christinaz Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 [color=blue][/color] I need help I have been with my boyfriend for almost two and a half years, and things have been okay. I love him with all of my heart, but just recently I have begun to have some doubts. Just this past summer, his ex stopped by to say goodbye to him before she went back to school. Well, little did she know that he and I had been living together, and I think she was a little surprised to see me come to the door. Anyway, she came in for a while, we all chatted, and then she left for school. She seemed nice, and I wasn't threatened. But then she started calling every now and then. This kinda' bothered me, but I brushed it off as nothing. Then just recently, she was on Christmas break, and back in town. She started calling again. But I thought it was once or twice, so I didn't care too much. But I took a peek at my boyfriend's phone bill, and it turns out that the whole time she was in town, they were talking on the phone nearly every day, a few times a day, while I was either at work or school. This pissed me off, and I confronted my boyfriend about it. He got really mad and told me he only talked to her once, and that he had no feelings for her. He said that he only loves me. But that's what they all say, right? And then the next week I found a mix CD she left him in his mail box with all of their old songs on it. Now tell me that isn't suspicious! He broke it in half and threw it out when I showed him, and said he didn't care what was on the CD, because he loves me. But I know she still calls him! So why would he continue to talk to her, if he loves me and not her? I know he talks to her, and he denies it, when the proof is on the phone bill!! I told him I don't appreciate him lying to me, and I am getting fed up with it, and I am sick of her trying to interefere, because she KNOWS we live together and and have been together for a long time. Do I have the right to feel threatened by her? Please help me, because I'm going nuts! I don't want to break up with him, but I can't handle him still talking to her, because I know her intentions. It's either me or her. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Well, maybe you are overreacting a little, but that is besides the point. I think you should sit him by the fireplace and discuss your fears with him. Tell him to shut up until you are finished. If he really loves you, he will tell his ex to cool it down, and not call so much, simply out of respect for you. You have to realise that you cannot just wipe away a history and a friendship. If he has to do it, then it's an obvious sacrifice that he has to make. If he does make that sacrifice, then you have a debt of honour to repay to him, and if you don't, then he's gonna start thinking what an insecure, selfish girl you are. You have to prove him wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author christinaz Posted January 27, 2004 Author Share Posted January 27, 2004 Hmmm...That's a very good suggestion. But I am also wondering why he would lie to me about talking to her. It makes me not trust him, you know? And I have tried talking to him about it, but he gets very defensive, and threatens to break up with me if I "keep up with this", but all I do is ask him nicely, and he still gets mad. It's very hard to talk to him about it, because it always turns into a yelling match, and I never get the truth out of him anyway. How can I trust him when he lies to me? Of course I'm insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 WHAT??? Wait, let me read your post again... *rubs eyes* I. Can. not. Believe. This! He actually threatened to leave you if you "kept up with this"!?!? Well, pumpkin pie, it's simple. Your boyfriend does not respect your feelings. Instead of being forthcoming, he is emotionally blackmailing you. That's shameful! He should be trying to ALLEVIATE your fears, not make them worse. One could perhaps rationalise that he is keeping this little secret, out of fear of your insecurity - but then he would not encourage it by blackmailing you. I retract my earlier statement. I am convinced you aren't overreacting. I think you should set an ultimatum: If he leaves you then his love for you is not genuine. Yes, it will hurt like hell, but in time you will see it with a wider perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 OK did you tell him you seen his phone bill.... and how did you happen to come across his phone bill.. does he know he even got his phone bill... i guess what im saying is why owuld he lie about it if he didnt know you actually have the phone bill as proof..... and if hes lying about it.... hes obviously hiding something from you, you 2 need to both be upfront about it. like if he doenst know you seen the proof with the phone bill and you havent shown him the proof tell him you haveit and show him..... now if hes lying even with the proof of the phone bill then my god you have an even bigger problem than whats happening. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author christinaz Posted January 28, 2004 Author Share Posted January 28, 2004 He knows I saw his phone bill. At first he denied her calling all the time, and then I told him I had proof. He wasn't happy I went thru his phone bill, but he said that all the times she called, he rejected each call. Really, I only saw a couple calls where they actually talked, maybe three, four, the longest no longer than 20 minutes. The rest of them were one minute each, which makes me wonder if you are charged one minute when somebody is sent to voice mail. But I don't know. I don't mind them talking every now and then, as they were together in the past, it's just that I am not comfortable with them talking everyday, when I know what her intensions are. I think he may have lied because he knows that I would get mad. But if his next phone bill shows the same, I might just have to give him an ultimatum. It's not right for exes to speak that much. They didn't speak for about two years, so why start now? Yea, I talk to my ex every now and then to see how he's doing, but come on, not every other day. I guess I'm just worried she will take him away from me. But maybe I'm just paranoid. I hope Link to post Share on other sites
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