I am trying to move on but a part of me miss him

[Jordanjames]

Last year, I lost a very special guy in my life. I knew this man for seven years. I haven't spoken to him since September 2009. We got sexually involved in the summer of 2008 and basically everything went down hill last fall. Sometimes, I wonder, maybe I should have resisted him more? Maybe, if we never slept together multiple times we would still be close? Maybe, if we did not go out with each other we would still be friends. Why did we cross the line?

 

I realize, I have to make some changes in my life. I have an issue with social anxiety, and late last year I was involved in cognitive behaviorial therapy. The therapy is basically all about being more social.

 

I am currently voluinteering and that's a good experience.

 

I know I am doing well, I am focusing on myself and all my goals.

 

I have to admit something, last week I broke the whole no contact rule and I contacted him. I admit it, I was lonely, and I feel bad about contacting him because for eight whole months I never contacted him. I called him once on a Wednesday evening, and then I wrote him an e-mail letter last week Friday.

 

The e-mail letter I just said to him I wish him well, I hope one day he can come out to his parents. I told him I hope all his goals and dreams come true.

 

Well I did not receive a response and his silence indicates to me that I guess last week contacting him was a mistake.

 

Sometimes, I wonder, why did I contact him? What is wrong with me?

 

I am seriously considering therapy.

 

Okay, so last month I finally attended a meetup.com group for single gay men because I decided I got to get out there and meet new people. I attended a dinner at a gay bar and I talked some guys for two hours from 7 to 9 pm. I had a good time but I realize I was just working on my social skills.

 

There is another meetup.com event next month and I already RSVP. I definitely would like to go.

 

I guess my dilemma is, a part of me wants to meet someone new but another part of me is afraid. I wonder, why do I want to meet someone? I haven't been a date at all this year. My life isn't totally together yet. I guess that's why I have resisted dating. A Part of me feels like since I am in my final year of university that I am not good enough for someone to date.

 

I never realized that, it is hard to connect with new people. I would like to visit a gay bar by myself but I sometimes become self conscious. I wonder if I can fit in?

 

I realize, I've got to get myself out there more because that's the way to meet new people.