My ex-boyfriend may have been abusive I think...

[Eclipse11]

Hi everyone...

 

I guess that I'm posting here, asking whether he sounds abusive because I was so unhappy and down with him, I'm thinking that he must have been...yet somehow I cannot admit it to myself or think it without feeling really guilty and thinking it must have been my fault...

 

Yet since I broke up with him, I've seemed so much happier that people have been commenting on it, saying how different I seem...they all thought I'd met somebody new, they didn't think I'd recently broken up with my boyfriend!

 

I broke it off two weeks ago...

 

I just remember, on some days, I couldn't speak with him at all, I felt so small like I was so worthless, many days I went home crying, I didn't feel comfortable around him for a long long time...

 

When we first met especially, he would talk a lot about other women and girls and even said to me that he "wouldn't pick me out in a crowd, but we had a really strong emotional connection" which was hurtful...I said I was bothered by it and he stopped a bit but would still often make insensitive remarks such as when we were watching a movie, he'd say "oh that really sexy blonde actress is in this!" - I am dark, when I got upset he didn't understand...

 

When I asked if he would help me move house, he clearly resented it, he sulked all the time and he didn't even say my new place was nice or anything...when I had my hair done, he didn't say it looked nice...when I got upset about things he would stop speaking to me or say I was oversensitive or there was something wrong with me and I had emotional problems. He was horrible to me for months over winter, saying he just wanted to see friends and go out and get drunk with them ( as if my company wasn't enough ) then later blamed it on a colleague at work, saying they had stressed him out...

 

He never wanted to go anywhere, we barely ever went out to restaurants at all and even on holiday, when I wanted to eat out, he wanted to go to Dominos Pizza and get a takeaway! Then he sulked when we went to the restaurant...

 

I hated it when he patted my bottom in public, but he just did it more and he got annoyed if I said, could he stop...

 

He would be nice for a bit sometimes then act aloof and cold for no reason...also, if I ever said that anything had ever upset me that somebody had said or done, I regretted it and then never said anything since he would always take their side and not mine...

 

The last straw was when we went on holiday to his friend's house - I admit, that before the holiday he "punished" me once again ( because I didn't wait for him to come home at his house and went and did something else independently ) so he didn't bother to call me - I then accused him of "making digs" at me, because he did make digs, subtly, talking about women he fancied, getting at me in little ways etc.

 

So in the car he was angry because I said he was "making digs" - he asked me what they were, I didn't want to tell him because he would have just told me I was being silly or hypersensitive...

 

The holiday was terrible - and the whole time I was there, I didn't say a word, I felt so worthless, small and insignificant, he was flirting with his friend's wife, he went out and left me alone with the wife who went off upstairs so I was in a strange kitchen alone in a strange house in a strange place, then I said I'd like to go for a bike ride, he didn't offer to go with me, I was so upset I smoked a cigarette in the guest room upstairs and he said, oh I should not have done that, they wouldn't like it, I should have gone into the garden...there's loads more, sorry I am rambling...

 

The point is, after I left him, I felt so much happier, it was fine to be me, it always was with everybody else apart from him, when I was with him, I felt so miserable every day at work, I felt worthless and small and stupid compared to all of my work colleagues...also I am starting to see that there are so many nice guys about and when I was with him, I just thought they were all horrible...and I always felt like I had done something wrong in his eyes, so often he would punish me by sulking...then he would sometimes ask me what was wrong and I would tell him and he would just get annoyed...and the times I did think things might be going well or would be different I would always end up sad and disappointed...

 

Sorry this is so long, I am still confused whether I felt so bad because he was a bit abusive or whether it was my fault and I provoked him to act the way he did because I am hypersensitive and stupid...plus I should alter the title, to may have been a bit abusive...not that much probably

 

I feel so guilty even writing all of this and I know it's only my side of the story - I'm just so confused, one side of me despised him and another side of me still seems to love and care for him...it's his birthday this weekend and I don't know whether to text or not...in my head nothing is resolved...he could be so sweet sometimes yet most of the time I was deeply unhappy with him and I'm afraid that is the truth but I don't know whether it was him or me...

 

I would be very grateful for any advice - thanks so much to anyone who has read...Eclipse x

Edited May 28, 2010 by Eclipse11

[Ronni_W]

Hi Eclipse.

He sounds controlling, disrespectful and lacking healthy relationship skills, but that doesn't make it an "abusive" relationship. ("Dysfunctional" doesn't automatically equal "abusive", I mean.)

 

You certainly do deserve to be treated much better, though, so it's great that you broke up with him. I'm guessing that next time you'll be very clear and firm about how you want and expect to be treated and, in the future, will not let any guy get away with this crap.

 

I wouldn't text him for his b/day -- or make any other contact for any other reason. YOU deserve better in your life, and keeping connections that are disrespectful and otherwise totally unhealthy doesn't support what you truly deserve.

 

Hugs, and best.

[Eclipse11]

Hey thank you Ronnie_W...I, too, thought the word "abusive" sounded a bit harsh but I knew there was something wrong...my intellectual mind is telling me there was something wrong, but it's as if my heart is telling me, no he was okay it must have been me...it's just really weird...

I'm looking forward to a better future and someday I hope to be able to look back on this relationship without a sad feeling of guilt and sorrow...

I appreciate deeply you reading this and your words...it helps me see the truth more clearly...thanks Eclipse x

[BB07]

Eclipse, you are never responsible for someones bad behavior. You are responsible for yourself and how you react or act. From what you've described, he is childish, irresponsible, uncaring, controlling and just generally not a clue how to treat a woman. He definitely sounds like an asshat and you are better off without him. Let it go and move on to better things and a better man.

[Eclipse11]

Thank you BB07! I didn't expect these replies, saying that what I posted was okay, I think I've been beating myself up needlessly about everything...and I am so glad that you posted that...some days are better than others, when I'm feeling fine I'm so happy that I moved on and left and then some days I feel sorry...I guess though, that anyone, dumper or dumpee, goes through grief...thanks again sis! Eclipse x

[Eclipse11]

Sometimes though I do feel angry about how he behaved, which is okay I think...like today, I'm sitting around worrying about him on his birthday and I hear he's having a party tonight, I'm glad he's okay and having the party...but it makes me look back and remember, he would always try and make me feel sorry for him, make out everything I did was terrible and I knew it was often just a load of crap...I think that finally he knew I could see through it and nothing he said or did would make me change my mind...but I feel like this, when I'm feeling angry, which isn't that often! Only rarely...Eclipse x

[Ronni_W]

Eclipse, yes it is totally okay (acceptable) to feel angry when one is treated the way he treated you, or to feel disappointed that things didn't work out better, or any feelings along those lines. What matters is how we deal with those types of feelings of ours. That is, we're fine as long as we don't use our "negative" feelings as an excuse to harm ourselves or others, or to damage property

 

At the same time, self-responsibility and self-care also enter into our relationships -- we have to take care to ensure that we're treated properly and we have to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

 

As BB07 rightly pointed out, though: Even if someone is abusive towards us...that does NOT mean that we somehow "deserved" it or there is something "wrong" with us. Nothing that we can we say or do gives someone else the "right" to abuse us. If they don't like it or it upsets them, they only have the right to leave us...not to abuse us.

 

May I suggest that you use this day to do something nice for yourself (instead of giving him any more of your precious emotional energy and time)?

Do something really, really special FOR YOU!

[Eclipse11]

Ronnie_W you are so sweet...thanks - I will be going to the gym in a bit which I really enjoy and also seeing my brother later on which will be lovely...thanks for the encouragement to do something nice for myself...you have a lovely night and thanks again...Eclipse x

[sugarmomma]

Setting boundaries the next time around may also help. One boundary could be to not get involved with someone who has poor communication skills(i.e. sulking, cold, aloof, withdrawing, disrespectful). You have to know what is acceptable behavior for you. Everyone has their off days but if a pattern develops you know those traits are just a part of their character.

 

I am still learning what my boundaries are as well. You are not alone.

[Eclipse11]

Thanks Sugarmomma...I did sense there was something wrong, I could see the pattern and I tried to break the relationship off several times because it made me uncomfortable...but that's very useful for me to remember and if it ever happens again I will break it off before becoming too involved...I appreciate your tip, many thanks Eclipse x

[sugarmomma]

Thanks Sugarmomma...I did sense there was something wrong, I could see the pattern and I tried to break the relationship off several times because it made me uncomfortable...but that's very useful for me to remember and if it ever happens again I will break it off before becoming too involved...I appreciate your tip, many thanks Eclipse x

 

 

We have to learn to trust our instincts. You will be fine. Just do as much to educate yourself about abuse as possible. Change doesn't happen over night. I left my first abuser 17 years ago and the damage has affected every relationship since then. I am now more able to judge a persons character and make decisions that are in my best interest as opposed to worrying about what anyone else thinks.

[Eclipse11]

Thank you so much Henna and Sugarmomma for your positive and helpful advice, it makes me feel so much better...Eclipse x

[harmfulsweetz]

I think it was borderline abusive, but not out and out emotional/mental abuse. What is clear is that he completely lacks communication skills as sugarmomma said, and is controlling. My ex used to be slightly like yours-if I did something which affected me and me only, but somehow he disagreed with, he'd spend the whole night kicking off at me for it. This could be something as little as buying a bottle of Coke from the shop because there was water in the house... Yep, that would trigger arguments that could last hours. Because he never gave in.

 

I always find it's after the relationship is done, do we notice certain patterns in behavior and truly pinpoint abusive traits. I used to think the way my ex acted was normal, but now I see he often overreacted, tried to control me, could be emotionally manipulative. I lost a lot of friends due to his controlling nature, (I wasn't allowed out unless he went out too, and well, this didn't always sit well with my friends) although he never explicitly said I couldn't go out, he'd make a thing of it if I didn't give him at least a week's advance notice (how often do people arrange nights out a week or more in advance?I never used to, unless it was for an occassion) I see now that is controlling. Sure, if we have specific plans I shouldn't break them, but if not, and it's just assumed we are spending it together, I think it's cool to go out. But everytime I went out, he followed me.

 

Anyway, sometimes what is small to everyone else, is massive to someone, what I mean is, you may look at this on the page here, and think 'that's nothing compared to x' but if it made you feel that way, then it's not insignificant at all. I'd say it was a highly significant factor as to who this guy is, and it could show what he will become. At the very least, he's emotionally manipulative.