Ex GF Texted/Broke NC, What Next?

[NABDP]

I am the dumpee. Got AOL IM'ed out of the blue after 45 days NC by my ex GF with a simple "I miss you".

 

I decided to write back very delicately with a "Thank you...but I have to wonder why you are telling me?". I didn't want to pull an "I miss you too" as I have no idea if she is with another guy still or what. My NC has been total.

 

I waited around a day to write that back, but after I sent that, around 30 minutes later, she wrote "sorry, i shouldn't have" and that's where it ended.

 

At this point I'm not sure what to do. I would love to see her again but I don't want to give her back the upper hand or look like a fool. But I also don't want to miss an opportunity if she was reaching out here. I'm trying to do the push/pull thing the right way.

 

So what do I do next? Just go back into NC?

[rcrljmg07]

just go no contact again, my ex has told me she misses me loves me, on and on but when it comes to action she still has a boyfriend so what do those words mean.

[northstar1]

I can't say for certain, but that wouldn't be enough for me to believe she's having second thoughts. She could be throwing out bait to see if you'll bite for an ego stroke. She may even truly miss you but it also may be that missing you is not enough for her to want you back in a relationship.

 

Leave it for now man. If she truly is thinking she wants to come back for you, then she had better put up a hell of a lot better show than a simple three word text. Like the type where she shows up at your door, willing to do anything to try again.

 

I haven't heard a peep from my ex in a month, and although it stings that she's clearly moved on with her life, I am also somewhat grateful she did not look back and throw me breadcrumbs and give me false hope.

[NABDP]

Hey, I appreciate this a lot, folks, I wish I had seen this sooner and went into NC and stayed there. I really don't get why they reach out and then stick back at ya, I really don't.

 

So all I wrote back and asked was if she was doing ok, and her response was that she was in Florida and doing well (I didn't ask but I assume that is a vacation with OM, we live in the northeast US). She asked if I was doing well and I said yes, and stupidly said "we should catch up sometime" (triggering on the "i miss you" thing of course like a moron taking the bait, thinking maybe she wanted a meet up)....

 

3 texts responded...And I quote...

 

1 - haha i dunno if that's a good idea or not, don't think I'm ready 4 that

2 - I really do miss u and hope you're doing good!

3 - love u always, be careful out there!

 

So there you have it, folks. I don't share this out of pride or joy but only as a lesson and sort of a real world example of why you need NC -- They may love us, miss us even, but that in NO WAY means they want to see us or be with us. They're just playing games with us.

 

Anyway despite all my research and reading about why staying in 100% NC is the way to go I blew it and I had to hear all that today. Not fun and a setback. I can easily go back into NC and this will not be a major setback for me but honestly I should have stayed there after "I miss you" and that should have been that.

 

Learn, as I am learning, and don't do what I did. Sigh!

[NABDP]

By the way northstar let me just say, having been a follower of your threads and postings, it's an honor to have you responding to me. I really appreciate that and I feel that you have not only given some great advice on this forum but also carried yourself admirably well in your own endeavors and I wish you the best. Thank you so much for taking the time to post, and I hope you are holding up ok yourself.

 

I have some dusting off to do after the NC break this weekend, but that's ok -- I can handle it. And it was a good lesson for me. I of course now wish I could roll back and have stayed in 100% NC and not responded to her message at all but like a fool I again took the bait and let her pull me into her world. I wish I hadn't and who even knows why she dragged me in with the mixed messages but that's what they do, I guess. It's so funny to read it and then actually see it happen to you, you think, oh that's not what SHE would do -- And then she does exactly it!!!

[Solear]

Yeah, I keep thinking she's reaching out in a way,

 

She text me the other day asking for a few belongings that she's quite happily done without for the last 9 months.

 

i didn't respond and she text me again telling me where she lives now.

 

She didn't need to tell me where she was living

 

She hasn't told me she misses me or that she still loves me.

 

It's definitely set my mind racing though just as i'm starting a new job too.

 

I think a lot of the time they just need to feel they havnt lost the connection

 

Probably sentimentality

 

Who knows?

[NABDP]

Yeah I agree. It's a connection thing. It's clear to me now. I made the mistake of assuming her reaching out might have been an attempt to reconcile or at least get together to talk or something, but when you look historically at posts here, MOST of the time, these things are done to keep you on the line as a backup plan or to give them an ego boost when they are down.

 

But I don't want to be anyone's backup plan or kept on the line like that, so I will remember that if she tries this again. Solear you were good to not respond at all. I wish I would have done the same, but I learned my lesson. It's set me back a bit, mostly the "I'm in Florida this weekend" thing because I didn't ask her and she felt the need to offer that up anyway, sort of a way to brag about all the great stuff she is doing without me. Which I didn't want to know (that's the reason for NC).

 

I will be okay, but it's a setback. But now I totally understand why people say, you wish for them to contact you, but when they do and you break your NC rule back it's almost always the wrong decision.

[Solear]

Well I actually just met her and gave her stuff back to her. It was all very cordial we hugged each other she apologized for being a bitch at a recent funeral we both attended. I hugged her back an we both talked about work and photography.

 

In all honesty im glad I did it, I was deeply in love with this woman when we split and I ended up on anti depressants for three months after. I was quite literally a nervous wreck.

 

I decided to forgive her one morning on a bus into work. I didn't tell her, It was just something inside me that said it was the right time.

 

Anyway if she decides she wants to make a go of things again, It'll have to come from her.

[northstar1]

By the way northstar let me just say, having been a follower of your threads and postings, it's an honor to have you responding to me. I really appreciate that and I feel that you have not only given some great advice on this forum but also carried yourself admirably well in your own endeavors and I wish you the best. Thank you so much for taking the time to post, and I hope you are holding up ok yourself.

 

I have some dusting off to do after the NC break this weekend, but that's ok -- I can handle it. And it was a good lesson for me. I of course now wish I could roll back and have stayed in 100% NC and not responded to her message at all but like a fool I again took the bait and let her pull me into her world. I wish I hadn't and who even knows why she dragged me in with the mixed messages but that's what they do, I guess. It's so funny to read it and then actually see it happen to you, you think, oh that's not what SHE would do -- And then she does exactly it!!!

 

You'll be fine man. Most of us here do have some desire for our ex's to contact us. It does help our damaged to get some signal they think of us still. One of my struggles with NC after a breakup when you don't hear from an ex, is that you've become a stranger to them and it is always a blow to the ego.

 

But unless my ex (and yours) is going to contact me to say "We made a mistake, I miss you and want to see you and try again and work on what went wrong", I don't want to hear from her. Even a simple bday wish spikes your hopes and then when they either don't follow it up with anything of substance or they ignore my reply, it just sinks you again.

 

I struggle just like everyone else here. I have my good days and bad days and days where everything I come across seems to be some reminder of days past. But I've learned from past breakups that NC truly is the only way to get separation and to realize they aren't coming back (and in many cases, if they do come back, what was broken before is still broken).

 

This was only a small setback to you and you also gained some valuable insight into your ex and your own life and now going back to NC will be easier for you because you've seen that crumbs don't equal a meal.

[NABDP]

Thanks, buddy, that's really nice of you to say. I feel just like a bit of a fool today for taking the bait yesterday and getting involved in a mini conversation, and letting her manipulate me, and even somehow finding out she was on a friggin vacation with the guy without even asking or wanting to know. It's like she wanted to shove it in my face for no reason at all. I haven't once told her anything I am up to, though I guess if she has been stalking my AOL status (the method she used to send these messages) she may know what I have been doing, who I have been dating, etc...Is there a way to block her from seeing my status I wonder? Maybe I need to do that.

 

I agree with what you say from the exes, they seem to never do that but only peek, you read so many stories of people who break NC and it's never that whole hearted apology, always just a "miss you" type text or similar, for whatever reason. It's like they are afraid to put their whole heart out there if you are just going to reject them. But that is what it's going to take for me now, because I will no longer entertain her with replies when I get meaningless messages.

 

Birthday, yeah I didn't think of that but mine is just a couple weeks away, so another chance for her to break NC but I am hoping it remains silent. Last month I ignored hers so hopefully she can do the same.

 

You are a strong dude northstar, and from your posts I have been reading despite your ups and downs you have been doing better at NC than I, and doing well mentally too, so good for you. I hope you are having a good weekend.

 

Thanks for acknowledging it was a small setback, and I did learn from it, so maybe not ALL bad, though I know I woke up and saw the texts and felt pretty rotten today. But as you said it did show me crumbs are worthless. Thank you very much.

[AlwaysConflicted]

She text me the other day asking for a few belongings that she's quite happily done without for the last 9 months.

 

I never understand why the ex comes back for belongings. One of my ex's wanted her 10 year old VCR...Go to best buy and get one for 25 bucks....

 

I have a few of my recent ex's belongings. She's never getting them back. I'll donate them to goodwill. You can't rip my heart out and then ask for a VCR...a technology that's been obsolete for years.

 

Next time be more strategic and gather your stuff before the breakup.

[AlwaysConflicted]

I'm about to break No Contact of 1 month because I need closure.

 

You can't fault yourself for breaking NC, it's difficult to just disappear forever especially when you spent so much time with the person.

[NABDP]

I'm about to break No Contact of 1 month because I need closure.

 

You can't fault yourself for breaking NC, it's difficult to just disappear forever especially when you spent so much time with the person.

 

I totally agree about the part about it being difficult to keep NC sometimes, the temptation to break it is just too much, the problem is most of the time when I want to break it (or see someone else want to break it) the motives are usually because there is hope that the dumper will want you back, not to get closure or get the last word in, but in the hopes they will suddenly see the error of their ways and come back to you. And I don't ever recall seeing someone who broke NC to have the person who dumped them be so happy that they are back in contact that they wanted to come back.

 

In general, in the rare cases it HAS happened, it's been when the person who was dumped stayed in NC and the dumper asked to come back (rare, rare, rare). However if you were the one who did the dumping, that's a little different. Otherwise I don't advise breaking NC. Every time even SHE broke it with me has been bad news and a setback. And that was even when I let her break it first.

 

As far as them leaving stuff behind, that's fine, until they pull the crap about wanting to come back for it. It's basically just them stringing you along and having a good excuse if they need an ego boost. It's their way to break NC without having to swallow any pride because then they can say, they aren't contacting you because they miss you or want to see you, they just "need their stuff". The best way you could handle that is either to get all their stuff to them through a 3rd party or the mail, or, at worst, find a way to either not be home or leave the item(s) outside or in a garage area where they can collect them without having to see you at all. Don't play that game.

 

Doing better today, once again, the longer the NC the better it is. I'm now 2 weeks past the original "I miss you" text and it does seem to improve with time.

[ALombard]

Hey guys I just wanted to say something. First off though, a big "What's up" to my boy Northstar, how are you doing man?

 

Ok now to business, NABDP it's fine that you broke NC. I'm pretty sure we have all done it. Just don't beat yourself up over it, I say that because the time I broke NC I would always be angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

 

Also, everything you're saying is RIGHT. My ex texted me last week telling me she missed me, I didn't know how to respond so I just told her I missed her to but I also made it very clear to her that I have moved on with my life (new girl). Northstar is completely right when it comes to the dumpers breaking NC, it usually is a way for them to massage their ego or to see if they still have some grip on you.

 

Never show them they do, even if you think about them all day and they contact you pretend like you're on top the world it will drive them bat**** crazy even if they have a new guy.

 

One thing I could suggest because it has worked for me is change your number. I did it right after my ex and I were finished talking the last time because I was tired of going a week or a few days without talking to her and feeling great only for her to text me or call me. I think she got the point after she realized she couldn't get in touch with me anymore.

 

So now she's stuck to FB messaging which is fine because it's really easy to just delete those messages before I read them. The only time you should ever talk to your ex is if she says something along the lines of wanting you back. If she doesn't do it then my friend go and get yourself a new girl.

[NABDP]

ALombard,

 

Thanks for your reply. I must say I have been a close follower of both yours and Northstar's posts and am an admirer of you both. I don't post much but I still have gotten a lot out of what you said and think you both have the right attitude on how to handle our respective situations. Tough as it is, you have the right idea.

 

I at least can hold my head high that I have not been the one to break NC and crack...I think ultimately the absolute worst you can do, once you start NC, is break it yourself, be the initiator. Still, as you cite, in most cases, there's no reason to respond even if they break NC to you, as it's quite often just a slight twinge on their part and they're throwing crumbs to see if you're still on the line. When you start thinking of yourself as second best, or a backup plan, or being strung along, it becomes easier to avoid the temptation to write back. Seeing what happened when I did respond to her contact, basically just her chance to indirectly put her "new life" into my face again (yet still say she missed and loved me, sure sure, thanks for the crumbs)...It was a real eye opener. I hope others see what happened here, I posted the texts so everyone can see what happens when an ex reaches out and you write back. They toy with you and it sets you back.

 

I have since changed my number so that should help. I went close to 50 days NC before that text at the start of this thread and just went another 2 weeks since that text and it's been silent so it may just stay that way now. It's not like she has relentlessly tried to call or text. And I am happy about that.

 

So now she's stuck to FB messaging which is fine because it's really easy to just delete those messages before I read them. The only time you should ever talk to your ex is if she says something along the lines of wanting you back. If she doesn't do it then my friend go and get yourself a new girl.

 

You realize you can 100% block her on facebook too right? My ex hasn't used facebook at all, except as a war tactic right after the breakup (disconnected herself from all our old friends and neighbors, removed all photos she had posted of us, and immediately started using her facebook thread to brag about all the fun she was having literally the day after we broke up). I immediately blocked her. No more facebook.

 

But I really like the last part of what you said there, and that is, really the only time ANY contact is worth replying to is if it's a direct "want you back" thing. Otherwise it's a waste. Even the want you back may not always be true but at least that's a statement of intent. Birthday wishes, love yous, miss yous, etcs, are nothing...And also seem to be the major/common weapon of the dumper for an ego boost.

 

I'll repeat it -- I've read a lot of threads, and never once have I see these abstract contacts like "I miss you" be any intent of getting back together.

[ALombard]

Actually I didn't know you could do a 100% block on FB. It doesn't really matter her messages, when they do come, don't affect me.

 

But you are completely correct in your thoughts when you talk about your ex stringing you along. I allowed mine to do that twice in our relationship and all it did was crush me completely. I had zero self confidence, zero self respect, I basically thought my life was nothing without her in it so each time she wanted back I jumped at the chance. I say this because I don't want to see other guys fall into this trap. Women are very good at leaving you, rebounding, getting over the rebound and then wanting you back. That is why in most cases it's the female ex who strings the guy along.

 

So yeah believe me once you basically say **** it to your ex and realize that your life goes on and it is actually a lot better now that's when you find the new great girl.

 

Have you ever noticed that the next when you actually give yourself time to heal and don't rebound that the next relationship is always better than the last?

 

**** our ex's especially the ones who jump into something a few days or weeks later. Watch their new relationships wither and die and just smile knowing you did it right.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Wow, this really makes me second guess my attempt to break NC. The thing is, my relationship didn't end hostile. She said she wanted a few weeks to clear her head and maybe see a therapist. She felt we needed some time apart to "reflect on everything".

 

So I was thinking of breaking NC because it's been a few weeks now. It doesn't feel over to me. Feels like we have unfinished business whether it be getting back together or truly breaking up. I miss her.

 

If I did decide to break NC, what's the best way to do it? phone? email? maybe not text?

 

My ex is a sweet girl and takes everything to heart so I just can't imagine her being mean about any of this. Then again, she has managed to go 3 weeks without contacting me. That's pretty hard if you still have feelings for someone. We both said we loved each other, but now I'm thinking maybe I had stronger feelings.

 

By the way, our breakup conversation was on the phone and I don't even think it was her intent to breakup.

 

We were supposed to go on a day trip with her parents, but she didn't sense my enthusiasm. I told her I didn't want to see a particular show, but I wanted to spend the day with her. It wasn't good enough so she said she would take her sister instead of me. I reluctantly agreed. Called a day later to ask how it went and that's when I got the "I'm disappointed in you and this entire situation. She said I thought you would have called me to tell me you really wanted to go on the trip"

 

Then she started with the criticisms of me and I said I couldn't handle all the negative comments that if this was a breakup call to just do it because I can't handle the verbal abuse. In retrospect, I would have done everything differently. I feel like I pushed her into this. I should have driven over to her house after that phone call, but I wanted to collect my thoughts. The next day I was devastated at what had transpired.

 

A couple email exchanges for the next few days. One of which she saying we needed time apart and one saying she needed a few weeks to sort everything out.

 

So here we are....3 weeks later with NC. Thoughts?

[NABDP]

You might want to start your own thread to get more responses than you'll get here...

 

The keys though are this:

 

She "broke up" with you. Usually when someone needs space or pushes for the break, it's on them to contact you, not the other way around. When you chase you typically push them further away.

 

Also - She seems to be pushing and trying to GET you to pull. You want to be the one pushing a little bit here, not being the chaser. It's like she is trying to get you to beg and I hate begging. The criticisms are another thing, it really feels like a big push on her part.

 

She's been able to NC you for 3 weeks and she holds all the cards now. You are pursuing. She KNOWS you want her in your life so she has the upper hand...Maybe she needs to think that you might be OK without her, you might need a tactic switch here. NC is what I think most will recommend.

 

IF you decide to break NC...Hmmm...Probably phone, unless you are sure she won't ignore your email or text. She can ignore a phone call too but at least that's a little tougher, and you don't HAVE to leave a voice mail then (I don't recommend it). With email or text, you DO run the risk of her stonewalling you, and silence when you make contact is worse than any response at all.

 

I still say if you can, give her 3 more weeks of NC and see if she cracks.

[northstar1]

Stay Strong brother. Her weak ass fishing attempt was pretty lame and glad you resisted biting at it.

 

NC is hard as hell at times, particularly when you feel the past slipping away, or you feel you have unresolved things to say.

 

Having broken NC in the past, I can totally assure you that breaking it ulimately a very regressive thing to do. I did it, and all it did, when she showed she didnt' care, was regress me back to the early days.

 

I've wanted to break it with my ex, we've been history for over 2 months, and only spoken once in that time. I am nearly 100% certain I will never hear from her again unless we run into each other by accident. That is her MO. She shifts all blame to her ex, puts them in the bin and never looks back and never learns. I can guarantee one day it will come back to bite her in the ass, when she is older, lonely, and the male attention begins to dry up and she's left wondering why she's had years of short term flings. She lives in a bubble of her own creation.

 

Don't pursue your ex, as NABDP says. Walk the other way.

 

If an ex truly truly realizes they made a mistake and wants to do anything to get you back (and not just contact you for ego validation), they will make it very clear. They will pursue you, show up at your house, and show true contrition, remorse and a genuine desire to do what it takes to get you back in their life. At that point ONLY do you consider if you want to take that 2nd chance, because in reality - Most reconcilliations will not take.

 

Keep your pride and strength intact and you will come out on the other side a much stronger better person.

[AlwaysConflicted]

I guess it just seems immature to do nothing. She might be waiting for me to make the first move and I might be waiting for her to make the first move. Nothing will happen because we're both waiting.

 

It seems like you need to break NC to create action. Otherwise, you'll do nothing and eventually just meet someone else.

 

I hate these love/power games.

[NABDP]

I know exactly where you are at, man -- NC is not a game though. It's to stop letting them hurt you basically. Northstar makes some good points. But we can't make you do anything. We can only tell you that in the past, we have both broken NC and reached out and looked back feeling like tools for doing it.

 

Always - I think your girl already knows you care, so I'm not sure what reaching out again will do to change that. It just makes you look desperate and pushes her away more (usually). If you really, really think you can take it no matter what happens, make your one last move and then be done with it if she doesn't respond or responds poorly. At least you'll have an answer.

 

I'd still strongly recommend to just stay in NC or even move on a bit, hang with friends, have fun, and wait to see if she reaches out.

[northstar1]

Always

 

She knows you care and love her.

It is very easy to adopt the idea of "It's better to do something than nothing".

 

My ex knows I love her and had wanted to continue to work on things. Despite all of that, she still chose to walk and keep walking.

 

There is no reason for me to break NC. It is fools gold to think that breaking NC will bring back an ex. It won't. It's not a power game. It's taking control of your own happiness and pride and not let someone else dictate that.

 

Breaking NC and trying to convince someone to come back to you, well, that is the game and very few win at it.

 

All we can do if give you our experience. The choice is yours, but in the majority of cases, nearly all, breaking it will come back to harm you.

 

Sometimes you need to learn the hard way to finally let go.

[AlwaysConflicted]

I appreciate all of the advice and respect you both very much. You've obviously been through similar situations so it's nice to know I'm not alone.

 

Let me ask you this.

 

Let's say I remain in NC and she never contacts me again. What have I accomplished in terms of trying to win back my ex?

 

I will forever look back on this situation with wonder and possibly regret?

 

She said "she wanted a few weeks to sort things out in her head." She didn't say "I don't love you, we're done forever".

 

That doesn't seem like a closed door to me. Am I missing something between the lines?

[NABDP]

Hmmm, that's a tough one. But think of it this way - Who was it that wanted time and space. Her, right? So it's now up to HER to come back. She basically orchestrated the split. Were this YOU who wanted to split, I'd totally tell you to contact her and tell her you were ready to get back together.

 

If she wants you back, she will let YOU know -- Even if she thought you might be slipping away, in fact, ESPECIALLY if she did, and she wanted you back, she'd get in touch with you. And I think she might if you are patient. But even if she doesn't, it won't be because you didn't contact her -- It would be because she decided she wanted out of the relationship.

 

As much as that blows to hear, I realize, it's the whole adage of letting something go if you love it, and if it doesn't come back it was never yours...Which I hate...But happens to be true. I had to think, if my ex didn't come back after NC started, and starting seeing other guys and living her new life, why would I ever have wanted to dedicate my time, love, life, money, whatever else to her, if she could drop me THAT easily? It makes it easier to detach.

 

I want a girl in my life who would do anything for me and who loves me through the ups and downs, not one who can cut and run so easily...She is not deserving of my love. Yes I can still love her from afar or in my heart, but no reason to give her the benefit of chasing her, begging her, giving her the ego stroke of being pursued and pushing me away...If she doesn't love me enough to want to be with ME.

 

NC is really more about standing up for yourself and your pride than trying to get them back.

[AlwaysConflicted]

You're right, that's good advice.

 

Her birthday is next week... That will be hard for me to ignore.