Labeling MM

[Fallen Angel]

It is one thing to insist that someone has a personality disorder, based on internetz knowledges, lol.

 

It is another to see a pattern of behavior (based on information shared) that the OP might not see (too close to the situation), and suggest the OP look into X that seems to fit this pattern of behavior. Take it or leave it, but it can sometimes be a HUGE eye opening help.

 

I agree, two completely different things yet it appears based on the amount of times I have seen people say "your MM is a Narcissist..." that people here are doing more of the former and less of the latter.

 

To suggest that someone appears to have traits of a certain disorder is entirely different than saying "HE IS (insert disorder of the day here)". I am wondering why so many people feel comfortable in doing this; why they feel they have the right to difinitively say those things about someone they have never met?

[NoIDidn't]

Interesting that if someone said "Your MM is a wonderful man" there are no complaints about him being labelled.

 

 

Go figure!

 

 

I say the same thing that was said in the other thread in so many words - get over it, fact of life, don't be mad, etc., etc., etc.....

[Fallen Angel]

Interesting that if someone said "Your MM is a wonderful man" there are no complaints about him being labelled.

 

 

Go figure!

 

 

I say the same thing that was said in the other thread in so many words - get over it, fact of life, don't be mad, etc., etc., etc.....

 

But that is akin to saying he is a coward and not what I am talking about. I am talking about labeling him with a mental illness and/or personality disorder. BIG DIFFERENCE!!

[jj33]

FA why do you care so much? You know the person you are involved with. Why does it touch such a nerve with you?

 

More than a few of the WSs as described display classic signs of NPD.

[Fallen Angel]

FA why do you care so much? You know the person you are involved with. Why does it touch such a nerve with you?

 

More than a few of the WSs as described display classic signs of NPD.

 

LOL.. I do not really "care so much". I just thought it would be an interesting topic to discuss. I am just upset that any issue that is opened up for discussion/debate becomes a stomping ground used for people to bash each other "nicely".

 

Perhaps they display signs of a mental disease, but could not those "signs" also be attributed to other things? I am just curious as to why people feel the need to difinitively "diagnose" people with mental illness when obviously they have neither the degree nor the information that would enable them to honestly do so.

 

**for the record.. I do not recall My Sweetheart ever having been said to display the characteristics of a Narcissist so trying to make it seem as though I am taking something personally is absurd.

[NoIDidn't]

But that is akin to saying he is a coward and not what I am talking about. I am talking about labeling him with a mental illness and/or personality disorder. BIG DIFFERENCE!!

 

The title of the thread is "labelling" not "diagnosing". I just remember the logic used in the last thread that was demeaning to actual members of this forum. So, I said "get over it".

 

I don't see that big of a difference because the people here aren't operating in a professional capacity when they offer their observation and conclude that they think a MM is a <fill in the blank>.

 

I maintain that its obvious that positive descriptors for MM are NEVER complained about.

[Fallen Angel]

The title of the thread is "labelling" not "diagnosing". I just remember the logic used in the last thread that was demeaning to actual members of this forum. So, I said "get over it".

 

I don't see that big of a difference because the people here aren't operating in a professional capacity when they offer their observation and conclude that they think a MM is a <fill in the blank>.

 

I maintain that its obvious that positive descriptors for MM are NEVER complained about.

 

Neither would you complain if someone referred to you as Intelligent, beautiful, funny, amazing, wonderful...etc etc. though I am quite certain that if someone said you were mentally impared, ugly, an a$$clown, boring, horrible ...etc. , you would be quite prepared to put on you boxing gloves (figuratively of course) and defend yourself. (Or someone you love. )

 

That is like comparing apples to oranges and does not help prove anything to my mind.

[NoIDidn't]

Neither would you complain if someone referred to you as Intelligent, beautiful, funny, amazing, wonderful...etc etc. though I am quite certain that if someone said you were mentally impared, ugly, an a$$clown, boring, horrible ...etc. , you would be quite prepared to put on you boxing gloves (figuratively of course) and defend yourself. (Or someone you love. )

 

That is like comparing apples to oranges and does not help prove anything to my mind.

 

What I can't understand is why it matters to you what is said about your loved one on the internet by (mostly) random strangers?

 

It wouldn't matter much to me in either scenario if it happened on the internet. I can turn my computer off, or go to another site.

[Fallen Angel]

What I can't understand is why it matters to you what is said about your loved one on the internet by (mostly) random strangers?

 

It wouldn't matter much to me in either scenario if it happened on the internet. I can turn my computer off, or go to another site.

 

Again I submit that it is not so all-fired important to me as you seem to be saying it is. If you go back and re-read my opening post on this thread you will see that i was bored and looking for discussion/debate and picked a topic solely for that purpose.

 

Why are you assuming that this debate or any other carried on here or elsewhere will in anyway effect my life or how I live it?

 

**Though I would willingly put on my figurative boxing gloves to defend you if anyone said any of those nasty things about you... that is just my nature.

[Fallen Angel]

 

Good god...... enough already. Since this is a forum for OW/OM, normally THOSE would have been the acronyms used. AND you said .... so OW are now against people engaging in an EMA??? Really? You are against it?

 

No one said you had to please me - I asked a question -- obviously one that YOU didn't like.

 

 

AHEM.. let me try this again.

 

I said "and others" indicating anyone who is firmly against anyone engaing in any sort of EMR.

 

I did not say that OW/OM are or are not part of that group. I used the word "others" not as a way of indicating someone's place in the EMR triangle, but to indicate their stance against EMRs despite their place in the EMR triangle, or lack thereof.

 

However, this is now bordering on tread jacking and so I will no longer discuss this issue with you. If you feel you have something to add to further the discussion that was proposed in my OP feel free to do so.

 

Thank You.

 

*did I do better this time, Tony? ;)

[pureinheart]

look.. I just wanted a discussion of labeling people with things like NPD, Bi-polar, and split-self. (While split-self is not considered a "personality disorder" apparently, I think perhaps it should be as it is a part of the split-self's personality that leads their life to "disorder"... lol.. but hey that's just my two cents)

 

I do not know how this got off topic to discussing the terms "cheater, liar, coward" as those are personality traits but not something that someone would "diagnose" as so many people here seem to give a layman's diagnosis (Narcissist, bi-polar etc.. based on a few paragraphs worth of information about someone they have never met.)

 

My OP was written with the intent to discuss why people here feel that it is okay to tell someone that the person they are dealing with is suffering from (insert the personality disorder of the day here) when they have no clue as to if the person they are spouting off about suffers from the stated disorder or not.

 

As to labeling someone a liar because they have lied, well surely you can do that, but i would assume anyone who chooses to do so should likely get out their own "LIAR" badge and put it on, because I am certain not a single one of us is not guilty of having told a lie.

 

The same goes for the cheater badge and the coward badge. While not everyone has cheated in a marriage I am quite content to say that I am not conversing with Jesus on this board and so therefore I am comfortable in assuming that everyone here has cheated at something at sometime in their lives. And all of us I am sure have shown cowardly traits at somepoint, so *shrug* those are badges we must all wear if they apply forever to someone who has ever once committed those offences.

 

And finally to speak to "looking inward" and learning about why I am in the relationship I am in. I do just that, daily. I know what makes me tick and why and how; and when I find things about myself that need fixing I work towards that end. Obviously there are many who do not, but I am not one of them. Thanks!

 

This paragraph is what I've been wanting to say, and have said it in the terms of being/acting "perfect". We will always fall short in some area. A's seem to be the impardonable sin though, why?

 

I have done things that deserve awards, I have done things that deserve the death penalty, yet "those things" do not define "me". We are all made up of good and bad...actions and words.

 

To "discuss" a matter is great, although more than not I don't see "discussion" I see one or two people continuously on the defensive...why?

 

I've operated in anger thus bashing/labeling exDM with some extremely unkind things and words. At this point I am communicating that I am better than him (selfrighteousness) and have the right to do unkind things and say unkind things under the guise that "he did something to me". This is not working an issue out objectively, this is me not being any better than him (actions combined with words).

[jennie-jennie]

Finding a label that fits you can be incredibly helpful. Getting one shoved down your throat is not.

I have no problem with for example jthorne describing herself and her MM as cheaters and liars as she did in a post above. Then I can think about that and consider whether it applies to my MM and me. But if she would instead label us as such, it would be inappropriate since she does not have knowledge enough about us as individuals. By labeling us she would have crossed a line which would make me stop listening to her.

 

Since posters on other threads have pointed out what they found to be an inconsistency in my standpoint about labeling, I want to direct the attention to this post of mine, where I clearly state I have no problem with posters labeling participants in their own love triangle with miscellaneous terms.

[silverplanets]

Neither would you complain if someone referred to you as Intelligent, beautiful, funny, amazing, wonderful...etc etc. though I am quite certain that if someone said you were mentally impared, ugly, an a$$clown, boring, horrible ...etc. , you would be quite prepared to put on you boxing gloves (figuratively of course) and defend yourself. (Or someone you love. )

 

That is like comparing apples to oranges and does not help prove anything to my mind.

 

I wish someone had told me what an a-hole I was being when I first got involved with xMM :)

[OWoman]

I wish someone had told me what an a-hole I was being when I first got involved with xMM :)

 

Ah - but would you have heard it, then?

 

When I got M to my 1st H - an unplanned, unsober decision we acted on as soon as the courts opened in the morning - several people told me I was making a mistake. I laughed it off - still not sober - despite the fact that I had been politically and morally opposed to M all my life, that I'd had a very on-and-off and not very constructive R with my then-H for some time, despite my closest and oldest friends shaking their heads sadly and saying, but O, that's just not you... and despite my father - when he met my H, some time later, saying to me, he's a total arsehole, you will sober up and you will realise that and you will regret this. I was on my own pluck, and there was no way I could have heard a single thing anyone said to me. Until later.

 

I don't regret any of my experiences - they've made me who I am, and I'm cool with that - but I do sometimes wonder how things would have turned out if I'd taken the other road...

[silverplanets]

Ah - but would you have heard it, then?

 

When I got M to my 1st H - an unplanned, unsober decision we acted on as soon as the courts opened in the morning - several people told me I was making a mistake. I laughed it off - still not sober - despite the fact that I had been politically and morally opposed to M all my life, that I'd had a very on-and-off and not very constructive R with my then-H for some time, despite my closest and oldest friends shaking their heads sadly and saying, but O, that's just not you... and despite my father - when he met my H, some time later, saying to me, he's a total arsehole, you will sober up and you will realise that and you will regret this. I was on my own pluck, and there was no way I could have heard a single thing anyone said to me. Until later.

 

I don't regret any of my experiences - they've made me who I am, and I'm cool with that - but I do sometimes wonder how things would have turned out if I'd taken the other road...

 

Yep - would agree with that ... I would have listened but probably not really "heard" what was being said. (in fact one close friend did try to point out the obvious - but obviously my MW was different (yuk!) )

 

And yes, I probably wouldn't change it - but I am not sure I really needed to go through quite so much sh*t to realise that I deserved better.

 

But then again, as I kept going back for more I guess I must have !!!

 

Nowadays I can just laugh at myself for it all though ... I never did do anything by halves :)

[bittersweet memories]

Many seem to put a label on their MM/MW or SO to give them a reason to stick around this toxic relationship. "Like awwwe he can't help it", he's bipolar, he's split-self, narcissist (sp?)..etc.. Just to give an excuse to stick around the relationship without looking like a fool.

 

I don't believe in labels I call them like i see them..cheaters, liars and cowards.

[bentnotbroken]

Many seem to put a label on their MM/MW or SO to give them a reason to stick around this toxic relationship. "Like awwwe he can't help it", he's bipolar, he's split-self, narcissist (sp?)..etc.. Just to give an excuse to stick around the relationship without looking like a fool.

 

I don't believe in labels I call them like i see them..cheaters, liars and cowards.

 

 

Especially those who use the excuse they were some how forced into marriage and forced to stay in that marriage for some asinine reason.