Wife had an affair... Can you actually rebuild your marriage?

[JAGeezer]

It's your choice. I decided to reconcile with my first W after her A. If it weren't for the fact that I got my youngest daughter out of it, I'd say it was the biggest mistake I ever made.

 

That being said, you're still in the early stages of this mess. True recovery can take up to five years. So don't be playing "Beat the Clock" in an effort to be normal again. The old normal is gone forever. Your wife and her lover killed it dead. The new normal is something that you won't even recognize until one day it hits you that you're happy and that you have been for a while. That could come by remaining married, or not...in not then your wife should have no reason to complain. She created the mess and you gave it your best shot.

 

Just take it one day at a time and remember to do what's right for you. It's okay to be selfish in this process. Your wife's selfishness put you here. Your own selfishness may be your only way out with your dignity and sanity intact.

 

JAG

[HawksRule]

We are working through all this. We did have a setback last week. We saw her affair partner at a festival. She told him to go away, but we left anyway. That was that. She also defriended (deleted) a girlfriend on facebook that was the middleman. Almost like the devil who tells her she was justified.. Thats now gone...

 

Seeing the ass was definitely something that triggered some past anxiety. Through all this I am finding out that I have some abandonment issues that are also accompanied by a lot of anxiety and hypervigilance now. She has not gone out with friends, has been around all the time. Sex life returning to normal and she constantly tells me that she made a bad choice. Is sticking by me and our kids and knows that this takes time. We do plan on getting out of this town and move away mid summer to another state to be closer to my family. The plans are coming along, shes doing the looking and deciding on whats best for our family.

 

We go to a MC every week. We talk, laugh, cry and keep things in the open. I find myself still checking up on things and find nothing.

 

But I personally find myself at an emotional crossroad. I am not sure if I have some post traumatic stress thing going on or a constant obsession to try and make myself feel down. (has anyone felt this obsessive need to relive the betrayal or fear of this happening again? is this just anxiety getting the best of me?)

 

I want to put this past me, but having a hard time not having these thoughts come to mind all the time. I call them obsessive. The counselor said its normal, but could lead to a compulsive disorder and I must put a stop sign in front of me everytime I think of the bad and redirect myself towards the good. Just want this fixation to go away. Move on. Understand that I can't control anything (or anyone) and not be so fixated on the stress (will she do this to me again) but rather to take it day by day and focus that she IS doing everything that a wife should be doing.

 

I am a control freak. realizing that I told her what to do. Controlled the situation. I dont have many friends, so I really had no need to get out of the house by myself with them. I enjoyed spending my time with her and mutual friends for dinner. Spend all my time with our kids (remember 1 is autistic and a handful). I have to learn to let go. Give her some freedom (scary, but I can't continue to smother her). But I am sitting her typing this message and feeling consumed by all of this. Anxiety at a level of 6 (scale of 1-10), and unsure why.

 

The marriage counselor constantly tells me that my wife has shown that she wants to rebuild our marriage and that it would be my smothering and consistent need of affection and reassurance that could drive our marriage backwards rather than forwards. That I need to utilize the tools she has put forth to stop my anxiety from getting the best of me and to lesson the obsessive need to check up on her.

 

TO ALL: I never thought I had a controlling personality before, even though I had been told I did, I just never thought that this could be a reason for the infidelity in the first place, my smothering personality. To really have my marriage restored, I need to work on myself. Feel good about myself. Feel content to be here quietly by myself and not go stir crazy. Just having a hard time getting started. Thanks for all of your comments... Keep them coming.

 

Okay I have never been in your situation, but I will try to still offer some advice, because I feel like so many people on here are too quick to say leave. I asked some advice on here, but I decided to ignore a good 80% of it because of the reason I listed above. Would you ever want to leave something like this knowing you didn't give it everything you possibly could?

 

Sounds like your wife knows she did wrong, and truthfully feels bad about it. She wants to make it work. You also say you want to make it work. So make it work. It's water under the bridge, leave it alone. Focus on your future with her, not the past (unless it's a good past like pictures, hoem movies, vacations, etc.)

 

Although she did the bad thing, you can't keep her in limbo forever. Cus yes eventually, she could go back into that mindset that put you two where you are today. Stop checking her emails, texts, phones. Just trust and love her. bring back that love and passion. From what you're saying, it sounds like if you show her you love her, you will feel it in return. When you feel true love from her, it's one of the easiest ways to trust someone. i.e. when someone is all over you, it's almost impossible to feel like they could ever even want to be with anyone else. Hell you never even think about it anymore.

 

There's a quote I read somewhere that said something like this "you can fall back in love, all you have to do is decide to do it, and do it". The trust will come back, she's trying, take it day by day. Good luck to you two.

[witabix]

(has anyone felt this obsessive need to relive the betrayal or fear of this happening again? is this just anxiety getting the best of me?)

 

I think it is clearly anxiety over the possibility.

 

Move on. Understand that I can't control anything (or anyone)

 

You can control yourself though. That is so easy for me to write sitting here I know. Move on, yes, but with the feeling that you are in control of yourself. The fear is inside you, your wife seems to be doing what she can to assuage those fears, try to respond by relaxing your vigilance, allow yourself to trust and believe.

 

TO ALL: I never thought I had a controlling personality before, even though I had been told I did, I just never thought that this could be a reason for the infidelity in the first place, my smothering personality. To really have my marriage restored, I need to work on myself. Feel good about myself. Feel content to be here quietly by myself and not go stir crazy. Just having a hard time getting started. Thanks for all of your comments... Keep them coming.

 

I wouldn't necessarily agree that you can take the blame for causing your partner to be unfaithful, I think that lies far more on her shoulders than on yours. Many people say it takes two to make a marriage work, and I am sure that is true but don't let the echoes of the past affect your families happiness in the future. I can well imagine you are having a hard time getting started. You said yourself you feel as though you stand at an emotional crossroads, choose the right path now. Take the risk, your wife seems to be there to help you through.

 

I think you have been given some good advice here, Owl holds an example of recovery, you can do the same.

 

Be brave my friend, for yourself, your children and your wife.

[karnak]

divorce her !! once people get the taste of cheating they will always try to have more !!!

 

Not necessarily true.

 

But, for people without character, who have no true feelings or respect for those they're married with... yes, they will cheat again. Without remorse.

 

Cheating can be addictive and sexually stimulating for those involved. And, if a person is involved in a meaningless or futile relationship, they're sure to want to taste those sensations again.

[bohogirl]

OP,

 

You can take a leap of faith and work you butt off making sure that your wife feels cherished. The problem is that unless she is equally committed your efforts will not sustain the relationship. It may limp along (if you are lucky) but the magic will be gone.

 

One person cannot carry a relationship longterm without suffering under the strain. You know that. You need to talk to each other about the future and whether you can get back on track. This does not mean discussing the affair but whether she wants to remain married to you in any meaningful way.

[Dexter Morgan]

You can take a leap of faith and work you butt off making sure that your wife feels cherished.

 

emotional extortion. cheat, and get him to act a certain way. a very valuable lesson his cheating wife can come away with on this.

 

yes, if he is to decide to keep the marriage, he needs to work on his actions with his wife...but to work his butt off? The person that should bear the brundt of effort here is his cheating wife. Yes, he has a responsibility as well, but he need not break his back making the effort. and effort yes, but becoming a lapdog as a result of emotional extortion....no.

[Darth Vader]

We are working through all this. We did have a setback last week. We saw her affair partner at a festival. She told him to go away, but we left anyway. That was that. She also defriended (deleted) a girlfriend on facebook that was the middleman. Almost like the devil who tells her she was justified.. Thats now gone...

 

Seeing the ass was definitely something that triggered some past anxiety. Through all this I am finding out that I have some abandonment issues that are also accompanied by a lot of anxiety and hypervigilance now. She has not gone out with friends, has been around all the time. Sex life returning to normal and she constantly tells me that she made a bad choice. Is sticking by me and our kids and knows that this takes time. We do plan on getting out of this town and move away mid summer to another state to be closer to my family. The plans are coming along, shes doing the looking and deciding on whats best for our family.

 

We go to a MC every week. We talk, laugh, cry and keep things in the open. I find myself still checking up on things and find nothing.

 

But I personally find myself at an emotional crossroad. I am not sure if I have some post traumatic stress thing going on or a constant obsession to try and make myself feel down. (has anyone felt this obsessive need to relive the betrayal or fear of this happening again? is this just anxiety getting the best of me?)

 

I want to put this past me, but having a hard time not having these thoughts come to mind all the time. I call them obsessive. The counselor said its normal, but could lead to a compulsive disorder and I must put a stop sign in front of me everytime I think of the bad and redirect myself towards the good. Just want this fixation to go away. Move on. Understand that I can't control anything (or anyone) and not be so fixated on the stress (will she do this to me again) but rather to take it day by day and focus that she IS doing everything that a wife should be doing.

 

I am a control freak. realizing that I told her what to do. Controlled the situation. I dont have many friends, so I really had no need to get out of the house by myself with them. I enjoyed spending my time with her and mutual friends for dinner. Spend all my time with our kids (remember 1 is autistic and a handful). I have to learn to let go. Give her some freedom (scary, but I can't continue to smother her). But I am sitting her typing this message and feeling consumed by all of this. Anxiety at a level of 6 (scale of 1-10), and unsure why.

 

The marriage counselor constantly tells me that my wife has shown that she wants to rebuild our marriage and that it would be my smothering and consistent need of affection and reassurance that could drive our marriage backwards rather than forwards. That I need to utilize the tools she has put forth to stop my anxiety from getting the best of me and to lesson the obsessive need to check up on her.

 

TO ALL: I never thought I had a controlling personality before, even though I had been told I did, I just never thought that this could be a reason for the infidelity in the first place, my smothering personality. To really have my marriage restored, I need to work on myself. Feel good about myself. Feel content to be here quietly by myself and not go stir crazy. Just having a hard time getting started. Thanks for all of your comments... Keep them coming.

 

 

Smothering personality being a reason for infidelity? I call that a BULL$HIT answer! She's blameshifting her cheating onto you by calling you controling and her counselor is following her lead! Fire the counselor and get another counselor if you still want to try to save your marriage! Personally, I'd drop her ass first, and not worry about her cheating anymore! You're getting blamed for your wife's cheating from the counselor as well, get rid of that lousy loser counselor!

[wicar1]

After 12 years of what I thought was a great marriage, I found out that my wife was texting a guy she met 4 months ago. They texted every day and went out to lunch on a few ocassions. I confronted her and we both agreed to go to marriage counseling.

 

During counseling last month she stated that she wanted space, kept to herself and really disconnected with me. (please note we have 3 children,).. During our conversations with the counselor she stated that she has stopped all contact with him.

 

I found a text last week that they had she contacted him, and met up(although did not have sex) did more than I would like to know. I confronted her that I knew. I exploded, broke the TV and told her that she needed to choose. She completely started to cry, saying she was stupid, took full responsibility and wants to make this marriage work. She tells me she loves me everyday (although sex is less frequently, said this is was the catalyst of our problem.) I am working on this problem with her now which will take time.

 

We went to the counselor, where she completely has done a 180, has not left my side, tells me she loves me, and has been an open book allowing me to see any texts, emails from anyone. She is being totally honest and says we will be married forever, and will take time for her to regain my trust which she is willing to rebuild.

 

Here's my problem.. I cant get this distrust out of my head. I am obsessing over it. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get past this? I do want this marriage to work, I know it will take time, but I am losing interest in lots of things I found enjoyable, because I constantly thinking about the trust that has been broken. We are planning things together, she seems upbeat, I am depressed and now taking medication for it. She tells me that its completely over and doesnt even think about the guy.

 

Has anyone actually made it through this, rebuild trust and still have a good marriage and worked it out?

 

She can never be trusted again mate. just divorce her...find someone who will be faithful to you.

[WowReally]

My xMM told me he is hoping to back in his house in about a month or so...I guess Im happy for them...this is his second f up with is wife that she's found out about in the last 7-8 years. I guess the history and way of life is just too hard to throw away. They've been married over 20 yrs. so I can pseudo understand their need to make things work.

[wicar1]

thanks to everyone with their encouragement & support. Here is where we stand now. We have decided to make a go of things. Although this has been a very painful journey. I still find myself obsessing over things and have had a great deal of anxiety and depression from this ordeal. From many of our readers I see their answers of the cheating spouse doing everything they can to ensure that my worries are put to a minimum. However I have having a few issues that I would like some help with.

 

I often find myself checking phone records, and emails and have found nothing. Put my compulsive behavior is driving me crazy and I also no that this obsessive behavior is making me more clingy and less attractive. Other thank taking more Xanax, should I be checking these things regularly or am I invading her privacy too much.

 

I also find myself depressed and worried in general. I have no interest to do anything when she is gone and getting annoyed at the simpliest things. Will this go away. I know you cant rebuild trust in a few months, but what amount of trust should be extended.

 

It drives me crazy just her wanting free time to go out with friends. I want to be with her (Smothering...but still true). I'll sit at home with the kids and wait till she gets home. No enthusiasm to do anything. This is ****ty.

 

Do I have any chance to make this marriage work and rebuild.. I am going insane.

 

once a cheater always a cheater !!!

 

Don't take your chances...I am sure you don't wanna get hurt again. Don't risk it.

 

It is normal for you too go through all her records. By staying in this marriage your making yourself more vulnarable. 100% fact is that you will never trust her again. Whenever she's late you might get thoughts of her banging some other guy. This will hurt you and your kids ...sooner than you expect. Best thing you can do now is leave her.

Good luck

[thinkfast444]

Tough times. Know you are not alone.

 

I've been through this within the last 4 months. She probably had sex with him, or would have if not discovered. Of course, being a man it was his intention to have sex with your wife. The friend thing was just to get him in the door. That's the direction it was going, the only question is how far it went. Either way it's the redirected emotional energy that is the devastating part. A drunk one-nighter is supposed to be easier to get through.

 

Right now I'm reading Emotional Infidelity by Gary Neuman and finding it very worthwhile. You may want to look into it.

 

As far as regaining trust, like others have said it takes time. For me, three months for my life to regain any sense of normalcy. I'm expecting a year before things really feel "right".

 

Good Luck,

 

ThinkFast

 

After 12 years of what I thought was a great marriage, I found out that my wife was texting a guy she met 4 months ago. They texted every day and went out to lunch on a few ocassions. I confronted her and we both agreed to go to marriage counseling.

 

During counseling last month she stated that she wanted space, kept to herself and really disconnected with me. (please note we have 3 children,).. During our conversations with the counselor she stated that she has stopped all contact with him.

 

I found a text last week that they had she contacted him, and met up(although did not have sex) did more than I would like to know. I confronted her that I knew. I exploded, broke the TV and told her that she needed to choose. She completely started to cry, saying she was stupid, took full responsibility and wants to make this marriage work. She tells me she loves me everyday (although sex is less frequently, said this is was the catalyst of our problem.) I am working on this problem with her now which will take time.

 

We went to the counselor, where she completely has done a 180, has not left my side, tells me she loves me, and has been an open book allowing me to see any texts, emails from anyone. She is being totally honest and says we will be married forever, and will take time for her to regain my trust which she is willing to rebuild.

 

Here's my problem.. I cant get this distrust out of my head. I am obsessing over it. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get past this? I do want this marriage to work, I know it will take time, but I am losing interest in lots of things I found enjoyable, because I constantly thinking about the trust that has been broken. We are planning things together, she seems upbeat, I am depressed and now taking medication for it. She tells me that its completely over and doesnt even think about the guy.

 

Has anyone actually made it through this, rebuild trust and still have a good marriage and worked it out?

[thinkfast444]

Remember that the decision to stay with her is your's and your's alone. No one here on LS, including me knows everything that you know or feels what you feel so don't substitute their judgement for your own.

 

As far as time, from what I've read she shouldn't be pushing you at two weeks. At six months yea a bit of a push is in order. What she did to you was devastating and you need time to come to terms with it. After two weeks I was still bull****. Really, I was bull**** after two months but that was because the ****er wouldn't go away until I confronted him face to face.

 

I feel for you man.

 

TFast

 

The affair is over, she has been totally honest and upfront with no secrets. She wants to put it past us. Its been only 2 weeks. It was an emotional affair.

 

However, she is getting a little irritated that I am not moving forward as fast as her to get over this hump. She seems to be in a happy mood and wants me to be happy too. I dont want my depression and unhappy feelings to jepordize our getting over this and moving forward.

 

(Silktricks) how did you get past it, since you didnt say whether you were the one being cheated on, stop thinking about it or obsessing over it. After finding out, was their immediate intimacy with your spouse?

 

I do not consider a separation, but hope that she doesnt first get fed up with me being in the dumps over this.

[insideguy95376]

I am totally frustrated right now and need to vent. My wife went out bowling yesterday with her girlfriends. It started at 6:30 - typically over by 10:00. At 10:45 I called her, no answer, at 11:45 no answer. at 12:45 no answer at 1:00am she called said she was at her girlfriends house, just leaving, heard the girls in the background. I am furious. No phone call, no letting me know where she's at. This morning she apologized. I am pissed. She thinks I am over-reacting, says I a bringing up old stuff, we talked... Discussed how she was wrong and that was that. brought it back up and she's irritated, says we talked about it and I shouldnt need to rebring this up after we discussed it.

 

know she wasn't doing anything wrong. Just frustrated that someone who should be trying so hard to make a marriage work should be not answering their phone....

[2sunny]

I am totally frustrated right now and need to vent. My wife went out bowling yesterday with her girlfriends. It started at 6:30 - typically over by 10:00. At 10:45 I called her, no answer, at 11:45 no answer. at 12:45 no answer at 1:00am she called said she was at her girlfriends house, just leaving, heard the girls in the background. I am furious. No phone call, no letting me know where she's at. This morning she apologized. I am pissed. She thinks I am over-reacting, says I a bringing up old stuff, we talked... Discussed how she was wrong and that was that. brought it back up and she's irritated, says we talked about it and I shouldnt need to rebring this up after we discussed it.

 

know she wasn't doing anything wrong. Just frustrated that someone who should be trying so hard to make a marriage work should be not answering their phone....

 

that's lousy of her. disregarding you and disrespecting you isn't one bit acceptable.

 

SHE is the one who has raised suspicion. and she has the nerve to say you are over reacting? that's about as low as she can go.

 

SHE was out until WAY too late without answering her phone. over reaction or not - i'd definitely assume she was meeting with someone else besides women.

 

you aren't over reacting. she should be willing to DO anything NOT to raise suspicion for you - but that's not what she's doing. that says enough right there.

 

i'd throw her out so fast her head would spin. she's not playing nice or fair at all.

 

her actions show you she is willing to have fun at your expense.

[GorillaTheater]

you aren't over reacting. she should be willing to DO anything NOT to raise suspicion for you - but that's not what she's doing. that says enough right there.

 

i'd throw her out so fast her head would spin.

 

100% agree. She should be doing the heavy lifting in a reconciliation. The fact is that she doesn't respect you or the marriage enough to make more than a feeble, token effort. Time to get her attention.

 

"Look, this isn't working for me. I get that you're not interested enough in this marriage to do any more than a bare minimum. But that "minimum" isn't enough for me. To be honest, I'm not interested in this marriage either at this point. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Life's too short. I've decided that it'll be best to go our separate ways." And do it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am totally frustrated right now and need to vent. My wife went out bowling yesterday with her girlfriends. It started at 6:30 - typically over by 10:00. At 10:45 I called her, no answer, at 11:45 no answer. at 12:45 no answer at 1:00am she called said she was at her girlfriends house, just leaving, heard the girls in the background. I am furious. No phone call, no letting me know where she's at. This morning she apologized. I am pissed. She thinks I am over-reacting, says I a bringing up old stuff, we talked... Discussed how she was wrong and that was that. brought it back up and she's irritated, says we talked about it and I shouldnt need to rebring this up after we discussed it.

 

know she wasn't doing anything wrong. Just frustrated that someone who should be trying so hard to make a marriage work should be not answering their phone....

 

who gives a s##t if she did anything wrong or not. How stupid is she to think she can be a cheater, and stay out MUCH later than expected and never answer her phone?

 

Dude, I know you probably don't want to think about it, but I really think this wife is no wife at all and needs to not be a wife any longer.

 

You will just have to put up with her suspicious behavior if you stay with her.

 

Or you can free yourself from a wretch like this and move on with your life.

 

And I don't believe for one minute, while not answering her phone and staying out late that she did NOT do anything. I think she did.

 

But you have to decide whether you deserve better than a cheating "woman" like this or not.

[cuore_depresso]

divorce her !! once people get the taste of cheating they will always try to have more !!!

 

BS....I cheated on my ex-wife many years ago. There has been NO desire to cheat on my current wife, none. As a matter of fact I look back and see the damage I caused and there is no way I would do that again.

 

Sorry...even though I have only been here a short time, these kind of blanket statements are just wrong.

[karnak]

BS....I cheated on my ex-wife many years ago. There has been NO desire to cheat on my current wife, none. As a matter of fact I look back and see the damage I caused and there is no way I would do that again.

 

Sorry...even though I have only been here a short time, these kind of blanket statements are just wrong.

 

I dare to say you don't cheat now, because you love your actual wife.

 

If you still were with your first one I don't think you'd have such ethic issues.

[cuore_depresso]

I dare to say you don't cheat now, because you love your actual wife.

 

If you still were with your first one I don't think you'd have such ethic issues.

 

No...I would have moved out and ended it. I guess it is experience, it is hindsight, but I have seen/caused pain by being a WS and there is no way I would ever do that again, even if I did not love her.

[karnak]

No...I would have moved out and ended it. .

 

If that is true, then that is noble of you. One must always assume their actions and mistakes. Very few do, though.

[redtail]

...

know she wasn't doing anything wrong. Just frustrated that someone who should be trying so hard to make a marriage work should be not answering their phone....

 

This incident does not bode well. In many ways, my (ex)wife was similar, in that she did not see a reason to quell my doubts about her whereabouts. Turns out, she did not honor her "no contact" promise.

 

I'm not saying this will happen to you, but the red flag has been raised and if there is going to be any chance at all at reconciliation in your marriage, she needs to understand it will require her participation. If she can not commit, you might start to consider that you'll need to cut your losses.

 

Good luck!

[DazednConfused]

I am totally frustrated right now and need to vent. My wife went out bowling yesterday with her girlfriends. It started at 6:30 - typically over by 10:00. At 10:45 I called her, no answer, at 11:45 no answer. at 12:45 no answer at 1:00am she called said she was at her girlfriends house, just leaving, heard the girls in the background. I am furious. No phone call, no letting me know where she's at. This morning she apologized. I am pissed. She thinks I am over-reacting, says I a bringing up old stuff, we talked... Discussed how she was wrong and that was that. brought it back up and she's irritated, says we talked about it and I shouldnt need to rebring this up after we discussed it.

 

know she wasn't doing anything wrong. Just frustrated that someone who should be trying so hard to make a marriage work should be not answering their phone....

 

Only you know your wife. The very idea that she doesn't get that this thing is a constant hum in your brain, that anything she does out of the ordinary or running late will trigger you should be a concern to her.

 

She has compartmentalized her affair very deeply... she isn't cognizant that it is at the forefront of your mind 24/7. She needs to be aware and be willing to work with you... she is not.

 

Trust your gut.... do you truly know she did nothing... or do you want so badly to believe it that you have convinced yourself? I ask because that was the mistake I made and kept me in my own bitter hell for over three years...

 

Your call.

 

-Dazed

[Dexter Morgan]

BS....I cheated on my ex-wife many years ago. There has been NO desire to cheat on my current wife, none. As a matter of fact I look back and see the damage I caused and there is no way I would do that again.

 

Sorry...even though I have only been here a short time, these kind of blanket statements are just wrong.

 

in this scenario with OP and his wife, I think its absolutely spot on.

 

She cheated and then goes off and stays out late and ignores her phone. She is still "out there" engaging in behavior that allowed her to cheat more easily in the first place.

 

Someone who has cheated and is remorseful doesn't give their BS a reason to be suspicious like OP's wife is.

 

She has got the taste of cheating in her mouth...cheating on him. And she doesn't show any signs of humility or respect for her husband.

[insideguy95376]

I am going crazy. I feel like a teenager, looking over my shoulder, wanting to pry and check emails, voice messages all the time. Ughh. I am being consumed by this entire ****ed up relationship. I want it to work. She states she wants it to work. Sometimes her actions are a little offkey (Need a little time to herself stuff) we typically spend 24/7 together so I can get that smothering is no good.

 

She is not doing anything unethical behind my back. But my insecurities are getting the best of me and I'm thinking I am sabotaging this unintentially now. Totally consumed 24/7.

 

HELP. My gut says that I may never get over this initial hurt. That unless the marriage is perfect from today on, that I will be stuck in miserable limbo because I dont have enough guts to throw in the towel. Since I dont have friends (my wife is my best friend), and I know this sounds pathetic, I dont want to be alone.

 

I have been told that I need to start taking care of my own life. That I have been trying to make her's my life that I have neglected myself. I dont have interest in doing things now, and the desire to get out there and swing a few clubs sounds uninteresting. (Depression.... maybe, or just insecurities)

 

All of you posters... thanks for your comments. I read them all. Some are blunt and state leave now. Some state hang in there. If I decide to move on, will she then realize what a good thing she had and lost. And I come running back? I want to be happy... yet everyday feel miserable. If I walk, I will still be miserable and possibly worse? Right? or do I stick around, dont smother, dont bring it up and see if we go in the direction we have been trying to do? Will I ever find happiness again in either a relationship or not?

 

Send your comments... I know some will say just walk... but its a very hard thought and don't know if I have the balls to do it. How do you grow a pair?

[karnak]

All of you posters... thanks for your comments. I read them all. Some are blunt and state leave now. Some state hang in there. If I decide to move on, will she then realize what a good thing she had and lost. And I come running back? I want to be happy... yet everyday feel miserable. If I walk, I will still be miserable and possibly worse? Right? or do I stick around, dont smother, dont bring it up and see if we go in the direction we have been trying to do? Will I ever find happiness again in either a relationship or not?

 

Send your comments... I know some will say just walk... but its a very hard thought and don't know if I have the balls to do it. How do you grow a pair?

 

Your marriage has messed up your mind. You spent so much time with your wife that you now think that you can't live without her.

 

Your relationship right now is not an healthy one. You are dependant on your wife. But she is not dependant on you. Sooner or later your wife will find another man who she thinks "truly makes her happy and complete". She then will have no problems in terminating your marriage and leaving you for good. Then you'll really be alone and miserable.

 

You may or may not find a decent woman if you leave your relationship. It's very hard to find a decent woman. It's not a thing of our times... it was always like that. But you'll never find one if you keep stuck in your marriage.

 

And, right now, you're not living with a good woman, that's for sure.

 

Sorry if my post is bitter or has offended you somehow. It is not my intention. Just my opinion.

 

Try to think clearly about your options. Take some time alone. A sort of "reflexion hollidays".