Establishing timelines for moving/ending LDR

[stace79]

Just looking for anyone with experience/opinions -- my ex and I are seeking counseling and working hard to repair our relationship. We've been LD since July 2009, but broke up for a good four or five months (Oct - March).

 

Assuming all continues to go well, I'm curious what people think about eventually moving to be with your LD SO.

 

 

• Move in together or separate places in the new town?
  
• Wait 'til engaged to move?
  
• Who moves where?
  

If you've got any insight into that it's very appreciated. I've never done LDR before. I've looked for a few jobs in his area, and worried that if one pans out, I'll be in a quandary as to how to handle it. Will it be too soon to move? etc... Thanks!

[stace79]

I agree. For now, I have a lease in my city through February, and barring a really great job offer where he is, I probably will stay here until then. But I agree -- I don't know how anyone carries on a LDR indefinitely. It doesn't make any sense to me.

[Els]

I honestly think the timeline will depend greatly on external circumstances. As in, you move together as soon as possible without disrupting one partner's future or career. In my case, I waited til I completed my degree. Where to move is a tough choice, assuming both countries are somewhat 'equal'. In my case the choice was between a 3rd world and 1st world country... quite easy to make.

 

As to whether to move in together or separately... all I can say is don't trap yourself together for the first year at least. As in, don't rent a single-room studio apartment that has a one-year contract and that neither of you can afford to fund by yourself. Some people have a lot of trouble adjusting to the change from LDR > moving in, some less. Regardless, it probably doesn't hurt to try together first as long as you have the option to move out if you recognize that you are having problems due to the change.

[stace79]

I honestly think the timeline will depend greatly on external circumstances. As in, you move together as soon as possible without disrupting one partner's future or career. In my case, I waited til I completed my degree. Where to move is a tough choice, assuming both countries are somewhat 'equal'. In my case the choice was between a 3rd world and 1st world country... quite easy to make.

 

As to whether to move in together or separately... all I can say is don't trap yourself together for the first year at least. As in, don't rent a single-room studio apartment that has a one-year contract and that neither of you can afford to fund by yourself. Some people have a lot of trouble adjusting to the change from LDR > moving in, some less. Regardless, it probably doesn't hurt to try together first as long as you have the option to move out if you recognize that you are having problems due to the change.

 

Good points! Thanks.... my ex and I lived together before, because we got together while he lived in my city. We actually lived together for 1.5 years. We both are just so cautious and want to take things slowly enough to ensure we're making good choices. The last thing either of us wants is to move too quickly and end up repeating mistakes from the past.

 

Thanks again!

[gracielou]

For my fiance and I our timeline was based around our individual goals in life and what worked for us as a couple. We were in a LDR for a year and 8 months. It was suppose to be 2 years, however he got into a doctoral program at my graduate university so he left his job early.

 

to answer you questions:

Move in together or separate places in the new town?

We moved in together right away, it makes the most financial sense for us. I live in graduate student housing and it is the cheapest place to live in orange county california. Plus he just moved out in April and we are getting married this august, so it didn't make sense for us to find a housing contract or sublease for him for such a short period of time.

 

Wait 'til engaged to move?

We did, but that was unintentionally. Before I moved away he gave me a promise ring and going through the LDR only made it more glaringly obvious that marriage was what we both wanted. Just over a year later we got engaged, he didn't move out for another 5 months due to work.

 

Who moves where?

He moved across the country to me. This decision was tentively made at the beginning of the LDR because I was leaving him to start a 5-6 year PhD program. What made this decision even easier was the fact that he also got in to a PhD program at the same university.

 

I initially was a bit worried about going from a LDR to directly living with him, but when we first started dating in undergrad we had pretty much lived together my senior year, and about a year into the LDR he came out and lived with me for just over a month. During that time things went smoothly and there was no real adjustment period.

 

I agree with Elswyth, If you do move in with each other right after the LDR make sure there is enough space. My fiance and I were lucky enough that the graduate student housing at the university moved us into a 2 bedroom townhouse. It allows us to each have our space if we need it. And we have NEEDED IT. One thing that I have noticed is that our communication is way better than it was before the LDR. The communication skills that we were forced to learn during the LDR time has carried over to help us now that we are living together.