Ex GF Texted/Broke NC, What Next?

[NABDP]

I ignored hers, and it was ok. That was around day 20 of NC for me so close to the same. It will be ok if you find something else to do that day. The nice thing is that mine is coming up in a week and I now have zero expectations to hear from her either. Kinda nice that way.

 

If you don't stick your neck out and contact, the positive benefit is that you have nothing to expect in return.

[northstar1]

You're right, that's good advice.

 

Her birthday is next week... That will be hard for me to ignore.

 

My ex's bday was recently, and I ignored it.

 

By breaking up with you, they also lose any access to your affections, companionship and wishes. That's part of the termination process.

 

Why send them greetings? They have friends and family to do that.

 

I once sent a prior ex a big old birthday email 6 months after we'd broken up. The result? A week later I get a "Thanks it was fun".

[northstar1]

I want a girl in my life who would do anything for me and who loves me through the ups and downs, not one who can cut and run so easily...She is not deserving of my love. Yes I can still love her from afar or in my heart, but no reason to give her the benefit of chasing her, begging her, giving her the ego stroke of being pursued and pushing me away...If she doesn't love me enough to want to be with ME.

.

 

This is it exactly for me. I loved my ex, but ultimately she wasn't there in both the good and bad times. She became insecure and basically blamed me for all that went wrong and then detached from me. That isn't someone that I want beside me over the years who realizes that relationships aren't always sunshine and butterflies.

[NABDP]

More great points here.

 

And if I can do some mind reading I would say you are sending the birthday greeting more as an excuse/hope to open communication channels, not just to wish a happy birthday. I know that's what I would have hoped. Likely it would be similar to what Northstar got up there which is a rough one. Long email with a 4 word response a week later. That's COLD. So yeah, no reason they deserve any sort of kindness really, especially an out of the blue thing like that. Let their friends, family, or new boyfriend take care of all that. You know she will think of you on her birthday anyway, especially her first one without you so soon after splitting. Leave it at that.

 

This is it exactly for me. I loved my ex, but ultimately she wasn't there in both the good and bad times. She became insecure and basically blamed me for all that went wrong and then detached from me. That isn't someone that I want beside me over the years who realizes that relationships aren't always sunshine and butterflies.

 

It mostly comes down to a maturity thing, yep -- Relationships are work and take communication and also dealing with bad times as well as good. I've found a lot of the dumpees, especially the ones who cut and run suddenly, were unable to communicate properly and also unable to deal with anything but perfection...They don't really make good partners in life because you'll always have that uncertainty regarding their commitment ability. I was certainly not happy every day of my 4 years with my ex, in fact I had some days where I might have even mulled a breakup myself, but ultimately I worked through the bad to make it better and make it work, THAT is what being dedicated to a person and a relationship truly is. Accepting the good and the bad and working together to build a life together, THAT is the picture of a healthy relationship there.

 

Unfortunately, I've had a talent for picking the wrong type of girl is all. And that's ok. I will find the right one, or maybe not, you need water, food, oxygen to live, you don't need a girl/boyfriend. It's a welcome component to life but never a necessity.

[AlwaysConflicted]

I was certainly not happy every day of my 4 years with my ex, in fact I had some days where I might have even mulled a breakup myself, but ultimately I worked through the bad to make it better and make it work, THAT is what being dedicated to a person and a relationship truly is.

That is so true. I feel that exact same way, but it may be a rare quality. My parents have been together in love for over 40 years and I asked them recently how they did it? My mom and dad responded with "Your love grows stronger through the rough times and feels better through the great times". I remember growing up they would argue, get into heated battles but ultimately cool off. I even remember my father getting so angry that he got in his car to go for a drive. Only to come back 15 minutes later with a calm head and said "Honey, I love you".

 

I expect these women I date to be the same way. Relationships aren't always sunshine. They take WORK, but it makes the bond stronger. My ex-girlfriend ran away because she was under the impression that every moment should be fun and exciting. She accused me of not being enthusiastic about attending "her" events (i.e. friends b-day parties and such) I explained that while I may not enjoy the activity as much as her, I loved spending time with her and that made it worth it. She believed I needed to be enthusiastic about "the event".

 

You're both right though. Do I want to spend a lifetime with someone who will abandon me in the hard times? What if I get ill? Will she divorce me because I can't go hiking everyday?

 

I'll be honest, there were moments when I thought of breaking up too. But just like you, I DIDN'T. Why? Because I was raised to communicate and work through issues. My parents are deeply in love after 40 years (still snuggle on the couch etc.) I just think my ex-girlfriend doesn't comprehend what a real relationship is. It's not just taking a fun trip to Hawaii. It's helping your boyfriend when freaks out about losing his job. The good and the bad.

 

The worst part about it is that even though I see all these flaws I still want her back. I see her potential as being amazing. I suppose a lot of it is insecurity. I'm 30...hair starting thin, not as tall as I'd like to be, not as attractive as I once was, my career is a little shakey at the moment. I'm concerned that as I get older it's harder to find a woman that will want me. I'm no longer that cute guy from college, I'm a 30 year old man with signs of age. I'm scared.

Edited June 10, 2010 by AlwaysConflicted

[northstar1]

More great points here.

 

 

It mostly comes down to a maturity thing, yep -- Relationships are work and take communication and also dealing with bad times as well as good. I've found a lot of the dumpees, especially the ones who cut and run suddenly, were unable to communicate properly and also unable to deal with anything but perfection...They don't really make good partners in life because you'll always have that uncertainty regarding their commitment ability. I was certainly not happy every day of my 4 years with my ex, in fact I had some days where I might have even mulled a breakup myself, but ultimately I worked through the bad to make it better and make it work, THAT is what being dedicated to a person and a relationship truly is. Accepting the good and the bad and working together to build a life together, THAT is the picture of a healthy relationship there.

 

.

 

It is exactly a maturity thing. My ex is a good 10 years emotionally younger than she is chronologically. I have no idea where she got her idea that relationships shouldn't take work at times, or that people (even married for years)either individually, or together, go through rough patches. It takes maturity, patience and emotionaly security to realize that you will get through it.

 

I wasn't always happy either, there were things done, or said at times that had me pondering if I wanted to continue. But I also realized that you have to look at the big picture and work through issues, rather than run the other way.

 

My ex wasn't used to that with her dating patterns. She'd date a guy totally wrong for her in every sense except they would give her attention, and shortly thereafter she'd find some issue or fault, and detach. So ingrained was this habit, than even when she found a good guy, she fell back on old patterns instinctively.

[NABDP]

I'm quoting some of this as it's a great post as I agree with so much of it and I think a lot of others who are dumpees here can relate to these feelings (I know I can).

 

That is so true. I feel that exact same way, but it may be a rare quality. My parents have been together in love for over 40 years and I asked them recently how they did it? My mom and dad responded with "Your love grows stronger through the rough times and feels better through the great times". I remember growing up they would argue, get into heated battles but ultimately cool off. I even remember my father getting so angry that he got in his car to go for a drive. Only to come back 15 minutes later with a calm head and said "Honey, I love you".

 

That's such a great picture of a good solid relationship there. Unfortunately as the divorce rate rises you hear less stories like that. I'd love to know if the figures have to do with more women having affairs or just exiting, where as it used to be the man who was usually the dumper -- Dunno if that stat is anywhere -- But I'm thinking as society has changed, and women have become either more liberated, or self-sufficient, etc, that they have been more apt to have affairs or just tire of a boring relationship than they used to. Our core values have also changed as a country as a whole, where people used to stick it out in a marriage, the cut and run mentality seems to be more pervasive every year. This also must translate to relationships as well, LTRs anyway, where partners feel like they can just start over -- I'm seeing this especially happen quite a bit lately (not just online, but those around me) where women in their late 20s and early 30s have totally clean slated and blindsided their boyfriend/husband. It's alarmingly common.

 

I can blame us, the guys, a bit as well -- After all think of all the new distractions that can take time away from being a couple. The internet. Millions of TV channels and sporting events. DVR to record it all and make you an even bigger couch potato than you already are. Easily available porn. Video games where you can be with your buddies online every night. Longer hours at the office due to a struggling economy and leaner workforces. The list goes on. It's a recipe for disaster. Inattentive (or less attentive) guys, women who have the ability to stray (or come up with an exit plan using the internet). Relationship implosion.

 

I expect these women I date to be the same way. Relationships aren't always sunshine. They take WORK, but it makes the bond stronger. My ex-girlfriend ran away because she was under the impression that every moment should be fun and exciting. She accused me of not being enthusiastic about attending "her" events (i.e. friends b-day parties and such) I explained that while I may not enjoy the activity as much as her, I loved spending time with her and that made it worth it. She believed I needed to be enthusiastic about "the event".

 

If you're any way like me, you probably felt one way and just didn't express it as well as you thought you did, to her. I am guilty of this as well and need to teach myself to do better. I feel one way and assume my girl knows the way I feel. In the example of a family event, of course you might have a long list of other stuff to do. But you do these things with her, maybe not because you WANT to be at the event, but you want to spend time with her, AND it makes her happy to spend time with you. She was assuming that you were dragging your feet the whole time probably. You were just being honest or maybe it just showed that you were less than enthusiastic. I think part of that is her maturity as well. When taking my ex to a family event, I would always tell her look, I realize this is a long day, and you'd rather sleep in, relax, whatever...But my family is important to me and I really APPRECIATE that you are coming along. I want you to be a part of my life and my family. That's the approach she needs to take with you, I think.

 

You're both right though. Do I want to spend a lifetime with someone who will abandon me in the hard times? What if I get ill? Will she divorce me because I can't go hiking everyday?

 

I actually had this thought after the breakup but even during the relationship. One day I thought to myself, if I were to ever get into a car accident, and lose my legs, or the ability to walk, would she stick around? And I actually thought there was a good chance she would NOT. For whatever reason I just had this impression, that she was with me FOR BETTER, not FOR WORSE. In health, NOT in sickness. This was all before the marriage, mind you. I didn't want to believe so I kept tabling those thoughts, but deep down somewhere, I did have that fear that my ex might not actually be there for me at the lowest times. In the end, my thoughts were justified, as it only took her fear of commitment and some staleness in the relationship (her excuses anyway, it may have just been another guy she liked more) to cut and run.

 

I'll be honest, there were moments when I thought of breaking up too. But just like you, I DIDN'T. Why? Because I was raised to communicate and work through issues. My parents are deeply in love after 40 years (still snuggle on the couch etc.) I just think my ex-girlfriend doesn't comprehend what a real relationship is. It's not just taking a fun trip to Hawaii. It's helping your boyfriend when freaks out about losing his job. The good and the bad.

 

What was her upbringing like? Were her parents like yours? My ex was abandoned by her Dad at a young age. Barely raised by her Mom. And her Mom was basically her only family. Not a very solid, traditional upbringing either. Her Mom was not a good Mom and did not teach her any values, as her Mom really has very few values of her own. This may have a lot to do with it. My parents stuck it out like yours. It gave me a good basis of what a GOOD relationship looked like. Taught me to stick it out.

 

The worst part about it is that even though I see all these flaws I still want her back. I see her potential as being amazing. I suppose a lot of it is insecurity. I'm 30...hair starting thin, not as tall as I'd like to be, not as attractive as I once was, my career is a little shakey at the moment. I'm concerned that as I get older it's harder to find a woman that will want me. I'm no longer that cute guy from college, I'm a 30 year old man with signs of age. I'm scared.

 

Probably the most painful part of this post that I and so many others can relate to. We are getting older (I'm 36). We are gaining a little weight, showing our age, thinning hair, all that -- And I hate to say it, but yep, I'd love to get my ex back too, but I'm starting to wonder, is it because I am afraid there is no one else? There will always be others but I also don't want to SETTLE. I tried dating and so far what I have found has been less than ideal for me and I simply refuse to date for dating's sake or because I am afraid of getting older and being alone.

 

I think what we need to try to do is have faith and not let our fears of the unknown or being alone get the best of us and become desperate to get back our exes who may not ever want to see us again. If they really do want to come back they will let us know and then it is OUR decision on if we even want THEM back. I have seen most stories, where the ex does come back, usually by then the dumpee has found a better person to be with (though in the beginning, like us, they were desperate and doubtful).

 

I hope we both have a great success story to tell here one day. Something tells me we will, I don't know the ending, but I think it'll be happy.

[northstar1]

It is true. Fear of the unknown often is greater than the known. I know that (and I'm in your age bracket NABDP) it does worry me about finding someone I can see myself with, and so it's natural to want to reach back for that which was familiar.

 

Basically having to start all over again is what I fear. But I also know that my ex showed her true colours, and down the road her insecurities and issues would have come up and thrown a wrench into the engine. So it is funny (not in a haha way) that I feel more comfort wanting her back, then the prospect of finding someone out there new who may be everything I am seeking.

[NABDP]

It is exactly a maturity thing. My ex is a good 10 years emotionally younger than she is chronologically. I have no idea where she got her idea that relationships shouldn't take work at times, or that people (even married for years)either individually, or together, go through rough patches. It takes maturity, patience and emotionaly security to realize that you will get through it.

 

I wasn't always happy either, there were things done, or said at times that had me pondering if I wanted to continue. But I also realized that you have to look at the big picture and work through issues, rather than run the other way.

 

My ex wasn't used to that with her dating patterns. She'd date a guy totally wrong for her in every sense except they would give her attention, and shortly thereafter she'd find some issue or fault, and detach. So ingrained was this habit, than even when she found a good guy, she fell back on old patterns instinctively.

 

Indeed. I agree with you on the maturity level. My ex is 29 going on 17. In many, many ways. I think the biggest regret I have is thinking that she would grow up FOR ME, and seeing that she never did -- But also that leads to a fear that she WILL grow up for someone else and, in that regard, she could be a really wonderful partner in life. We did share a lot of values, interests, and attraction. But mentally we were just not meshing up.

 

I guess sometimes, they never mature. And sometimes they do. But unfortunately for whatever reason fate had in store for us, they were not destined to mature while with us.

 

The dating pattern is common amongst immature girls, I think, especially those attractive enough (like my ex) to easily land a new guy. They don't have to feel alone, unloved, uncared for, even for a day if they don't want to. They don't get to grow from the pain of loss, emptiness, fear of the future. They make a lateral move. Then it fails again, the same patterns they know from before, same instincts kick in, and suddenly they're starting over. Having learned NOTHING.

 

They CAN break the cycle but it often requires counseling or a really long hard look at yourself which is difficult to do when you've lived your life one way for so long. My ex used to brag about having to "do less" (meaning no cooking, cleaning, bill paying, etc) because she was good looking, and that her looks allowed her to get away with a lot more than other girls could. She was right. She was able to get away with it with me and I shouldn't have allowed it.

 

Here's the lesson though -- I'd have gotten more respect if I showed her the door a lot sooner for her behavior, instead of letting her get away with it. The longer you put up with it, the more they lose respect for you, and then eventually just leave. So ironically, the fear of losing her by kicking her to the curb is actually what MAKES you lose them sometimes.

 

Funny how that works. I hate looking back on what a doormat I was.

[AlwaysConflicted]

My ex actually came from a similar up bringing as me. Her parents are still together after 30 or so years. Except she was super sheltered and fairly religious.

 

My ex is 30 years old but her emotional age is much younger. She's very pretty so I have no doubt there was a line of men waiting to date her the day we broke up.

 

Maybe I'm delusional, but I think I need some additional closure before I can move on. Like an official "we're not getting back together" or "I don't love you" or "I hate your guts, drop dead". Her response of "I need a few weeks to sort things out, I think we both need some time apart to reflect" just makes me feel like I'm in limbo.

 

I initially wanted to reach out to her before her birthday next week to see if she responded with anything significant. I agree that nothing good will come of birthday contact. Maybe nothing good will come from any contact. Everyone on this forum says not to do it. It's hard to argue with everyone. Imagine if it worked though...It could inspirational? hah...another delusion of mine.

[NABDP]

AC - I know where you are, man, believe me. We are all strangers here, we just know the pattern since every time WE have tried contact it's come back to bite us and hurt us. Does it mean it will happen to you? Not definitely. But likely it will be a negative result. Just looking at past results.

 

That being said, it's not a definite. There IS a chance that it will get her attention and help. But a slim one. If you decide to contact, brace yourself that what happens next might NOT be what you want to hear. That's all I can advise if you decide to do it.

 

Many of us have done it and every time I read about it, it always winds up being a bad idea.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Yeah I understand, it's more likely than not to produce a negative result. I've done it with ex girlfriends, but this feels a little different because it didn't feel like a break up. It felt like things just got super intense and we both needed a time-out to get our lives back together.

 

The thing I'm not prepared for, at least emotionally is that I will try to contact her and receive nothing back. I highly doubt it will happen, because she's a sweet person and it will hurt her to be that rude.

 

I just don't know what the right communication approach is. I could call her but she probably won't pick up. I can text her, but I'll get a 4 word response. I can email, and she'll respond with more info, but she won't hear my charming voice. It's a crap shoot really. Psychologically, I want her to remember my voice, but leaving a voicemail message seems dreadful and desperate.

[NABDP]

Tough man, tough.

 

My ex also felt so guilty about the breakup and all that she would never NOT respond. I never got the dreaded silence...However, what I got back was almost even WORSE, considering she was pleasant, but distant (as you see early in my thread here) and even took an opportunity to hint about how great her life was WITHOUT me and with another guy. See what I mean? Hurts even MORE than silence.

 

You almost want the silence, or for hatred to get spewed back. Pleasant indifference is almost even worse.

 

There's so much that can go wrong, and so little that can go right, even if you get a reply. So it's really a tough spot to be in.

[AlwaysConflicted]

You're right, I didn't take that into account.

 

But I look it at like this:

 

If she responds that her life is awesome without me, then its my closure and I'll never contact her again.

 

If she responds with some insignificant statement like "I'm doing okay, thanks for asking" I'll respond with great, care to grab a cup of coffee?

 

If she doesn't respond at all, I'll probably freak out a bit but it's an answer in itself.

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve so I can't just never talk to her again. There needs to be at least 1 more conversation for my sake. 1 Final Show Down.

 

The bigger question is: Could I have a shot at winning her back and will this contact ruin it? Like I said we've been NC for 1 month now so I think it's long enough to have some idea of what you want.

Edited June 10, 2010 by AlwaysConflicted

[NABDP]

The answer to your big question unfortunately is: MAYBE.

 

Here's why -- In the rare cases an ex girlfriend who was the dumper came back, I believe it's normally been when they have been NC'ed and not pursued. Pursuit usually has a negative effect. However, your pursuit here is subtle. If you notice I did something similar early in this thread.

 

My ex wrote she missed me. I got excited. Wrote her back, and basically tried to see if she wanted to meet up sometime and "catch up" (even more generic than your coffee). I thought, well gosh, she says she MISSES me, that means she MUST want to see me, right?

 

And you see what happened - I basically got a "no thanks! miss you but no thanks!" I mean imagine if you get that and how you will feel. It's almost worse to hear they are doing well without you and don't want to see you, than to hear nothing at all.

 

Hence why NC works so well. You are without words letting them know YOU are doing well without them. EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT. That's the key. You don't have to be loving life every day 3 weeks after a breakup, 3 weeks into NC. But by giving pursuit you are allowing them to feel free to live their life without you knowing they can come back to your open door policy anytime they want.

 

If you do it, all I gotta say is, you can have a glimmer of hope for the best, but please prepare yourself for the worst, too. Or even worse than something bad, just indifference.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Wow. She writes that she misses you and then doesn't want to meet up? That's beyond frustrating. Sorry, that must have been heart breaking. I feel that pain.

 

Someone posted this in a different thread and I laughed my butt off. It's from the film Swingers. The scene is classic, but sums up what we're talking about quite nicely.

 

- Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her? - You don't call.

- You said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her. - Right.

- So I don't call either way. - Right.

- So what's the difference? - There is no difference right now.

See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up...

is if you take her back when she wants to come back.

But you can't do anything to make her want to come back.

In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her.

- Right. - Well, that sucks.

Yeah, it sucks.

So it's like a retroactive decision then? I mean, I could, like, forget about her.

And then when she comes back, make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Right, although probably more likely the opposite.

What do you mean?

I mean, at first you're gonna pretend to forget about her.

Not call her, I don't know, whatever.

But then, eventually, you really will forget about her.

- Well, unless she comes back first. - Mm, see, that's the thing.

Somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

- There's the rub. - There's the rub.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Oh well, thanks for the advice. I read your entire thread and I can't express my sympathy more. We seem to be very similar in our thought process. Thanks for the wise words. I'm sure you'll hear from me again. Even I'm not sure what my plan is.

Edited June 10, 2010 by AlwaysConflicted

[NABDP]

The Swingers scene you quote is a classic. If you can, go watch it on Youtube. It can give you strength in NC.

 

Knowing where you are mentally now, I know you are going to do whatever you decide no matter what...There is nothing we can or can't tell you to do.

 

Whatever your decision, I do wish you the best. And thank you for the sympathies on my situation, but I am doing pretty ok, around 2.5 months post-breakup and 2 since we physically saw each other or spoke, so it does slowly get easier. At this point despite still missing her I actually start fearing her making contact because it's almost always a setback, not a step forward.

 

Good luck.

[northstar1]

Oh well, thanks for the advice. I read your entire thread and I can't express my sympathy more. We seem to be very similar in our thought process. Thanks for the wise words. I'm sure you'll hear from me again. Even I'm not sure what my plan is.

 

Good luck to you always. At least you are going into this knowing the possible outcome. I had tried, with my ex, intially, to sit down and discuss why things had gone off the rails, our mutual contributions to that, and why things could have been different if we had been willing to stick it out. But she was having none of it, she'd made up her mind and was a very cool, detached person.

 

Just be prepared for her to be unresponsive or detached and how you will react to that yourself.

 

One thing to also think about, and it took me a while to get it, is that even if you do get back together, how will the dynamic have changed so that it will work? Will she be willing to recognize her own insecurities/issues that contributed to the break? Will both of you be able to start with a clean slate? How will she react again if you get into a rut, or things are not always exciting and you aren't showering her with affection? If not, then the same old habits will resurface.

 

Good luck and keep us posted on what happens

[NABDP]

Northstar is right...It's that calm, cool detachment that really sticks in the knife and twists it. Seeing someone you loved more than anything treat you like nothing more than a business associate is a tough one. And it happens a lot when they decide to leave the relationship.

 

I think in a lot of our cases, we weren't bad guys to them or anything...They just got bored, restless, GIGS, whatever, and thus it's more them than it was us, and they don't want to hurt us, they just don't love us that way anymore, and thus you get that sort of detachment. It's not anger, or even sadness, just more an aloofness -- They want distance. They don't want to fight, or even discuss, just to disappear.

 

The great point here also is moving on once you know the issues. And whether they admit it or not, there were issues on both sides. You might be willing to work on your faults...Will she? That's part of it. Also, like North says, as much as some girls want to think that a relationship has to be a non stop exciting party of fun day in, day out, some days they are just routine, and that's LIFE...And until they realize that, they'll never be in a loving stable relationship.

 

I've seen stories of failed reconciliations for that very reason, couples reunite, the honeymoon phase kicks in, they are together non stop, activities non stop, then in a few months, it's inevitably time for routine again (not a bad thing, this is life) and suddenly the dumper is out the door again -- Just craving that constant excitement of a new relationship all the time. Like an addiction. In the case of an ex like that, it's unfortunately just better to find a new partner who understands the dynamic of a real, lasting relationship.

[northstar1]

Northstar is right...It's that calm, cool detachment that really sticks in the knife and twists it. Seeing someone you loved more than anything treat you like nothing more than a business associate is a tough one. And it happens a lot when they decide to leave the relationship.

 

I think in a lot of our cases, we weren't bad guys to them or anything...They just got bored, restless, GIGS, whatever, and thus it's more them than it was us, and they don't want to hurt us, they just don't love us that way anymore, and thus you get that sort of detachment. It's not anger, or even sadness, just more an aloofness -- They want distance. They don't want to fight, or even discuss, just to disappear.

 

The great point here also is moving on once you know the issues. And whether they admit it or not, there were issues on both sides. You might be willing to work on your faults...Will she? That's part of it. Also, like North says, as much as some girls want to think that a relationship has to be a non stop exciting party of fun day in, day out, some days they are just routine, and that's LIFE...And until they realize that, they'll never be in a loving stable relationship.

 

I've seen stories of failed reconciliations for that very reason, couples reunite, the honeymoon phase kicks in, they are together non stop, activities non stop, then in a few months, it's inevitably time for routine again (not a bad thing, this is life) and suddenly the dumper is out the door again -- Just craving that constant excitement of a new relationship all the time. Like an addiction. In the case of an ex like that, it's unfortunately just better to find a new partner who understands the dynamic of a real, lasting relationship.

 

As hard as it was the first month or so, I can now with that distance see that unless some serious self reflection and attempt to change had happened within my ex, it would not have lasted. As I'm sure you can both relate, I made my mistakes, things I did or didn't do. I got complacent at times; the relationship went through a period of staleness (which most do at some point) and it became routine. But I also had the understanding that things do ebb and flow and that it takes both people to contribute and work through things. I acknowledged my side of things and was working on righting the ship. My ex was not. I think she felt the 'excitement' was gone, and that relationships should always been easy. That if there are any problems, well, the relationship is doomed and time to pack it up.

 

As you said in an earlier post, we have learned from our breakup, taken the time to process what worked and didn't, and what we need to do in our next relationship to make it even better. Our ex's have not. They need and can get the attention and validation to boost their self esteem. They won't learn anything at all. It will be rinse and repeat. They will ultimately soak up the attention, then after the honeymoon phase ends, and the guy doesn't do something they expect, the same pattern will emerge.

 

Take solace in that. It may take us time to find someone we can really connect with and find a relationship with, but it will be worth it because we will be in a good place. Our ex's more than likely will just keep doing the same thing, never taking any accountability, or realizing they also need to change, until one day they will be stuck wondering why they've had such 'bad' luck dating as they age. And let's not forget, looks to begin to fade and that is when you need everything else that a healthy relationship provides. The quick fix for them only lasts for so long

[NABDP]

Yeah, it's still tough for me around 2.5 months out but I guess it's getting better. I think part of it is just the impatience I have in wanting to replace what I had...Getting a little older makes it harder to find single women that meet the criteria I like, but I also don't want to settle - So I think part of what makes it difficult (and also weakened me when she contacted a couple weeks back) was just the defeatist attitude of - "I'm just going to end up alone now". I don't want to settle, so I either have to just be patient, or be content being single, and that's that. It's not a reason to take an abusive ex back unless they do a total 180. Rare, that is.

 

But I get what you're saying for sure -- It's not like if she walked through the front door tomorrow everything would just be better. Sure, you get that initial excitement back again but it doesn't solve the underlying issues that led to the break to begin with. I love what you say about it getting routine -- Yes, relationships do that. And it's not non stop excitement, sometimes, it's even weeks of routine. You get busy. Work, chores, being tired, whatever it is...I don't get these girls/guys that bolt just because things get a little settled. That's what happens. The ironic thing with my ex was that all she had to do was ask to do anything and I would almost always (maybe even ALWAYS) comply...If she wanted to go out to eat, go see friends, go away for the weekend, go shopping, I never said no. But in the end, she wanted ME to be the event planner...When I stopped, and was content to just chill out and "do less", she wanted excitement and bolted. Shame. Packed right up as you say.

 

All that said, if we'd have talked it over, and she expressed concern that things were stale, I'd have done as much as possible to right the ship. But we don't get afforded the chance.

 

It's a great learning experience though, and I'll remember that moving ahead. Our ex's who moved into a rebound have put a bandaid on a much larger issue. One day, they might learn, one day, maybe not...More than likely, they're in for an even rougher ride than we are. It's just this "in between" period after losing a LTR and not finding a new person that is a little hard sometimes...But it's also a very reflective time and a fantastic learning period for US.

[AlwaysConflicted]

The three of us are on the same page. I haven't contacted my ex yet. I'm still thinking about options, variables, things of that nature. Ultimately I know the best course of action is to not contact her. She asked for a few weeks of space and I've given it to her.

 

You're right about the psychology of women who dump men. By the time they dump us, they're generally over us emotionally. Sure they miss us and maybe even have some semblance of love, but they're done. That's why we can't win them back even with logic and reasoning. They don't want to understand why it failed, they just know it didn't feel happy, fun, or comfortable for them.

 

My ex is a sweet girl, but I doubt I'll be able to convince her into a reconciliation. She'd have to come to that decision on her own.

 

I think most guys believe that the girl dumper might be wavering in her decision. The truth is, I think most of us missed the wavering signs while we were IN the relationship. For example: My ex ultimately broke up with me because I didn't show enough enthusiasm about activities she planned for us even though I told her I loved spending time with her and not necessarily going to the activity. BAM! The sign is right there in front of my face and I missed it. The sign was my lack of enthusiasm. I needed to show more enthusiasm for these events and that obviously meant a lot to her.

 

The point is that I thought it didn't matter because I always told her that I loved spending time with her regardless of my lack of excitement towards her activity. And by the way, I went to most of these activities and ended up having a good time at each one. Her complaint was mainly that she felt like she was forcing me to go. Untrue, but okay.

 

Just a miscommunication or different view of the situation. I thought me verbally telling her I loved spending time with her was enough, but she needed to see more action.

 

Now I'm not taking full blame for this at all. And I'm not sticking up my ex. I guess what I'm trying to say is men and women think differently and it takes 2 mature people to understand that for a relationship to withstand any decent amount of time.

 

And yet somehow I'm still thinking about how to contact my ex. Maybe a nice email, definitely not a text. Perhaps a phone call, but she probably wouldn't pick up and what could I possibly say in a voice message to a girl I haven't seen or spoken to in a month? I keep arriving at the same conclusion. There's nothing to say at all. I can't explain some mathematical love formula and have her say "makes sense let's give it another go".

 

I would wager most of my money that like North said, she's gone, distant, cold. She most likely feels that this relationship is dead and is on to the next one or at least thinking about the next one. Whereas, I'm strategizing on whether to send an email because I have hope, maybe false hope, but hope nonetheless.

 

So after all this typing here's my conclusion. It doesn't matter if I email her or or ignore her for eternity. The result is exactly the same. I don't get the girl back.

[ADF]

Ignore her. As the dumper, she has certain responsibilities. Like letting you get over being dumped. Like not giving you false hope of a reconciliation. Like not screwing with your mind.

 

Like anyone following a split, your ex is probably conflicted. There are moments when she misses you terribly, and moments when she doesn't. But she shouldn't make that your problem.

[NABDP]

ADF - Good answer - The important thing here is that the dumper has the responsibility to let you get over them screwing you over. Simple as that. No games. So don't let them mess with you further. I don't think her "I miss you" came out of nowhere, but the key to remember (all dumpees need to remember) is that these little breadcrumbs are worthless when they're still enjoying their new life and just using you as a crutch.