Did I do the wrong thing by telling her?

[DarkCloudOfTears]

Hi all,

 

I'm in a state of depression and confusion. I have been, well I was, with a guy for almost a year who told me he'd never met anyone like me. We both felt we saw the kids, marriage and long term future etc, however he was undecided about whether he'd be returning back to his original country.

 

All this time though, he has been keeping in touch with a girl from his original country. I think, due to culture, if he'd return to that country, he'd want to marry a girl from there.

 

He would never discuss the extent of their relationship, but I just knew something was up. So I looked at his phone msgs a few times. There were so many msgs of love from her there. She does not know about me. But I've always known about her.

 

He recently went for a trip with his family back to his original country. I found out that the two of them had kissed and when she approached him on their future he'd told her that she should think about coming to stay with him for a week, see if she likes the country, and then they'd discuss the possibility of marriage. They'd only met once before (a year ago when he was last there).

 

I was so sad, betrayed and hurt when I found out that they'd kissed and talked of a future - but still, her well being has also been important to me. I'd constantly ask him about her, he'd say he'd fix it, but never did. So I sent her a gentle, loving, calm, but informative email about him and I, and the love we'd found (or that he'd suggested we'd found). I just wanted the truth to be finally be out in the open.

 

Do you think I have done the wrong thing by telling her the truth? I feel so anguished that I may have caused her immense pain. My intention was never to hurt her, altho I knew she'd be inevitably hurt. I figured she'd rather want to know now what he's been up to, than come to another country and possibly even marry a guy who in the last year has been dishonest to us both.

 

I feel so guilty at having caused her pain. Your honest opinions are appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[Papillon]

If he was stringing this girl along in the back of his mind, then he was never serious about marriage and your future together.

 

Conclusion: End the relationship until he commits to one or the other. You've unwittingly been turned into "the other woman" because he's a two-timer.

[Reckless]

I'm a little confused here.

 

Are you and this guy no longer together?

 

If you had already broken up I'd say that you were out of line.

 

I figured she'd rather want to know now what he's been up to, than come to another country and possibly even marry a guy who in the last year has been dishonest to us both.

 

If you were both no longer together why did you feel it was your place to do this. She probably knew about you and even if she didn't finding out about your prospective partner and ensuring he is trust worthy is part of having a love affair - it would be her responsibility to protect herself. I do not think this guy is trust worthy but unless he was a criminal or a threat to her life, even in the name of 'sisterhood' interfering was inappropriate.

 

If you are still his girlfriend at the time you wrote her (and he hadn't chosen which one he eventually wants to be with) I'd say you still absolutely had no right to do what you did. I'm sorry you feel bad but I hazard you feel bad for entirely the wrong reason. It sounds as if you feel bad for hurting what you perceive as 'the other woman' you should feel bad because you took a decision that didn't belong to you out of your boyfriend's hands and if you're both still together, your actions will eventually blow up in your face.

 

You effectively told this girl there was not hope for her with your guy. Didn't it occur to you it was for 'your' man to tell her this? If he didn't why didn't he? Was his heart divided on the issue? You treated her as if she was OTW, maybe you are the other woman, maybe she came first in his heart or plans; I'm not saying this was the case but you don't know - he chose not to discuss it with you...

 

he'd told her that she should think about coming to stay with him for a week, see if she likes the country, and then they'd discuss the possibility of marriage.

 

I'm not going to discuss what I think of a man has a relationship with two women at the same time allowing them both to think that he'd marry them - maybe it's a cultural thing (there are many cultures that allow a man to have two or more wives) but again I will repeat, this man had a relationship with both of you, your only decision was 'do I want such a man?' not 'should I make sure she doesn't want him either'

 

If a man doesn't come to you freely he's not really yours anyway. You cannot force someone to love (chose to commit) to you. Relationships that start this way are doomed from the go get. You say you 'just wanted the truth to be out' I'm sorry I don't think you did, it sounds like the classic if-I-can't-have-him-nobody-can scenario to me. Are you absolutely sure you did all that for her good?

 

Anyway, like I say I'm not sure if you wrote the email after you broke up with the guy or before but either way, not your place; all this smacks of grapes of the sour variety.

 

Get better anyway, you live you learn,

 

R.

[DarkClouds]

Thank u for ur opinions, they're appreciated.

 

Yes - he was a two timer, and his actions proved that he didn't take us seriously.

 

I was still with him and under his impression that he did not love her and I was special to him still with future plans, or so I thought when I found out.

 

Reckless - You are right, I don't feel it was justly in my place to advise her of the truth. He had ample opportunity to 'fix it'. However, wouldn't u prefer to know the truth than be living within a lie? Regardless of where the truth comes. I can honestly say her well being means more to me. Whether they're together in the long run, and he chose her over me is beside the point. It did, and does, occur to me that he should have been the one to tell her. Maybe I was the other woman. Maybe she did come first. I just can't understand the reasoning behind the lying - telling someone there's never been another like you. How does one tell one that, and also hold someone dearer?

 

But I must say, I felt she should know, not because it would suit me better, but so she could know what's truly being going on, so she can go out there and find someone who deserves her love.

 

I realise it's probably my mistake by being the one to tell her. I certainly don't enjoy being the one to have done it. However, if it were me, I'd rather know, regardless of where the truth comes from. Maybe I stand alone on this one.

[Papillon]

The truth hurts, pumpkin. Good for you that you're moving on. Someone was going to get really hurt, and you simply made sure it wasn't you. I would've done the same.

[midori]

Originally posted by DarkClouds

I can honestly say her well being means more to me. Whether they're together in the long run, and he chose her over me is beside the point. It did, and does, occur to me that he should have been the one to tell her. Maybe I was the other woman. Maybe she did come first. I just can't understand the reasoning behind the lying - telling someone there's never been another like you. How does one tell one that, and also hold someone dearer?

 

Ummmm, I'm sorry but I don't buy this. You've already told her so I don't see why you're dwelling on whether or not it was the right thing to do -- you can't undo it. You earlier said that you wrote a "gentle and loving" email to this woman that you don't even know. I'm not trying to be too sarcastic with you here, but come on!

 

I think you told her because you wanted things to come to a head, to force him to choose, since he hadn't "fixed it" yet. I think that when push came to shove you were hoping he'd choose you. It kind of sounds like he chose her... unclear as to whether you're still with him or not.

 

I think you were perfectly within your rights to do that. He was stringing you along. But I think you'd do a lot better to admit that to yourself and stop pretending that you're so concerned with the welfare of this other woman. You kept inquiring about her well-being? Because you cared so much about some random woman you didn't know who lived far, far away ... or because you wanted to know how much contact he had with her? If he was able to give frequent updates as to what she was doing, then he must have been in frequent communication with her -- which would give you reason to be worried. And you were. So you checked his phone messages.

 

You didn't tell her because you were worried about her. You told her as a pre-emptive strike, hoping that things between them would blow up and she would no longer be an option for him... thus leaving the field clear for you. I'm guessing that you're posting now because things didn't work out the way you were hoping they would. You haven't mentioned how he responded upon learning that you'd let the cat out of the bag. If he's angry with you, I think your justification would be more convincing by telling him that you'd had it with waiting for him to "fix it," and so took matters into your own hands, than you would in telling him you were only doing it out of concern for her.

 

Honestly I can relate to how you're probably feeling about all of this. I just think you'll find things easier to come to terms with if you can be honest with yourself about your motives. This guy has been playing you, and although you're in love with him, you'll probably be better off without him in the long run.

[DarkClouds]

Thank you Papillon,

 

My spirit has been crying so much at the thought that I have brought someone pain into their world. Possibly surprisingly to others, her sweet soul is so dear to me and I couldn't bare to know that I was a beneficiery to the fact that she was being lied to.

 

She is a much younger soul than I. I am not the type to want revenge or anger in my life. Frankly, I refuse to judge his action and reason also and am compassionate toward him still and would still show unjudgemental respect. I do not tread his shoes or journey.

 

I really don't like the situation I was placed in. But I felt with a very strong conviction to protect her. I always have. Romantic love is beautiful yes, and it is a shame he was confused and untrue - I empathise with his confusion. However to me, love for mankind is sooo much greater, more important and vital, and I felt in this case, justice and truth must prevail "regardless" of whether anyone sees any differently. I know right now she may b in anguish like myself (this is life, this is spiritual growth), but if she is 1000 times happier than she's ever been in five years from now, and a part of her spirit thanks me, I will feel blessed, like I do today.

 

There is no reason for lying. Lying to others or lying to yourself. The universe picks up on every thought and secret action - like karma that has come to him today and will find me tomorrow. There is no reason to not bring some more truth into this world. If a person kills that is injustice. But if one is aware of that killing and keeps the secret to themselves - that is just as equal as to being the killer yourself.

 

I have never willingly inflicted a pain such as this on any soul in my life, it is not a good place to b in. It tears at my soul. On one hand, I feel unjust that I was placed in this position. But on the other hand, I know for "certain", I have saved this preciuous soul, from a much, much, much greater pain. I will bear the cross, I really don't mind.

 

Love is all that matters, to thine own just b true.

[DarkClouds]

Hi Midori, just saw ur response, thanks.

 

The reason, firstly, why I dwell on what I did was because a self-claimed 'spiritual' associate of mine said today, without knowing the finer details mind you, that by sending that email last week was actioned out of 'ego'. It lead me to question my intentions and my integrity. But having anguishly thought over it today I have realised that my intention and integrity still lies, undoubtedly true.

 

Is it truly that hard to believe that a person can allow to let the minor ego get involved? What ever happened to putting someone else's wellbeing before your own wants and desires? To me, universal love (I know this sounds corny), but functioning according to universal love for life and people, living in true light and being aware of the universal law is by "far" greater than my own minor, selfish ego's wants and desires. I refuse to act according to what I want - life is not about me, me, me but how could I better you. What ever happened to caring about others, sacrificing your own wishes for the betterment of others rather than doing as he did and act selfishly and foolishly?

 

Midori, I appreciate your comments, I really do, but my intent was not for him to choose between us. He has already chosen his fate, my fate, and her fate from day one by being untrue to the both of us and mostly, himself. She does physically live far away, yes, but how far away is far away when your spirits lie close together. She is but a thought away which is very close.

 

I am not small minded or naive enough to think that my email to her in any way would benefit me toward him. Clearly now, she is seen as the innocent party that she rightly is. If he has chivalry within in, he will rescue her. In all honesty, this is a moment where he has the opportunity to right his wrongs. If he has wisdom, he would do so. I questioned him on it, he said he couldn't answer me and simply said: "You just don't know" as he has always said when I questioned him on her... So far, he has yet to respond to that email. Was to see him this weekend but our relationship broke off once I awakened to this truth.

 

If my faith in my action should fail me in the future and I find that I did do this to 'win him', then I have a very long fall to make. However, how could you possibly think that one would want someone so capable of causing a triune of pain, untruth and lacking in morality? The odd thing is, I have had suffering all of my life, I am not new to pain and injustice so I will be fine. Should he return, this may just spin u out a bit, but my response would not be 'how could u do this to me?' but 'how could u do this to one so innocent as her?' Almost crazy to believe in this day and age where ppl venture forth for their own self gain, forgetting the meaning of honesty, unconditional love for the bum on the street and integrity.

 

Sorry if I seem harsh, it's not meant to be directed at anyone. I just don't understand the life we live in today. It's a very poor effort. I don't see peace and good will for quite a while.

[jenny]

it's clear that you gained pleasure from your act.

[Arabess]

There is an 'unspoken' rule about not telling the 'other' woman you exist. Lots of people think it's cruel, mean and vindictive to tell her about the 'cheater'. I used to think along those lines myself.

 

BUT.....why is a guy always protected when he lies to two women? I'm beginning to think if MORE women blabbed....maybe these guys would hesitate before involving two people in his life and breaking hearts. The broken hearted female always crawls in the background....while he gets to go on his merry way. That's not fair.

 

I think it's a personal call. If you chose to tell her....good for you.

[Papillon]

DarkClouds, I have to compliment you on your style of prose, it's clear to me that you speak from your heart, and that, in another life, you are the kind of flower I would have desired to land upon...I wish there were more women like you around.

[jenny]

i agree with above, but i do think this poster is also trying to sublimate her own feelings with a guise of benevolence. i think she is making this a revisionist story in which she was in control and made kind decisions, rather than being rejected for another woman. i understand this, and more power to her - it's a good translation of pain - but it will likely make recovery longer and more painful.

[Papillon]

Perhaps...but what would you prefer? A dumped woman who is:

 

a) A bitter, fire-and-brimstone dragon, or,

b) An instrospective, thoughtful rainbow of light and colour?

[jenny]

i prefer realism over lyricism.

 

but this is a false dilemna. there are more options for rejected self-construction than these two polarities.

[Papillon]

Sometimes lyricism, poetry and dreams are exactly what we need to keep us real....

[jenny]

lol; i love it; that's a sweet spin too. and a nice point. (tip of the hat)

 

and, overall, i'm glad she remembers herself as being powerful in the situation, regardless of the reality.

[Papillon]

You are most gracious, milady

[DarkCloud]

Sometimes I wonder if the use of the intellect can be detrimental. To use the analysation in intellect over universal knowledge can be damaging, the same way as not using the intellect can lead one, who doesn't 'know' better to look a fool.

 

I am not saying what I did was perfect, I am not saying the situation I was in was a perfect situation to be in. It has been good to view the opposing thoughts of those who really are not, and fairly not so, attune to the situation (Jenny, this I have taken pleasure in). Some have said he is a two-timer, he is this or that without knowing his reasons respectively. Some have said I did this because I felt that... Your assumptions are understandably based though on simple facts. If I asked, what colour am I wearing, red or blue? Some may say 'im sure it's red because u seem pretty aggressive today'... These r judgements based on what exactly?

 

Jenny, I took pleasure in hurting her? U don't even know me but a few paragraphs I written well. I opened my thoughts quite honestly and u placed major assumption, regardless of the fact that I said it pains me in having done it. Then if you're right I must b a liar also - but then that would lead to being hypocritical in my worries at hurting another. (??) But human nature is surely interesting, and it is interesting that u seem so certain, and I'd almost believe you, if I didn't know myself and how wrong ur statement is.

 

I thank u for your thoughts, judgements and responses tho, since I asked for it. It is nice to c there is gentility, honesty and a probe for understanding out there. What I have learnt tho is that it doesn't truly matter what anyone else thinks. If I'm okay with my actions, if I feel it was true in my heart, if I respect the way each lives his/her life without major judgement, that is all that really matters. Judgement is not really the matter here. It's whether ppl are okay with dealing with the truth. Heck, Truth could just be my lesson too since it's what I've been seeking the last year. I will wait and see what life brings me.

 

Oh and I forgot to add that there is the assumption I was dumped. Maybe I was, I'm not certain on anything anymore since posting and reading ur thoughts that I was dumped. However, as far as I recall he was happy to continue the relationship, which I thought I ended by sending that email and saying "I wish you all the best but I bow out of this untrue threesome which is very far beneath me"...

 

Life is about learning, loving, losing and living. Call it lyrical, poetic, etc etc... I was just being real...

[jenny]

i am so sorry; i should have explained better. i meant that you took pleasure in your construction of yourself as someone above it all; it is, i think, your way of distancing yourself from the pain of rejection. read my next posts, you will see what i mean.

 

i think when things hurt too much we need protective ideologies; i think this is very much why religion works. i think you constructed yourself as someone who cared about another woman instead of inadverternly hurt one, which is a normal and appropriate ego defense.

[DarkClouds]

That's okay Jenny, thank u for ur kind words.. I think I'm going insane.. I didn't mean to hurt her, I wish I was neva in the situation, but I did it with good intention and lack of intellect and vengeance.. It is so horrible that ppl can lie and hurt others.. It's 4am here and like every day I am wondering what the purpose to life is.. Why some can b cruel, and some can't.. Why u meet a soul mate and it doesn't guarantee that love will last.. Why there is injustice and dishonesty and cruelty, pain and misfortune.. Why some can b cold and some just can't..

 

I have always been one to give where needed.. In our time together, he lost his job when he had to quit because the mother who abandoned him and his father when he was eight, told him that she didn't want his step-brother anymore and was putting him up for adoption.. This same guy that well cheated on me, grew up in his back yard shed because his father wouldn't allow him to live with the family.. He ate at the dinner table, the scraps they left behind... And all he wanted to do was go back to his original home to find his peace and security.. Then he met me.. Someone who understood him, who felt his pain.. He cried and I held his heart.. And oh how he cried.. He told me so many things he hadn't told a soul.. He lost his job, so he lost his apartment.. so I offered that he live with me.. I cooked for him, I cried his tears, and I cared so much for his spirit...

 

The pain was so much for him to bare, he dreamt of returning to his original country to leave the memories behind.. But then he met me.. And no-one cared for him, understood him and loved him in all his 26 years, the way I did from day one he said...

 

I knew he still wanted to go home.. I said 'I love you and I know you love me but if ur soul is happiest going back, then go back there my love'.. He said he knew he could back and not find anyone who understood him like I do.. I even knew about her then.. He is not inlove with her, I know this already, but he is very confused within his trauma and pain..

 

It is not easy saying goodbye to a pure love, but I would rather hope that he can find happiness, even if it is with her.. All of his life, he has endured suffering and pain which I feel for him.. May he be blessed with happiness one day.. All I send him, like I send her, is love and happiness... regardless of myself and wants and desires... This should hopefully bring me a greater love for myself.. What I did for all three of us, is just bring truth to the picture.. Let him be with her.. They can move forward with truth..

 

If he can smile tomorrow, then tomorrow is a better day... Love of this kind, is unconditional.. There is not a bone in my body which feels hate for either one.. It is just love..

[Darkangelism]

Originally posted by DarkClouds

 

I have always been one to give where needed.. so I offered that he live with me.. I cooked for him, I cried his tears, and I cared so much for his spirit...

 

The pain was so much for him to bare, he dreamt of returning to his original country to leave the memories behind.. But then he met me.. And no-one cared for him, understood him and loved him in all his 26 years, the way I did from day one he said...

 

I knew he still wanted to go home.. I said 'I love you and I know you love me but if ur soul is happiest going back, then go back there my love'.. He said he knew he could back and not find anyone who understood him like I do.. I even knew about her then.. He is not inlove with her, I know this already, but he is very confused within his trauma and pain..

 

 

You are making it sound like you are some sort of savior, and that he shouldn't have cheated because he owes you for what you did for him. I am not justifying his actions, but he is his own person, and doesn't owe you for helping him.

 

 

As for you not being angry or trying to get the other girl mad at him, I doubt that is true, you may have convinced yourself of this, but your action is that of somebody who feels trapped and is lashing out. I am not saying that you made the wrong decision, I would have done(and have done) the same thing, then regretted it and would have tried to find people that supported my decision. But that is what your friends are for, we don't know you, and though I can't speak for everyone, I feel that because of that we give more honest opinions of what we think because we are not emotionally tied to the people we help.

[jenny]

i agree with this, actually, just to be clear. i'm afraid you may not know anger is ok to feel; it's part of the process of healing. it's destructive if it goes on too long but it's also destructive if it's repressed. which, frankly, i think, in your case it is.

 

i am assuming you are a complex human being with complex emotional patterns. to only be benevolent would be one dimensional, and your posts manifest a much more complicated and introspective soul.

 

you are safe as a saviour; vulnerable as a fallible human. it takes a lot more strength and cahones to be human.

 

i emphasize with you; i trust your motives were pure; but at some point you are going to have to realize you have been hurt badly, and you probably have hurt another woman quite badly.

[midori]

I fully agree with Darkangelism and jenny. You must allow yourself the space to acknowledge and accept all parts of who you are. The you who is resentful and angry that, despite all you gave, this guy gave little in return, not even loyalty: that is a perfectly reasonable part of you.

 

I used to think that in order to be acceptable to a guy, I needed to be "perfect." I'm pretty intuitive and empathetic, so various ex-boyfriends used to marvel at how well I understood them, that they felt so connected to me, and accepted, flaws and everything. Empathy and intuition are good things; but the down-side to my way of interacting with them was that because I could see things so well from their perspective, I often abdicated my own. I invalidated my own needs, my own take on things, in order to better serve theirs. That was a mistake. I was taking a gift too far. I'm still able to see things from others' perspective, but these days I do so while keeping one foot firmly grounded in my own perspective, my own needs.

 

This is all a game, one in which he purports to be a decent guy caught up in circumstances somewhat beyond his control. He has "obligations" to people that require him to lie sometimes, to use people sometimes, to mislead and misrepresent himself. It's not his fault and of course he doesn't intend for anyone to be hurt. You're never going to get anywhere so long as you play his game. He's not being fair or decent to you. That's all you need to know. She is not your concern. Let's face it, she's not really his concern either -- cos if he was genuinely concerned about her, he wouldn't have started a relationship with you.

 

You seem to be playing along with this guy's dishonest game. The other woman from his home country is depicted, by him, as an innocent creature in need of protection, who cannot bear to hear the truth about what he's doing (and with whom). So he strings her along with promises and lies; and he strings you along too. His game is a load of rubbish. I suspect that, deep down, you know it's a load of rubbish. His actions have been deliberate; the consequences were easily foreseeable. But rather than call the game rubbish outright, you've adopted the game's rules, and your particular role in the game, in an effort to reveal what's really going on. She needs to be protected and handled carefully? You send her a "gentle and loving" email, with the supposed motive of having her best interests at heart. It's only reasonable to do so, given that you have her best interests at heart ... right? Any concerned friend would want her to know about what's going on... right? You understand that he cares about her well-being, in fact you do too. You understand that she'd want to know what was going on.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning what you did. Some would argue that she does have a right to know. Others could argue that you lashed out at him via her. Both might be correct. You were certainly under no obligation to keep her in the dark about what was going on. You owe him nothing: neither discretion or loyalty. But as I said earlier, I think it would be better for you to admit to yourself what's really going on. How could you not be angry? You are, clearly. You're asking how someone could say that they love you and feel closer to you than any other person on earth, all the while courting someone else from afar. If you were at peace with that you wouldn't need to ask about it. And you SHOULD be angry!!!

 

Don't invalidate your own perspective because you're so wrapped up in his. This game with the other woman was fraudulent from start to finish, and you should be confident enough in your own perspective and your own right to be treated fairly to be angry, and to act on your anger. Would it have been more noble to acknowledge your anger without involving this other woman? Possibly. But it's too late now. What you can do for her is honor the pain you've caused her by acknowledging what really drove you to it in the first place. Know yourself better, so you won't get into a situation like this again.

[midori]

Further to what I said above, I wonder if part of the reason you lashed out at him by telling her what was going on was because you sensed that if you voiced your anger to him directly, he either wouldn't care, or would reject you. If your relationship with him left no space for you to voice anger/frustration/negativity then it wasn't a very complete relationship. If you have to leave entire parts of your basic self out of a relationship, it can't be very fulfilling in the long run. It's inevitable that two people will not always be in perfect harmony with each other. If you thought the only way your relationship with him could exist was to ensure constant harmony, harmony that was maintained at yoru expense, I'd say you were sacrificing far too much, for far too little.

[DarkCloud]

U know I have lost a lot of faith in ppl. I just want to thank u for ur words. The moment Jenny said it's okay to be angry, I realised it is okay to be angry - and hurt and as a good friend said, betrayed.

 

Midori, thank u for the eye-openers also. I've got a lot of healing to do.