RobD70 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 100% agree. She should be doing the heavy lifting in a reconciliation. The fact is that she doesn't respect you or the marriage enough to make more than a feeble, token effort. Time to get her attention. "Look, this isn't working for me. I get that you're not interested enough in this marriage to do any more than a bare minimum. But that "minimum" isn't enough for me. To be honest, I'm not interested in this marriage either at this point. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Life's too short. I've decided that it'll be best to go our separate ways." And do it. QFT. Something just like this happened right before my wife left the second time. She really felt that simply just being there was enough and couldn't understand why I kept saying she wasn't doing her part. She simply just wasn't 100% invested (like the OP's) but was in denial about it. The only way to "wake them up" is to kick them to the curb until they REALLY understand what they are losing. HELP. My gut says that I may never get over this initial hurt. That unless the marriage is perfect from today on, that I will be stuck in miserable limbo because I dont have enough guts to throw in the towel. Since I dont have friends (my wife is my best friend), and I know this sounds pathetic, I dont want to be alone. This is a problem. You are co-dependent and that road leads to failure. You need to start focusing on yourself and know that you don't need anybody to be happy. If you don't take matters in your own hands you are going to be alone whether you want to be or not because she isn't all that happy either (or else she wouldn't be disrespecting you so much) and she'll up and leave. Women can't love men they don't respect and since you only nag and don't take actions then she has lost respect for you. I did the same thing myself and today I hate not showing any backbone back then. Believe it or not, trying to end things with her will make her respect you. I don't see the status quo lasting very long. Considering how she likes to go out and disappear for a while she is setting herself up for an affair and the second she finds someone she thinks is stable you are going to be history. Your best bet is to beat her to the punch and hopefully turn her around before it gets to that point.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I am going crazy. I feel like a teenager, looking over my shoulder, wanting to pry and check emails, voice messages all the time. Ughh. I am being consumed by this entire ****ed up relationship. I want it to work. She states she wants it to work. Sometimes her actions are a little offkey (Need a little time to herself stuff) we typically spend 24/7 together so I can get that smothering is no good. She is not doing anything unethical behind my back. being someone who has cheated, and staying out late while ignoring your phone calls is unethical. But my insecurities are getting the best of me and I'm thinking I am sabotaging this unintentially now. Totally consumed 24/7. she GAVE you reason to be insecure and staying out on girls nights out and ignoring your calls doesn't help. and here is the kicker...she cheats, causes you pain, gives you reason to be uneasy about her...but she is going to get mad because you have feelings....feelings which she trampled all over by effing another guy. this says more about her character....it isn't bad enough she is a cheater...but if she cared, she'd understand that your state of mind was caused by her actions...and she isn't showing any desire to engage in appropriate communications with you and coming home at decent hours. If she wants to be single, then tell her to be single...if she wants to be a wife, she needs to act like one. HELP. My gut says that I may never get over this initial hurt. not with your wife's attitude, no you won't. That unless the marriage is perfect from today on, that I will be stuck in miserable limbo because I dont have enough guts to throw in the towel. been there done that. I didn't have the guts think about a painful divorce and what would happen to my kids....but that wasn't my doing...it was hers. trust me, if you are thinking about throwing in the towel...its hard, it is scary not knowing how things will shake out. but there is light at the end of the tunnel...and when you are done with all of it and you have moved on away from her unremorseful, cold-hearted, coming home late ass....you'll be able to live again. I did.....you can too. Since I dont have friends (my wife is my best friend), and I know this sounds pathetic, I dont want to be alone. the alternative is staying with a woman that isn't trustworthy, and doesn't give a crap about you enough to behave in a manner that doesn't cause you heartache. I have been told that I need to start taking care of my own life. That I have been trying to make her's my life that I have neglected myself. I dont have interest in doing things now, and the desire to get out there and swing a few clubs sounds uninteresting. (Depression.... maybe, or just insecurities) you don't swing clubs. all that will get you is another worthless partner. you just live life for yourself....go to the gym....take care of yourself.....and future companionship with someone will take care of itself. don't be in a hurry to NOT be alone. Enjoy being single for a while!!! All of you posters... thanks for your comments. I read them all. Some are blunt and state leave now. Some state hang in there. to the ones that say hang in there....what would you be hanging in there for? A woman that doesn't have enough love and respect for you to realize that after her cheating, staying out late and not answering her phone is tormenting you? Again, you would be hanging in there for a wife who doesn't want to act like a wife, much less a wife that cares about how you feel. If I decide to move on, will she then realize what a good thing she had and lost. maybe, maybe not....but she will no longer be your problem. And I come running back? NO! You stay away from her! I want to be happy... yet everyday feel miserable. which is why you need to dump this tart.
DazednConfused Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Rob and Dexter above are in the "leave her and run like the wind" camp... others are in the "if you love her, make her see the light" camp. All make valid points. Insideguy; you sound sooo much like me 6 years ago, it truly makes me sick to my stomach. My ex-wife was never a part of my world... she was completely my world. I had given up all my own friends, most of my own hobbies and pastimes over the years we were together. I realize now i did this at her urging. She didn't one day come to me and say "i want you to toss out all you were and become totally and completely my slave"; rather, it was a long slow, insidious process of dissapproving looks, nudges, digs about my behaviour, etc... I was her freaking lapdog and I didn't even know it! Worse, I thought I was happy there. So much so, that when I found out that she was stump-jumping, my first reaction was not to dump the nasty thing, but to make her see how good i was... WRONG! I thought that by being everything she always said she wanted from me, there was no way she could stray.... WRONG! I thought by continuing to roll over and take it in the nuts, I was showing her what a special, and forgiving man I am.... WRONG! I believed things i read, that I could meet her "needs" if we simply communicated enough about them.... WRONG! I made soooo many WRONG decisions and actions I can't even recount them, nor do I want to. Like you, I had given up everything; had few friends, none of them close; had no desire to do or be anything just for me, because it all felt completely empty and futile if she wasn't a part of it. So... I stayed... i justified... i told myself i was being unreasonable.... I made excuses for her.... and i took it in the balls... all the while telling myself i was doing the right thing, and the only thing that would give me a chance to be happy again. I had placed everything I had ever had into my marriage, and could hardly imagine not having her in my life. Lucky for me, like you (even though you don't see it for what it is yet), I was obsessed to an unhealthy level with her whereabouts, actions, and how she related to me. My conscious mind made excuses and rationalizations because i wanted desperately to believe; my sub-conscious mind knew I didn't have all I needed and proddeed me to continually suspect. It took two years, endless backtracking, lots of uncomfortable phone calls, etc... but I found two other affairs, and potentially a third i could not confirm. Gradually, I found my nut-sack again, realized i had lost her respect for more than half our marriage... and knew I could never regain her respect, nor re-build any respect for her cheating ass. My ex-wife did exactly as yours is doing... she played apologetic, did the things for me that were convenient (so i could justify she was making an effort to save our marriage), and went on doing her thing. The efforts she made were all the easy ones, all the while complaining that i was being unreasonable in asking for them. She never did any counseling... (one session couples, that was quite uncomfortable for her)... she was never cognizant that i should continue to have triggers and was very impatient that they should linger, especially way down the road...(way down the road to her was a couple of months). Divorce scared me stupid.... the thought of being alone even more so. But I grabbed my sack, took a breath and finally just did it. It took me three long, miserable years to find enough of myself to get it done tho. (I justified the time in saying I was getting my teenage daughter through school first; I was looking for excuses not to do what deep down I knew I had to. To this day, my daughter is saddened that I waited so long to find my own happiness again) We divorced just over three years ago, and haven't spoken more than a few sentences since, none at all in two years. yeah, i missed her at first, but really, not as much, nor as long as I initially expected. Being single is a massive adjustment, and it ain't easy. I did the suddenly-single-man-whoring, I did the recently-divorced-feeling-sorry-for-myself thing for a while too. BUT! I finally reached the point where not only was I my own man again... i actually liked who I turned to be. In the last three years on my own, I've dated dozens of women, had three good relationships that ended for one reason or another, learned to do my own laundry, re-located my daughter to me and helped her get her feet, my business folded, lost my home to foreclosure, nearly ended up on the streets, been lied to, stolen from, vandalized, had a complete career change, bought another foreclosure home, learned to remodel and repair, and laughed ALOT! through it all, I've been happier than I was even for many years before I found out about my ex-wife's disrespect. Now, I just spent a whole lot of time typing all this out for you... I will say it again; this decision is totally yours, only you stand in your shoes. I wanted you to know that there is another road... neither one is easy, but you have the option and if i can do it, you can. Just have to find your balls and your spine for either one... first thing. Dazed
redtail Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 ... Send your comments... I know some will say just walk... but its a very hard thought and don't know if I have the balls to do it. How do you grow a pair? You're not going crazy, trust me, I know what it feels like, as do many of the others here. I hurts like hell and you just wish you had a fool proof plan that showed you the future, allowed to peek ahead and make sure the decision you make is the right one. You'll know my friend, you'll know. When people spoke of divorce to me, it scared me and I just couldn't identify with it. I just thought it would never happen to me, to us. In the time before I discovered my final proof that my ex was not going to be honest, I got to be a stronger person. You will too, not saying you'll need to leave, but being a stronger person is good whether or not things work out for you and your wife. Stay strong, stay focused and stay aware. keep your eyes open, it's not smothering. The burden of proof is on her, look for it or look for a lack of it. The decision will become easier with time and knowledge. Best of luck to you my friend!
karnak Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 Rob and Dexter above are in the "leave her and run like the wind" camp... others are in the "if you love her, make her see the light" camp. All make valid points. Insideguy; you sound sooo much like me 6 years ago, it truly makes me sick to my stomach. My ex-wife was never a part of my world... she was completely my world. I had given up all my own friends, most of my own hobbies and pastimes over the years we were together. I realize now i did this at her urging. She didn't one day come to me and say "i want you to toss out all you were and become totally and completely my slave"; rather, it was a long slow, insidious process of dissapproving looks, nudges, digs about my behaviour, etc... I was her freaking lapdog and I didn't even know it! Worse, I thought I was happy there. So much so, that when I found out that she was stump-jumping, my first reaction was not to dump the nasty thing, but to make her see how good i was... WRONG! I thought that by being everything she always said she wanted from me, there was no way she could stray.... WRONG! I thought by continuing to roll over and take it in the nuts, I was showing her what a special, and forgiving man I am.... WRONG! I believed things i read, that I could meet her "needs" if we simply communicated enough about them.... WRONG! I made soooo many WRONG decisions and actions I can't even recount them, nor do I want to. Like you, I had given up everything; had few friends, none of them close; had no desire to do or be anything just for me, because it all felt completely empty and futile if she wasn't a part of it. So... I stayed... i justified... i told myself i was being unreasonable.... I made excuses for her.... and i took it in the balls... all the while telling myself i was doing the right thing, and the only thing that would give me a chance to be happy again. I had placed everything I had ever had into my marriage, and could hardly imagine not having her in my life. Lucky for me, like you (even though you don't see it for what it is yet), I was obsessed to an unhealthy level with her whereabouts, actions, and how she related to me. My conscious mind made excuses and rationalizations because i wanted desperately to believe; my sub-conscious mind knew I didn't have all I needed and proddeed me to continually suspect. It took two years, endless backtracking, lots of uncomfortable phone calls, etc... but I found two other affairs, and potentially a third i could not confirm. Gradually, I found my nut-sack again, realized i had lost her respect for more than half our marriage... and knew I could never regain her respect, nor re-build any respect for her cheating ass. My ex-wife did exactly as yours is doing... she played apologetic, did the things for me that were convenient (so i could justify she was making an effort to save our marriage), and went on doing her thing. The efforts she made were all the easy ones, all the while complaining that i was being unreasonable in asking for them. She never did any counseling... (one session couples, that was quite uncomfortable for her)... she was never cognizant that i should continue to have triggers and was very impatient that they should linger, especially way down the road...(way down the road to her was a couple of months). Divorce scared me stupid.... the thought of being alone even more so. But I grabbed my sack, took a breath and finally just did it. It took me three long, miserable years to find enough of myself to get it done tho. (I justified the time in saying I was getting my teenage daughter through school first; I was looking for excuses not to do what deep down I knew I had to. To this day, my daughter is saddened that I waited so long to find my own happiness again) We divorced just over three years ago, and haven't spoken more than a few sentences since, none at all in two years. yeah, i missed her at first, but really, not as much, nor as long as I initially expected. Being single is a massive adjustment, and it ain't easy. I did the suddenly-single-man-whoring, I did the recently-divorced-feeling-sorry-for-myself thing for a while too. BUT! I finally reached the point where not only was I my own man again... i actually liked who I turned to be. In the last three years on my own, I've dated dozens of women, had three good relationships that ended for one reason or another, learned to do my own laundry, re-located my daughter to me and helped her get her feet, my business folded, lost my home to foreclosure, nearly ended up on the streets, been lied to, stolen from, vandalized, had a complete career change, bought another foreclosure home, learned to remodel and repair, and laughed ALOT! through it all, I've been happier than I was even for many years before I found out about my ex-wife's disrespect. Now, I just spent a whole lot of time typing all this out for you... I will say it again; this decision is totally yours, only you stand in your shoes. I wanted you to know that there is another road... neither one is easy, but you have the option and if i can do it, you can. Just have to find your balls and your spine for either one... first thing. Dazed I don't know you. But, based on everything you wrote here (and from your previous posts as well)... ...Man, you're a Hero!
wicar1 Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 After 12 years of what I thought was a great marriage, I found out that my wife was texting a guy she met 4 months ago. They texted every day and went out to lunch on a few ocassions. I confronted her and we both agreed to go to marriage counseling. During counseling last month she stated that she wanted space, kept to herself and really disconnected with me. (please note we have 3 children,).. During our conversations with the counselor she stated that she has stopped all contact with him. I found a text last week that they had she contacted him, and met up(although did not have sex) did more than I would like to know. I confronted her that I knew. I exploded, broke the TV and told her that she needed to choose. She completely started to cry, saying she was stupid, took full responsibility and wants to make this marriage work. She tells me she loves me everyday (although sex is less frequently, said this is was the catalyst of our problem.) I am working on this problem with her now which will take time. We went to the counselor, where she completely has done a 180, has not left my side, tells me she loves me, and has been an open book allowing me to see any texts, emails from anyone. She is being totally honest and says we will be married forever, and will take time for her to regain my trust which she is willing to rebuild. Here's my problem.. I cant get this distrust out of my head. I am obsessing over it. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get past this? I do want this marriage to work, I know it will take time, but I am losing interest in lots of things I found enjoyable, because I constantly thinking about the trust that has been broken. We are planning things together, she seems upbeat, I am depressed and now taking medication for it. She tells me that its completely over and doesnt even think about the guy. Has anyone actually made it through this, rebuild trust and still have a good marriage and worked it out? Leave her...!!! she's hiding something from you...probably she's visiting her bf
Author insideguy95376 Posted October 30, 2010 Author Posted October 30, 2010 ok all.... many of you were right. One who does not show 100% remorse and puts less than 100% effort is worthless in making this work. My life has been turned upside down. A year ago I found out she was see another guy behind my back. Although she it is definitely over, I often sense that there is still feelings even though she isnt acting on them. It has driven me to the point of insanity. This is what I have to go through, and you all can tell me if I am blowing this out of proportion. 1.Gets off of Facebook and then secretly gets back on. Blocks all my family and hers from seeing her. I find out and she accepts me as a friend. States that she will not give me the password yet will show me her account at anytime. 2. I secretly find out that she has attempted to view is facebook profile for curiosity reasons only. as she says. 3. I am depressed continually and constantly thinking that I may truly never be able to get over this. It hasnt gotten better in 8 months... Feels like its gotten worse. she points out that its my unforgiving and vigialant and controlling nature that is not allowing the relationship to get better. 4. She goes in to a psychiatry appointment and takes some sort of MMPI test that tells a person what their personality results are... She has compulsive Personality Disorder. States many items that she is. Untrusting, seeks the trill with disregard of others, lack of remorse. out for themselves, uses others, and on and on.. 100% accurate. 5. Doesnt want to show me results at first.. I have to beg for them. She shows me yet is scared and readly to jump off a bridge. Withdrawls. 6. Dont think she is 100 there. Fearful that if I leave she will do something drastic. Yet today I confront her about searching out his name on computer. States that its her obssesive behavior. And gets mad at me. States that she has gotten an apartment in 2 weeks. Is pissed off and walks out the door. Goes to San Francisco with her brother. I am sitting home with kids. She doesnt answer phone and flees. 7. This wraps it all up. I am sorryfull that it has come to this. Me being codependent has not allowed me to grow a pair and say **** it. I sit here scared an unsure of what to do next. She will probably apologize tomorrow. Maybe not. My first reaction is not to be alone. But what the hell am I doing? What type of person would allow themselves to go through this? She means everything to me yet has done all wrong. Blames me that I havent gotten over this that is why we are here. 8. Talk to my brother. He says I am in a very toxic relationship and need to cut the line. Know this is a should be. Balls still not there. Want to find a quick exit. Find another person quickly to fill this happy void that has long been gone. Miss smiling and feeling alive. Too all ..... How do you grow a pair of balls? Still hard to walk away. Don't see any hope other than if I am overlooking something. Feel screwed over. I am 44... good looking and successful. Have 2 kids and not interested in doing the dating scene. How pathetic this must sound.... Go ahead all.... tell it like it is. I am listening
bentnotbroken Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 You don't need balls, just love for yourself. A toxic relationship will kill you eventually. In mind, body and spirit. It isn't easy and it may not be easy for quite some time...it is doable. The personality disorder you describe, the dsm-IV says there is no cure and treatment only works in the rarest of forms. She is already using the obsessive part as and excuse(part of using anything and everyone to justify behavior). Ask yourself just one question....Do you want to live?
goingstrong Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Sounds like the guilt over her own behavior is eating her up. Combine that with the fact that you have not forgiven her yet is making her flee to escape the pain. I wouldn't trust her though...good luck cause your situation sucks.
JAGeezer Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 Sometimes, when a limb is diseased beyond hope of recovery, the only thing to be done is to let them go ahead and amputate. It doesn't sound like she's all in for this; or that she's ever going to be all in, which is what she needs to be to recover the marriage. The A was a symptom of her issues, not yours. The A may be over (which I doubt, given her behavior that you described in your latest post), but she still has the issues, doesn't acknowledge them, and makes it all your fault. My question is, what's sparking this co-dependency of yours? Your needs, or her behavior? I recall you saying that you had kids. How old? And what is all of this doing to them? She's doesn't sound like anyone I'd want mothering my children. I made that mistake myself once upon a time. Never again. In short, cut your losses and cut her loose. Lawyer up and get your financial ducks in a row. JAG
Pipeline010 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 ok all.... many of you were right. One who does not show 100% remorse and puts less than 100% effort is worthless in making this work. My life has been turned upside down. A year ago I found out she was see another guy behind my back. Although she it is definitely over, I often sense that there is still feelings even though she isnt acting on them. It has driven me to the point of insanity. This is what I have to go through, and you all can tell me if I am blowing this out of proportion. 1.Gets off of Facebook and then secretly gets back on. Blocks all my family and hers from seeing her. I find out and she accepts me as a friend. States that she will not give me the password yet will show me her account at anytime. 2. I secretly find out that she has attempted to view is facebook profile for curiosity reasons only. as she says. 3. I am depressed continually and constantly thinking that I may truly never be able to get over this. It hasnt gotten better in 8 months... Feels like its gotten worse. she points out that its my unforgiving and vigialant and controlling nature that is not allowing the relationship to get better. 4. She goes in to a psychiatry appointment and takes some sort of MMPI test that tells a person what their personality results are... She has compulsive Personality Disorder. States many items that she is. Untrusting, seeks the trill with disregard of others, lack of remorse. out for themselves, uses others, and on and on.. 100% accurate. 5. Doesnt want to show me results at first.. I have to beg for them. She shows me yet is scared and readly to jump off a bridge. Withdrawls. 6. Dont think she is 100 there. Fearful that if I leave she will do something drastic. Yet today I confront her about searching out his name on computer. States that its her obssesive behavior. And gets mad at me. States that she has gotten an apartment in 2 weeks. Is pissed off and walks out the door. Goes to San Francisco with her brother. I am sitting home with kids. She doesnt answer phone and flees. 7. This wraps it all up. I am sorryfull that it has come to this. Me being codependent has not allowed me to grow a pair and say **** it. I sit here scared an unsure of what to do next. She will probably apologize tomorrow. Maybe not. My first reaction is not to be alone. But what the hell am I doing? What type of person would allow themselves to go through this? She means everything to me yet has done all wrong. Blames me that I havent gotten over this that is why we are here. 8. Talk to my brother. He says I am in a very toxic relationship and need to cut the line. Know this is a should be. Balls still not there. Want to find a quick exit. Find another person quickly to fill this happy void that has long been gone. Miss smiling and feeling alive. Too all ..... How do you grow a pair of balls? Still hard to walk away. Don't see any hope other than if I am overlooking something. Feel screwed over. I am 44... good looking and successful. Have 2 kids and not interested in doing the dating scene. How pathetic this must sound.... Go ahead all.... tell it like it is. I am listening insideguy i'm very glad you posted again. I came across your thread just yesterday and was wondering how you were doing and almost necro posted this thing back up. Now here you are again. Everyone says this, but man I know what you are going through...all of it...every word you wrote emotion you felt EVERYTHING...I was/am there. I'm not yet married and I have no kids but the fundamental feelings and emotions you're going through I'm side by side with you man. So listen up... FIRST: We need to know, to KNOW that WE DID NOT DRIVE THEM INTO THE ARMS OF SOMEONE ELSE. This is not OUR fault...it's theirs. THEY were the ones that CHOSE to drag this corpse into our happy homes and let it sit there and rot. WE DID NOT DO THIS!!! 0% ZERO blame is ours. SECOND: We are way WAY more than these selfish women we formed these bonds with. We are smart, intelligent, attractive men who provided for our women, families, and lives. If in doing so we ignored them too much well that sucks..but you know what? Our INTENTIONS were in place because of the LOVE of our family. Women have a tendency to want it ALL all the time. Your money, your success, your perfect physique, AND ALL YOUR TIME. It's impossible. THIRDLY: Here is the hard part, man. I've been through this...please please believe what I am saying....SHE IS STILL IN CONTACT WITH THIS OTHER MAN. I'm going to say it again...SHE IS STILL IN CONTACT WITH THIS OTHER MAN. My fiance, love of my life, pretended to not be in touch with her OM too...she was soooooooo convincing. I never NEVER expected her to be such an AMAZING liar. She did it to me 4 times. Swore up and down she wasn't in contact with him. She blamed me for driving her away because I was being too controlling and depressed. She said I was the one causing the problems now, not her...she was redirecting everything at me to force the blame of her guilt all over me. It was total crap, man. She was still in contact with him...super secret style stuff. I found out...again and again and again and again. On the 5th time she ended it..for real... Now I have free access to her phone, her computer, her life. She closed her facebook account. She changed her cell number. She deleted her email account and got a new one. When I pry into things she doesn't get angry or annoyed at all. You know why? Cause she NOW knows she was a total ****face for what she did. Your wife is not accepting openness and honesty because she is STILL in 'love' with this other man. (she is not in true love with him. she will figure that out at some point, so don't let it upset you...it ripped me to shreds but when the smoke cleared my fiance knew she never loved him and never could. your wifes smoke will clear someday..i promise...if that makes you feel any better). FINALLY: so what do you do? All I can tell you is what worked for me...because although I am on another planet compared to this ****er OM in terms of attractiveness, sense of humor, sense of character, success, and friends, I WAS AND AM CODEPENDANT ON MY FIANCE. I could not let her go. Still can't. So this is what I did. I REFUSED to let her make me make the decision. I forced her to do it instead. I made two ultimatums...here they are: 1. If you take a vacation or time away from home on your own YOU are choosing to end our relationship. 2. If you continue to contact this man then YOU are choosing to end our relationship. I knew I could never leave her. But setting up this way I was forcing her to make the decision to leave me. She tried so so SO hard to push all the guilt back upon me for EVERYTHING when she was in her fog..even wanted ME to make the choice for her so she could feel her only option was thi snew lover she 'loved' so much. I refused to give that to her. In the end, she chose to leave to stop hurting me. I believe this was the exact moment she stopped being selfish and started thinking of me again. I left for the weekend. After 3 days or so when I came back she was out of her fog...didn't love him, never did, was acting like a totla moron, wanted to get our wedding plans and life back on track, was willing to do whatever it took...and that's where we are now. Am I healthy now? Absolutely NO WAY. I am sick...twisted...terrible...depressed...insecure...a shadow of my former self. But she is giving me EVERYTHING I need now to heal. If I choose to stay with her and see this thing through I now truly think she'll be there every step of the way...if i can handle it. now reversal and hindsight FYI for you, man....the 'time away' my fiance was asking for? When I made the ultimatum that if she left for time away she was choosing to end our relationship for good? Yea, her and her other man were planning a vacation together...THAT'S where she wanted to go.... I'm about to give you the curse of knowledge, my friend. I am going to break your heart. 1. Google "family keylogger torrent piratebay" 2. download and install that on your wifes computer and yours and any other computer she touches. 3. wait three days 4. brace yourself, man..seriously...you are about to get ****ING hurt. 5. check the loggers. 6. make a decision i'm sorry.
Pipeline010 Posted October 30, 2010 Posted October 30, 2010 one more thing insideguy.... I'm willing to bet she's not at her brothers...she is with the other man. As long as she thinks she's fooling you she doesn't have to feel like she's hurting you. If she knows you're no longer a fool to her actions then she has to deal with the guilt her actions cause. THAT's how you want to leave her or make her leave. With her owning the pain that she is causing.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 8. Talk to my brother. He says I am in a very toxic relationship and need to cut the line. Know this is a should be. Balls still not there. Want to find a quick exit. Find another person quickly to fill this happy void that has long been gone. Miss smiling and feeling alive. exactly, and if you don't take anyone's word for it that you need to get rid of her here, then listen to your brother!!! Nobody will ever look after your best interests than family. Too all ..... How do you grow a pair of balls? you just do, thats all I can tell you. You have to stand up and say, "there is a better life, and woman, for me out there and I deserve better than this." Still hard to walk away. Don't see any hope other than if I am overlooking something. Feel screwed over. I am 44... good looking and successful. Have 2 kids and not interested in doing the dating scene. How pathetic this must sound.... Go ahead all.... tell it like it is. I am listening oh trust me, if you decide to get rid of her, and if you listen to your brother...you will, then once the light at the end of the tunnel starts appearing, you WILL be interested in other women. I'm telling you right now, if you divorce this excuse for a "woman", then your life has just begun!!!! trust me on that
Dexter Morgan Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 6. Dont think she is 100 there. Fearful that if I leave she will do something drastic. and this is not your problem. hate to sound cold-hearted here, but she doesn't seem to care if she is cold-hearted to you. You need to take care of you, and if she can't handle the consquences of her actions, again, its not your problem. Yet today I confront her about searching out his name on computer. States that its her obssesive behavior. And gets mad at me. States that she has gotten an apartment in 2 weeks. Is pissed off and walks out the door. Goes to San Francisco with her brother. I am sitting home with kids. She doesnt answer phone and flees. see, she can leave and not give a crap about whether you will do something drastic. get rid of this cancer.....start the process of living again.
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