Wife had an affair... Can you actually rebuild your marriage?

[insideguy95376]

After 12 years of what I thought was a great marriage, I found out that my wife was texting a guy she met 4 months ago. They texted every day and went out to lunch on a few ocassions. I confronted her and we both agreed to go to marriage counseling.

 

During counseling last month she stated that she wanted space, kept to herself and really disconnected with me. (please note we have 3 children,).. During our conversations with the counselor she stated that she has stopped all contact with him.

 

I found a text last week that they had she contacted him, and met up(although did not have sex) did more than I would like to know. I confronted her that I knew. I exploded, broke the TV and told her that she needed to choose. She completely started to cry, saying she was stupid, took full responsibility and wants to make this marriage work. She tells me she loves me everyday (although sex is less frequently, said this is was the catalyst of our problem.) I am working on this problem with her now which will take time.

 

We went to the counselor, where she completely has done a 180, has not left my side, tells me she loves me, and has been an open book allowing me to see any texts, emails from anyone. She is being totally honest and says we will be married forever, and will take time for her to regain my trust which she is willing to rebuild.

 

Here's my problem.. I cant get this distrust out of my head. I am obsessing over it. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get past this? I do want this marriage to work, I know it will take time, but I am losing interest in lots of things I found enjoyable, because I constantly thinking about the trust that has been broken. We are planning things together, she seems upbeat, I am depressed and now taking medication for it. She tells me that its completely over and doesnt even think about the guy.

 

Has anyone actually made it through this, rebuild trust and still have a good marriage and worked it out?

[MizFit]

After 12 years of what I thought was a great marriage, I found out that my wife was texting a guy she met 4 months ago. They texted every day and went out to lunch on a few ocassions. I confronted her and we both agreed to go to marriage counseling.

 

During counseling last month she stated that she wanted space, kept to herself and really disconnected with me. (please note we have 3 children,).. During our conversations with the counselor she stated that she has stopped all contact with him.

 

I found a text last week that they had she contacted him, and met up(although did not have sex) did more than I would like to know. I confronted her that I knew. I exploded, broke the TV and told her that she needed to choose. She completely started to cry, saying she was stupid, took full responsibility and wants to make this marriage work. She tells me she loves me everyday (although sex is less frequently, said this is was the catalyst of our problem.) I am working on this problem with her now which will take time.

 

We went to the counselor, where she completely has done a 180, has not left my side, tells me she loves me, and has been an open book allowing me to see any texts, emails from anyone. She is being totally honest and says we will be married forever, and will take time for her to regain my trust which she is willing to rebuild.

 

Here's my problem.. I cant get this distrust out of my head. I am obsessing over it. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get past this? I do want this marriage to work, I know it will take time, but I am losing interest in lots of things I found enjoyable, because I constantly thinking about the trust that has been broken. We are planning things together, she seems upbeat, I am depressed and now taking medication for it. She tells me that its completely over and doesnt even think about the guy.

 

Has anyone actually made it through this, rebuild trust and still have a good marriage and worked it out?

 

Hi insideguy...I'm going to be brutally honest and tell you that I couldn't do it. I was betrayed almost 20 years ago and upon finding out I knew I would never, ever be able to have enough faith or trust in him to put it back together.

 

Having said that...there are some posters here...Owl and Spark being 2...who have been successful. Read their stories and listen when they post.

 

Good luck to you.

[Darth Vader]

Hi insideguy...I'm going to be brutally honest and tell you that I couldn't do it. I was betrayed almost 20 years ago and upon finding out I knew I would never, ever be able to have enough faith or trust in him to put it back together.

 

Having said that...there are some posters here...Owl and Spark being 2...who have been successful. Read their stories and listen when they post.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

I think this guy's wife screwed the OM but is afraid to say that she did! I really hope I'm wrong, but the sex you're having is less frequent? Something's not adding up here! If she's not having sex with hubby, then she's gotta be getting it from someone else!

[2long]

You'll realize that you will regain trust for her gradually as she has time 2 demonstrate 2 you that she is trustworthy.

 

You will also realize that you probably trusted her blindly before (this is why BSs are so devastated by an affair - because they believed it impossible for their spouse 2 ever do such a thing). Blind trust isn't healthy.

 

-ol' 2long

[DadofTwoGirls]

insideguy..only you know what made your wife stray..was it a result on your actions/inactions?..only you know..that is where your answer lies..since me and my wife separated @ 1 1/2 months ago..not sure if she had/has an affair..but if she had/has..I could forgive her because I know how I was in our marriage..would I reconcile?..can't say yet..the issues I had (lack of intimacy towards her) I'm working on..but I would forgive her and already have for wanting the separation..so step back..process in yourself what went wrong because a MC only knows what anyone tells them.

[silktricks]

First, to answer your question: Yes, it is possible to recover a marriage. It's very difficult, though, and takes a long time and a ton of work - on BOTH sides. (We are 6 years post D-Day, with a really fantastic marriage now.) Marriage counseling is a good first step, though there are some fairly hideous counselors out there.

 

But that said, it isn't possible for everyone, nor for every situation. Some people simply cannot get past the pain and the bad memories, others can. I personally believe that much of the ability to get past the pain, though, lies with how the WS acts post D-Day. The WS must provide a reason for the BS to want to go to the work of getting past the pain, IMO.

 

I couldn't tell from your post - did they ever have sex or was this "only" an emotional affair. I say "only" because I don't have another word for it, I am NOT minimizing the disastrous effects of an emotional affair .

 

Good luck to you.

[insideguy95376]

The affair is over, she has been totally honest and upfront with no secrets. She wants to put it past us. Its been only 2 weeks. It was an emotional affair.

 

However, she is getting a little irritated that I am not moving forward as fast as her to get over this hump. She seems to be in a happy mood and wants me to be happy too. I dont want my depression and unhappy feelings to jepordize our getting over this and moving forward.

 

(Silktricks) how did you get past it, since you didnt say whether you were the one being cheated on, stop thinking about it or obsessing over it. After finding out, was their immediate intimacy with your spouse?

 

I do not consider a separation, but hope that she doesnt first get fed up with me being in the dumps over this.

[F2boi]

It's over, leave now. There is no reason to stay with this woman at all. Even if she's not cheating on you right now (and you have no way of knowing that, given that it takes all of 30 seconds to set up a new email address with a new password), she's already made it clear that she wants sex with other men. Let her go and get it, and instead expend your effort on finding someone who actually loves you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Damn you broke the TV, you know flat screens dont fix themselves!!!

 

Poor Samsung.

 

But seriously on a better note. You go into this thing now with both eyes wide open. She's trying to forget about it, because she doesnt want to face it. but dont let her hide from it. Because if you do that things will never change and if she continues to deny and blame shift and sweep it under and ignore it.

 

You make your boundries and make your stand!

[jnj express]

she doesn't get a quick pass back into the mge.---She cheated, now she MUST do what it takes to get back into the family.

 

You noticed that when you really got tuff about the cheating she got her head out of her as*, and broke contact, and admitted she does love you-----You have yet to see, it that is really true. Remember actions speak louder than words.

 

Proper R., is for her to show heavy remorse, and contriteness, for whatever period of time it takes----If she doesn't like your time table, pack her bags for her, and tell her she can be free.

 

You can only be responsible for your actions----she is responsible for her actions----you can't keep her in the mge., if she doesn't wanna be there-She can leave, and start a new life, knowing she wrecked the lives of all around her.---she allegedly wants this to work, but wants it swept under the table----your hurt, pain, visions, and anything else that is bothering you WILL NOT LET THIS GO QUICKLY INTO THE NIGHT. Your recovery will take as long as it takes, and she has to understand that. Maybe she needs to do some IC on what is causing her problems----Why the A., Why the basic refusal to go thru a long period of healing with you??????

 

Have you got all the info. you need about her A., and why it happened---make sure you have everything you need, another D-Day will set you all the way back to square one.-----

 

Just remember---she came clean and allegedly stopped the A., but at what cost. Bottom line you will get over this, when you get over it, and she , If she wants to stay in the family, will go along for the ride, no matter how bumpy it gets, and she will do so with REMORSE, and not a broom to sweep it away.

[MadMission]

The affair is over, she has been totally honest and upfront with no secrets. She wants to put it past us. Its been only 2 weeks. It was an emotional affair.

 

However, she is getting a little irritated that I am not moving forward as fast as her to get over this hump. She seems to be in a happy mood and wants me to be happy too. I dont want my depression and unhappy feelings to jepordize our getting over this and moving forward.

 

(Silktricks) how did you get past it, since you didnt say whether you were the one being cheated on, stop thinking about it or obsessing over it. After finding out, was their immediate intimacy with your spouse?

 

I do not consider a separation, but hope that she doesnt first get fed up with me being in the dumps over this.

 

insideguy,

 

Your W's words and actions do not match.

She is telling you everyday that she loves you, but she is being insensitive, selfish, impatient, and uncaring. That's NOT love.

The words sound good cause it's a means to an end for her...with the 'end' being that she suffers no negative fallout or consequences for her shallolw, selfish, immature choices. She broke your heart and shattered your relationship by betraying you and sneaking around behind your back with another man. She flat out lied by telling you that it was over between them....then you discover that they are STILL texting each other. It's going to take a LONG time....possibly years...before you fully trust her again.

 

Her ability to be patient, caring, and supportive of you as you process and cope with the destruction of your M...will indicate if her heart is in the right place and if YOU are in it.

 

That's right...your M was destroyed. Without faithfulness and trust, you have NOTHING. So, she cannot pick-up where she left off, but instead, must rebuild the trust and demonstrate faithfulness/loyalty, thus rebuild the M. Her faithfulness and trust are no longer a 'given.' Neither is her love a 'given.' She now has the burden to prove these things to you. YOU don't have to do anything but receive it and hope that it's enough to wash away the pain and damage.

 

Of course there are things you can to to foster a rich and healthy M relationship with her. But, sweeping her betrayal under the rug will be the demise of the M. It 'works' for her, but it will NEVER work for you. And, her willingness to ignore your feelings will only solidify what you suspect...that she does NOT CARE about you at all. A lack of CARE will destroy the M.

 

Talk to her about all this. Tell her it is going to take time...and may take years. If she doesn't turn around and say 'No problem, baby, I am here for you. I will do whatever it takes. We will get past this together.'...then, she does not love you. And, you should rethink what YOU want...and if what she has to offer you is good enough for you.

 

The fact that she betrayed you speaks volumes of how she feels about you. Take it at face value. Then give her the opportunity to demonstrate genuine love and care for you. And, if she does this 'right' and from the heart, she may be able to undo messages her betrayal has sent you: that you are unimportant, replacable, unwanted, unloved, etc.

She needs to DO something here. Something other than acting happy everyday as if nothing ever happened.

[IronMaiden]

Two weeks! That is NOTHING. If you give her trust in 2 years, that is more realistic. She is minimizing and is like that character on Ally McBeal who would say or do something outrageous, and then say "bye gones" like that made it all ok and go away.

[silktricks]

The affair is over, she has been totally honest and upfront with no secrets. She wants to put it past us. Its been only 2 weeks. It was an emotional affair.

 

However, she is getting a little irritated that I am not moving forward as fast as her to get over this hump. She seems to be in a happy mood and wants me to be happy too. I dont want my depression and unhappy feelings to jepordize our getting over this and moving forward.

 

(Silktricks) how did you get past it, since you didnt say whether you were the one being cheated on, stop thinking about it or obsessing over it. After finding out, was their immediate intimacy with your spouse?

 

I do not consider a separation, but hope that she doesnt first get fed up with me being in the dumps over this.

 

2 weeks is really early days. For her to think you could be over something as devastating as this in that short a time is simply ludicrous.

 

To put it simply - yes there was immediate physical intimacy with my H, but emotional intimacy took a long long time. His was also an EA. However, it took me years to get past it - not weeks or months - years. What got me past it, frankly, was the fact that he did not push me at all. He let me take my time. I was, in many ways, brutal to him. I couldn't believe a thing he told me until I asked him many different times in many different ways. When I got the same answer consistently, then I'd let go of that item and go on to another. If ever I got an inconsistent answer or feeling, then it was pretty much back to ground zero.

 

I really didn't get over it until I realized that even if I didn't have the complete answer to every little nit-picky thing, that it didn't matter. I knew who and what he wanted, and I knew who and what I wanted. The two meshed. When I got to that point is when I could finally say I was over it. But that's a point that I had to progress to. I couldn't just reach it willy-nilly or decide to reach it or anything like that. I reached it slowly and through a lot of pain (for both of us) and soul searching.

 

I wish you the best of luck, it's not an easy course you are on.

Edited May 30, 2010 by silktricks

[Fight4Me]

Absolutely, a marriage can be rebuilt after an affair. Both spouses need to be fully committed to doing so, and the WS must be willing to do whatever it takes to help the BS heal. How long it takes, and the level of success is dependent on a combination of variables unique to each situation. For instance, comparatively speaking, our recovery has been quicker than most. We are a year out, and while I still have my triggers, they are fewer and farther between, and my fWH is extremely compassionate with me, so they don't last long. How the WSes respond to our pain is one of those key variables.

 

The affair is over, she has been totally honest and upfront with no secrets. She wants to put it past us. Its been only 2 weeks. It was an emotional affair.

 

However, she is getting a little irritated that I am not moving forward as fast as her to get over this hump. She seems to be in a happy mood and wants me to be happy too. I dont want my depression and unhappy feelings to jepordize our getting over this and moving forward.

 

It's good that she's being totally honest and upfront. Just be sure you trust your gut on that one. You will find yourself needing to verify, and if she is truly remorseful, she will have no problem with whatever you need to do to accomplish that.

 

Everyone else is right, two weeks is way too soon to be over this, and it's completely unreasonable for your WW to suggest any kind of timetable for healing. That's like an assailant telling you to "get over it" after having shot you and taken off with your wallet. You've barely had time to process the reality of the trauma, let alone deal with all the emotional and physical effects that go along with it. You need to expect to go through a wide range of unpredictable emotions: despair, rage, guilt, humiliation, desperation, just to name a few. She needs to own the fact that she did this to you, and if she's truly remorseful, sincere about wanting to save this marriage, and really loves you, she'll not skip around and leave you to bleed out right in front of her.

 

Some people will surmise that if she seems to be in a happy mood that she must still be involved with the OM. While that could be a possibility, it's also likely that she's experiencing a great deal of relief from having just unloaded the crushing weight of her infidelity. I kind of think of an affair like a rotting corpse... it becomes increasingly difficult to conceal and keep together, and is horrifying when revealed or discovered. I'm sure she would like nothing more than to take a shower and move as far away from the stench as possible, but she dumped it in the middle of your home and needs to deal with it sooner, rather than later. And yes, she has to be the one to clean it up. I could go on and on with this analogy, but I think you get the picture.

 

My overall point is that this is a serious issue and NOT something that can be swept underneath the rug. Also, as unpleasant as it is, the infidelity has to be dealt with before you can move onto anything else. If you haven't yet arranged for counseling, I would put that at the top of your to-do list.

 

Hang in there, and let us know how things are going.

[Darth Vader]

Absolutely, a marriage can be rebuilt after an affair. Both spouses need to be fully committed to doing so, and the WS must be willing to do whatever it takes to help the BS heal. How long it takes, and the level of success is dependent on a combination of variables unique to each situation. For instance, comparatively speaking, our recovery has been quicker than most. We are a year out, and while I still have my triggers, they are fewer and farther between, and my fWH is extremely compassionate with me, so they don't last long. How the WSes respond to our pain is one of those key variables.

 

 

 

It's good that she's being totally honest and upfront. Just be sure you trust your gut on that one. You will find yourself needing to verify, and if she is truly remorseful, she will have no problem with whatever you need to do to accomplish that.

 

Everyone else is right, two weeks is way too soon to be over this, and it's completely unreasonable for your WW to suggest any kind of timetable for healing. That's like an assailant telling you to "get over it" after having shot you and taken off with your wallet. You've barely had time to process the reality of the trauma, let alone deal with all the emotional and physical effects that go along with it. You need to expect to go through a wide range of unpredictable emotions: despair, rage, guilt, humiliation, desperation, just to name a few. She needs to own the fact that she did this to you, and if she's truly remorseful, sincere about wanting to save this marriage, and really loves you, she'll not skip around and leave you to bleed out right in front of her.

 

Some people will surmise that if she seems to be in a happy mood that she must still be involved with the OM. While that could be a possibility, it's also likely that she's experiencing a great deal of relief from having just unloaded the crushing weight of her infidelity. I kind of think of an affair like a rotting corpse... it becomes increasingly difficult to conceal and keep together, and is horrifying when revealed or discovered. I'm sure she would like nothing more than to take a shower and move as far away from the stench as possible, but she dumped it in the middle of your home and needs to deal with it sooner, rather than later. And yes, she has to be the one to clean it up. I could go on and on with this analogy, but I think you get the picture.

 

My overall point is that this is a serious issue and NOT something that can be swept underneath the rug. Also, as unpleasant as it is, the infidelity has to be dealt with before you can move onto anything else. If you haven't yet arranged for counseling, I would put that at the top of your to-do list.

 

Hang in there, and let us know how things are going.

 

 

I still say his wife's covering something up, like trickle truthing.........

[rebelrenegade1]

I have had affairs on my wife over 5 years ago. Me and my wife with thru marraige counseling and sat and had long talks and have worked thru the storm and am can say that our marriage is stronger than ever. Affairs are not an easy thing to deal with for both the Person being cheated on and the cheater {providing the cheater actually has somewhat of a conscience}. I felt like total **** after the affairs and after having my Family turn their backs on me and going thru alot of hell, which I deserved, I realized that that lifestyle isn't for anyone and I drove myself back to the house and started working on my marriage. It wasn't an easy task to work on it, because I had to win back my wife's trust. I can say the last couple of women who have looked at me in that way I told them in no uncertain terms to Go Away and it felt good to do that. Now that the past is behind me and my wife, I constantly remind myself of all of the hell that we both went thru and constantly remind myself of the tears that I have watched my wife cry as I walked out that door. I will not let myself forget that. Just having that memory of watching my wife cry her eyes out because of me makes me work even harder to keep the sex in the marriage and too never ever hurt her again.

 

A marriage can be saved and a man/woman can be reformed{for lack of a better word}. The once a cheater always a cheater quote is not entirely true. A man/woman can change, but they have to have a reality check so to speak. Something has to be triggered in them to make them say "What in the hell am I doing?" and have to be open-minded to change. Something has to happen mentally & emotionally in that person to make them want to change and change for good. A physical change is great, but unless you have that Mental and emotional change, things will never change. At least that is from my experience. Are there some spouses that will never change? Yes there is. So you have to sit back and decide whether or not you want to take a risk with that person or not.

 

Now I know by posting what I have done, Some will resort to attacking me and name calling and i can't stop that, but what I can do is say I have paid my dues and fought hard to get mine and my wife's marriage back to what it used to be before the affairs and our marriage is stronger than ever. So can a spouse change? yes they can, but they have to want it.

[insideguy95376]

Thanks for all of the input. It has been 2 months since my wifes affair. I am sure that it is over. However the hypervigialance is driving me crazy. I often find myself checking phone logs, emails and computer histories. This has been a long road, and never thought that I would be in this scenario. (This could never happen to me!). I am finding out I have formed some sort of codependency from all of this, and am uneasy being by myself. This really sucks from someone who runs a multi million dollar corporation. Work seems boring, so its hard tpo immerse myself into work, and their are very few friends that live close to home.

 

WE are going to make this work. We both agree, but this will all take time. Is it worh it? I hope so. 14 years together, 3 kids (1 being autistic), is enough to see this through.

 

I do have a few questions from those who have gone through this.

1. Did your life go back to normal? If yes or no, what changes wre there and did you settle?

 

2. Did your love life get better or worse? I am use to making love with my wife approx 3x a week. Is that still realistic? ARe there things that your spouses dont do anymore because it might remind them of the affair partner?

 

3. How did the spouse who ha the affair make it up to you. I am often finding my wife sulking, not wanting to talk, or fleeing at the idea of talking about it, even though this helps me work things through my mind.

 

4. Does this get easier? How do you not think that something is going on behind your back? How long, months? Years?

[spriggig]

Hmmm, I too get the feeling we don't have the whole story here. Perhaps the OP isn't revealing everything.

 

OP, you say you're confident the affair is over. Did she write a No Contact letter and allow you to read and mail/send it?

 

Has she told you all of the details of the EA to your satisfaction?

 

I hope you both are addressing the underlying reasons for the affair in the first place. You need to deal with your anger, which will be here soon if it hasn't come already. You need to take responsibility for your half of the marriage--wherever you failed to meet her needs. Perhaps you work too much and don't pay enough attention.

[jnj express]

1st it can take from 2 to 5 yrs, in many cases---so you just may be in for a long ride.---Do not forget for one second that your wife time and again drove a dagger thru the heart of your mge. There needs to be some accountability. If you caught some one embezzaling funds from your corp., would YOU then also say to them, here let me give you another large check, you cannot make this easy for her. If she doesn't like it tooooo bad---remember she cheated , she put her kids future in jeoparady, she has caused you to have great pain, humiliation along with basically causing you to have no more carefree and feel good days. Your life is as you describe it now a series of stormy grey days, that won't go away any time soon.

 

She may be upbeat, that is fine for her---she had her A, and obviously has put it behing her---I guess she doesn't have much guilt about it. What she must do is cater to you---she has to do whatever you think is necessary to earn back trust, and she does it for as long as it takes, and w/out ANY complaint.----

 

You need to stay hardline about this----I don't know what your impression of an EA is, but many are way more deadly than PA's, in that she gave her heart to the other guy---she told him things, she may never tell you, and she broke contact to keep it going.

 

You need to cut way back on the intimacy, and let her see that you can function very nicely w/out her ---she needs to show heavy remorse, and she needs to help you thru your pain----If she can't do these things then I suggest you need to let her know that D. is on the table for her.

 

Set up some strong boundaries, with consequences you will actually put into effect---and also make her sign a post--nuptual agreement that should she ever cheat again, or even be overly reactive to other men---she will only take 20% in a divorce settlement----also put a duress clause in the post--nup.

 

Believe me there is a lot of experience here, and I am sure that experience will tell you basically what I have written above.

[Fight4Me]

Thanks for all of the input. It has been 2 months since my wifes affair. I am sure that it is over. However the hypervigialance is driving me crazy. I often find myself checking phone logs, emails and computer histories.

 

Even at two months out, this is still far too soon to expect trust and security. The need to check up can last several months, if not much longer, but the more transparent and her attitude will help it to dissipate over time.

 

I am finding out I have formed some sort of codependency from all of this, and am uneasy being by myself. This really sucks from someone who runs a multi million dollar corporation. Work seems boring, so its hard tpo immerse myself into work, and their are very few friends that live close to home.

Have you received counseling? As in, individual counseling? I think sometimes it's harder on men to seek out help, or stick with it, because they sometimes think they should be able to fix this issue themselves. If you run a multi-million dollar company, then you may be rationalizing even moreso. I would also ask about AD's for the short-term so you can begin to function more effectively.

 

WE are going to make this work. We both agree, but this will all take time. Is it worh it? I hope so. 14 years together, 3 kids (1 being autistic), is enough to see this through.

When you truly get to the other side of this, when your marriage is truly healed. YES! It's so worth it.

 

 

1. Did your life go back to normal? If yes or no, what changes were there and did you settle?

My life is better than normal. What my fWH did spurred a change in him that is difficult to describe. He became humble, patient, grateful, and we both agree we wouldn't want what we used to have pre-A, even though it was still pretty good. Our children (who are unaware) have noticed the changes in him, and in us, and I'd say that's the most rewarding part of our healing.

 

2. Did your love life get better or worse? I am use to making love with my wife approx 3x a week. Is that still realistic? ARe there things that your spouses dont do anymore because it might remind them of the affair partner?

Better. But that doesn't necessarily mean more often. It's more passionate and intense. We have more intimacy that doesn't always involve sex, but we are both MORE than satisfied. And to answer your second question, no, there's nothing he won't do because of "her." She's a non-issue in our lives, and we won't allow her to dictate how or what we do.

 

3. How did the spouse who had the affair make it up to you. I am often finding my wife sulking, not wanting to talk, or fleeing at the idea of talking about it, even though this helps me work things through my mind.

In the beginning, he would get defensive when I would try to talk about it. That was painful. He would give me the impression he expected me to be over it, but through counseling, we both learned that it was due to deep shame and embarrassment. Now, he'll talk about it anytime, anywhere, and in any way. He has even left work without me having to ask because he could tell I was "having one of those days." These are the things that helped me heal more than anything else.

 

4. Does this get easier? How do you not think that something is going on behind your back? How long, months? Years?

Yes, it gets easier as long as your spouse is truly remorseful. You will know something is not going on behind your back when you know. Kind of a non-answer, but it's a gut thing, coupled with being able to read your spouse, taking as much time as necessary to check up and finding nothing, etc. It's different for everyone, and often dependent on the quality of counseling, etc.

 

I would expect months, and possibly a year or two. But it does get better.

 

I really pray you two make it. Just think... if you can get through this, you can get through anything!

[Dexter Morgan]

Has anyone actually made it through this, rebuild trust and still have a good marriage and worked it out?

 

you can rebuild SOME trust I believe, but never 100%.

 

and I know people have went on to have a good marriage, but not the same.

 

I'll use my totaled car analogy again.

 

someone cheating in a marriage is like totaling a car.

 

The car can be fixed, repainted, and made to LOOK real pretty again. but not everything can be fixed like it was before the wreck.

 

there will probably be some minor rattling, and the blue book value on a car that has been totaled and fixed is less. hence it would have been better to let the insurance company(in this case the other man) have the car, and you get a new one.

 

So yes, it can be fixed, but won't be the same and in my opinion, will never be better, no matter what someone thinks. Because if the BS is reminded from time to time and has triggers, which they do, to me....thats not better....at least for the BS.

[RobD70]

1. Did your life go back to normal? If yes or no, what changes were there and did you settle?

Yes, we both communicate a lot better now and don’t take each other for granted anymore.

 

2. Did your love life get better or worse? I am use to making love with my wife approx 3x a week. Is that still realistic? ARe there things that your spouses dont do anymore because it might remind them of the affair partner?

Better, Yes, No.

 

3. How did the spouse who had the affair make it up to you. I am often finding my wife sulking, not wanting to talk, or fleeing at the idea of talking about it, even though this helps me work things through my mind.

She is much more affectionate and constantly tells me how great I am and that I would have to drag her kicking and screaming out of our home. She makes it apparent she is stuck to me like glue.

 

She didn’t want to talk about it at first because of the shame and I understand that. I think it’s best to get it all out in the beginning because if you wait until the dust clears then talk it will bring up old emotions again. It’s painful for both people but after a few months it will start to fade. I’m one year being back together and I don't think about it much anymore.

 

4. Does this get easier? How do you not think that something is going on behind your back? How long, months? Years?

It does get easier but it will take a good 6 months to stop obsessing about it.

 

I don’t suspect a thing now. She hates the OM more than I and she let’s me know what/where she is 24/7. I have her on Google Latitude as well so I can see where she’s at. I’m not worried about cheating anymore but I do wonder if I would had been better off letting her go. I will never try to win someone back after something like that again. I lost too much self-respect and I know now I would had just been fine on my own.

[insideguy95376]

thanks to everyone with their encouragement & support. Here is where we stand now. We have decided to make a go of things. Although this has been a very painful journey. I still find myself obsessing over things and have had a great deal of anxiety and depression from this ordeal. From many of our readers I see their answers of the cheating spouse doing everything they can to ensure that my worries are put to a minimum. However I have having a few issues that I would like some help with.

 

I often find myself checking phone records, and emails and have found nothing. Put my compulsive behavior is driving me crazy and I also no that this obsessive behavior is making me more clingy and less attractive. Other thank taking more Xanax, should I be checking these things regularly or am I invading her privacy too much.

 

I also find myself depressed and worried in general. I have no interest to do anything when she is gone and getting annoyed at the simpliest things. Will this go away. I know you cant rebuild trust in a few months, but what amount of trust should be extended.

 

It drives me crazy just her wanting free time to go out with friends. I want to be with her (Smothering...but still true). I'll sit at home with the kids and wait till she gets home. No enthusiasm to do anything. This is ****ty.

 

Do I have any chance to make this marriage work and rebuild.. I am going insane.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...Why dont you go out and have a good time. Why are you taking care of the kids?

[Distant78]

thanks to everyone with their encouragement & support. Here is where we stand now. We have decided to make a go of things. Although this has been a very painful journey. I still find myself obsessing over things and have had a great deal of anxiety and depression from this ordeal. From many of our readers I see their answers of the cheating spouse doing everything they can to ensure that my worries are put to a minimum. However I have having a few issues that I would like some help with.

 

Its good that you are alert. You should've never trusted her blindly to be blunt.

 

I often find myself checking phone records, and emails and have found nothing. Put my compulsive behavior is driving me crazy and I also no that this obsessive behavior is making me more clingy and less attractive. Other thank taking more Xanax, should I be checking these things regularly or am I invading her privacy too much.

 

Again, its good that you're checking her records. If your marriage makes it another year or two, this checking will naturally go down, to the point where you should just check her records once every other week or month.

 

I also find myself depressed and worried in general. I have no interest to do anything when she is gone and getting annoyed at the simpliest things. Will this go away. I know you cant rebuild trust in a few months, but what amount of trust should be extended.

 

Personally,this is why I left my ex because I didn't want to deal with years of reconciliation, and I think you can find someone who will never do that to you. Generally, you're only three months out of this affair and that's not a long time, so this will take years for you to get to a point in your life where you'll only think about it a few times a year so no need to rush because its not going to work. Just keep venting for now and watching her to see if she'll slip up.

 

It drives me crazy just her wanting free time to go out with friends. I want to be with her (Smothering...but still true). I'll sit at home with the kids and wait till she gets home. No enthusiasm to do anything. This is ****ty.

 

What you need to be doing right now is venting, and showing her that you can live without her. For some stupid reason, women don't like clingy men (even though they're clingy themselves) so you just need to show her you can take care of yourself, and you won't tolerate her behavior. Right now, she should NOT be having a lot of free time while you sit at home taking care of the kids. Let her take care of the kids while you spend some money on yourself. You say you get paid a lot so I assume you have money to blow. Do that for a while. She had her affair while you took care of the kids so now its her turn. She should be devoting that time to you.

 

 

Do I have any chance to make this marriage work and rebuild.. I am going insane.

 

Yes, I believe your marriage can be rebuilt, but it will never be the same. You should really look in yourself and see if you're willing to accept this marriage. If you can answer that and she gets on board and stop playing games, then you should be ok.