I am madly in love with another man.

[thisgirl]

I am in a terrible state. I have been married for 6 years. My husband and I met in a whirlwind, we were married within 3 months. Of course things started to decline. After about 3-4 months of marriage he would say things that weren't very nice to me. He once pushed me against the wall, and only a few other times pushed me to the ground or into a door. Our sexual life began to decline as well. In fact he even stopped kissing me stating that it made him feel gross.

 

That said, I often found myself flirting at work. I work closely with rich and influential men. They all flirt back, I have been told that I am very attractive. Then I became friends with one man who was married and having touble in his relationship. We both kinda became one anothers support system. The problem was we have found ourselves fully in love with one another. We are in the same situation and are so compatible. We share the same dreams, goals, likes, dislikes, ect. The more we spend time together the more time we need together. He fills my life with passion and love, pure complete love. He melts when I enter a room. My smile lights up his whole day. And vice versa. when I hear him laugh my whole body is filled with love. when he looks into my eyes I can barely breathe. We talk about what our life would be like if we were together.

 

We both want to leave our spouses. Leave our unhappy worlds and be together. The thing I am afraid of is that, what if I do. What if I leave and he turns out to fade away like my current husband did. I know that if I leave my husband I need to do it for myself, I just can't stop thinking about this man. I find myself sitting next to my husband wishing it were him. When I wake up in the AM, he is the first thing on my mind. When I do anything, I think of him. I buy everything with him on my mind. When I cook I make things he would like. At work we spend every free minute together. He consumes me.

 

So here I am in this terrible state, I still care for my husband. I just don't love him like a wife should, and I blame him for neglecting me. I have talked until I was blue in the face, and nothing happened. I almost left this christmas, then he agreed to try harder to make things work. So realizing my commitment I stayed but my heart is with this other man. What to do?

[Benedict]

...your husband does.

 

Well, I won't bore you with the whole "grass is greener" lecture - although I am sure it is obvious to you that just about any situation looks better than what you have now... except maybe if he was beating you, but that sounds like it is around the corner.

 

What is true is that common adversity bonds you two pretty strongly. You find comfort and relief, and I agree that is good. Sounds like no children are involved. To me, that is a big factor. If that is true, dump the bastard. Regardless of whether you and the new guy are ultimately meant for each other, sounds like you and your husband are NOT. Bail now, while there are no kids.

[SoleMate]

I know that if I leave my husband I need to do it for myself...

Yes. There are lots of men, but only one you. Benedict is right...almost any guy would look good next to your current husband. I don't know if there is anything there to salvage, or whether you should end your marriage now. But if you do end your marriage, you will be a free woman, and the whole world will be open to you...to pick any man, or none, as you like.

 

Sound good?

[TMCM]

"We both want to leave our spouses. Leave our unhappy worlds and be together. The thing I am afraid of is that, what if I do. What if I leave and he turns out to fade away like my current husband did. I know that if I leave my husband I need to do it for myself"

 

Sounds to me like you want assurances that you won't be making a mistake if you do decide to leave your husband. You ought to know that there are no guarantees in life and that while you may hit the jackpot with this OM(other man) there is also the possibility that you may end up bitterly regretting your decision later on. Which brings me to the point that only through YOU can you ever achieve happiness and if you can't find it being you then you will never find it through another person like your H(husband) or the OM(other man). Get counseling, if not for your marriage then for yourself.

[thisgirl]

First of all, thanks so much for your reply's everyone.

 

I guess you all are on to something, that leaving my husband is something I will need to do for myself not anyone else. I know that in my head, it is just having trouble getting to my heart. I feel these incredible feelings for the OM that I am afraid if I were to leave now that it would be "for him". He is not yet divorced either, although his living conditions are far worse than mine.

 

Remember I mentioned that in December my Husband agreed to try harder, and he has to an extent. He has tried to be nicer and more affectionate, only I feel like it is too little too late. On the other hand I am riddled with guilt about loving someone else. I really don't hate my husband, I don't want him to be hurt, despite the fact that he has hurt me. I do beleive that he loves me, he just can't seem to show it. Oye Vey, can you begin to understand the confusion that surrounds me.

 

I agree, I should seek some counseling, I also think that if it were to work between my hubby and I he also needs to go, however he has refused. so is counseling worth it if I am the only one going?

[TMCM]

Don't make the assumption that if you leave your marriage that the OM will do the same. Married men that have affairs with married women are notorious for leaving them hanging dry after these women leave their husbands and children to be with them. This may or may not be the case with your OM but be forewarned if you do make the decision to leave your H.

 

As far as counseling is concerned, if you want you and your H marriage counseling while you are still deeply involved with the OM, then you may as well throw your money in the trash. It's practically impossible to heal and rebuild a marriage if one spouse is having an affair because the unfaithful spouse's resolve and committment to do his or her part of the much needed hard work is just not there. So hold off on marital counseling until you decide to end your affair and have no further contact with the OM. BUT you would be well served if you go to IC(individual counseling) to discover what personal destructive issues may be present inside of you that may be sabotaging your happiness. Remember that a healthy relationship cannot exist if one or both individuals in it are from being healthy.