Princess1980 Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 I have been single for a long time, nearly 7 years since I had my son in 2003. I met this wonderful fella through a friend and we are very happy we have been together 5 months. My mum has a illness which is largely weight related so cannot do a lot for herself, I do most things cleaning, cooking and personal care, I have a younger brother who lives with her and is useless cannot do a thing. He seems to get away with blue murder. I don’t want him to do a lot but I think that doing a few tasks around the house to help me (such as loading the dishwasher and wiping the sides and putting rubbish out) wouldn’t hurt him. Now I have met my new partner I don’t go round to mums at the weekend, and I get "punished" for this, the brother does nothing to help. I often have the whole weekend of pots and cleaning to do. Why does my mum accept this? When I was younger and she was able bodied id have never got away with this!! if I bring this up it causes rows and I get moaned at, do you think i'm being selfish by having a life of my own after all these years, i’m 30 in a few weeks and I think I deserve to be happy without getting all the little digs are sarcastic comments Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 No, of course you are not "selfish". You have been generous and devoted to your mom. And you deserve your own happy life, separate and apart from any of the members of your family of origin. Is it in the budget to hire some help? Maybe a high school or college student to do the cleaning? Have you contacted local community and social services to find out if you can access any in-home (personal) care? I get that your brother has been using "inadequacy and incompetency" to not contribute his fair share. But maybe you could try to approach him from the standpoint of your mom needing him to step up a bit as her adult child, and that you would also appreciate him doing that so as to take some of the burden off of you. You could tell him that you realize he may not be helping with cooking and cleaning because he's not confident that he knows how to do it properly...and that it is your and your mom's fault for not teaching him. (Take responsibility for his incompetence.) Ask him if he wants to learn by watching-and-helping you a few times, or will he prefer to get a book? (Take responsibility for teaching him to be competent.) More importantly. Be calm and rational when you tell your mom that you are feeling over-burdened, exhausted and depleted...and this is causing feelings of bitterness and resentment that you do not want to have against her or your brother. Ask her to brainstorm with you, ways that you BOTH can ensure that your relationship stays warm and loving. You're in a difficult spot, one that many "only daughters" find themselves in at one or another time in their own lives. There are no easy answers. These are just a couple of things you can try. I hope that something will help your mom and brother realize that how they're treating you really isn't fair or respectful, and you deserve much better support from both of them. Hugs, and best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 28, 2010 Share Posted May 28, 2010 Now I have met my new partner I don’t go round to mums at the weekend, and I get "punished" for this, the brother does nothing to help. I often have the whole weekend of pots and cleaning to do. Why does my mum accept this? My question is, why do YOU accept this? I'm sorry, but this is where I would call for tough love. I would sit down with your mother and brother, explain that you are currently doing 95% of all care for your mother while your brother LIVES there, and you can no longer do it, if your brother is unwilling to share the work. Tell him - in front of your mother - that you are willing to sit down and divide up the work according to who wants to do what, and if he's unwilling to do that, then you will have to CHOOSE which tasks you can now take care of, because you can no longer take care of all of them. Also, get the book The Dance of Anger. It will teach you how to say no while still letting people know you love them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Princess1980 Posted June 11, 2010 Author Share Posted June 11, 2010 Thank you so much both, i have just found out im 9 weeks pregnant so this will change things alot. My brother seems to have stepped up a little now... Hopefully things are looking up for a change Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 11, 2010 Share Posted June 11, 2010 Congratulations! Did you read the book I suggested? Link to post Share on other sites
jackmartinn55 Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 No, of course you are not selfish. So do not think more about it. You just love your mom so much. And you also deserve your own happy life, separate and apart from any of the members of your family. If you do not round at your mom place for that you never punished for it. Just enjoying your life with your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
snezana Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 Your mother wont build your future life. Focus on building your life with your new partner, thats the most important. You are not selfish, you just care too much. Best thing to do would be to hire somebody to care for your mom. Link to post Share on other sites
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