New MC Counselor....I think I am going to like him!

[Spark1111]

We went for the second time last night, and it was productive.

 

He's funny, put us both at ease and made some great points.

 

As an experienced youth counselor in a drug clinic for many years, he would see new counselors come in who wanted to love and support and encourage these kids back to wholeness and a drug-free existence. He watched as they grew quickly jaded, because "addicts will lie, cheat and steal, tell you the most gut-wrenching stories, play you for a complete fool, pull every heart string you have...to get their next fix."

 

He then said, "Affairs have many of the same physical and emotional components as drug-addiction. They just do and you have to accept it." (Looking directly at me.)

 

He then went on to talk about his exercise regimen (Huh?) and the need to be physically active (I am); walking, stairs anything to give you the feeling of more power and control, and to combat depression. (Looking directly at my husband.)

 

We then spoke of infidelity and how lonely and disconnected my husband was prior to the affair. "Yes, those who cheat are often in immense pain." (Looking at me.)

 

I reply, I forgave the affair a long time ago. He blinks.

 

I reply, "We were in such a bad place with so many life stressors, that in retrospect, I am amazed I didn't have an affair. But I think I could have."

 

"So, other than the underlying bitterness you both seem to feel pre-affair, when do the brick bats come out?", he asks.

 

Okay, here is where I need to shut the hell up, because I made for points in 32 seconds. Idk why....it comes up and out from where it's been stuffed....my toes maybe?

 

My husband asks to speak, and I am not sure what point he is making, but he talks about how smart, educated and eloquent I am verbally, and that it makes him feel inferior when he needs to express himself. (SHUT UP SPARK!)

 

He speaks of how in all the years he has known me, he has never seen me so reactive, so angry, so hurt, my body language cues him immediately, and he just wants to fix it.

 

The MC: "That's completely normal in a long-term bonded couple. You acutely feel what the other feels."

 

Conclusion: It's a process, and what Spark needs is compassion for her pain, her feelings, which may not be the quicker "fix" you are looking for...but it can be done within a very controlled context that keeps the brick bats at bay..."

 

To be continued.....

[Snowflower]

Thanks for sharing your experience with the new counselor.

 

What are you hoping to get from MC this time around?

[2sure]

Wow!...I have to say I'm very excited for you. I like this approach and what the MC had to offer.

 

Its a great post for those just thinking of or entering MC...its important to find what that "matches" your needs...they arent generic.

[Spark1111]

Thanks for sharing your experience with the new counselor.

 

What are you hoping to get from MC this time around?

 

Peace....and a conclusion to this whole sorry chapter.

 

I am almost there and have been there for a while.

 

I want calm compassionate discussion with my fWS, about anything, without him growing defensive, shutting it down, as if that fixes it.

 

I have felt for quite awhile, that I am more healed than he is. I want him to unburden himself of all the secrets he carries around, and to stop turning every conversation into "Am I a good boy now, or a bad boy?"

 

It's fatiguing. I want us to be better able to discuss negative or painful emotions without it all falling apart.

[Spark1111]

Wow!...I have to say I'm very excited for you. I like this approach and what the MC had to offer.

 

Its a great post for those just thinking of or entering MC...its important to find what that "matches" your needs...they arent generic.

 

Me too!

 

I also like the compassion he shows my fWS, and how hard he works to put him at ease and to draw him out....to communicate.

 

And how concrete he is. My fWS is a fixer, a doer, a high-powered exec; let's get it done and cross it off the agenda!

 

I am artistic, and nuanced, and well-read and see and examine all aspects of a problem, a condition, a situation.

 

Our communication on difficult topics (emotional) needs fine-tuning.

 

And I think we are both finally sitting somewhere with the attitude of: Okay, tell us what to do. Help us fix us.

[Spark1111]

Yay Spark! This is fantastic news! Happy news on this unhappy board!

 

Thank you thank you thank you!

 

Rule of thumb: Give it three visits. If BOTH do not whole heartedly feel this counselor can help both of you......move on.

 

Just because someone has a degree, does not mean they will be effective for BOTH of you.

[Indypendence]

You answered my question in this thread. Thanks so much for sharing. I guess my counselor isn't the type we need right now.

[jwi71]

I'm SO happy you changed MC's...the one you were with was leading you two straight to D.

 

Good for you both...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

That such nice news! How did you come to find this counselor? Sorry if I missed that. I agree that finding the right person for you AS WELL as the purpose makes all of the difference in the world. So happy for you.

[Indypendence]

IfWishesWereHorses.

 

I just really looked at your avatar. Hilarious!!!!!

[Spark1111]

That such nice news! How did you come to find this counselor? Sorry if I missed that. I agree that finding the right person for you AS WELL as the purpose makes all of the difference in the world. So happy for you.

 

I informed my IC that I thought I was ready for MC again, but did not know where to start.

 

He referred me to a county-sponsored employee assistance program. When I called I said I was looking for a good marriage counselor and we made an appointment to be interviewed by a counselor who then referred us to this new guy.

 

She was the one who told us that we both had to whole-heartedly feel he could help us; to give it a maximum of three visits and if we did not, she would refer us to another approved MC on their list.

 

I think we got lucky.

[Samantha0905]

I'm glad you found one both of you like. I imagine it's no fun not having a good fit in that situation because you're both already frustrated anyway.

[Spark1111]

I'm SO happy you changed MC's...the one you were with was leading you two straight to D.

 

Good for you both...

 

Jwi, he was a good enough guy. In retrospect, I think it was too soon for me.

 

My husband did have legitimate issues, as I did, but I needed the affair examined first.

 

My fWS grew defensive as if everyone was trying to fix him. Well, we were. Not fix, but be able to examine his actions a little more realistically.

 

His response enraged me when HE said, "I have to get off this rollercoaster."

 

I walked out.

 

When my husband finally laid that arrogant a$$ to rest and started to show some true remorse, when the enormity of his actions began to truly hit him, that's when our intensive healing began.

 

Before that, everything was justification on his part....and I wasn't having it!

[Spark1111]

I'm glad you found one both of you like. I imagine it's no fun not having a good fit in that situation because you're both already frustrated anyway.

 

Sam, if you do go that route, agree YOU BOTH must feel confident this person can help you!

 

Make a decision by the third visit to stay or find another.