Married men, post here if you hate your life

[Lovelybird]

I remember one time when I was living under their roof I heard them get into an argument in the kitchen upstairs. It was about how it was my fathers fault that she had a crappy day at work because he forgot to put on a pot of coffee before she went to work. I was expecting my dad to just sit their and take it and apologize like has been doing for a decade, but he snapped.

 

A man who has never stood up for himself in his entire marriage lashed out at his controlling wife and gave her what she deserved. He yelled. He insulted. He threatened to leave. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. I was literally about to cry because I was so proud of my father.

 

But of course, five years later, things are back to the way they were. My dad is back to being a broken shell of a man, and my step mom still hasn't apologized for taking my father away from me.

 

Maybe that's why I can't trust women. And that's why I don't believe marriage can ever work, and whenever I hear my friends are getting married, I genuinely feel sorry for them.

Wow, sorry to hear this. Your story remind me of my parents

 

My mother is extremely bossy or was. She was good at manipulation and even humiliated my father from time to time. I am aware that my father isn't the one who is completely innocent. He had a mother who often beat him when he was little, so sometimes he even admires woman who is a bit of bossy. I have tried to talk to my mother about how she treated my father, but I realized that it is my father who can turn the situation around. And he did. Maybe he had enough, and maybe he heard some my talks about freedom and manipulation all that stuff, he began to stand up for himself. Like you, in my heart I applauded for him. And it seems that when my father can stand up for himself, my mother may be more happy, she knew that she cannot control him, and became less bossy. Also my mother's change maybe have something to do with God. I think since she heard about God, somehow she has more clear self awareness about her own attitude, and she would feel sorry, this won't happen before she heard about God.

 

I don't know why some women act like this, maybe they are fear driven, or some purely human evilness and unforgiveness. But this I know, their partner can do something about it, they aren't completely powerless, but surely they would face very tough works on themselves.

 

So marriage isn't simply a haven. Marriage is like a place to test a person, make a person grow, grow always involves pain. If this person pass the test, then marriage can be like a haven.

[IronMaiden]

Because when I imagine what hell is, what pops into my head is what these men are living daily.

 

My dad lives in the same situation, and I can't be around him anymore because my blood sucking vampire of step mom is always ordering him around and yelling at him. And this is at family get togethers when they put on their happy faces for everyone. I can't imagine what it's like when we're not around.

 

 

Well, I grew up in a home where it was my FATHER who was bullying my mother and us kids.

 

I wish people would see that it is not JUST women who do this, or that, or blah, blah,blah, it is PEOPLE OF BOTH SEXES who behave like this. Just because one sex has inflicted this on you does not mean the same thing hasn't been done to someone else by the OPPOSITE SEX. These characteristics are common to HUMAN BEINGS.

[Woggle]

I grew up in a house where I watched my mother spit in my father's face for no reason other than the fact that she was angry at men that day. I saw him get dishes thrown at him and generally treated worse than garbage while he did everything he could to make her happy. I swear I would rather be dead than ever have my self respect be this low.

[F2boi]

Why don't all you unhappy people get divorced and get happy?

 

That's exactly what I intend to do. First I need to get my things together, get a new apartment to live in and find a good lawyer. I really should have done this five years ago.

 

HELLO! Did you even notice that? Do what you need to take care of yourself first, chips fall where they may. You need to get yourself some help. You need to become a healthier person before you can even begin to figure out what you really want. If you want your family you may need to restructure some things with your wife instead of being a victim-chicken and just moving out.

 

Honestly if she is just sitting around all day and being a cow when you get home, then it really sounds like is depressed and kind of a victim too. Why not try to fix your life before running away from it (and yes, that is exactly how it looks and your daughter will end up seeing it that way too). Your only options are the ones you make.

 

Oh, don't worry, I know exactly what I want. I want my life back before it's over. And I'm doing this (in part) for my daughter as well. After all, if she watches her mother treating me like crap and getting away with it, how do you think she'll treat her future husband? On the other hand, if I just leave, she might realise that treating anyone like that is wrong, and it will give her a better shot at a happy marriage when her time comes.

[xxoo]

That's exactly what I intend to do. First I need to get my things together, get a new apartment to live in and find a good lawyer. I really should have done this five years ago.

 

 

 

Oh, don't worry, I know exactly what I want. I want my life back before it's over. And I'm doing this (in part) for my daughter as well. After all, if she watches her mother treating me like crap and getting away with it, how do you think she'll treat her future husband? On the other hand, if I just leave, she might realise that treating anyone like that is wrong, and it will give her a better shot at a happy marriage when her time comes.

 

 

Good daddy, good man

 

Stay strong!

[Jersey Shortie]

Oh, don't worry, I know exactly what I want. I want my life back before it's over. And I'm doing this (in part) for my daughter as well. After all, if she watches her mother treating me like crap and getting away with it, how do you think she'll treat her future husband? On the other hand, if I just leave, she might realise that treating anyone like that is wrong, and it will give her a better shot at a happy marriage when her time comes.

 

Or she will struggle with emotional issues because she feels abandoned.

 

I'm not saying you should stay for the child's sake but it's a precarious situation and children don't rationalize like adults.

 

Often, women can become to controlling when they feel like they have no control, are depressed and struggling. And often, men do not stand up and fight for themselves or their families. And I don't say that to put men down but it's a common dynamic where the woman becomes controlling because it seems that her male partner is absent even if he is there. Instead they say "i'm out of here", and rather leave then put in the effort and grueling emotion it will take to try and fix a problem. Both men and women are the reason for the demise of a relationship for their personal struggles and how they handle issues. I bet the OP's wife might not feel to womanly all the tiem either.

[dreamingoftigers]

Or she will struggle with emotional issues because she feels abandoned.

 

I'm not saying you should stay for the child's sake but it's a precarious situation and children don't rationalize like adults.

 

Often, women can become to controlling when they feel like they have no control, are depressed and struggling. And often, men do not stand up and fight for themselves or their families. And I don't say that to put men down but it's a common dynamic where the woman becomes controlling because it seems that her male partner is absent even if he is there. Instead they say "i'm out of here", and rather leave then put in the effort and grueling emotion it will take to try and fix a problem. Both men and women are the reason for the demise of a relationship for their personal struggles and how they handle issues. I bet the OP's wife might not feel to womanly all the tiem either.

 

There is a previous example on this thread of a couple that managed to turn some things around. I think that by leaving without standing up or trying to work it out first you are modelling to your daughter that if you can't take the heat, men run away. Not a good model. At the very least you should stand up to your wife and stop your workaholic nuttiness.

 

In order to model a healthy relationship and father-figure to your daughter you would need to be present more and not taking your wife's crap. At least try reading a book on the subject or going to IC before you up and move, something no one is expecting.

 

It seems that you are trying to avoid conflict instead of actually doing what is best for you daughter.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Your wife doesn't feel loved. I can smell it from here, loved or desired. You provide for her and you resent her too. Try being romantic and desiring of her for a month. She will be heavily resistant because she won't trust it, but then when you are consistent she will cave. Guys often think that providing material goods is distinctly the way to show love and that often escapes women. They like it, but it isn't the way they often receive love.

 

They receive love through affection, VERBAL REASSURANCE and by being sexually desired. Try to just be affectionate with her aside from having sex. Try making out with her without screwing and let her know how much you like it. I know it sounds gay but this stuff works.

 

She probably feels like you gave her the bait and switch too.

 

I read the same post and read the opposite. An anonymous forum where someone got to vent for a few minutes, says he has tried everything and feels lost. I buy his story, because he is not the first to post similar feelings.

 

You however as a woman have jumped to the spouses defense, even though the post claimed he had tried everything and warned not to respond the way you did.

[jackson30]

That's because no matter how bad the situation, half the women will post that it's the guy fault for making her that way. It doesn't take long for many guys to learn that with many women, they can't win.

 

Strange game.

The only winning move is not to play.

[Lizzie60]

I have not read the whole thread.. but I know people will say: Well you got what you deserve'.. meaning.. you let her 'abuse' you. Others will say: get a divorce.

 

The problem is.. it's not that easy... you let someone 'abuse' you .. I agree.. but this doesn't occur over night.. it's over several years.. it's almost as if it's not perceivable.. only when you've been in it for so many years do you 'all of a sudden' realize that it's been years of subtle 'abuse...

 

Let's say you divorce... do you think you'll be happier.. away from your kid(s).. I don't think so... then there is the alimony... you live only to pay alimony and to survive yourself... (there goes the pension, the investments, etc.)

 

So.. my advices:.. put your foot down NOW.. it's not too late.. stop working like a crazy man.. take care of yourself.. and your daughter.. never mind her.. go out .. have fun.. get a mistress.. live like a single guy like she does..

[WalkingOnEggs]

Your wife doesn't feel loved. I can smell it from here, loved or desired. You provide for her and you resent her too. Try being romantic and desiring of her for a month. She will be heavily resistant because she won't trust it, but then when you are consistent she will cave. Guys often think that providing material goods is distinctly the way to show love and that often escapes women. They like it, but it isn't the way they often receive love.

 

They receive love through affection, VERBAL REASSURANCE and by being sexually desired. Try to just be affectionate with her aside from having sex. Try making out with her without screwing and let her know how much you like it. I know it sounds gay but this stuff works.

 

She probably feels like you gave her the bait and switch too.

 

You kidding? I'd love to just make out with her from time to time. I think she's sexy as hell and I let her know it. But when I do try and make out with her, she pushes me away and says "What is the MATTER with you?".

 

Hey if she thinks I gave her some bait and switch, I gave her many opportunities to tell me. She took none of them.

 

Truthfully, I think she's happy with the things the way they are. If only I'd stop with the sexual advances, the pesky affection, and if I'd do what she says when she says and how she says, then I'm sure she'd find things to be perfect.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You kidding? I'd love to just make out with her from time to time. I think she's sexy as hell and I let her know it. But when I do try and make out with her, she pushes me away and says "What is the MATTER with you?".

 

Hey if she thinks I gave her some bait and switch, I gave her many opportunities to tell me. She took none of them.

 

Truthfully, I think she's happy with the things the way they are. If only I'd stop with the sexual advances, the pesky affection, and if I'd do what she says when she says and how she says, then I'm sure she'd find things to be perfect.

 

I can't stand how some people (almost always women) try and turn it on you....

 

Now of course mem11363 (a male) will insinuate you are a wimp and need to be more assertive (i.e. an Alpha male).

[dreamingoftigers]

I read the same post and read the opposite. An anonymous forum where someone got to vent for a few minutes, says he has tried everything and feels lost. I buy his story, because he is not the first to post similar feelings.

 

You however as a woman have jumped to the spouses defense, even though the post claimed he had tried everything and warned not to respond the way you did.

 

Oh no, she's being awful too, it's just that she's not the one on here. And quite frankly having tried everything can often mean that one has tried the same things repeatedly and not have gotten any results.

 

My "having tried everything" was trying a million different ways to talk to him and discovering that only making different moves did things change.

 

It is unrealistic to think that this person would have tried everything without something either improving or getting worse. People are too dynamic for that. Trying to offer a helpful suggestion can't do any further harm if he's already tried "everything" can it?

[dreamingoftigers]

I have not read the whole thread.. but I know people will say: Well you got what you deserve'.. meaning.. you let her 'abuse' you. Others will say: get a divorce.

 

The problem is.. it's not that easy... you let someone 'abuse' you .. I agree.. but this doesn't occur over night.. it's over several years.. it's almost as if it's not perceivable.. only when you've been in it for so many years do you 'all of a sudden' realize that it's been years of subtle 'abuse...

 

Let's say you divorce... do you think you'll be happier.. away from your kid(s).. I don't think so... then there is the alimony... you live only to pay alimony and to survive yourself... (there goes the pension, the investments, etc.)

 

So.. my advices:.. put your foot down NOW.. it's not too late.. stop working like a crazy man.. take care of yourself.. and your daughter.. never mind her.. go out .. have fun.. get a mistress.. live like a single guy like she does..

 

I second everything in this post aside from the mistress bit.

[dreamingoftigers]

You kidding? I'd love to just make out with her from time to time. I think she's sexy as hell and I let her know it. But when I do try and make out with her, she pushes me away and says "What is the MATTER with you?".

 

Hey if she thinks I gave her some bait and switch, I gave her many opportunities to tell me. She took none of them.

 

Truthfully, I think she's happy with the things the way they are. If only I'd stop with the sexual advances, the pesky affection, and if I'd do what she says when she says and how she says, then I'm sure she'd find things to be perfect.

 

Forget it than, completely wrong on the last count. The rare occasion where my own relationship issues percolated into my postings directed at others and I apologize for that. Just typical of how I have seen friends act and my own personal experience which can be quite limited I guess. Something's not right upstairs if she is happy treating you that way. Very, very unhealthy. She clearly is not getting some need met (not necessarily from you, but from herself for her own mental health).

 

Have you considered IC?

[seibert253]

I think alot of the problem is men don't stand up for themselves. I'm just as guilty as everyone else. Finally I had enough. I let her have it after she stood there doing nothing when our dog attacked our son, then got mad at me when I knocked the sh#t out of the dog.

 

A couple of days later after she got off her mad pedistle, we had a talk. I told her I'm not going to tolerate any more disrespect. I told her I'm going to treat her exactly how she's treating me. If she's loving, that's what I give her. If she's mean and disrepectful, she get's it right back. It gives her a mirror to what she's doing.

So far it's worked very well.

[Ilovehim]

This thread is indeed sad but I dont blame the OP. Your wife needs to realize what she has before you leave her ass...I would never do that to my husband. I treat my boyfriend like a king. Both partners should cherish each other in relationships,love is supposed to make your life better not worse.

[OpenBook]

F2boi I hope your W comes around when she sees your tail lights in the driveway, so that you won't have to break up your M and family. I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy. You think you're in hell now...

[Lovelybird]

That's exactly what I intend to do. First I need to get my things together, get a new apartment to live in and find a good lawyer. I really should have done this five years ago.

 

 

 

Oh, don't worry, I know exactly what I want. I want my life back before it's over. And I'm doing this (in part) for my daughter as well. After all, if she watches her mother treating me like crap and getting away with it, how do you think she'll treat her future husband? On the other hand, if I just leave, she might realise that treating anyone like that is wrong, and it will give her a better shot at a happy marriage when her time comes.

Running may not be a good thing. If you have trouble to confront and communicate with your wife now, do you think you will be good at it with next woman? or Do you rely on the next woman will be a woman who has zero bone of agressiveness?

 

This tough situation can either good or bad for you. If you master some basic relationship principles, you may find the love you had for her long ago. A relationship is a dynamic between TWO persons. If she is this way, then she knows she can BE this way with you, because you let her.

 

Also as some posters said, she may have some unmet needs that frustrate her. Do you try to learn what they are? Being said that, if you've done your best, you are not responsible for her moods, but you do have responsibility for your part. Did you give her chances to change by confronting her? Did you communicate well to her what you were feeling? Did you give her chance to communicate her needs?.....

[asrgal]

Just a tip:

 

Read the book "how to improve your marriage without talking about it" by John Gray (Author of Men Are from Mars , Women Are from Venus).

 

I can only suggest it, especially for women, why not buy it for your wife and read together. It is great - really made me understand men and my man so much better, and what all of us women do wrong daily in a relationship and it isn't necessary at all and we also don't mean to, we just don't know any better (some good tips for the guys as well), and it was like a duah moment reading each chapter...sooo true. I am not a huge self help book person, but this is a good one, and life is good :-)