What Do Women Think about During Sex?

May 30, 2010

Too confusing. Try again.

You were the one generalising, not I.

You said:

O.K. so what does that tell you about a man who fears women?

Women in the plural. Not singular.

First of all, we were speaking about the dysfunctional dynamics of your own relationship, in that you believe your wife should fear you.

Then you threw in the generalisation of a man who fears women.

Which is why I responded with:

There's a difference between a man who fears women, and a man who is with a woman who believes he should fear her.

I hope that's a little clearer for you. I'm sure everyone else got it.....

Why are we even talking about men who fear women?

I believe because of your question, above....

No woman except a dominatrix wants a man who is afraid of her.

No dominatrix wants a man who fears her.

A dominatrix is there to satisfy the sexual urges a man feels when he is dominated by a woman. It's a power thing, not a fear and control thing. It's a sexual arousal, not a bullying stance.

This statement could only have been made by someone who 1) has never been in a healthy relationship or 2) is in deep, deep denial.

Well, it takes one to know one... at least I have no fear in my relationship, so you're one ahead of me, sugar.

Fear is a natural, and normal, human emotion. Wishing it away is simply a denial of reality. Successful relationships, healthy relationships, can't exist in the absence of a recognition of reality.

If you really believe that to be fearful of a spouse, is necessary, then I think you have a very serious issue.

Are you still beating your wife?

I guess you think both yourself and your partner are absolutely fearless in the context of your relationship? OK, then do whatever you want. Have no fear that it will damage your relationship.

Everybody has fears. I do not, however, fear him in the slightest, neither does he fear me.

I do not however fear his words and actions. Neither does he fear mine.

What exactly are we supposed to be afraid of?

But of course, I never said that the entire relationship must be defined by fear.

If a person fears their partner, the relationship IS defined by fear.

Unhealthy, or what?

I simply said that a woman who does not fear her man (a woman like you, I guess) does not really respect him. I didn't say she should fear him all the time, under all circumstances.

If a relationship is to be on an equal footing, then I would say it follows a man must by rights, and in all evenness, fear his woman. too...or else he doesn't respect her either. Is this what you are saying?

It depends on why you're feeling fear, and under what circumstances. For example, if you cheat on him, you should be afraid of his reaction if he finds out.

This is different to being fearful OF HIM.

His reaction is one thing. it is a fear of an isolated situation.

A constant fear - a dread, a timidity about the man and everything about him - is desperately unhealthy, and a woman who is generally fearful of her spouse would be more concerned about how to keep him placid, rather thn finding ways of arousing anger.

You really do need to look at this with more care.

Apparently my brain is doing the work for two here, it has to work overtime.

If it's being paid, then someone is being robbed....

OK so you believe that the only time when you should feel fear is when you are being bullied?

"Should"?

Nobody 'should' feel fear at any time during a relationship! There SHOULD be no bully!

And therefore because it's being caused by a bully, the fear does not actually exist?

Now you're not making sense.

Try again.

That's all just dandy but has nothing to do with what I said.

Yes, but because you keep subtly altering what you say, throwing in red herrings and using smoke and mirror arguments, it's hard to actually know what you're talking about, at times...

Well don't be so modest. You actually "know nothing" about quite a few things. I never said I expected fear from my wife.

yes you did.

I simply said that a woman who does not fear her man (...) does not really respect him.

I would presume that if you'd like the respect of your wife, you therefore expect her to fear you.

or is she not part of this general and expansive equasion on Fear?

And, if she does nothing which would ever cause a reaction in me that would give her reason to fear me, then what are you concerned about?

I'd like you to have your wife read this thread, and then tell you precisely what she thinks of your theory. Would you like to do that, because if I were you, I'd be afraid. be very afraid.

Where did I do that?

here we go again....

you're the one who brought 'Bad boys' into the equation, I didn't. You bring stuff up, then pull people up on responding to it.

you really are obtuse at times.....

You have it backwards, once again. You're implying that YOU don't believe that YOU should have power in YOUR relationships. You're entitled to be powerless, good luck with that.

Equal power means no dominance or power over the other. Power over the other is unequal. Equal power means equal dignity, independence co-dependence and interdependence.

Aren't you the same person who posts about how sex is not that important in a relationship?

Nope. Never said it isn't. Please quote to me where I have said that Sex isn't important in a relationship.

Show me, directly the proof of where I have said that sex isn't important in a relationship.

Has it ever occurred to you that you just might not have got this "relationship stuff" quite figured out yet?

Has it occurred to you that as I'm not the only one questioning your warped view, it's you who's got a lot more figuring out to do?

Edited May 30, 2010 by TaraMaiden

May 30, 2010

You didn't comment on my post, but quoting myself

Actually I did write quite a long post to try to respond to you but my internet connection, like the dictator of a small South American country, "disappeared" it.

Yelling is intimidating and disrespectful, for either partner.

From the perspective of the recipient of the outburst, yes, obviously, it can be perceived that way. From the perspective of the person having the outburst, or "tantrum" if you want to call it that, it isn't necessarily an expression of disrespect or intimidation. In fact, the way you're characterizing it here seems contrary to how it was characterized previously, I think by someone else. You can't intimidate or disrespect someone that you're afraid of. If yelling/tantrums come from a place of weakness, then it's not an expression of intimidation or disrespect--it's an expression of fear, stress, and anger.

Nevertheless, when people are in a conflict about something very important to them, and it becomes intensely emotional, they will often "raise their voices" at each other. I'm not endorsing that as an ideal--I just accept it as a fact of life.

I learned this lesson from my wonderful H, who will not accept being yelled at (not by me, not by his children, not by his boss). He wouldn't want me to accept being yelled at--by him or anyone else.

Now this statement by you is fascinating, you've left a lot "hanging" here by the way you phrased this.

What does "will not accept being yelled at" actually mean? You haven't described, at all, your h's behavior. Instead, you've attributed motivation to him, which may or may not be correct. We can't observe someone else's motivation, but we can [try to] observe their behavior.

How exactly does your h "not accept being yelled at"? Does he immediately leave the room? Does he glare threateningly at whoever is yelling at him? Has he gotten the entire family so cowed, so fearful, that no one dare "yell at" him (whatever you or he think that actually means), for fear of some awful consequence being imposed? I won't say I don't do ultimatums, but I would never lay down an ultimatum declaring that no one in my family could ever yell at me, for any reason, or what.....??? How would I make that ultimatum stick? How does your husband?

What are the consequences to you and your children if your husband should get yelled at?

You know what? If my wife is extremely stressed out for some reason, and then I do or say something stupid at the wrong time, and she happens to need to vent by yelling at me (although this is actually extremely rare), I might get upset at getting yelled at. But I will very quickly get over it.

It is very very seldom that my wife has ever gotten angry enough at me to yell at me. Usually it only happens if I have done something extremely unreasonable and exasperating, at least as perceived by her. But I would much rather have her yell at me then be afraid to yell at me. It is simply a manner of expression. If it is happening frequently that indicates a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed, like any other pattern of dysfunctional behavior.

But do I "accept" being yelled at, from time to time, by my spouse? Yes, because she's a human being, sometimes I probably actually deserve to be yelled at from time to time, and if she feels that bad about something I would rather have her yell at me if that's what it takes for her to blow off steam then hold it in.

Of course our relationship is pretty functional so it's not much of an issue. If we from time to time get to the point of being very "snappy" with each other that's usually warning enough that we need to sit down and talk about what's going on in our lives and in the relationship.

If my wife yells at me I don't take that as a sign that there's something "wrong" with her or that she's necessarily disrespecting or abusing me. I take it as a sign that maybe I have not been paying enough attention.

I'm really interested in your response to this:

What leads men to respect their wives, if not fear?

Are you suggesting that a woman can not respect her husband who, for example, is physically disabled and CAN'T overpower her? Or her wonderful partner of 40+ years who is weakened by cancer? What a sad world that would be I don't believe it for a minute.

At some point, someone falsely assumed that what I was talking about was the imposition of physical violence or force by the man against the woman. TBH I think there is something of that in the way many women goad their men.

But, now that you mention it--no, a woman does not respect her husband as much if he becomes ill or feeble or disabled. If she had a huge reservoir of respect for him previously, that might not matter too much. Also, if she is aging/becoming enfeebled in parallel to him, that might not matter too much either. Or, if he has a lot of money.

I'm sorry that you don't believe that women don't lose respect for their husbands if they become ill or disabled. Maybe some don't. But I guess you think women date men without regard to their physical capabilities and/or disability status? True or false, women? When you're dating a man you don't care if he's disabled, or ill?

xxoo, you're arguing from Platonic Idealism. Yes the "ideal" woman with a pure love for her man would probably behave the way you attribute. But to attribute that "ideal" behavior to all women? And more particularly, the population of women who post at LS?

I think fear is the topic of this thread.

And, because you [and the other posters who are banging this particular tin drum] declare it to be so, you think you can dictate the "topic of this thread." Because you are women, hear them roar, in numbers too big too ignore?

No, the intended topic of the thread was not "fear" but rather "what do women think about during sex." Pretty simple question with an infinite number of possible answers because everyone's an individual and might answer somewhat differently.

Some people might view such a self-examination of their mental state during sex as a fearful exercise, but don't want to admit to that fear. Therefore they project the fear onto the process and derail the inquiry.

You want to know what women think about during sex, but you asked on the MARRIAGE forum.....not sexual practices or dating. That suggests that the question relates to your marriage.

LOL, yes, I guess many here at LS perceive marriage to be a "sex-free environment," so you might just have a point. Oh well I still think "sex" has a close-enough association with "marriage," even at LS, to legitimately warrant posting the thread in the "marriage" forum.

We suggest you ask your wife, as it is different for each woman. You believe that her response would be edited and "lies".

Why pray tell do you think I posted the question? Obviously in order to actually try to learn something about what women think about during sex, so that maybe I could actually learn something that would be helpful to my marriage.

For all I know my wife might actually want me to put a baked potato with sour cream, chives, and bacon bits on her privates and then go to town on her, but she might never be willing to tell me that.

While I love my wife, and think she's great, I don't have this unrealistic "idealized" view of her as someone who wouldn't lie about this kind of stuff. It seems like plenty of women have trouble talking about it even on a completely anonymous internet message board--which actually is itself helpful information, as it tells me that even self-proclaimed "uninhibited" women are actually extremely inhibited.

Why? Why would you assume she would lie? Why are you concerned about thoughts she chooses to keep to herself? (edits)

Actually, I didn't ask women to tell me what they thought my wife might be thinking about during sex, which is just as impossible for them to know as it is for me to know. All women can tell me about--unless they don't want to, or are afraid to--is what they themselves think about during sex.

The answer is insecurity. Fear. And that is why you crave control.

Heh heh heh. Would the man/"ogre" that you (and others here) apparently think that I am even care enough about his relationship with his wife, to bother asking a question like this?

I'm an ogre, an abuser, because I actually want to learn something?

Yes there is fear but the fear is being internally generated.

May 30, 2010

Coming back to clarify--it isn't like we are perfect, and no one ever yells. It happens sometimes. But it IS viewed as a temper tantrum, and the other walks away until the partner is calmer.

Communication, problem solving, and respect happens when both parties are under control.

LOL, I wished I'd read this before responding to your prior post.

So, as it turns out, your relationship does include some yelling from time to time.

I suggest that rather than walking away from whatever conflict is causing one or the other partner to feel they have to yell, you/your partner actually stay in the same room together and try to communicate to address the issue.

Unless you're trying to imply that when you/your partner have these outburts, they are so violent/frightening that you're afraid to be in the same room together? That's a different problem entirely and was not at all what I thought we were talking about.

May 30, 2010

OP- I'm really curious what kind of answers you thought you would receive.
What do YOU think women think about during sex?

"Money" comes to mind.

Was I right?

May 30, 2010

What??? Is the basic assumption that all men and women will cheat unless they fear their partners? Or is just women who will cheat if they don't fear their partners???

Why not just pick a partner who has a better moral backbone from the get go.

Sheesh... Went to church much? Do you think the only reason people have moral values is because they fear God? Because that's exactly the ideology you're applying to marriage.

While men aren't kids, neither are women. We're grown up adults capable of love and respect, without it having to come from outside forces. We don't need to be disciplined into being faithful.

May 30, 2010

How did a thread about what women think about during sex turn into a thread about how a woman needs to fear physical harm from a man to not have sex with someone else?

Physical safety is an illusion. Yes most men are larger than most woman, but this doesn't mean he is impenetrable. How could a marriage be healthy if anyone was fearful in it? We have to sleep and eat if we are going to couple and try to love each other. And a 90lb woman holds a 200lb man's heart in her hand every night he wakes her with his snoring and every time he eats the food she prepares........all his size would get him is no warning.

LOL good answer. Someone will be sleeping with one eye open tonight...

May 30, 2010

No dominatrix wants a man who fears her.
A dominatrix is there to satisfy the sexual urges a man feels when he is dominated by a woman. It's a power thing, not a fear and control thing. It's a sexual arousal, not a bullying stance.

Tara Maiden, I appreciate the effort you put into formulating your lengthy post, of which the above is simply a small excerpt.

However it is somewhat difficult to respond fully given all the multi-quoting (if that's what it's called).

In any event, I believe the above excerpt speaks for itself. It's so self-contradictory that I can't respond other than to point it out.

May 30, 2010

What??? Is the basic assumption that all men and women will cheat unless they fear their partners?

They are certainly more likely to cheat--in some cases, much more likely-- if they have no fear of the consequences that their partners might be able to impose if the cheating is discovered. The possible consequences don't have to be related to physical force or violence, at all.

Or is just women who will cheat if they don't fear their partners???

Why do you think women cheat? Because they're afraid of what might happen if their partner finds out, or because they're unafraid of what might happen?

Why not just pick a partner who has a better moral backbone from the get go.

Many many women justify cheating by re-writing the marital history to retcon their husbands as so awful, and their marriages as so horrible, that it is no longer "immoral" or "unethical" to cheat. They decide that they are not "in love" with their husbands, and in fact, often decide they were never actually "in love" with their husbands. Since they retcon the "love bond" out of their marriages, cheating is not immoral or unethical--at least not so immoral or unethical that they would actually refrain from cheating.

What cheaters don't seem to grasp is simply that actions have consequences. Or maybe they grasp it but the consequences are not perceived as significant enough to care about.

Sheesh... Went to church much? Do you think the only reason people have moral values is because they fear God? Because that's exactly the ideology you're applying to marriage.

Sorry, you're confusing me. What are you talking about now?

While men aren't kids, neither are women. We're grown up adults capable of love and respect, without it having to come from outside forces. We don't need to be disciplined into being faithful.

Fear of the consequences of doing bad things is internally-generated.

May 30, 2010

Do you cheat on your wife? If not, why not? If so, why?

May 30, 2010

I suggest that rather than walking away from whatever conflict is causing one or the other partner to feel they have to yell, you/your partner actually stay in the same room together and try to communicate to address the issue.

Communicating and addressing the issue is not a problem for us. We don't avoid conflict; we just (mutually) do not accept yelling--not from each other and not from our children. In fact, this is a change that happened when we became parents. How do you teach children how to handle conflict appropriately if not by modeling? Over the years, we've all learned a whole lot more self control with this approach.

May 30, 2010

I think about alot of things. that something feels good. That I don't like when he does something else. that I hope he doesn't find fault with my body (men are very critical).....usually the thoughts are centered around him and me in our own litlte world at the time and what is happening in the bedroom. I don't think about what needs to get done or this and that. Although, if he said something that bothered me earlier and we get intimate, that might linger in my mind.

May 30, 2010

Do you cheat on your wife? If not, why not? If so, why?

I'd really love to know.

May 30, 2010

Why do you think women cheat? Because they're afraid of what might happen if their partner finds out, or because they're unafraid of what might happen?

Same as men, probably--

They don't care about the consequences (don't value the relationship, don't fear losing the partner)

They think they will get away with it.

May 30, 2010

Tara Maiden, I appreciate the effort you put into formulating your lengthy post, of which the above is simply a small excerpt.

However it is somewhat difficult to respond fully given all the multi-quoting (if that's what it's called).

In any event, I believe the above excerpt speaks for itself. It's so self-contradictory that I can't respond other than to point it out.

You've managed other posts perfectly well. I'll take it as read that you can't be arsed...

So simply tell me why you believe the snippet (arguably the least important in the whole of the post) is self-contradictory.

May 30, 2010

During sex, I totally think about my husband. I love the lights on so I can see all of him. He turns me on so much and has the hottest body for a 40 something man. I think about him all day too. It makes it that much better when we're "doin it." He loves my body and I love his... and I love my body too. lol!

May 30, 2010

honestly...i think of him being pleased and me wanting him & him wanting me..whatever thoughts i have are about him though so i guess that's good..

oh & LOL i wonder what is he thinking about my body..it makes me feel better to know he is "admiring" and wanting me like crazy & feeling like he really finds me sexy and desirable.

May 30, 2010

LOL good answer. Someone will be sleeping with one eye open tonight...

Well I remember seeing someone hooked up to a life support system. One of their eyes was open. This will probably work for you too.

May 30, 2010

A
At some point, someone falsely assumed that what I was talking about was the imposition of physical violence or force by the man against the woman.

Probably partly because you posted this:

She views him as a child having a tantrum--not as an adult male capable under the right circumstances of physically overpowering her.

Deny away, but that clearly implies at least an unspoken threat of potential "physical violence or force by the man against the woman."

May 30, 2010

Rewe, I know I'm not the only one waiting for the answer to the question:

Are you cheating on your wife? If not, why?

Also:

Do you truly believe that, if your wife is not cheating on you, you can attribute it to her FEAR of you?

All joking and baiting aside; that is messed up.

May 30, 2010

I really want to know.

Not what you think men want to hear.

Don't spare our feelings.

"I wish he'd move it a little closer to the right..."

May 30, 2010

Are you cheating on your wife? If not, why?

And...

Do you believe that husbands should respect their wives? (mutual respect)

May 30, 2010

I put this to him on a couple of occasions.

I also asked or suggested he let his wife read this thread and give her opinions.

....Isn't it quiet round here, suddenly?

May 31, 2010

During sex' date=' I totally think about my husband. I love the lights on so I can see all of him. He turns me on so much and has the hottest body for a 40 something man. I think about him all day too. It makes it that much better when we're "doin it." He loves my body and I love his... and I love my body too. lol![/quote']

Tommy is a very lucky man.

May 31, 2010

Well I remember seeing someone hooked up to a life support system. One of their eyes was open. This will probably work for you too.

LOL, I mean whoever the "someone" is who sleeps next to you. You're the one who posted it.

May 31, 2010

honestly...i think of him being pleased and me wanting him & him wanting me..whatever thoughts i have are about him though so i guess that's good..

oh & LOL i wonder what is he thinking about my body..it makes me feel better to know he is "admiring" and wanting me like crazy & feeling like he really finds me sexy and desirable.

Wow! That makes two consecutive responses by two different happy, emotionally well adjusted women, in a single thread!

Is that some kind of an LS record or something?

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