Can't decide between single and commitment

[LoveLace]

As much as I say I want love I'm starting to wonder if that's true. I'm confused about where I belong, per say. It appears my taste in men is off 1st of all, like I'm out of my league because the kind of men I want (nice dressers with good jobs and great personalities) only seem to want what's considered above me physically. I'm cute but they don't want cute. They want drop dead gorgeous. The guys want me, at least in a serious way, are rarely good-looking or interesting to me.

 

But there's also this...I met a guy while out with friends one night, and we agreed on a date, the next thing I know he's talking about stuff we'll be doing together, he gets real handsy and he's telling his buddies that I'm the new girl he's dating - all within a half hour of meeting him. He was cute enough and responsible and all that...but it was too clingy for me and perhaps moving too fast. Over the next few days he had pretty high expectations of my availability and I felt way too smothered about that. Not to mention, I kept thinking of how hot his buddies were when I met them.

 

I also hang out with a group of friends of which there is a cute single guy they'd like to see me hook up with. He is also cute and responsible and a good personality...but I can't get past the fact that he's not as masculine as I like my men to be...it almost feels like hanging out with a gay friend. So I don't know if I could bring myself to be physically intimate with him...although I like his company.

 

So, now I question weather or not I even have the ability to pick just ONE and stick to just one. Obviously, I keep coming up with reasons why I could do better, or reasons to disregard an opportunity to be with a guy who seems perfectly decent in someone elses eyes. I NEVER feel like hey, me and this guy really "match". I'm convinced of 1 of 2 things: There IS no match for me. OR, I just don't really want to commit, to anyone.

 

I've been without LTR for 13 years. 13 YEARS. All "relationships" since have been very short lived and all rebound situations on the guy's part, so not only short but pretty much a lie. I am SO adapted to having NO obligations to anyone; to having my own time, anytime I want it. It's only select times that I wish I had someone...like XMAS, when I'm horny, or when I'm sad, or when I'm very, very bored. Aside from that, I don't know if I want the same person in my face or calling on me ALL the time...for a LONG time.

 

But then...I feel very lonely and jealous when couples are around me, when all my friends are raising their families and going on family trips and baseball games, etc, when women are showing off their engagement rings...and I can't seem to get past 2 dates or any kind of promising situation.

 

So I'm confused. Which is it I really flippin want? I mean, a commitment would be a HUGE adjustment for me, kind of like a person whos been married and suddenly single after 20 years...a whole new world to learn...and it's rare that they want it that way. When your comfortable, it's hard to change no matter how unhappy you might feel sometimes. UGH I'm so frustrated and confused...help...

[Eeyore79]

The guys want me, at least in a serious way, are rarely good-looking or interesting to me.

How do you know this? Do the attractive guys turn you down, or just not approach you? I'll tell you something - some of the more attractive guys are egotistical enough to realise that they don't have to approach women, they can just wait for women to approach them. They have so many options that they often don't make an effort for just one specific girl. A slightly less handsome guy often makes a bigger effort for a girl. If you want the hot guys, be prepared to approach them and fawn all over them.

 

But there's also this...I met a guy while out with friends one night, and we agreed on a date, the next thing I know he's talking about stuff we'll be doing together

Ok, so he was a bit over enthusiastic and clingy - if that's not your thing, fair enough.

 

Not to mention, I kept thinking of how hot his buddies were when I met them.

So he wasn't so hot but his buddies were? If he wasn't so hot, why did you even agree to a date? It's never great to feel like you ended up with the booby prize, the most undesirable guy in the group - if he didn't spark your interest then you shouldn't have shown any interest in him.

 

I also hang out with a group of friends of which there is a cute single guy they'd like to see me hook up with. He is also cute and responsible and a good personality...but I can't get past the fact that he's not as masculine as I like my men to be.

If you're not attracted to him, don't waste his time and yours. Why would you even consider dating a guy you're not attracted to - are you that desperate?

 

Obviously, I keep coming up with reasons why I could do better, or reasons to disregard an opportunity to be with a guy who seems perfectly decent in someone elses eyes.

Decent in someone else's eyes, not in your eyes! The fact that a guy is decent in someone else's eyes is completely irrelevant; you have to be attracted to him, otherwise what's the point?

 

I am SO adapted to having NO obligations to anyone; to having my own time, anytime I want it.

Yes, after a while you get used to being on your own, and it's difficult to adapt to being with someone. But if you really want that person, you won't feel like they're "in your face", you'll actually want them around. I also tend to feel that being alone is a better option than being with some pain in the ass guy, but being with a wonderful guy is so much better than being alone!

 

It seems like your problem is that you're not attracted to the available guys, which makes relationships seem unappealing, because you don't really want to be with any of those people. If you found someone who you actually wanted to be with, you'd probably feel a lot more positive about spending time together. I can relate, because I'm usually not attracted to the majority of available guys, even though other people think they're perfectly nice. But it's my opinion that counts, not someone else's! My current bf is funny, intelligent, sexy... I don't understand why he doesn't have women lining up for him, or why my friend described him as a "fat geek". I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder... his slight weight problem and geeky nature just endear him to me more At the end of the day, I'm an adult who is capable of deciding for myself what I find attractive - someone else's opinion (whether positive or negative) is irrelevant.

[LoveLace]

So he wasn't so hot but his buddies were? If he wasn't so hot, why did you even agree to a date? It's never great to feel like you ended up with the booby prize, the most undesirable guy in the group - if he didn't spark your interested then you shouldn't have shown any interest.

 

 

At 1st I DID think he was cute and a lucky hit. Then he started to be very touchy feely and very goo-goo eyed and it was overwhelming being right after I met him. THEN I meet some of his buddies later, and while he's rubbing his hands all over my hair and my back and such, I'm not enjoying it because I'm thinking of how hot his friends are...not that he was too much less cute, it just made me think, okay I'm clearly not ready to attach to this guy if I'm looking at other dudes, and he's attaching very quickly. So I WAS interested at 1st, it just took a couple hours when certain things made me realize he was not for me, even if he is cute and probably even the ideal boyfriend. I mean it was like he couldn't stop touching me, and I'm not comfortable with that unless I've been out with a guy at least twice or so...not until it's agreed that we are very into each other, and all I agreed on here was a date...I didn't know that he'd treat it like a possession in full swing an hour into it...

 

But you are probably right, if it's someone you are really into, you likely don't think of it as being a burden or interference on your time...duh.

 

And I'm not considering dating the friend of a friend. The mutual friend is just always hoping that I hook up with him. But I AM considering that maybe I'm being too picky about my reasons for not wanting to pursue him...it just seems silly to pass on a cute, smart, very nice guy, just because he's not this manly man that I usually go for. Anyway, just saying I don't mind when he's around and you never know if my feelings about it change. But I'm careful not to lead him on...he's part of the social circle so I just treat him as such..

[Eeyore79]

It doesn't seem crazy to pass on a guy because you don't find him attractive! If he's not the type you usually go for but you're still attracted to him, then by all means consider dating him. But if you're not attracted to him (which is what it sounds like) then don't waste his time and yours. Yeah, he might be a nice guy, but nice isn't enough - it's a complete waste of time if you're not attracted to him.

 

I tend to find that if I'm really into someone I love their attention, I love them being all over me - it's only annoying if I'm not really into them. Maybe you weren't much into this guy after only knowing him for an hour, so him being clingy turned you off. You probably wouldn't have thought about how hot his friends were if you really liked him. Also if you weren't comfortable with him touching you, you should have spoken up - you're not a piece of meat, and you don't have to stand there being stroked and cuddled if you're not enjoying it!

[LoveLace]

It doesn't seem crazy to pass on a guy because you don't find him attractive! If he's not the type you usually go for but you're still attracted to him, then by all means consider dating him. But if you're not attracted to him (which is what it sounds like) then don't waste his time and yours. Yeah, he might be a nice guy, but nice isn't enough - it's a complete waste of time if you're not attracted to him.

 

I tend to find that if I'm really into someone I love their attention, I love them being all over me - it's only annoying if I'm not really into them. Maybe you weren't much into this guy after only knowing him for an hour, so him being clingy turned you off. You probably wouldn't have thought about how hot his friends were if you really liked him. Also if you weren't comfortable with him touching you, you should have spoken up - you're not a piece of meat, and you don't have to stand there being stroked and cuddled if you're not enjoying it!

 

Yeah, at first I liked the affection because I get it so seldomly,but when it felt too constant I didn't know what to do...I just didn't return the gesture...and it WAS like he was just showing me off with his friends around, like all the affection was mainly just to say "look guys I have a girlfriend!" Later that week, everytime he asked me out (at the last minute at that) I was working the night shifts at work so I couldn't go. Then he got p*ssy about that said I'm not texting you anymore! I was like OMG, please don't! LOL...I can't imagine what he'd be like if he was my boyfriend and I chose a girls night out over him...in other words I think I've dodged a pretty possessive type...it's like GEEZ, I just met you so my life isn't all about YOU and I DO have a job for cryin out loud!! Think a very small part of me wanted to give it a chance at first but of course after all that, I just wanted him out of my hair.

 

As for the mutual friend, he IS a good looking guy. He just has some mannerisms that other guys might call "wussy"-like. So it takes away that characteristic of "protection" I like to feel if I"m with a guy. So I am attracted to his appearance..but I guess it's his level of masculinity that has kept me from pursuing. I've always liked the deep-voiced, filled out type. And he is neither of those, yet still a nice-looking guy. Just not my type, I guess.

 

Many on LS can speak for me when I say this, maybe I am ONLY attracted to men who DON"T want relationships and totally turned off by someone who does. If that's the case, I don't know how I'm supposed to change that, can't change what your hormones respond to, LOL. This is why I'm starting to think I should just surrender to the single-forever club and give up on love and having kids, etc, I'm almost 34 years old I mean I'm running out of time for it all anyway..

[jenifer1972]

Don't settle, and don't overanalyze a situation where you don't feel chemistry. It's like looking for the perfect dress in the jumble sale. ehhh,...Next.....until one 'clicks'.

 

We cannot change or help who we feel chemistry with. It's either there or it isn't. Like the other poster says, she thinks her guy is super sexy, others think he is a geek. He is 'the lid for her pot'.

 

Better to be single than attached to the WRONG person.

[LoveLace]

Don't settle, and don't overanalyze a situation where you don't feel chemistry. It's like looking for the perfect dress in the jumble sale. ehhh,...Next.....until one 'clicks'.

 

We cannot change or help who we feel chemistry with. It's either there or it isn't. Like the other poster says, she thinks her guy is super sexy, others think he is a geek. He is 'the lid for her pot'.

 

Better to be single than attached to the WRONG person.

 

I know you are right, if there's really chemistry you won't question it. This friend is good looking, nice, funny and very easy to talk to, I know he'd make a very good friend and boyfriend too, but I guess because of that 1 element that keeps me distant then I shouldn't consider dating him.

[Eeyore79]

I'd say you have another 5 years before you should seriously give up on having kids. You should never give up on finding love though!

 

I don't think you're necessarily attracted to guys who don't want relationships... you're just not attracted to the specific guys who currently happen to want a relationship with you. I used to think the same about myself - guys wanted to be with me and I didn't want them - but I've since realised it was because I wasn't attracted to those specific guys. I was totally up for it when a guy I was interested in came along!

 

The problem is that I'm interested in very few guys, which means I'm not interested in a relationship with the majority of guys who like me - this made me feel like I wasn't interested in a relationship, but in fact I just wasn't interested in a relationship with them. As misfortune would have it, the guys I've previously been interested in happened not to want a relationship with me, but their lack of availability was not what I found attractive - in fact I desperately wished they were more available!

 

It's simply a question of numbers - the more I got out there and met guys, the more guys I found attractive - if I'm only interested in 1% of guys, 1% of a thousand people is more guys than 1% of a hundred people! The key for me was to know what I wanted and be prepared to quickly reject those who didn't fit and keep on looking. Internet dating is surprisingly good for finding compatible people and eliminating incompatible ones quickly! (My current bf is an internet date who was listed as a 98% match for me )

[LoveLace]

I know you are right, if there's really chemistry you won't question it. This friend is good looking, nice, funny and very easy to talk to, I know he'd make a very good friend and boyfriend too, but I guess because of that 1 element that keeps me distant then I shouldn't consider dating him. The friend I know him through thinks we'd be so "cute" together, but she is a friend and a co-worker, so I can't tell her "sorry but he's not manly enough for me"...it sounds mean. I'll just have to fess up and tell her I only like him as a friend.

 

But in general I'm just tired of running into situations like I've been talking about here, among other situations, where the simple idea of 2 people who want to be together appears totally far-fetched. It's NEVER like that for me...never mutual. I don't even understand how people just meet and go "hey we like each other sooo much that we should just be togther!"...the idea of 2 people agreeing to this and both being okay with it is a total pipe dream to me...it's never that simple in my world and I'm perplexed at how it seems so simple for so many others. In my world, no such thing as a guy that likes me as much as i like him, or vice-versa. It just doesn't happen.

[LoveLace]

Thanks Eeycore. I don't know what to think about having kids anymore...that's a whole other thread I guess..

 

I've internet dated for 10 years...1 guy kept me on a ridiculous string for 4 years but never wanted to commit. Aside from that, my luck with it has managed to only make me more disappointed in my love life...I always go back though because I have that small ounce of hope. However, most situations there end up being one disappointment after another, for various reasons...I'm exhausted with being single...at the same time it exhausts me to think of keeping up with someone else's life all the time...ugh, can't win!

[Nikki Sahagin]

I have to agree.

 

Its the compatability vs chemistry thing.

 

A guy might seem, be, look or act, perfectly, but if you don't feel it, you would not be happy and you would be settling.