lepeep Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 My boyfriend never makes me feel attractive or sexy. We have been dating for a year and he makes little to no attempt to compliment me or make me feel beautiful. It has bothered me for the entire course of our relationship, and has been a repeated topic of confusion and hurt on my part. It really makes me feel like I'm missing out on a huge part of love and relationships, when I see how easy and natural it is for other guys to enjoy making their girlfriends feel attractive. Talking to him has not helped. When I first brought it up, it seemed like he understood where I was coming from, because he understood that all women seek that to feel special. During the course of a year, it has come up a lot, and he has said that he was willing to try to make me happy. Months go by ( I make an effort to try to be patient and not nag) but nothing changes. When I brought it up most recently, he refused to talk about it. I don't understand why he is like this. He is very experienced with relationships, so you would think that he understood women better. Can anyone please recommend books,websites, or articles on "how to make a woman feel attractive" so I camn give them to him. Excerpts from relationship books would be helpful too. I feel like maybe he simply hasn't learned the skill of romancing women. This is one of my last resorts -- trying to collect information that might teach him. Counseling is also an option, but neither of us can afford it now. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Wait, you considered counseling because he doesn't make you feel attractive? I'm not going to criticize you without understanding the entirety of your situation; however, why are you with someone who doesn't make you happy? Why do you try to change someone? Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Has it always been like this? Or perhaps I should be a bit more specific here and ask: If that's the case, how did he manage to attract you in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lepeep Posted January 27, 2004 Author Share Posted January 27, 2004 Answers to why are you together, what attracted you in the first place: Aside from this, he has every quality that I want and could never find in other men. He makes me laugh more than anyone, we can talk about everything, sex is fun and wonderful all of the time (I think because we clicked so well sexually, I assumed that verbal affirmations of attraction would come soon after), he calls me everyday, and wants to see me all of the time. He makes me feel loved and cared for, but not attractive. So, with all of that, he thinks that I should just know thathe is attracted to me. He has trouble receiving compliments, as well as giving them. Is everyone just saying that I should just dump him? Is this kind of change just not possible? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Originally posted by lepeep Is everyone just saying that I should just dump him? Is this kind of change just not possible? I think some men don't articulate themselves verbally, but are still perfectly capable of love. If you feel that words are a neccessary validation of love, then you should dump him, not try to change him. Because there's many girls out there who wouldn't be selfish enough to dwell on that. You remind me of Roxanne, from Cyrano. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lepeep Posted January 27, 2004 Author Share Posted January 27, 2004 dyermaker -- you don't have to be so judgemental. I'm not being selfish, it's simply a need that I have that is not being met. Making your partner feel attractive is a really normal, healthy part of dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Originally posted by lepeep I'm not being selfish, it's simply a need that I have that is not being met. Making your partner feel attractive is a really normal, healthy part of dating. I agree with you on that point. I can't understand why you would remain with someone who does't meet your needs. Surely, some guys are more 'flattering with words' than others.....but staying with someone who makes no effort to make you feel sexy and attractive.....doesn't seem like the kind of long term relationship anyone should be in. Love is about making your partner feel good and even wonderful. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were married to this guy and gained some weight while pregnant? Doesn't sound like he would be very supportive. Even the most macho guy in the world.....makes some sort of an effort. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Originally posted by lepeep dyermaker -- you don't have to be so judgemental. I'm not being selfish, it's simply a need that I have that is not being met. Making your partner feel attractive is a really normal, healthy part of dating. I wasn't judging you at all. If you have the need of verbal reassurance, and this man doesn't give it to you, change your position, not him--leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 This kind of thing is very dangerous - if a guy comes along, someone you might work with, for example, and you are flattered and complimented by them, then it's a golden recipe for an emotional and even physical affair. I'm not saying you are a loose woman, but considering that this is something that you really really want, you might just accept it from whereever it will come.... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Originally posted by Papillon This kind of thing is very dangerous - if a guy comes along, someone you might work with, for example, and you are flattered and complimented by them, then it's a golden recipe for an emotional and even physical affair. I'm not saying you are a loose woman, but considering that this is something that you really really want, you might just accept it from whereever it will come.... GREAT POINT Papi...... I think this is the foundational problem of many affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Making your partner feel attractive is a really normal, healthy part of dating. Not necessarily. Check out the 'love languages' theory. A lot of people think they are not loved or appreciated because they don't understand their partner's 'love language'. The book on 'love languages' is by Gary Chapman. The site below is one site that summarizes his theory. Don't be scared off (if you are the sort) because it's a Christian site; the book is not religion-based, it's just that they decided to include a synopsis on their site. http://www.christianwomanspage.org/ll/ Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 He has trouble receiving compliments, as well as giving them. Is everyone just saying that I should just dump him? Is this kind of change just not possible? I wouldn't "dump" someone over this issue, because the rest of your relationship is excellent. I agree with Dyermaker that attempting to change someone to fit your mold is a bad idea. However, it's perfectly OK in my book to tell your guy (lovingly) what you want and how important it is to you, and ask him if he would be willing to try learning to give and accept compliments. If he's interested, work from there. Like Papillon says, if you have a deep, unmet yearning to be praised and admired, it will take a lot of willpower to resist someone who come along offering it "freely"... Take it from me. I'm generally considered quite attractive, brilliant, alluring, witty, a fantastic cook and homemaker, not to mention passionate and sensual and all the rest of it. I get my compliments from friends and from Loveshack, because I don't get it from my husband. He's missing out on a HUGE opportunity to bind me to him more closely. Please don't call me a selfish twit because I like hearing another human being say things that make me feel good about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Check out the 'love languages' theory. A lot of people think they are not loved or appreciated because they don't understand their partner's 'love language'. The book on 'love languages' is by Gary Chapman. I read this book, too, and it is very insightful. I'd suggest reading it yourself and handing it over to your boyfriend. He needs to understand that "words of affirmation" is the way you feel loved. Even if it's not his primary language or means of expressing himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 This may not make me popular -- but I'm going to have my say anyway. You cannot change another person! It is up to the other person if they want to change. It is not your responsibility or your job to change him, or anyone else. I HATE it when someone tries to change me. If someone is not happy with me the way I am, then leave. If I am not happy with someone the way they are then I leave. Grrr. Hearing people talk about "how can I change him/her? How can I make him/her say or do blah blah blah?" This is all manipulation and I don't know ANYONE who wants to be manipulated! This is just one of my pet peeves. It is up to YOU to communicate with him and that means that you have to listen to him also and try to understand his point of view and his feelings. Communication does not mean that you talk and set rules and he listens and obeys! Ok. I'll step down off my soap box now. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Originally posted by Errol You cannot change another person! It is up to the other person if they want to change. It is not your responsibility or your job to change him, or anyone else. I HATE it when someone tries to change me. If someone is not happy with me the way I am, then leave. If I am not happy with someone the way they are then I leave. Whoa! There is a difference between changing someone's character, and changing the actions that stem from this! In this case, although her partner loves her, he is not expressing that love in a manner that is meaningful to her. If someone you love says to you, "I feel most loved when you compliment me or tell me about your feelings for me," it is a request for you to do these things. You are not changing that person. You are not changing how they feel about you. People make sacrifices and compromises in relationships. They change their actions (picking up laundry off the floor) as an offering of love. If they truly are unwilling make these sacrifices, then you are right, it is unwise to keep asking. It is best to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 i'm too lazy to read what everyone else said, but here's my suggestion: talk to him about compliments. gradually compliment him more. help him compliment you by asking "don't you think i look X today? ;)" i feel for the guy b/c i'm not one to express things verbally either, and it by no means means that i don't feel! also, instead of focusing on your need to be TOLD you're attractive, why not focus on how he makes you feel attractive by his actions? or even facial expressions - come on, you can tell when a guy is impressed w/ how you look that day. good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
cdn Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Is everyone just saying that I should just dump him? Is this kind of change just not possible? No. But perhaps the change needs to come from you rather than him. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 People make sacrifices and compromises in relationships. They change their actions (picking up laundry off the floor) as an offering of love. If they truly are unwilling make these sacrifices, then you are right, it is unwise to keep asking. It is best to move on. Exactly. There is a BIG difference between asking someone to change his or her personality and asking for a change in behaviour. Now, it may be that this guy finds it very difficult to compliment people - but at least if they discuss it, he might make an effort to do so. I know a man who told me that his ex used to bug him when she ran the water too long. I asked him if he ever told her that it bugged him. His reply was that he didn't want to have her feel she needed to change herself for him!!!!!! There is behaviour (as the much-maligned Dr. Phil calls it 'changeworthy behaviour') and then there is personality. Had he asked his wife to not run the water, she may gladly have complied once she knew that it bothered him. After all, one doesn't (I hope) have one's entire self invested in every single behaviour and habit one has!!!!! Certainly some of them could be changed or abandoned without someone feeling the basic essence of his/her soul is being violated! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lepeep Posted January 27, 2004 Author Share Posted January 27, 2004 Solemate -- please explain your relationship with your husband. Are you in the same situation as me except for the fact that you are married, and have accepted the fact that he doesn't complement you. Was it always like this, or was he more complimentary when you were first dating. As far as the argument of one shouldn't try to change someone. Well, during the course of our relationship, I've had to change. Not my personality, but my actions. Some examples: It is very natural for me to be loose with social plans. For example, if I have plans with friends, and my boyfriend can't come, he feels hurt when I want to go anyway(even though I see him more than any of our friends) My solution -- try to make plans, only on days when I know everyone is available. I never hang out with any of my male friends alone, only in groups - not something that I have to do, but I know he would probably be bothered by it. I work retail, which is a schedule with no weekends off. He has communicated to me that it is important for him to spend enough time with me on the weekends, when he has off. I am presently looking for a better job that is 9-5. The pattern = these things are not necessarily important to ME, but they are important to HIM. So, I do what I can, so that I know he is happy. I just feel like, the above scenarios, as well as others, are things that involve a bit of rearranging of my normal routine of life. The thing that I am asking of him, to me, seems so simple. It won't cost him anything, he can do it any time, and anywhere. Sorry to ramble, and thanks to everyone for their input. I am going to read the book that was recommended in this thread. Maybe, my opinions will change after that. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted January 29, 2004 Share Posted January 29, 2004 With some people complimenting them on how attractive I found them, in any way, came easily. I know how important it is for me to feel loved and wanted, and to feel attractive. I would compliment on outfits, perfumes, or just how brilliant their eyes looked that day. I would always tell them I found them beautiful or sexy, and when I really was impressed I'd make sure they'd KNOW it, and it wasn't just 'an act'. This doesn't come naturally to everyone, and it doesn't always come naturally with me. Sometimes I think that I am trying to make someone feel beautiful but they don't feel the same way. This is definitely something that needs to be talked out between you and your partner. Maybe as said before he's not showing you in a way that you blatantly understand. I hope he'll learn quickly that this is really important for you! But try to remember you did say he always wants to see you I'm sure he'd be willing to listen to your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
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