Wife had an affair... Can you actually rebuild your marriage?

[hunnybea]

1. Did your life go back to normal? If yes or no, what changes wre there and did you settle?

 

2. Did your love life get better or worse? I am use to making love with my wife approx 3x a week. Is that still realistic? ARe there things that your spouses dont do anymore because it might remind them of the affair partner?

 

3. How did the spouse who ha the affair make it up to you. I am often finding my wife sulking, not wanting to talk, or fleeing at the idea of talking about it, even though this helps me work things through my mind.

 

4. Does this get easier? How do you not think that something is going on behind your back? How long, months? Years?

 

A little background..my husband had an affair 2 months ago also and I'm going through a lot of the same feelings...happy one day, enraged the next, depressed...and I obsess over texts and ask one question twenty different ways...I have dreams of the two of them together...my husband's affair was physical as well as emotional...and I'm kinda over the affair part. That part I can think about without cringing...the lying part is what I'm having trouble with now...it took him 4 days to tell me. At first it was just text messages. The next day after more questions it went on to a couple of meetings, but no physical. Then the next day "well, we kinda had oral sex..." until finally I told him I was completely done if I didn't hear the whole truth and feel like it was the whole truth...then he told me they had sex. I think the lying or trickle truthing hurt more than the affair...and the fact that at first he was perfectly willing to let me believe it was just texting...and I did for a minute, until my intuition kicked in. If you feel like there's more, there usually is. Don't ignore that.

 

I said that to say this...make sure they didn't have sex cause I'm betting they did. If they were alone together...well...night follows day. Tell her you aren't going any further until you get the whole truth. IF she gets defensive, she's guilty, and she still has something to hide. IF she is for real about wanting to reconcile, she won't get defensive, she won't push you AND she won't be out with her friends.

 

It sounds to me like she doesn't have a clue and you are gonna have to lay down some rules, or she's still seeing the guy but sneakier...now I'll answer your questions...

 

1. No, life didn't go back to normal. It still isn't normal. I'm an absolute wreck EVEN though hubby is doing all he can. Going at my pace...even when I yell, put him down, cry, fight and question, he takes it and holds me and cries with me and assures me he only wants me and made a huge mistake. We talk more...spend more time together...spend more time with the kids...so in some ways, it's better. He has absolutely no contact, changed his number by himself and won't go anywhere other than work because he doesn't want to worry me and he wants to be here with me because he almost lost me. He's being the absolute perfect person, given the circumstances...We still aren't settled, and I'm sure it'll be a while...

 

Which worries me about your wife...cause it seems if she cared, really cared, she'd be more like my husband is...patient, knowing it's gonna take time...staying home so you don't worry...the fact that she's going out alone is a major red flag...

 

2. Love life, well, ours was always good...once a day usually. After D-day it's at least 2 or 3 times a day. Why? I have no idea. Some people are disgusted and can't touch the other partner...for some reason we were more attracted afterward...maybe because we came so close to losing the other. I'm still waiting to see if it to dies down...and it's been 2 months so far...I kinda hope it doesn't. As far as him doing stuff...he told her she was beautiful, so I banned that word for a month and a half... Sexually, no, he still does same things and nothing really reminds me of him and her in that way.

 

3. He is totally committed and open. Completely. He answers every single question I have even if it hurts to hear it. He knows I need that. His first instinct is to not talk, but he completely opens up to me because he now knows that communication is the key to making us work.

 

Major red flag if she doesn't do this...

 

4. It's a bit easier now some days...but I'm only 2 months into myself...some days it's worse...I'm still at the stage where it's taking a lot of talking, praying and hoping...and even though he's doing all he can, it's still hard for me to imagine a time where I will trust him again...so I can't answer #4 cause I'm still waiting for number 4 to happen...but it's getting closer every day...I've moved past the affair part...but the lying part is what I'm trying to come to terms with now.

 

I hope you keep updating us...just know you aren't alone...I felt so alone and that's why I looked for a forum like this. It really helps. Listen to Spark especially...I do.

[2sunny]

thing seem back wards...

 

SHE should be showing YOU everything - and i mean EVERYTHING you need to see. complete transparency... every move she makes should be accountable to you. is she doing that? you shouldn't have to go hunting.

 

red flag: she seems happy... happy? about what? this makes me think she has found a way to continue her affair without you knowing.

 

start checking more. she may have another phone you don't know about. put a voice activated recorder in her car and purse. put a keylogger on her computer.

 

seems she is probably still hiding things from you.

 

it is COMPLETELY up to her to make this right for you. she should be offering up every minute of every day to you - allowing you to understand where she is and who she's with, where she's been and when she'll be home - even if it makes her miserable to be accountable (stamped receipts for time away from home, every dollar spent, every place she went).

 

it is up to her. i still don't understand her being happy - that's just plain weird for a cheater. how could you begin to trust someone who is happy that she screwed you and your kids over? i'd bet money they had sex - maybe she's happy you didn't find out her truth... start digging more. she's hiding some critical info you need.

 

where is her consequence? if there is none - she will do it again!

[seibert253]

You shouldn't have to go behind her back and check up on her. You should have free unfettered access to everything. Computer use, email, phone.

 

If you have problems with her going out with her friends, tell her. Tell her how you feel. If she was 100% into helping you heal, if it made you uncomfortable, she wouldn't do it. Plain and simple.

[Distant78]

thing seem back wards...

 

SHE should be showing YOU everything - and i mean EVERYTHING you need to see. complete transparency... every move she makes should be accountable to you. is she doing that? you shouldn't have to go hunting.

 

red flag: she seems happy... happy? about what? this makes me think she has found a way to continue her affair without you knowing.

 

start checking more. she may have another phone you don't know about. put a voice activated recorder in her car and purse. put a keylogger on her computer.

 

seems she is probably still hiding things from you.

 

it is COMPLETELY up to her to make this right for you. she should be offering up every minute of every day to you - allowing you to understand where she is and who she's with, where she's been and when she'll be home - even if it makes her miserable to be accountable (stamped receipts for time away from home, every dollar spent, every place she went).

 

it is up to her. i still don't understand her being happy - that's just plain weird for a cheater. how could you begin to trust someone who is happy that she screwed you and your kids over? i'd bet money they had sex - maybe she's happy you didn't find out her truth... start digging more. she's hiding some critical info you need.

 

where is her consequence? if there is none - she will do it again!

 

Yea, i'd bet money the f***ed too.

[DazednConfused]

thanks to everyone with their encouragement & support. Here is where we stand now. We have decided to make a go of things. Although this has been a very painful journey. I still find myself obsessing over things and have had a great deal of anxiety and depression from this ordeal. From many of our readers I see their answers of the cheating spouse doing everything they can to ensure that my worries are put to a minimum. However I have having a few issues that I would like some help with.

 

I often find myself checking phone records, and emails and have found nothing. Put my compulsive behavior is driving me crazy and I also no that this obsessive behavior is making me more clingy and less attractive. Other thank taking more Xanax, should I be checking these things regularly or am I invading her privacy too much.

 

I also find myself depressed and worried in general. I have no interest to do anything when she is gone and getting annoyed at the simpliest things. Will this go away. I know you cant rebuild trust in a few months, but what amount of trust should be extended.

 

It drives me crazy just her wanting free time to go out with friends. I want to be with her (Smothering...but still true). I'll sit at home with the kids and wait till she gets home. No enthusiasm to do anything. This is ****ty.

 

Do I have any chance to make this marriage work and rebuild.. I am going insane.

 

Hiya inside;

 

You don't know me from Adam, but I can tell you in all seriousness I've been exactly in your shoes. All the way to my XW might have pulled off that it was strictly an EA had I not been called by the OM's wife and informed they had most defiitely been sleeping together.

 

Your hyper-vigilance stems from knowing there is alot that she is not willing to tell you or admit to. It's in your gut even if you don't recognize it. I was there... deep down I knew, but I desperately didn't want to believe these things about a woman I had so completely cherished for so long. So, I lived in denial on the surface and spent my time alone suspicious and angry. To this day, six years later; she has never apologized to me and meant it. She was, in fact, re-married 15 days after our divorce was final.

 

Your wife is walking around cheerful and like all is well, because for her, it is. Mine did this too... until my obsession with the truth cost me my six figure salary job. Once her standard of living was threatened, then the hostility came in. That's when I was certain she didn't care about me for me, she cared about the potential loss of her creature comforts and stability. I may be making an assumption, but I think you probably pull down a pretty nice living and support your family well... you seem like a stand-up guy. As long as your watching, be watching your accounts... she may be tucking away.

 

She took everything from you with one calculated decision. Your faith, your trust, your joy, your happiness, your self-esteem, your sexual self image, your confidence, your ability to cope w/ the smallest things life throws at you. She had the secret thrill ride w/ a crashing halt at the end and a little instability to deal with now. No worries Bro, I was the same way, and my XW suffered no real consequences either for a good long time.

 

I tried for two years after dday, and on the second anniversary i decided I couldn't do it. I hung in for another year to get my daughter thru school and then served the papers. Affairs are no accident ever. Every text message, secret meeting, etc was carefully orchestrated and explained away in a way designed to make me feel vaguely insane and unreasonable. That alone was enough of an insult to my intelligence and pure disrespect for me to make my decision.

 

Nobody here knows the whole story, nor the depth of feeling between you and your wife. Nor does anyone besides your wife and the OM know the whole truth. It's ALWAYS going to be that way. The decisions facing you are how much you can truly live with and still hold your head up, and can you ever truly put it behind you at some point while she is still holding your hand thru life. Wherever you end up... home w/ a wonderful woman who made a human mistake, or single again, I hope you will find peace some day soon.

 

-Dazed

 

-Dazed

[jnj express]

Have you ever gotten a definitive WHY as to her need to give her innermost self, and her heart to another man

 

What about her FOO----was there problems there, that would be causing her to act out against her vows

 

You must find out the WHY and fix it, to be able to move forward---The 2 of you must talk, and it needs to be about what drove her to talk to the other guy, and to shut you out

 

You are going thru all the natural by-products of her actions, but you do need to try to get back to some semblance of normal, in your relations with her

 

Some relationships take 2 yrs or longer to get back to a reasonable living condition----the distrust is there and it may never go away

 

You have to try to get yourself out of the doldrums, for your self. Your hyper-vigilance may last for a long time---but know this, no matter what you do, and how much you check---if she really wants to cheat she will---there is just nothing you can do to stop it---short of D.

 

She really should not be spending a lot of time out with her friends---she should be spending the time with you, and the 2 of you should be doing things together to make life good, you need to be doing things together---not be going your seperate ways ----what do you know of these friends of hers----are they friends of the mge., or enablers of her cheating?????

[insideguy95376]

thanks all.... let me be clear about a few things. She has been honest about the affair. We go to counseling weekly. Things are getting better and we spend most of our free time together. When I stated that I sit with the kids, I meant that I just dont have the motivation to go do something. She has gone out with her friends once since July, and plans on going out next weekend with her friends (they are married).

 

She is an open book, and tells me she has nothing to hide and is transparent, I just find myself double checking. Find nothing. As for sex, I am glad (hunnybea) that you have sex more than once a day... Ours went down to about once a week. I wish it was more, but it cant be all about me. This might be were some of our issues lie.

 

I have even brought up the idea to moving to another state and she has even said she would go too. States she is committed to our lives together, but tells me that I am smothering her because I am always around and never go anywhere without her. The counselor (which I think is great) stated to me that smothering her, even after post affair is not the right thing to do and to give her some space to breathe... Not alot but some...

 

I know moving wont solve our problems, but it does show at least her level of commitment. She's right now checking out the school district in that state while we are visiting family.

 

Codependency::: Oh that word has been running around rapid in our therapy sessions. Finding out that I am very codependent and have been for a very long time even before. Alot of research states that being so is a drain on any marriage and that I need to fix myself as well during this tough time.

 

My hope.... that if I stop being so pushy, so smothering and stop bring up our issues 15 different ways in one conversation, maybe the stress will diminish.

 

She too (next week) will be getting on a mood stabilizing drug hers now isnt working and the counselor has stated so,. Hopefully that will help with the highs and lows she is having that causes additional stress.

[Dexter Morgan]

Has anyone actually made it through this, rebuild trust and still have a good marriage and worked it out?

 

if you can put it out of your mind that you are married to a cheater, anything is possible I suppose.

 

question is, how are you going to feel when you revisit in your mind your wife messing around with another guy? can you handle it? will you think to yourself that you deserve better than to be married to a cheater?

 

I've used this analogy before, some will say it isn't the same, but I think it is.

 

A marriage crushed by cheating is like totaling a car.

 

The car can be fixed.

 

It can look nice again.

 

But there will always be things about the car that just aren't right...the frame may not be perfectly straightened again and the car leans to one side......there may be an annoying creaking noise....the paint won't exactly match.

 

Point is, can you rebuild your marriage? Sure, but it won't be the same. And just like the car, it will come at a very high expense. And in my opinion, its better to just get a new car.

[Dexter Morgan]

It was an emotional affair.

 

lemme guess, you know this because she told you right?

 

 

However, she is getting a little irritated that I am not moving forward as fast as her to get over this hump.

 

big red flag there. A cheater is in no position to get irritated at the result of the damage she caused.

 

so she cheats, but gets irritated at you because SHE is the one that broke the trust.

 

again....red flag.

 

 

She seems to be in a happy mood and wants me to be happy too.

 

no, she wants a free pass and wants to sweep this under the rug and for you to just "get over it". She doesn't want any consquences for her actions.

 

 

I dont want my depression and unhappy feelings to jepordize our getting over this and moving forward.

 

uh, thats not what jeapordized your marriage....her cheating did.

 

 

I do not consider a separation, but hope that she doesnt first get fed up with me being in the dumps over this.

 

oh my....she is gaslighting you something huge. she cheats, but you have become the unreasonable jackass now??

 

she is mentally abusing you as far as I'm concerned. She devestated you, and has the callousness and insensitivity to not give you the time it takes to move on?

 

If ever a time was needed to divorce someone, now is that time and this is that situation.

 

she is a cheating, uncaring, selfish, manipulative, gaslighting "woman".

 

I don't say this too often as I know what it feels like to be a betrayed spouse, but you need to stand up, grow a pair, and stick up for yourself. She is playing you like a fiddle.

[Dexter Morgan]

You make your boundries and make your stand!

 

this "woman" won't accept boundaries. She just wants him to get over it....wants to get away with this and mentally abuse him into thinking if the marriage fails that its his fault.

 

He needs to tell her to get out.

[Dexter Morgan]

wow, just realized how old this thread was.

 

even so, my statements still stand. her attitude in the early stages tell alot about her character and real lack of remorse, no matter what is happening now.

 

unless she has stopped expecting him to no have feelings about what happened, and stays home like a hermit, then I still stand behind my opinion that your wife will never be a good wife entirely.

 

I'd look for this to happen again.

[seren]

Hi InsideGuy

 

I am almost 3 yrs on from H telling me of his 8 month A. We have been together almost 26 yrs in total. When I found out I was absolutely floored. It never, not for a moment occured to me to walk out or throw him out. I could see that he was sorry, that he regretted the A and the sheer relief that it was finally out in the open. he went NC straight away and we began to rebuild our relationship, I didn't want nor expect things to go back to normal. Normal had been pretty awful, I wanted a new improved relationship, with boundaries established, with total honesty and most of all with love and affection. I don't regret a moment.

 

We now have the relationship we used to have before we took our eye off the ball. I have never, ever checked up on him, read his e mails, text messages or said he couldn't do X,Y or Z. I just think that I don't own him and that if he was going to cheat again, then he would and that would be that. It is my established boundary and he understands that. For us, the establishing of trust was a biggie, with my history trust was oh so important and yes he blew it out of the water, but I see his remorse and regret and I trust him, without trust, i wouldn't stay.

 

It is such early days still for you, you will trigger, you will wonder, but you need to let your wife know you want and need the truth and you need to believe that you will get that, otherwise I don't see how you can reconcile fully. BUT it takes time. The truth sometimes comes in a rush, sometimes in a trickle, I prefer the rush, trickling is just so bloody awful. I gave my H the letter to a wayward spouse thing (google it, it's on SI) to help him to understand what a lack of truth did and meant.

As for sex, well hysterical bonding is like drowning and hanging on to a life raft, but you are hanging on together. reconciling is nothing like most OW/OM think, it is a time of huge emotion, reconnecting, feeling your way with each other, rediscovering, crying, shouting, loving and absolutely exhausting, but it can be done. It takes time, work and yet more work, most of all it takes truth and honesty, the two things that are lost when an A takes place.

 

I hope it works for you, post here often, vent away, but most of all talk, talk talk to your wife and make sure she listens.

[Darth Vader]

wow, just realized how old this thread was.

 

even so, my statements still stand. her attitude in the early stages tell alot about her character and real lack of remorse, no matter what is happening now.

 

unless she has stopped expecting him to no have feelings about what happened, and stays home like a hermit, then I still stand behind my opinion that your wife will never be a good wife entirely.

 

I'd look for this to happen again.

 

 

I agree with Dexter, your wife's not telling you everything, she's hiding something, I can feel it! I sense Deception!

[macgyver359]

I have learned from other people’s experiences, in the field. That it takes about 3-5 exposures, of the cheating party, to start the ball rolling on reconciliation. I mean you find out, she says it is done, then 1 week later she does it again, says she sorry, does it again ect… I think you really need to hear your self, (in the very pit of your stomach), Is it over yet? Ask her to Send a no contact statement to the other party involved, and see how she reacts to it. Look in her car, (REAL WELL) for a phone charger, or another phone (very very common). Or she may be using a neighbors phone, or a pay phone. I would setup a cam in the house 300-600 dollars for a small cam, and a mini DVR. Most people will go no contact for 40-60 days for a cooling off time. The 40-60 days that have pasted, they have talked but by other phones (Pay, Neighbors, strangers ect…) still having fun. JUST MUCH MUCH MORE UNDER GROUND. (They no longer use the home computer, or the phone that you bought) They use a friend’s computer, or a new one they bought, to plug in at your home, or a cheap phone (pay by cash). If you live in an apartment, I have seen the spouse use the other peoples WI-FI, and cordless phone. Also search your home and garage, and even attic very well. PS, I would like you to goto http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/ and ask them also what to do. There are some very good people at this site. Start from the beginning.

[Mia Mia]

Yes,it is possible to rebuild a M after an A,it takes time it will not happen over night.

 

If what you really want is to stay M then you need to allow yourself to heal be open with her,tell her how she has made you feel find out why she strayed,and she must be honest with you,she should answer all your questions because you will have plenty.

 

It will be a process you will have good days and you will have bad days,just remember there is a reason why you chose to stay with her,and there is a reason why she chose to stay with you,you both still have love for each other that is worth fighting for.

 

best wishes.

[Owl]

Yes, you can rebuild your marriage after all of this.

 

If you choose to do so...and if your wife does the same.

 

You're doing a lot of the right things. I'd like to suggest a few more.

 

1. Start scheduling time to discuss your relationship/the affair/etc... Set times, with specific start and stop times. Keep a journal of what's discussed, and if you hit the stop time without having finished a discussion...journal it so that you can resume at that point in your next discussion. Have some kind of treat or "reward" planned for the two of you to enjoy after the session. It'll give you something to look forward to afterwards.

 

2. DO NOT DISCUSS THESE THINGS OUTSIDE OF THAT TIME, OR OUTSIDE OF MC SESSIONS.

 

3. Work with your counselor to explain your "smothering" and obsessive 'snooping' to your wife. It's the only way you can build your trust back up in her, after what's happened. It'll fade, with time and with her continuing to "prove" her trustworthiness. This was difficult for my wife to deal with too...but as long as she learns to recognize it as what it is...a TEMPORARY response to what's happened...it can be manageable.

 

4. Realize that it typically takes 2-5 years for a marriage to successfully recover from infidelity. This is a HUGE thing. You're in a marathon race...not a mad dash sprint to the end. It's going to take alot of effort and time to accomplish this goal. You both have to be committed to this.

 

5. Read up on marital recovery after infidelity. Check out "Surviving an Affair" as a good start.

 

I'm in a successfully recovered marriage. I'm speaking from long-term experience here. It can be done, but only if both parties are willing to put forth the effort and time to make it happen. You both need to learn a lot about each other, and about how to "affair proof" your marriage going forward. Proper boundary enforcement, improving communications, honesty, etc...

[WowReally]

Yes, you can rebuild your marriage after all of this.

 

If you choose to do so...and if your wife does the same.

 

You're doing a lot of the right things. I'd like to suggest a few more.

 

1. Start scheduling time to discuss your relationship/the affair/etc... Set times, with specific start and stop times. Keep a journal of what's discussed, and if you hit the stop time without having finished a discussion...journal it so that you can resume at that point in your next discussion. Have some kind of treat or "reward" planned for the two of you to enjoy after the session. It'll give you something to look forward to afterwards.

 

2. DO NOT DISCUSS THESE THINGS OUTSIDE OF THAT TIME, OR OUTSIDE OF MC SESSIONS.

 

3. Work with your counselor to explain your "smothering" and obsessive 'snooping' to your wife. It's the only way you can build your trust back up in her, after what's happened. It'll fade, with time and with her continuing to "prove" her trustworthiness. This was difficult for my wife to deal with too...but as long as she learns to recognize it as what it is...a TEMPORARY response to what's happened...it can be manageable.

 

4. Realize that it typically takes 2-5 years for a marriage to successfully recover from infidelity. This is a HUGE thing. You're in a marathon race...not a mad dash sprint to the end. It's going to take alot of effort and time to accomplish this goal. You both have to be committed to this.

 

5. Read up on marital recovery after infidelity. Check out "Surviving an Affair" as a good start.

 

I'm in a successfully recovered marriage. I'm speaking from long-term experience here. It can be done, but only if both parties are willing to put forth the effort and time to make it happen. You both need to learn a lot about each other, and about how to "affair proof" your marriage going forward. Proper boundary enforcement, improving communications, honesty, etc...

 

Did you ever leave your house?

 

How long had your A been going on before it was discovered?

 

Are you still in couseling?

[Owl]

No, I never left the house, although we did do an "in house seperation" for about a month after d-day.

 

Her EA had been ongoing for about 3 months, but hadn't seriously escalated until about 2 weeks before I was able to get my "proof" and force d-day to occur.

 

We did IC and MC for about a month or two after d-day, but then ended the IC and continued MC for about a year after d-day had occurred. It's been over six years ago now since all of this occurred, and we've not been in counseling of any kind for a long time now.

[WowReally]

Very kewl...Im glad things worked out for you guys

[painfullyobvious]

Some are able to build stronger deeper relationships but I do not see how they do it

 

http://uglykidd.blogspot.com/2010/08/how-to-forgive-cheating-partner.html

[silktricks]

 

I do have a few questions from those who have gone through this.

1. Did your life go back to normal? If yes or no, what changes wre there and did you settle?

 

Eventually our life returned to normal. It took quite awhile. For probably a year (maybe a little more) I didn't want to be alone. I'm fine with it now. My fWS has had a little harder time returning to "normal" IMO.

 

I'm a little more hyper aware of possible trouble spots in our relationship, as is he. And we both attempt to be more open about what has happened in situations where the other is absent.

2. Did your love life get better or worse? I am use to making love with my wife approx 3x a week. Is that still realistic? ARe there things that your spouses dont do anymore because it might remind them of the affair partner?

 

We've always had a very active sex life. There is nothing that we don't do now that we did before.

 

3. How did the spouse who ha the affair make it up to you. I am often finding my wife sulking, not wanting to talk, or fleeing at the idea of talking about it, even though this helps me work things through my mind.

 

He was open about everything. He didn't have the option of not wanting to talk, as if he chose to not talk to me, I would have left and not returned. He knew it.

 

4. Does this get easier? How do you not think that something is going on behind your back? How long, months? Years?

It goes away. It took me about 4 years.

 

see above

[insideguy95376]

We are working through all this. We did have a setback last week. We saw her affair partner at a festival. She told him to go away, but we left anyway. That was that. She also defriended (deleted) a girlfriend on facebook that was the middleman. Almost like the devil who tells her she was justified.. Thats now gone...

 

Seeing the ass was definitely something that triggered some past anxiety. Through all this I am finding out that I have some abandonment issues that are also accompanied by a lot of anxiety and hypervigilance now. She has not gone out with friends, has been around all the time. Sex life returning to normal and she constantly tells me that she made a bad choice. Is sticking by me and our kids and knows that this takes time. We do plan on getting out of this town and move away mid summer to another state to be closer to my family. The plans are coming along, shes doing the looking and deciding on whats best for our family.

 

We go to a MC every week. We talk, laugh, cry and keep things in the open. I find myself still checking up on things and find nothing.

 

But I personally find myself at an emotional crossroad. I am not sure if I have some post traumatic stress thing going on or a constant obsession to try and make myself feel down. (has anyone felt this obsessive need to relive the betrayal or fear of this happening again? is this just anxiety getting the best of me?)

 

I want to put this past me, but having a hard time not having these thoughts come to mind all the time. I call them obsessive. The counselor said its normal, but could lead to a compulsive disorder and I must put a stop sign in front of me everytime I think of the bad and redirect myself towards the good. Just want this fixation to go away. Move on. Understand that I can't control anything (or anyone) and not be so fixated on the stress (will she do this to me again) but rather to take it day by day and focus that she IS doing everything that a wife should be doing.

 

I am a control freak. realizing that I told her what to do. Controlled the situation. I dont have many friends, so I really had no need to get out of the house by myself with them. I enjoyed spending my time with her and mutual friends for dinner. Spend all my time with our kids (remember 1 is autistic and a handful). I have to learn to let go. Give her some freedom (scary, but I can't continue to smother her). But I am sitting her typing this message and feeling consumed by all of this. Anxiety at a level of 6 (scale of 1-10), and unsure why.

 

The marriage counselor constantly tells me that my wife has shown that she wants to rebuild our marriage and that it would be my smothering and consistent need of affection and reassurance that could drive our marriage backwards rather than forwards. That I need to utilize the tools she has put forth to stop my anxiety from getting the best of me and to lesson the obsessive need to check up on her.

 

TO ALL: I never thought I had a controlling personality before, even though I had been told I did, I just never thought that this could be a reason for the infidelity in the first place, my smothering personality. To really have my marriage restored, I need to work on myself. Feel good about myself. Feel content to be here quietly by myself and not go stir crazy. Just having a hard time getting started. Thanks for all of your comments... Keep them coming.

[wicar1]

divorce her !! once people get the taste of cheating they will always try to have more !!!

[Gfkr2]

divorce her !! once people get the taste of cheating they will always try to have more !!!

 

Absolutely correct. StbxW cheated years ago and I took her back and forgave her romantic A. I was foolish enough to blame myself for her infidelity.

 

Years later, she did the exact same thing. This time had the ballz to divorce her.

[cyabye]

The affair is over, she has been totally honest and upfront with no secrets. She wants to put it past us. Its been only 2 weeks. It was an emotional affair.

 

However, she is getting a little irritated that I am not moving forward as fast as her to get over this hump. She seems to be in a happy mood and wants me to be happy too. I dont want my depression and unhappy feelings to jepordize our getting over this and moving forward.

 

(Silktricks) how did you get past it, since you didnt say whether you were the one being cheated on, stop thinking about it or obsessing over it. After finding out, was their immediate intimacy with your spouse?

 

I do not consider a separation, but hope that she doesnt first get fed up with me being in the dumps over this.

 

Your wife slept with this other person. No doubt. She is probably still in contact with this person which is why you hardly have any sex and wants you to get over it so quickly. Cake eating...... Wow a whole 2 weeks and she get's aggrivated at you. Shame on you for not moving on . Divorce her. I speak from experience and you don't want to go through with what I had to endure. You will NEVER truly get over it. It will drive you to the brink of insanity.

 

cya