Wife is SOOOO forgetful... any suggestions?

[QWERTY]

My DW is so forgetful about some things, and it's really starting to drive me crazy.

 

She never forgets anything critical, but it's stuff that needs to get done and often by a certain date (e.g., finding a restaurant for her daughter's birthday dinner).

 

Sometimes I end up doing it myself just so I can be sure it gets done (e.g., I ended up finding the restaurant the day of the birthday), but when that isn't an option I just keep reminding her until she does it.

 

She doesn't really have a stressful job or life, and she's not really a "busy" person either. I know some people are just naturally forgetful, but that's only part of the problem I'm having.

 

What really is driving me crazy is that she won't accept that she does tend to forget and take steps to prevent it from happening.

 

I've begged her to keep a to-do list, but she absolutely refuses to do so and gets mad if I push the issue. I keep a to-do list myself because I know I'd forget stuff without it, and it really is a life-saver. But I just can't convince her to do the same.

 

So now I feel like part of my job in this relationship is to make sure she remembers to do the things she commits to doing. So not only am I keeping myself organized... I'm trying to keep her organized too. I never signed on for that, and it's not a responsibility I want long-term.

 

I think she and I just have very different views on remembering to do stuff. Hers seems to be "if I forget, oh well... I'll either rememeber to do it later or I won't. And if it doesn't end up happening... oh well."

 

The problem I have with that is that often the things she forgets are important to me too and so I miss out, or I end up having to do them because she's forgotten to.

 

Has anyone had to deal with someone like this? Any suggestions on how I can get her to take more responsibility for remembering to do stuff?

[SarahRose]

Don't turn into a controlling nag or she will resent you.

 

You can't make her do anything so just take up the slack and do some of these things yourself.

[You Go Girl]

Put a family calendar on the fridge.

Get one with a white board, preferably, that you can scratch 'need restaurant for party' near or on the date. This way, it doesn't look like it is her job, or your job, but just things that need to get done. No guilt, no blame. A list on a fridge is a list nobody can miss.

[Ronni_W]

So now I feel like part of my job in this relationship is to make sure she remembers to do the things she commits to doing. So not only am I keeping myself organized... I'm trying to keep her organized too.

What you're doing is still called "enabling behaviour" -- you're trying/hoping to "protect" your wife (and yourself, and the rest of your family) from the negative consequences of what is essentially your wife's problem.

 

Your (and the rest's) problem is that, as long as you continue to enable your wife to stay under-responsible, she will have absolutely no reason or motivation to change/fix her problem. Your other problem is that you are going to grow resentful of your wife...but through no fault of hers.

 

YOU made the free will decision to "protect" her from her consequences, and to take on responsibilities that don't belong to you (to both protect her and to organize her.) That is, you willingly chose to enter into a codependent relationship with her.

 

And you can choose to stop it, of course. But you must then also be willing to suffer along with everyone else, the consequences of your wife's under-responsibility...until she decides to do something about it. Usually, it's that we don't want to suffer those consequences, is why we take on more than our appropriate and fair share of responsibility. We're trying to "manage" (control) them/how they're doing their life so that we can control (minimize or eliminate) our own suffering. If that makes sense? And yeah...usually we say we're doing it for our spouse, our kids, other family members, our pets, the neighbours' pets...we just don't like to admit that it's mostly just for us

[QWERTY]

Wow... three very different responses.

 

I see the wisdom in each... I definitely don't want to be a nag, and I know it bothers me when she nags me.

 

But at the same time, there are some things that just need to happen, and that for various reasons only she can do.

 

And I don't want to be in a relationship where I constantly have to pick up the slack, because like Ronni_W said that would be enabling her (more than I already do).

 

And Ronni_W, I absolutely agree that I'm enabling her and about trying to control others to minimize our own suffering. I say that to my wife all the time... that her actions (or lack thereof) effect me (and/or the kids), and that's why it bothers me when she doesn't follow through on something she committed to.

 

But that's the reality of a partnership -- one person's actions or lack of actions affect the other, so decisions must be made with the other person in mind.

 

I've tried to stop reminding/nagging/controlling her several times, but even though there were consequences (for both of us, and for the kids), nothing changed. I don't think she ever will change, to be honest. She, like a lot of people (her sister is very similar, as are her parents) just seem to live in the moment, and don't think a lot about what comes next. Then, if/when something bad does come, they say "poor me" instead of saying "how could I have avoided that?"

 

But unfortunately, every time my wife says "poor me" because she failed to act, it's really "poor us." And that's why it's so frustrating.

 

So all that being said, I don't think I'm willing to accept the consequences of my wife's failure to take responsibility. Because I honestly don't think she will change on her own, and I don't want to spend a lifetime frustrated with her.

 

So that takes me back to the calendar idea that You Go Girl suggested. We use one for upcoming events, but I think having a shared one for stuff that needs to get done is a good idea. It won't completely solve the problem, but I think it will definitely help. It will help create a sense of shared responsibility, and a little more accountability if things aren't done. So I'll definitely suggest that.

 

And I'm going to have a talk with her about the issue. I'll tell her that it's really a problem for me, and that I want us to work together to find a solution. I think if I do it as a general thing, and not specific to any incidents, she'll feel less defensive. And then hopefully we'll come up with a solution (like the calendar) that will work for both of us.

 

Thanks again for all the suggestions.

Edited May 30, 2010 by QWERTY

[soserious1]

First thing I'd try to figure out would be this, does your wife "forget" to do things that will only benefit her or does she only "forget" things that primarily benefit other family members only?

 

If your wife is "forgetting" things like her hair appointment, her best friend's birthday in addition to getting the dog to the vet for his shots and the parent/teacher conference I'd say your first order of business would be to have your wife medically evaluated. She could be under a lot of stress... or she could be displaying warning signs of a medical problem.

 

If after careful review, you decide that her forgetting things is selective, that she's only not doing things that will greatly put you out and potentially inconvenience others in the family, counseling both IC and MC is called

for as this is a signal that there are problems happening here and your wife is communicating resentment in a very passive aggressive manner.

[SarahRose]

I am curious as to what these things she is forgetting are?

[Ronni_W]

QWERTY,

You're getting the idea -- you gotta work with what you've got . The reality is that woman you love, cherish and have made a life-time commitment to also happens to have a habit, the consequences of which drive you nuts and causes inconvenience to you and others. That's what you've got. Up to now, the man she loves, cherishes and has made a life-time commitment to has been reluctant to just accept this habit of hers. Like you said, it's a partnership.

 

If I could suggest, make it a real "family calendar/schedule" -- include your own 'to dos' and stuff the kids have to do (pick up toys, mow the lawn, whatever.) And ask/give permission for EVERYONE to help everyone else remember their "chores". (So, a kid could also say, "Dad, don't forget you have to pick-up ice for the party on Saturday." And, of course, you'd say, "Very much appreciate the reminder, kiddo.")

Like that, maybe?

 

But. You, your wife and your marriage may also be facing a bit of a larger issue. For that, I'd encourage you to pick-up a copy of 'Forgive for Love' by Fred Luskin. It's a quick read, and especially the opening chapters will help put things in a different perspective. (On sale for U$5 + shipping, at BookCloseOuts.com -- cheap enough to order copies for friends and family as well .)

 

Good luck with all of it.

[rewe4reel]

My DW is so forgetful about some things, and it's really starting to drive me crazy.

 

Is she doing it for the purpose of driving you crazy or is that merely a side effect? Most likely she's doing it to drive you crazy.

 

 

She never forgets anything critical, but it's stuff that needs to get done and often by a certain date (e.g., finding a restaurant for her daughter's birthday dinner).

 

OK so we have some back-story already. You're a step-dad. Your concern about this indicates an emotional attachment has developed between you and step daughter, and wife is jealous of it or resents it for some reason. Her "forgetting" the d's birthday arrangements is a passive aggressive way of expressing her resentment.

 

The (possibly unconscious) dynamic is that your wife and step daughter are competitors for your affection. Since step daughter is your wife's rival for your affections, your wife is passively aggressively trying to hurt your step daughter, and you, to the extent you care about your step daughter.

 

 

 

Sometimes I end up doing it myself just so I can be sure it gets done (e.g., I ended up finding the restaurant the day of the birthday)

 

Did your wife even remember the birthday itself, on the birthday? Did she remember that you had planned on taking her to dinner on her birthday?

 

If she claims not to have remembered, even on the "day of," then sorry to break the news to you, your wife is flat-out lying to you. Your wife's lying to you is a much bigger bigger problem than mere forgetfulness.

 

Men are generally bad with things like remembering birthdays and caring about arrangements. Women are generally very good with such things.

 

 

 

, but when that isn't an option I just keep reminding her until she does it.

 

Your wife is emotionally detaching from you. Be careful. Be very careful.

 

 

She doesn't really have a stressful job or life, and she's not really a "busy" person either. I know some people are just naturally forgetful, but that's only part of the problem I'm having.

 

 

Right, of course it's only "part of the problem." The wife resents you for some reason and is emotionally detaching from you. She passively aggressively expresses her resentment by "forgetting" things.

 

 

What really is driving me crazy is that she won't accept that she does tend to forget and take steps to prevent it from happening.

 

See above. Your wife has declared war on you. What you need to find out is "why"? Most likely she is having an affair, emotional and/or physical; or is seriously contemplating one.

 

 

 

I've begged her to keep a to-do list, but she absolutely refuses to do so and gets mad if I push the issue. I keep a to-do list myself because I know I'd forget stuff without it, and it really is a life-saver. But I just can't convince her to do the same.

 

When it's something important to her, you can be sure she writes it down. I suggest when she's not around sometime, you look through her purse, through her appointment book, at her phone txt logs, and in her email accounts, and see if she writes down things that she feels are important to her. You will see my friend. You will see.

 

 

 

 

So now I feel like part of my job in this relationship is to make sure she remembers to do the things she commits to doing. So not only am I keeping myself organized... I'm trying to keep her organized too. I never signed on for that, and it's not a responsibility I want long-term.

 

Yeah this is just the opening wedge of huge rupture in your marital relationship. This molehill will turn into a mountain because she is keeping secrets from you. Your request that she be somewhat organized is totally reasonable; her refusal is totally unreasonable. She is currently in the process of turning you into the "unreasonable, controlling spouse," rewriting your marital history, and justifying an affair.

 

What is her past relationship history? Why did she get divorced from her first husband? Have you ever confirmed her story?

 

I'm guessing she got divorced because she cheated on her first husband.

 

I think she and I just have very different views on remembering to do stuff. Hers seems to be "if I forget, oh well... I'll either rememeber to do it later or I won't. And if it doesn't end up happening... oh well."

 

This is a classic "cheater's attitude" of total lack of taking responsibility. A very dangerous thing in a married adult woman with child(ren).

 

The same type of attitude who, when the ONS happens, will say: "I was drunk, it was an accident, he made me do it."

 

The problem I have with that is that often the things she forgets are important to me too and so I miss out, or I end up having to do them because she's forgotten to.

 

Your marriage is in serious trouble.

 

 

 

Has anyone had to deal with someone like this? Any suggestions on how I can get her to take more responsibility for remembering to do stuff?

 

You don't need to do anything about her "forgetfulness" because she's not "forgetting" anything.

 

You need to find out who she's having an affair with, or thinking about having an affair with.

[rewe4reel]

OK Qwerty, I just read some of your old posts.

 

So you started your relationship with your current wife before she was legally divorced? Multiple step children?

 

Sounds like she is "done" with you and you just haven't gotten the message yet.

 

She's not "forgetting", she's "detaching." She's excluding you from her thoughts and from her life.

 

 

I've tried to stop reminding/nagging/controlling her several times, but even though there were consequences (for both of us, and for the kids), nothing changed. I don't think she ever will change, to be honest. She, like a lot of people (her sister is very similar, as are her parents) just seem to live in the moment, and don't think a lot about what comes next. Then, if/when something bad does come, they say "poor me" instead of saying "how could I have avoided that?"

 

Your description of your wife and her family of origin fits "cheater" to a "T." There is nothing you can do except minimize the damage to yourself. You need to get out of the marriage as fast as you can.

 

 

Sorry buddy.

Edited May 31, 2010 by rewe4reel

[rewe4reel]

Hi,

 

I came out of the den last night (I guess unexpectedly) and briefly overheard my fiancee talking with her friend on the phone. I'm pretty sure she was talking to a friend of her's who is currently cheating on her boyfriend.

 

My fiancee cheated on her ex-husband with a man 20 years her senior, but that was over 3 years ago and was before my time. She'd always spoken with a lot of regret about her cheating and shame about the man she had cheated with because she described her actions as desperate and him as a jerk. She's told me a little about the situation her cheating friend is now in, and said that she's been advising her friend about the unhappiness that comes from cheating.

 

Anyway, when I walked out, I heard her say, "the sex with (the man she cheated with) was damn good!" I was passing by the kitchen and didn't want to eavesdrop so just kept walking, and later acted as if nothing happened.

 

OP, this is a post of yours from back in April 2009.

 

Is this the woman you ended up marrying?

 

Dude....it's over.

[Honorable_Venerable]

Are you absolutely certain there is no medical reason for this? I hope for all concerned there isn't but has the possibility been considered and eliminated?

[QWERTY]

I think I may have left out a key part of the puzzle... my wife forgets things that affect everyone. She forgets things that just affect her (like picking up medicine that she needs on her way home from work), as well as stuff that affects me, her kids, her friends, etc.

 

While she's never forgotten someone's birthday, she will forget to call and make a reservation for the person's birthday dinner, or she'll forget to pick up a gift for a friend like she intended to. Her forgetfulness has affected everyone in her life... I just have to deal with it on a daily basis. And she's been like this since the day I met her -- I guess I just hoped it was going to go away or she'd learn to manage it better.

 

I think a big part of the problem is that my wife had a difficult childhood and marriage, and she learned to cope by not thinking about anything except the thing that is immediately in front of her and which needs her attention. She blocks out everything else, and I think this is what at least in part causes her forgetfulness.

 

So for example, she plans in the morning to get bread on the way home from work, but then she goes to work and is totally focused on work stuff and forgets to pick up the bread on the way home. Of course that can happen to anyone, but that kind of thing just happens a lot more with her than anyone else I've known.

 

And I think most people would eventually learn to say "you know, I'm probably going to forget to do that" and write themselves a note. But she refuses to do that -- whether the thing she needs to remember is for her own benefit or someone else's.

 

I think that refusal to try and find a solution to her forgetfulness is really the crux of my problem with it. And I think it may stem from her having been called "dumb" for most of her life. I think somehow she sees writing things down as a sign of weakness or lack of intelligence - "other people don't have to do that, so neither do I." It's definitely dysfunctional thinking, but until she accepts that there's a problem I don't think it's going to change.

 

I've considered the possibility of it being something medical, but my instincts say it isn't likely. I definitely not a doctor, and in different circumstances I'd suggest that she go, but if I can't convince her she's got a problem remembering things I damn sure aren't going to be able to talk her into going to a doctor to get it checked out.

 

So, thanks again for the input. I do like the idea of a calendar, and if we go that route it will be a family calendar with everyone's to-dos -- I don't want to single her out. It's not going to solve all of the problems, but hopefully it will help.

Edited June 2, 2010 by QWERTY

[QWERTY]

I think I may have left out a key part of the puzzle... my wife forgets things that affects everyone... things that just affect her (like picking up medicine that she needs on her way home from work), and stuff that affects me, her kids, her friends, etc.

 

While she's never forgotten someone's birthday, she will forget to call and make a reservation for the person's birthday dinner, or she'll forget to pick up a gift for a friend like she intended to. Her forgetfulness has affected everyone in her life... I just have to deal with it on a daily basis. And she's been like this since the day I met her -- I guess I just hoped it was going to go away or she'd learn to manage it better.

 

I think a big part of the problem is that my wife had a difficult childhood and marriage, and she learned to cope by not thinking about anything except the thing that is immediately in front of her and which needs her attention. She blocks out everything else, and I think this is what causes her forgetfulness.

 

So for example, she plans in the morning to get bread on the way home, then she goes to work and is focused on work stuff, and then forgets the bread on the way home. Of course that can happen to anyone, but that kind of thing just happens a lot more with her than anyone else I've known.

 

And I think most people would eventually learn to say "you know, I'm probably going to forget to do that" and write themselves a note. But she refuses to do that -- whether the thing she needs to remember is for her own benefit or someone else's.

 

I think that refusal to try and find a solution to her forgetfulness is really the heart of my problem with it. And I think it may stem from her having been called "dumb" for most of her life. I think somehow she sees writing things down as a sign of weakness or lack of intelligence - "other people don't have to do that, so neither do I." It's definitely dysfunctional thinking, but until she accepts that there's a problem I don't think it's going to change.

 

I've considered the possibility of it being something medical, but my instincts say it isn't likely. I'm definitely not a doctor, and in different circumstances I'd suggest that she go and get checked just in case, but if I can't convince her she's got a problem remembering things I damn sure aren't going to be able to talk her into going to a doctor for this.

 

So, thanks again for the input. I do like the idea of a calendar, and if we go that route it will be a family calendar with everyone's to-dos -- I don't want to single her out. It's not going to solve all of the problems, but hopefully it will help.

[SarahRose]

Hi Qwerty, I read back through your other posts and you seem to have this thing of being overly concerned what other people are doing.

 

If the worst thing about your wife's forgetfulness is she forgets to stop for a loaf of bread or forgets to make a reservation for a party, then consider yourself lucky.

 

Theses things you are worrying about seem to be storm in a teacup types of situations.

 

Have you been to counseling yourself?

[QWERTY]

It seems that your wife is having short term memory loss. You said she forgets to pick up medicine, make reservations, or a loaf of bread. Seems like she isn't converting these actions to memory...short term. But she remembers birthdays.....long term memory. Did she have some type of brain injury (hard head bump) somewhere in her past. It isn't uncommon for people to have short term memory problems, they just get worse as we age. Just a thought. The calender idea will help.

 

She hasn't had a head bump that I know of/that she's mentioned, but it's worth exploring. It definitely does seem to be a short term memory issue. I worked with a woman who had short term memory issues because a head injury (fell of her bike w/o a helmet) but she was very aware of the problem and had a good system for dealing with it. I guess I never occurred to me that someone could have a brain injury and not be aware of it.

 

Today's issue is that she has forgotten to deposit her paycheque for the past two weeks, and now I'm not able to pay off some bills today as planned. I knew she was forgetting but I decided to not remind her in the hope she would remember herself. She didn't, so I gave in today and reminded her, because if I hadn't we would be late in paying our bills. And I'd say there's a 50/50 chance that she'll remember to do it today despite being reminded.

 

She also was supposed to follow up with her daughter's teacher about money owing for a school trip but didn't, so I've had to ask her again today to contact him. That in itself isn't so bad, but what bothers me is that she was all ready to write a cheque and send it off, and I had to explain to her that we didn't know the amount we owed and that we would need to ask before we could write a cheque. I just wish she would think of these things herself... I feel like I need to constantly be monitoring things to make sure nothing is forgotten, especially when it comes to money.

 

And it frightens me a little to think that the problem could get worse as she ages. I understand and accept that she forgets things... I just wish she would recognize the problem and make more of an effort to deal with it.

 

I think we're due for a long, gentle talk about the issue. I'm going to explain to her that it puts a lot of pressure on me, and that I want to work with her to find solutions (like a calendar). Hopefully if I put the focus on me instead of her it will help to keep her from feeling defensive.

Edited June 3, 2010 by QWERTY

[Fight4Me]

It's difficult to admit this, but I am very much like your wife in this regard. You are right about it being embarrassing to have to write stuff down to remember what everyone else already does. It's even worse when your husband tries to do it for you. LOL I can pretty much guarantee you that she knows it's a problem and probably beats herself up over it in her own mind, and keeps thinking (hoping) it will just resolve on its own. It makes no sense to someone who hasn't had to deal with it on their own, but it hardly means she's having an affair or worse.

 

I was actually quite relieved when I was finally diagnosed with MS. That isn't meant to scare you, but to consider that it definitely could be something neurological. It wasn't until other obvious symptoms showed up that I was able to get properly tested. Now that I know what it is (that it isn't some character flaw), I don't have a problem with my husband or kids leaving sticky notes for me. Even then, I still forget, but it helps. There are times when having to remember something like dinner reservations can stress me out to the point where I can't even pick up the phone, yet bigger issues are less of a big deal. There's no way to explain that one, but at least I know I'm not going crazy, and considering what a lot of other people go through, I try to count my blessings.

 

Again, not suggesting she has what I have, but it just struck so close to home that I thought I'd try to contribute. The brain is amazingly complicated, so if it is neurological, it could be any number of very treatable things.

[QWERTY]

Thanks for you response, Fight4Me. It was very helpful.

 

Part of what frustrates me so much about it is that she acts like she doesn't care when she forgets, but you may be right -- she may care more than she's letting on.

 

It took three more reminders from me before she deposited her paycheque, but she finally did it yesterday. As usual, she told me "I'll do that later," each time I brought it up but then she didn't do it and didn't mention it until I asked again. I had to do some fancy footwork to pay our bills off, but at least it's done. But this is a good example of the type of forgetfulness we're dealing with. She forgets with everyone, but when she forgets with me it's often something that needs to get done and so I have to keep reminding her until it happens.

 

I pray it isn't something like MS or brain damage, although from people's responses I agree we need to be looking into those options. But I also know how she thinks, and if I get her to agree to do a bunch of medical tests, and then they find nothing wrong, she'll say "see, there's no problem" and we'll be back where we started.

 

So I need to convince her there's a problem first, and then work with her to find answers (health-related or otherwise).

 

Fight4Me (or anyone else) -- do you have any tips on how I could do that? Convince my wife that there is a legitimate problem with her memory? I want to do it gently so I don't make her defensive or feel like I'm questioning her intelligence (which I'm not). Any advice on how to approach it?

[carhill]

Has anyone had to deal with someone like this? Any suggestions on how I can get her to take more responsibility for remembering to do stuff?

 

Sure. Focus on *your* stuff and she can do hers as she sees fit. If she's late on a payment, she pays the late fee. If she forgets the birthday, she does the mea culpa. If she forgets the time of an engagement and implores you to rush, drive the speed limit. IOW, do not enable her personality in any way, shape or form where the results conflict with your reasonable needs and expectations. Accept it and encourage her to take responsibility for it. Another valuable lesson from MC. Acceptance and responsibility.

 

'Honey, we're going to be late'

 

'Yes, we are'

 

'Drive faster'

 

'No'

 

'Why are you being such an ass?'

 

'Thank you for noticing'

 

[SarahRose]

Thanks for you response, Fight4Me. It was very helpful.

 

Part of what frustrates me so much about it is that she acts like she doesn't care when she forgets, but you may be right -- she may care more than she's letting on.

 

It took three more reminders from me before she deposited her paycheque, but she finally did it yesterday. As usual, she told me "I'll do that later," each time I brought it up but then she didn't do it and didn't mention it until I asked again. I had to do some fancy footwork to pay our bills off, but at least it's done. But this is a good example of the type of forgetfulness we're dealing with. She forgets with everyone, but when she forgets with me it's often something that needs to get done and so I have to keep reminding her until it happens.

 

I pray it isn't something like MS or brain damage, although from people's responses I agree we need to be looking into those options. But I also know how she thinks, and if I get her to agree to do a bunch of medical tests, and then they find nothing wrong, she'll say "see, there's no problem" and we'll be back where we started.

 

So I need to convince her there's a problem first, and then work with her to find answers (health-related or otherwise).

 

Fight4Me (or anyone else) -- do you have any tips on how I could do that? Convince my wife that there is a legitimate problem with her memory? I want to do it gently so I don't make her defensive or feel like I'm questioning her intelligence (which I'm not). Any advice on how to approach it?

 

The depositing pay check thing can easily be solved with direct deposit.

[WintersNightTraveler]

Fight4Me (or anyone else) -- do you have any tips on how I could do that? Convince my wife that there is a legitimate problem with her memory? I want to do it gently so I don't make her defensive or feel like I'm questioning her intelligence (which I'm not). Any advice on how to approach it?

 

Get her a smart phone of some sort and make her use the calendar application religiously. I am extremely forgetful, this is the only way I remember anything mundane or easy to forget. The minute something is mentioned make sure she puts it in the phone immediately, since it only takes about 60 seconds to forget something completely. Set the reminder time appropriately for each event as well (i.e. 15 minutes if it's taking a pill, or 24 hours if it's something whereh you need to call day before to confirm, etc). The good phones have very flexible calendars with recurring event options, etc.

 

The calendar is better than the to-do function because it is easy to forget to check your to-do list! And post it notes and lists are easily lost forever, whereas you will look for your phone when you lose it!

 

On the bright side, it's not necesary a sign of a more serious problem, some of us are just this way ("absent minded" is a nice gentle way of putting it).

 

In my case it took forgetting about a job interview to make me realize this was necesary. But maybe you can make it seem like a neat gift or something. In any case this really does make a huge difference for me. Good luck!

[Ronni_W]

So I need to convince her there's a problem first, and then work with her to find answers (health-related or otherwise).

If she is acknowledging that forgetfulness is happening (just that it is happening...not necessary for her to think-believe it is a "problem"), then you might be successful by stressing to her that the medical tests would assure that there is NOT a (medical/neurological) problem.

 

Take a broader and higher view. Stop focusing on the fact that this a problem and stop trying to "convince her" that it's a problem. In reality, right now it's only a problem for you, NOT for her -- she is not seeing/experiencing it as you are. Accept and allow the current difference of perspectives. [because] The more you try to force her to take on YOUR view, and accept ownership of what to her is only YOUR problem and make her responsible for a resolution that will make YOU happy, the more you will alienate her and become resentful yourself.

 

More importantly, QWERTY, your "problem" pales in comparison to the fact that your wife possibly is suffering early-stages of a neurological disease. The bigger picture here is this possibility -- take care of making sure that it is NOT this, and then get back to trying to figure out a solution for your incredibly-small-and-petty-by-comparison "problem".

 

I am encouraging you to get your head on straight, stop your self-centered focus and try to "convince" your wife that medical tests are necessary because they will ensure that there is NOT a problem.

 

Of course I do pray and trust that she will receive a 100% clean bill of health.