Married men, post here if you hate your life

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

The people in this thread who are pointing out there are two people in this marriage whose needs are not being met are 100% correct. This would come the surface with effective marital counseling...

 

I have been married for over 16 years and have felt the way you do. Heck, just a couple of weeks ago I whined to the neighbors that "my marriage is going down the tubes and that I am away from the home 60 hours a week, and my wife looks the hottest she has in all the time I have known her, she’s obsessed with working out, our interests are growing apart, our intimacy is fading, and she is obviously no longer interested in being with me!" As much as I initially regretted telling my close neighbors what I did, my wife and are now working together and I feel 100% better about what is going on.

 

Like a good neighbor, they sat down with us and had a long intimate conversation (over a couple of bottles of wine.. lol) about what is/was going on. It was like a therapy session (but I think that it was much more effective than all the counselors we have been to over the years). Basically I became more aware of what is going on in her mind and as a result realized what I needed to change and improve. I know what I can work on now (and I think she got the same for her). Most importantly for both of us, we are both reassured that no matter what, we want to work on it. We are committed to working together and being successful and life partners, parents and role models. This is the reassurance that THE TWO OF YOU need right now.

 

I truly look forward to the day when my wife and I can have the ability to pay it forward and counsel a couple when they are feeling like their marriage is getting to be 'no longer worth it...'

 

So, to the OP, how can everyone here get you to slow down and see that your marriage is and will be what YOU make of it? That your wife has a point of view and I can say with confidence it is nothing like you are implying. You think she is happy with things the way they are, that she sits around and eats bon bons, and love to spend your hard earned cash, and does not want to be intimate with you cause she's got you locked now (you might even think she is getting it elsewhere). This is more than likely THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what is going on in her head...

 

About your view of the “alpha male,” and that you now suck as a man… You want to be the guy who the world truly views as inadequate? Keep on doing what you are doing, let your marriage atrophy, and/or get a divorce, set a crappy example for your daughter, and keep wallowing in self pity. That would be an individual who “sucks as a man.”

 

Now fast forward 20-25 years, and put your daughter in the shoes of your wife. Yes, your daughter is in a marriage just like where your wife is now. Think about that. Think deeply about it. I have done it many times, I have 4 daughters. Tell me you don’t wake up realize that you can do this… YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR THE WOMEN IN YOUR LIFE! You don’t have a choice. Time to really MAN UP!

 

Good Luck!

Edited May 29, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Krytie TV]

I can't speak for the men that posted here, but I wonder if anyone else finds it incredibly annoying that the topic is clearly for men to vent their frustrations and woman after woman comes here and tells them it's their fault. Ladies, these men get the same crap at home. Why not leave your male-blaming philosophies out of a discussion for once and just let the guys vent to each other. Find some cheating thread to accost for a while.

[Woggle]

Like I'd be that stupid...

 

The sad thing is I don't know if you are joking or not.

[Woggle]

I can't speak for the men that posted here, but I wonder if anyone else finds it incredibly annoying that the topic is clearly for men to vent their frustrations and woman after woman comes here and tells them it's their fault. Ladies, these men get the same crap at home. Why not leave your male-blaming philosophies out of a discussion for once and just let the guys vent to each other. Find some cheating thread to accost for a while.

 

Very true. Offline men have to silence ourselves but here men can speak freely about how we feel and I think that is what bothers some women so much. Many of them fully approve of how some of our wives treat us and think we deserve and how dare we complain about it.

 

This is why men are so afraid to commit. Younger men see this stuff and it scares them to death. People can knock men with a peter pan complex or men who want to play around well into old age but I would bet that these men are much happier than the husbands in this thread.

[jackson30]

I've been married 30 years and I've never hated it, it hasn't been as happy as I would like and yes I've tried to talk to her about it, about what I would like to change.

 

I've found trying to get her to change anything to be pointless and a waste of time, and after enough attempts I've given up on that.

 

After this many years we seem to be more roommates than spouses and I'm fine with that. I guess in my old age all I will really need is a companion, plus she gets healthcare with her pension and I don't, although I have more money so it works out best for both of us.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I agree. I feel like I got the ole "bait and switch" in my marriage. Before marriage we had no money, but we always had fun and great sex all the time. We'd do nice things for each other frequently. While I was a little reluctant to marry as young as I did, I loved her and we did get married.

 

But soon after the first child came, she slowly transformed into a nagging, angry harpie. I work hard and did well for us always. I've made us more money every year and so we live in comfort and security. I do nice things for her but nothing gets reciprocated. It's as though now she resents me for some inexplicable reason. We have mechanical sex maybe 2 times a month at best.

 

Now here I am, 2 kids later, and I have to take a deep breath before stepping into the house after work because I WILL be yelled at for something I did or didn't do, or could have done. Weekends I get yelled at several times a day for a variety of different minor infractions. I'm seeing my best sexual years pass me by with the vast majority of my orgasms coming from my right fist. The women I've pushed away in order to stay faithful now are cause for some regret at times when I think about what I'm missing.

 

I have tried so many times to get her to tell me what is wrong, but she tells me nothing is wrong. I had to stop asking because she gets visibly annoyed if I do now.

 

Don't any of you start with the introspective pollyanna bullcrap on me. She is happy with her life. She doesn't have to work, we have a maid so she doean't have to clean, and she cooks maybe once a week. I cook breakfast for everybody in the morning and take the kids to school. I cook great dinners on the weekends (because I like it - it's a hobby for me). She has a great circle of friends she does things during the day with and she gets to work out an hour every day. Unless she tells me what, if anything is wrong, then I have to think she is happy. She certainly seems that way. If there is something I'm supposed to change, then I don't know what it is.

 

The only reason I stay now is because I love my kids and could never imagine not seeing them every day. But do I hate my life? Yes I do.

 

Ask them what else they want, they say nothing, yet things don't improve. Very cynical, but unfortunately not that uncommon. Many men want very little, ask for nothing but enthusiastic sex 1-3x's/wk, some reasonable time to do their activities and a happy wife..... In return we work hard, try and provide a good standard of living and will pretty much do as asked.

[janie423]

I can't speak for the men that posted here, but I wonder if anyone else finds it incredibly annoying that the topic is clearly for men to vent their frustrations and woman after woman comes here and tells them it's their fault. Ladies, these men get the same crap at home. Why not leave your male-blaming philosophies out of a discussion for once and just let the guys vent to each other. Find some cheating thread to accost for a while.

 

okay, I consulted my husband about this very topic, and these were his words:

 

"if you hang around a woman long enough, she will de-ball you"

 

so see, I have sympathy for you

[stillafool]

Why don't all you unhappy people get divorced and get happy?

[kuma]

Well, what do you suggest I do? Bearing in mind that any course of action has to fit in around the 70-80 hours of work I need to do each week just to pay the bills.

 

What kind of bills do you have to pay? Cut back on unnecessary things. 70-80 hrs a week is too much. Your health is more important than money.

[Brightmoon]

What kind of bills do you have to pay? Cut back on unnecessary things. 70-80 hrs a week is too much. Your health is more important than money.

 

 

This is what I was thinking too.

 

What does she spend the money on?

[Neutrino]

Why don't all you unhappy people get divorced and get happy?

 

This is the most sensible post here.

 

You can never be treated worse than what you are willing to accept.

[LittleTiger]

Why don't all you unhappy people get divorced and get happy?

 

Very good question. Having been in an unhappy marriage, I can highly recommend getting out of it as a means to increase personal happiness. Divorce isn't something I'd rush to do again, of course, but it is an option to consider when you reach a point where you hate your life and you think your marriage is the cause.

 

I wouldn't point the finger at either myself or my ex - we were both to blame for the life we ended up with. Even where one of you is behaving badly, it still takes two to keep the status quo.

 

I'm not suggesting it's easy but, if you hate your life, change it.

[kdark]

This thread scares the living crap out of me.

[Crusoe]

Why don't all you unhappy people get divorced and get happy?

 

Losing your home, paying alimony and limited access to your children rarely make a good man happy.

[kdark]

Why????????????????????????

 

Because when I imagine what hell is, what pops into my head is what these men are living daily.

 

My dad lives in the same situation, and I can't be around him anymore because my blood sucking vampire of step mom is always ordering him around and yelling at him. And this is at family get togethers when they put on their happy faces for everyone. I can't imagine what it's like when we're not around.

[dreamingoftigers]

I doubt my wife would agree to me taking a day off work for any reason, and I can't see her letting me do it to go to counselling. Working all these hours wouldn't be so bad if my wife actually did anything, but she doesn't. She sits at home all day watching TV, the house is a mess, and then she yells at me when I get home at 9.30pm because I haven't cleaned the house as well.

 

The only real option I can see is to leave and start again. I think I'll start checking out some apartments for rent in my area. Sure, the divorce will cost me a lot of money, but at this point, I'll pay just about any price to get my life back. One thing is for sure, I won't be making this mistake again.

 

HELLO! Did you even notice that? Do what you need to take care of yourself first, chips fall where they may. You need to get yourself some help. You need to become a healthier person before you can even begin to figure out what you really want. If you want your family you may need to restructure some things with your wife instead of being a victim-chicken and just moving out.

 

Honestly if she is just sitting around all day and being a cow when you get home, then it really sounds like is depressed and kind of a victim too. Why not try to fix your life before running away from it (and yes, that is exactly how it looks and your daughter will end up seeing it that way too). Your only options are the ones you make.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, what do you suggest I do? Bearing in mind that any course of action has to fit in around the 70-80 hours of work I need to do each week just to pay the bills.

 

You tell her that you and she will have to come up with a way to make some extra income to allow for you or you and her to get some counseling and that that may include her going back to work. You explain that you feel this may be the only way to save the relationship/family. Give her the choice too. If she says "NO! and get cleaning that bathroom!" Then, yeah, start looking at moving out.

[dreamingoftigers]

See, this is the problem, marriage isn't about "commitment" and never has been. I would have been happy to stay with her forever if what we had before the marriage had continued. The problem was that clearly, she was making a big effort before we got married, but she had no plan to do anything for me, or show any commitment after she had me trapped in the marriage. I, being the fool that I am, went along with it. I've stuck it out this long for our daughter, and I've remained committed by continuing to work 70 and 80 hours a week when I should have just bailed and told my wife to pay for her own spending. Clearly, my commitment has never been returned, so it's time to go.

 

Instead of being so bloody conflict-avoidant, CONFRONT HER! I have no idea why men are like this.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree. I feel like I got the ole "bait and switch" in my marriage. Before marriage we had no money, but we always had fun and great sex all the time. We'd do nice things for each other frequently. While I was a little reluctant to marry as young as I did, I loved her and we did get married.

 

But soon after the first child came, she slowly transformed into a nagging, angry harpie. I work hard and did well for us always. I've made us more money every year and so we live in comfort and security. I do nice things for her but nothing gets reciprocated. It's as though now she resents me for some inexplicable reason. We have mechanical sex maybe 2 times a month at best.

 

Now here I am, 2 kids later, and I have to take a deep breath before stepping into the house after work because I WILL be yelled at for something I did or didn't do, or could have done. Weekends I get yelled at several times a day for a variety of different minor infractions. I'm seeing my best sexual years pass me by with the vast majority of my orgasms coming from my right fist. The women I've pushed away in order to stay faithful now are cause for some regret at times when I think about what I'm missing.

 

I have tried so many times to get her to tell me what is wrong, but she tells me nothing is wrong. I had to stop asking because she gets visibly annoyed if I do now.

 

Don't any of you start with the introspective pollyanna bullcrap on me. She is happy with her life. She doesn't have to work, we have a maid so she doean't have to clean, and she cooks maybe once a week. I cook breakfast for everybody in the morning and take the kids to school. I cook great dinners on the weekends (because I like it - it's a hobby for me). She has a great circle of friends she does things during the day with and she gets to work out an hour every day. Unless she tells me what, if anything is wrong, then I have to think she is happy. She certainly seems that way. If there is something I'm supposed to change, then I don't know what it is.

 

The only reason I stay now is because I love my kids and could never imagine not seeing them every day. But do I hate my life? Yes I do.

 

Your wife doesn't feel loved. I can smell it from here, loved or desired. You provide for her and you resent her too. Try being romantic and desiring of her for a month. She will be heavily resistant because she won't trust it, but then when you are consistent she will cave. Guys often think that providing material goods is distinctly the way to show love and that often escapes women. They like it, but it isn't the way they often receive love.

 

They receive love through affection, VERBAL REASSURANCE and by being sexually desired. Try to just be affectionate with her aside from having sex. Try making out with her without screwing and let her know how much you like it. I know it sounds gay but this stuff works.

 

She probably feels like you gave her the bait and switch too.

[kdark]

That's so horrible. I guess we all know women(and men) like that. One of my grandmothers was so bad we joked all her husbands died to get away from her. Don't let it frighten you like that. Remember you get to decide how you will live your life.

 

I remember one time when I was living under their roof I heard them get into an argument in the kitchen upstairs. It was about how it was my fathers fault that she had a crappy day at work because he forgot to put on a pot of coffee before she went to work. I was expecting my dad to just sit their and take it and apologize like has been doing for a decade, but he snapped.

 

A man who has never stood up for himself in his entire marriage lashed out at his controlling wife and gave her what she deserved. He yelled. He insulted. He threatened to leave. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. I was literally about to cry because I was so proud of my father.

 

But of course, five years later, things are back to the way they were. My dad is back to being a broken shell of a man, and my step mom still hasn't apologized for taking my father away from me.

 

Maybe that's why I can't trust women. And that's why I don't believe marriage can ever work, and whenever I hear my friends are getting married, I genuinely feel sorry for them.

[Woggle]

Why don't all you unhappy people get divorced and get happy?

 

If you are a man you can forget about seeing your kids or keeping your money after a divorce especially if you initiate it.

[Woggle]

I wish I could print copies of this thread and pass them out to every man that is thinking about getting married.

[allina]

I wish I could print copies of this thread and pass them out to every man that is thinking about getting married.

 

There you go with every man and every woman again Woggle.

 

As someone that is getting married in a couple months I take threads like this very seriously. They freak me out a little to be perfectly honest.

 

But I also don't understand what happens in these marriages to get them to this miserable state. Is it marrying people who are just selfish/lousy partners? Is it marrying for the sake of being married??

 

I know with certainty that my parent's marriage isn't like this, and there is no way my own marriage will be like this.

 

(and fyi I showed this thread to my fiance)

[Woggle]

There you go with every man and every woman again Woggle.

 

As someone that is getting married in a couple months I take threads like this very seriously. They freak me out a little to be perfectly honest.

 

But I also don't understand what happens in these marriages to get them to this miserable state. Is it marrying people who are just selfish/lousy partners? Is it marrying for the sake of being married??

 

I know with certainty that my parent's marriage isn't like this, and there is no way my own marriage will be like this.

 

(and fyi I showed this thread to my fiance)

 

I doubt that you will ever be like this but this is the reality tons of men are living. I know not all women are this way and men who snag women such as yourself are very lucky but those marriages are very rare.

[dreamingoftigers]

I doubt that you will ever be like this but this is the reality tons of men are living. I know not all women are this way and men who snag women such as yourself are very lucky but those marriages are very rare.

 

My therapist has told us that about roughly 45% of families in Canada are "functional." That would seem about accurate with the divorce rate being about 37% up here. It seems like there are a lot of healthy spouses, but marriages like that don't make headlines.

 

Maybe someone should write a book called "The Healthy Marriage" so that people who come from ****ty backgrounds (like me) could have a picture of what that looks like.

 

Maybe that would be a better thing to pass around to people thinking of getting married than this thread.

 

I go to a church filled with happy families (no not everyone and no not everyone that seems happy is truly happy) but a lot of the members consistently speak highly of their spouses and family and it just seems so warm and healthy. They have sessions that are part of our regular service to encourage the men and women to become better spouses and be grateful for one another.

 

I hope I never come across as being ungrateful for the things my husband does do. But I also don't want to cloud over the awful things he has done and has not made any reparations for (i hope that doesn't sound too entitled, like I am waiting on high for his apology on a silver platter)