Is this emotional abuse?

[veryconfuzed]

I have never experienced this before, so looking for any insight on this man's behavior...

 

A coworker and I have spent a lot of time alone together at work over the last few months. No physical contact, but it became apparent we enjoy spending time together and that we are attracted to each other. He asked me out for a drink after work. That night, he didn't call until 7pm. He had worked a long day (12 hrs), was exhausted, going home instead, sorry we didn't go out, and we'll have to do that some time.

 

I took that as rejection, and I figured that was it with him. But, the next few weeks he was still very flirtatious at work and our relationship seemed the same as ever. In fact, he was paying even more attention to me, so I was very confused. After a month passed, I wanted to clarify what was going on, so I told him I had the impression he changed his mind about going out. He said no, not at all. The next day he asked me out again, and I said yes (not so smart, but I like this man and I believe in second chances).

 

Again, I got a call from him right after work (when he said he would call). He was off that day, and had been golfing w/ his buddies. He said they had started drinking at noon (he sounded like it), and he was going home now because he was afraid he was going to get caught in a DUI checkpoint (they're doing a bunch of those this weekend). He said he was sorry we weren't going out and "don't be mad". He said a couple of times, as if to reassure me, "it's gonna happen" (meaning, that we would go out together).

 

I realize there could be a lot of different things going on here, but I wanted to see if anyone could comment on his behavior in terms of emotional abuse. He has asked me out twice, then canceled at the last minute both times. Each time, he has left things open-ended for us to go out in the future. I have a feeling he is going to be back to ask me out again, but I will have to refuse because I can't continue to allow myself to be treated this way. This is a big disappointment to me, because I really like this man and he is so reliable and good to me at work.

 

Are these elements of controlling/abusive behavior? I have to wonder about alcoholism, of course, although at work I have never smelled alcohol on him. Or, perhaps he is attracted to me but is just not that into me enough to overcome his selfish tendencies. Any insight/ideas appreciated...

[Citizen Erased]

He's a flake, not abusive.

[Eclipse11]

I don't think you have known him long enough yet to categorise him as abusive...I agree with the above lady who deemed him a flake, I think that's all...it may be better for you though to break off your involvement with him now before you get more deeply entrenched... Eclipse x

[veryconfuzed]

He's a flake, not abusive.

 

If that's the case, I guess the best thing for me to do is to stop giving him the opportunity to be flakey (stop agreeing to meet him for a beer).

[veryconfuzed]

I don't think you have known him long enough yet to categorise him as abusive...I agree with the above lady who deemed him a flake, I think that's all...it may be better for you though to break off your involvement with him now before you get more deeply entrenched... Eclipse x

 

Agreed - Thx

[sugarmomma]

He's pretty much giving you a preview of the coming attraction if you keep agreeing to go out with him. He's a jerk that would become abusive if you decided to keep seeing him. He's playing with your emotions since he knows you are interested. I had one like that and got rid of him before I got attached.

[veryconfuzed]

He's pretty much giving you a preview of the coming attraction if you keep agreeing to go out with him. He's a jerk that would become abusive if you decided to keep seeing him. He's playing with your emotions since he knows you are interested. I had one like that and got rid of him before I got attached.

 

What you say about a "preview of the coming attraction" is what concerns me most. If he is doing this before we even go out on a date, what would it be like once we got involved?

 

I posted this thread the night he canceled on me the second time. The next day I got a call from him. He was nervous and apologized (several times), he said he hoped I wasn't still mad at him, and that he still wanted to go out with me. I'm proud to say that I didn't accept his apology (which would imply he was forgiven) and I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear which was that I wasn't mad at him any more. When he talked about going out in the future, I told him I was gun-shy from what happened the first two times (and I am, believe me!).

 

I could have done better by completely rejecting him, but I at least feel good that I at didn't allow the balance of power to be tipped back to his side.

 

By the way, Sugarmomma - I love your quote about power. Did you come up with that on your own? It's wonderful.

[sugarmomma]

What you say about a "preview of the coming attraction" is what concerns me most. If he is doing this before we even go out on a date, what would it be like once we got involved?

 

I posted this thread the night he canceled on me the second time. The next day I got a call from him. He was nervous and apologized (several times), he said he hoped I wasn't still mad at him, and that he still wanted to go out with me. I'm proud to say that I didn't accept his apology (which would imply he was forgiven) and I didn't tell him what he wanted to hear which was that I wasn't mad at him any more. When he talked about going out in the future, I told him I was gun-shy from what happened the first two times (and I am, believe me!).

 

I could have done better by completely rejecting him, but I at least feel good that I at didn't allow the balance of power to be tipped back to his side.

 

By the way, Sugarmomma - I love your quote about power. Did you come up with that on your own? It's wonderful.

 

It's good to hear you were able to set a boundary with him letting him know that his behavior is unacceptable. He will respect you more for standing up for yourself. I wouldn't give him another chance though because his character sounds really shady. Someone will come along that will look forward to keeping dates with you and being on time. That's another thing I've noticed that guys will try to do is disrespect my time. I don't accept that either. I'm pretty tough now but I get to date men who have character and integrity and not the dirt bags that don't keep their promises.

 

I got the quote from a good friend of mine that had been through hell and back with a crazy making xgf. He got over her.

[veryconfuzed]

Well, he contacted me a third time to go out with him for a drink. I went, and I had a great time. We talked and drank beer for over 2 hours. He showed up on time (early, actually), wouldn't let me pay for anything, and walked me to my car and gave me a hug when we left. He followed up with a nice phone call a couple of days later.

 

What I'm sensing with this guy more than anything is fear of commitment. I think he really likes his life the way it is, playing sports and drinking with his buddies. That's fine. I really like him, but I'm going to leave him alone and if he wants to pursue me he can. If he doesn't, I'm not going to push him. If nothing else, we are at a good place with our friendship right now.

[KismetGirl]

Wow. Seriously?

 

For starters, emotional abuse is a serious matter.....not when some idiot that asks you out a couple of times then flakes out on you at the last minute.

 

Controlling and abusive people demean their partners verbally and control them mentally. Rejection is not emotional abuse. If it was we'd all classify as being emotionally abused in our lives.

 

And BTW- if any man told me he was so drunk he could kill someone by driving drunk home, and yet his only concern was getting in trouble at a DUI checkpoint, my disgust with him would be so great I would spit on him if he ever asked me out again.

 

Go see what happens when someone dies in a drunk driving accident. It boggles my mind that you or anyone else takes it so lightly that someone would think it's acceptable to drink since noon and drive home, and that you then think your biggest problem emotionally is that some moron flaked out on a drink date a couple of times.

 

You really need to re-evaluate your priorities and taste in men. But regardless, there is alot of info out there from reputable social services organizations that detail exactly what emotional and physical abuse can entail. I should know....I work with many of them in my line of work. Ask some woman whose husband comes hom every day, tells her she is a worthless, stupid, ugly, slut, who tells her no other person would ever want her and that he is doing her a favour by coming home to her, who says if she ever leaves him he'll take her children away or threaten to hurt her, or a million other horrible things or mind games real abused women experience.

 

Really. That guy sounds like a total catch. You should go have a drink with him. Let him have 10 drinks actually, then let him get in his car and drive so maybe he can kill you, himself, and if you're lucky some innocent family in a minivan on their way home in the afternoon.

 

That last paragraph was sarcastic. Don't mind me. People who drink and/or do drugs and then drive sicken my to a degree indescribable in words.

Edited June 13, 2010 by KismetGirl

[You'reasian]

I have never experienced this before, so looking for any insight on this man's behavior...

 

A coworker and I have spent a lot of time alone together at work over the last few months. No physical contact, but it became apparent we enjoy spending time together and that we are attracted to each other. He asked me out for a drink after work. That night, he didn't call until 7pm. He had worked a long day (12 hrs), was exhausted, going home instead, sorry we didn't go out, and we'll have to do that some time.

 

I took that as rejection, and I figured that was it with him. But, the next few weeks he was still very flirtatious at work and our relationship seemed the same as ever. In fact, he was paying even more attention to me, so I was very confused. After a month passed, I wanted to clarify what was going on, so I told him I had the impression he changed his mind about going out. He said no, not at all. The next day he asked me out again, and I said yes (not so smart, but I like this man and I believe in second chances).

 

Again, I got a call from him right after work (when he said he would call). He was off that day, and had been golfing w/ his buddies. He said they had started drinking at noon (he sounded like it), and he was going home now because he was afraid he was going to get caught in a DUI checkpoint (they're doing a bunch of those this weekend). He said he was sorry we weren't going out and "don't be mad". He said a couple of times, as if to reassure me, "it's gonna happen" (meaning, that we would go out together).

 

I realize there could be a lot of different things going on here, but I wanted to see if anyone could comment on his behavior in terms of emotional abuse. He has asked me out twice, then canceled at the last minute both times. Each time, he has left things open-ended for us to go out in the future. I have a feeling he is going to be back to ask me out again, but I will have to refuse because I can't continue to allow myself to be treated this way. This is a big disappointment to me, because I really like this man and he is so reliable and good to me at work.

 

Are these elements of controlling/abusive behavior? I have to wonder about alcoholism, of course, although at work I have never smelled alcohol on him. Or, perhaps he is attracted to me but is just not that into me enough to overcome his selfish tendencies. Any insight/ideas appreciated...

 

Do not date people whom you work with.

 

The more separation of working division, the better because fallout from a relationship can affect your day to day business. This is magnified if you are in the same office doing the same thing.

Edited June 13, 2010 by You'reasian