimate Question about LDR's and Intimacy.

[Spiritofnow]

I guess this is more of a query than a request for help, and or advise.

 

I don't expect people to be specific, but I would really like to get a balanced view-point on the dynamics of intimacy while people are in LDR's.

 

Now I know there are going to be a lot of individual differences in any of the answers that people may give, but that is okay. I just want to find an overall balanced view point of this dynamic in order for me to understand how I feel about it. I am trying to understand how this dynamic effects me and what is acceptable for me, and I know a lot of you guys will have had varying experiences : )

 

Is being intimate while you are apart just as important to you as it would be while you are together? or does it tend to go on the back burner due to things like time differences, work and/or finding appropriate times to be together?

 

Do you find inventive ways to be intimate while you are apart - like sending sexy emails or while on the phone?

 

Do you think you should make an effort to continue letting each other know that you are desired while you are apart or do you wait until you are together again?

 

Do you think that the length of time you have been in a relationship alters how you display your intimate affections towards your partner while you are apart?

 

Do you think that people in LDR's should feel secure about how attractive they are to their partner due to the constraints of the distance?

 

I think that is everything.

 

ps I apologise if this seems like a list - as I said they are queries based on my own thoughts.

 

Thank you in advance for answering.

Edited May 27, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[Spiritofnow]

I hope people realise that this is genuine? I could really, really do with some feedback from those in LDR's. I really need to understand how I feel about the dynamics of this in comparison with other people before I discuss it with my SO.

 

Thanks

[zebracolors]

I feel that intimacy should still happen when you are away from your partner definitely. Letting the other know you still desire them would be good to keep that bond. All depends on the people involved. Some might not feel comfortable with speaking and being intimate over the phone/skype. but letting them know you still want them will assure them that when you can be with them face to face again, that the desire is still just as strong as it was at the start.

 

And I can see how over time, both could become more comfortable, open and uninhibited with each other. Time would also effect how each views themselves in appearance possibly. They come to know there is someone out there who wants them just the way they are, and so they don't really care too much if others don't think they are cute, handsome or hot, etc.

[Els]

Weird, for some reason I didn't see your post earlier!

 

I

Is being intimate while you are apart just as important to you as it would be while you are together? or does it tend to go on the back burner due to things like time differences, work and/or finding appropriate times to be together?

 

Back burner mostly, because it's just so much better IRL I guess. It's like tasting gourmet chocolate, then going back to Walmart's. You'd probably feel inclined to eat less of it.

 

Do you find inventive ways to be intimate while you are apart - like sending sexy emails or while on the phone?

 

We do.

 

Do you think you should make an effort to continue letting each other know that you are desired while you are apart or do you wait until you are together again?

 

Should and will are different things, I suppose. It is far, far, FAR easier to express desire IRL than it is in an LDR, especially for people who aren't very verbose about such things.

 

Do you think that the length of time you have been in a relationship alters how you display your intimate affections towards your partner while you are apart?

 

Yes.

 

Do you think that people in LDR's should feel secure about how attractive they are to their partner due to the constraints of the distance?

 

I believe this is very important, yes. One of the biggest mistakes I made in my R was needing *constant* reassurance. Nobody deserves to have that sort of onus placed on them, IMO. A balance is good.

[Spiritofnow]

Thanks, guys.

 

Those few insights have helped me already

 

I guess, there is a part of me that agrees with you, Elswyth, in that once you have experienced each other IRL it can feel like you are taking a step backwards to try anything else while you are apart. My SO tells me that he desires me, but he doesn't express it any other way while we are apart - there are other sensitive issues that also surround this subject, but for the most part he is always very loving. I am secure in that he does find me attractive and desires me, but I do miss feeling attractive to him while we are apart - I guess, it feels like the intimacy part of our relationship goes on hold until we are together again.

 

I am okay with that, but it does concern me, because it makes it harder for me to ascertain exactly how we fit together all the time IRL. I guess, I have been feeling that there should be some form of intimacy between us while we are apart, and it's probably the 'should' that makes this an issue. I guess, I need to remember that there are no real shoulds, and only what feels good and healthy for each of us. Yeah, we need a balance of both our needs.

 

I guess, my concern comes from not knowing what is okay/acceptable/reasonable/balanced. Hence this post.

 

I am still unsure how I truly, truly feel, but I am getting a clearer picture for myself.....probably need a little more time.

 

Thank you both : )

[Els]

I have trouble with that too, OP. But I have come to realize that there is no point struggling for a 'perfect and whole' LDR... because the sheer mechanics make it impossible. There will be detrimental points such as lack of intimacy... and we just have to deal with it as long as it does not go beyond out limits. I think this is where defining our 'needs' and 'wants' in a R is very important.

[Spiritofnow]

But I have come to realize that there is no point struggling for a 'perfect and whole' LDR... because the sheer mechanics make it impossible...

 

-- so true! I think my questions have come from the fact that we have been discussing me moving out there next year. I just want to be sure that the issues I sometimes feel while we are apart are due to the distance and nothing more.

 

 

There will be detrimental points such as lack of intimacy... and we just have to deal with it as long as it does not go beyond our limits. I think this is where defining our 'needs' and 'wants' in a R is very important.

 

Agree, agree, agree.....I think I have not gone beyond my limits as yet, which is why we have in part started to discuss the process of me moving out there next year - I think I would struggle if it was for any longer than that.

 

 

 

I find myself agreeing with you quite a lot Elswyth I awlays find your posts balanced, coherent and thoughtful.

 

THANKS!!!!!!

Edited May 27, 2010 by Spiritofnow

[Els]

Thanks, Spirit! I find it uncanny how alike some of our thought processes are, actually.

 

'I think my questions have come from the fact that we have been discussing me moving out there next year. I just want to be sure that the issues I sometimes feel while we are apart are due to the distance and nothing more.'

 

This was a HUGE problem I had as well! To be very honest, I don't really know the solution to this. We will never know the answer - some people deal with it by looking back at how he acts during your times together... and while that is no guarantee, there will never be any, even if you had been together IRL. The many sad threads by women who have lost their husband's intimacy to porn, cheating, addictions, etc are testament to that.

 

I personally dealt with it by looking his place up and reading all the rave reviews about it being a beautiful and great country... and thus I told myself that even if things don't work out between us (which they will, hopefully, things have been looking up a lot recently), I will have had the experience of living in a country like that for 6 months... and I figured that that wasn't too bad a deal.

[carvidep]

I think we would both like to be intimate on webcam but we don't get to it as often. Probably the thing that is holding us up the most is embarrassment. We have done it though, quite a bit, especially early in our relationship. The last time we were messing around on the webcam my cat decided to interrupt things by parading in front of the camera at the most inopportune moments. Then she would leave, I would try to continue, and she would come back close enough to where her tail was on screen, or something along those lines. Very distracting!!

 

She does it in rl, too. Since my SO has been here she has successfully interrupted almost every lovemaking session we've had. Once we forgot to close the door and she jumped on the bed, missed, and then scrambled to climb back on. She's batted my hair, played with our toes, and sometimes (while kissing) she will get her face real close to ours and be all like "meow meow meow".

 

And yes, I have attempted to lock her out of the room, but then she goes into freak out mode and starts scratching the door or getting her paws underneath it.

 

LOL, I meant to talk about sex and webcamming but totally got distracted with my cat's insecurities.

 

Your story totally made my day

 

OP, my SO and I maintain intimacy with the distance in various ways. one of my favorites is adding a short but saucy little note detailing what we'd like to do together (if you know what I mean) at the end of each e-mail we write. Sometimes it's as innocent as him resting his hand on my hand or kissing me on the cheek, and other times it gets... well, more personal.

 

It helps me feel like he not only appreciates me as a person and a best friend, but it also makes me feel beautiful and wanted. It gets to the point where I'll see a hot guy run by me with six pack abs and I think to myself, "meh, he's not my sweetie" haha.

[Spiritofnow]

I think we would both like to be intimate on webcam but we don't get to it as often. Probably the thing that is holding us up the most is embarrassment. We have done it though, quite a bit, especially early in our relationship. The last time we were messing around on the webcam my cat decided to interrupt things by parading in front of the camera at the most inopportune moments. Then she would leave, I would try to continue, and she would come back close enough to where her tail was on screen, or something along those lines. Very distracting!!

 

She does it in rl, too. Since my SO has been here she has successfully interrupted almost every lovemaking session we've had. Once we forgot to close the door and she jumped on the bed, missed, and then scrambled to climb back on. She's batted my hair, played with our toes, and sometimes (while kissing) she will get her face real close to ours and be all like "meow meow meow".

 

 

 

 

And yes, I have attempted to lock her out of the room, but then she goes into freak out mode and starts scratching the door or getting her paws underneath it.

 

LOL, I meant to talk about sex and webcamming but totally got distracted with my cat's insecurities.

 

You have no idea how hard I laughed while reading your post - ha ha ha ha ha ha. Thank you, you totally made my day too

 

ps I have two kitties :eek:

[Spiritofnow]

Your story totally made my day

 

OP, my SO and I maintain intimacy with the distance in various ways. one of my favorites is adding a short but saucy little note detailing what we'd like to do together (if you know what I mean) at the end of each e-mail we write. Sometimes it's as innocent as him resting his hand on my hand or kissing me on the cheek, and other times it gets... well, more personal.

 

It helps me feel like he not only appreciates me as a person and a best friend, but it also makes me feel beautiful and wanted. It gets to the point where I'll see a hot guy run by me with six pack abs and I think to myself, "meh, he's not my sweetie" haha.

 

I love this!!!! This is exactly what I wanted to hear!!! "Beautiful and wanted" - exactly!!! I am going to pass this one on to my SO. Actually, I have to say how proud of him I am. This is a difficult subject area for him, and he has totally accepted some of my ideas and thoughts. Every time we have something in our relationship that needs a little tweaking he totally supports me and agrees that we should work as a team. I can't wait to share what you have said, because they are simple and very sweet ideas.

 

Good for you.

 

Thank you so much for sharing

[carvidep]

I love this!!!! This is exactly what I wanted to hear!!! "Beautiful and wanted" - exactly!!! I am going to pass this one on to my SO. Actually, I have to say how proud of him I am. This is a difficult subject area for him, and he has totally accepted some of my ideas and thoughts. Every time we have something in our relationship that needs a little tweaking he totally supports me and agrees that we should work as a team. I can't wait to share what you have said, because they are simple and very sweet ideas.

 

Good for you.

 

Thank you so much for sharing

 

Glad I could help! That's great that you and your SO can solve problems together as a team.

 

A recommendation- try something without telling him about it beforehand. eg.: the note at the end of an e-mail. telling him about it beforehand might make it feel more 'structured' and almost mandatory. play around with some ideas and keep going with the ones he seems to reciprocate and enjoy the most.

Edited May 29, 2010 by carvidep

[Citizen Erased]

Is being intimate while you are apart just as important to you as it would be while you are together? or does it tend to go on the back burner due to things like time differences, work and/or finding appropriate times to be together?

 

Just as important for us, without a doubt. I have a high sex drive, he has especially brought that out of me since this started. We have an almost impossible time difference but there is definite intimacy in our relationship, has been from the get go. We may have to satisfy ourselves for the time being but doesn't mean the other can't be involved. Thank God for webcam.

 

Do you find inventive ways to be intimate while you are apart - like sending sexy emails or while on the phone?

 

Our msn conversations would make Larry Flynt blush. I swear my grandfather saw one of our conversations, I was typing on my iPhone...oops.

 

Do you think you should make an effort to continue letting each other know that you are desired while you are apart or do you wait until you are together again?

 

I should and I do, he does the same. I want him and he knows it, he will always know it.

 

Do you think that the length of time you have been in a relationship alters how you display your intimate affections towards your partner while you are apart?

 

I'll have to see. We became very comfortable with being intimate in the ways we can very quickly, I doubt it will get dull. He's fun and sexy and I wasn't getting what I needed for a VERY long time, in my last relationship. We both provide something our ex partners weren't giving us.

 

Do you think that people in LDR's should feel secure about how attractive they are to their partner due to the constraints of the distance?

 

That really depends on how secure you are in your partner, your relationship. I don't think it's that different from any other relationship in that regard.

[aerogurl87]

Ok, so my boyfriend is in school at the moment, so I have some downtime to answer your questions.

Is being intimate while you are apart just as important to you as it would be while you are together? or does it tend to go on the back burner due to things like time differences, work and/or finding appropriate times to be together?

To me it is just as important. When my boyfriend and I were apart for the first 3 months or so, we'd always send flirty/sexy texts to each other randomly if one of us was feeling somewhat frisky (and that was always nice ) or we'd have phone sex. We never put it on the back burner because intimacy is big for both of us and we both think it's a good idea to keep that up, even if you can't be with the other person physically at the moment.

 

Do you find inventive ways to be intimate while you are apart - like sending sexy emails or while on the phone?

Just answered this, but yes, sexy texts and being sexy on the phone or webcam is always a good way to be intimate with your partner if they're not around.

 

Do you think you should make an effort to continue letting each other know that you are desired while you are apart or do you wait until you are together again?

Definitely. I want to feel desired by my partner and I know he feels the same way. Therefore making that extra effort to tell the other person you're thinking of them or missing them is very very important. Without it, your relationship has a much lower chance of surviving in my opinion.

 

Do you think that the length of time you have been in a relationship alters how you display your intimate affections towards your partner while you are apart?

For me it doesn't. I'm a naturally affectionate person, so my affection seems to only increase over time. And for me a LDR only makes me want to be more affectionate to my partner because I know he doesn't always have me here to cuddle him, hold his hand, massage his back, etc. So I try my best to up the ante I guess you could say, when I'm away.

 

Do you think that people in LDR's should feel secure about how attractive they are to their partner due to the constraints of the distance?

I think they should, feeling like your partner wants you is conducive to having a healthy relationship whether it be local or long distance.

[electricity]

Is being intimate while you are apart just as important to you as it would be while you are together? or does it tend to go on the back burner due to things like time differences, work and/or finding appropriate times to be together?

Well, it's still important, but it tends to go a little bit more on backburner compared to when we're together. We have phone sex pretty regularly, but not as often as we'd have sex when together.

 

Do you find inventive ways to be intimate while you are apart - like sending sexy emails or while on the phone?

We use texts/IMs as foreplay, then hop on the phone to finish the act. I especially enjoy how I can turn him on at any time with a simple text.

 

Do you think you should make an effort to continue letting each other know that you are desired while you are apart or do you wait until you are together again?

I think it's natural to continue. I want the relationship to continue to develop and grow just as it would if we were non-LD, both physically and emotionally. Otherwise it would've taken me much much longer to be ready to have sex with him.

 

Do you think that the length of time you have been in a relationship alters how you display your intimate affections towards your partner while you are apart?

Definitely; I'd say this is no different than being in a non-LD relationship. I'd wait before having sex in a new relationship; likewise, I'd wait before having phone sex in a LDR. I appreciate that he waited until I was ready for sex, and I equally appreciate that he waited until I was ready for phone sex.

 

Do you think that people in LDR's should feel secure about how attractive they are to their partner due to the constraints of the distance?

You have to, otherwise you'll go insane. That's why both people should remind their partner just how attractive they are. How that's done depends on the individual couples. My bf will randomly text me about how he misses a particular part of my body, be it eyes, lips, boobs, legs, etc. It brightens up my day to know that he's thinking about me.