My mother is severely depressed!

[EricaH329]

Now, more than ever, I need advice.

 

For the last 2 weeks or so, my mother has been very depressed. She comes home from work at about 5:30 PM, and immediately goes to sleep. She sleeps until 7 AM, when she gets up to go to work.

 

She usually tells me what's going on in her life (she likes to vent), but over the last 2 weeks she hasn't said a word to me. She has barely acknowledged my existence.

 

I have been extremely worried about her. I thought this would pass (she has a history of being emotionally unstable), but it hasn't.

 

Two nights ago, I decided to finally approach her during the 5 minutes that she was awake. The minute I walked into her room, she began crying. She told me she was very depressed (as I had assumed), and that her life was not worth living any longer. This made me extremely upset. I tried to talk to her about everything, but she wouldn't give me much information. She simply told me that she has struggled her whole life with issues that I would never understand, and she cannot take it any longer.

 

This has caused a serious emotional downfall for me. She is losing weight rapidly, and there isn't anything I can do about it. She has been seeing a therapist for quite some time now, and it's obviously not doing much for her. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do! I don't know who to go to, who to talk to, what actions I should take. She really needs help right now, and I don't know where to get it from! I can't see her like this any longer! I can't imagine the pain she must be going through, it literally breaks my heart!

 

Please... if you have any advice or opinions on this subject, i'd really really appreciate it!!!!

[EricaH329]

I'd also like to add that she had asked me to go to the pharmacy to get her cold medicine and her sleeping medicine (during the 5 minutes I had previously spoken of). I made her promise me that she wasn't taking either of them to aide her depression. I have sneaked into her room to make sure that she wasn't abusing any of her medicine (which she is unaware of), and she hasn't been. But I do know that she hides the majority of her medicine in a lock box.

 

Every single night, i'm terrified that she might not wake up.

 

Before her deep depression, she loved to make jewelry as a hobby. I remember about 3 months ago asking her for a necklace with my favorite color. Unfortunately, she never had the time to make it. Tonight, I came home from work to find my necklace made for me on the table. This makes me even more scared. I know, for a fact, that she has not been awake long enough to make that necklace for me during the last 2 weeks. I am terrified!

[Kamille]

Erica, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Now is a time when you need support too. Do you have anyone to talk to about this IRL, perhaps someone who knows both you and your mother?

 

Could you get in touch with her therapist? Maybe the therapist doesn't realize how bad things are. Alternatively, maybe you could encourage your mom to go see another therapist. While I am not a huge fan of anti-depressants and think they're over-prescribed in our society, I think this is a case where a prescription would be indicated: this is turning into a life and death situation. Is your mom taking any? If so, clearly the dose needs to be adjusted. If not, do you think she would welcome the idea.

 

My mom suffers from chronic depression and has suffered from it my whole life. I've had to go to therapy (and will need to go back to it) because growing up with a depressed parent can be extremely hard on the kids. We often end up with "codependent" traits because we feel responsible for their well-being and constantly strive to make them happy. So, Erica, make sure you make your own well-being a priority while this is going on.

 

I wish both your mom and you a lot of strength.

[EricaH329]

Erica, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Now is a time when you need support too. Do you have anyone to talk to about this IRL, perhaps someone who knows both you and your mother?

 

First, i'd like to say thank you for responding to this thread. You have no idea what it means to me that you have taken your time to give me advice on this. Thank you!!

 

I have vaguely spoken to my younger brother about this, but I don't believe he really understands the depth of this situation. He has lived away from home for the last year or so, and he knows how my mother usually is (emotionally unstable). This particular situation, though, is very different from what i've ever experienced with her.

 

I was considering contacting my aunt (her sister) about this, but they are two completely different people. She has never had to take medicine, or see a therapist for anything in her life, ever. I honestly don't believe that she would understand the severity of this situation. I can, however, still make the effort to reach out to her... with the hope that maybe she would take me seriously.

 

Could you get in touch with her therapist? Maybe the therapist doesn't realize how bad things are. Alternatively, maybe you could encourage your mom to go see another therapist. While I am not a huge fan of anti-depressants and think they're over-prescribed in our society, I think this is a case where a prescription would be indicated: this is turning into a life and death situation. Is your mom taking any? If so, clearly the dose needs to be adjusted. If not, do you think she would welcome the idea.

 

Unfortunately, I don't know her therapists name or number. Her therapist has been a good friend of hers ever since my mother has begun seeing her (which was about 20 years ago), and only contacts her through my mothers cell phone. Now that I think about it, I do know the number to one good friend of my mothers. I know that my mother is very secretive about her personal life, and nobody besides her therapist is probably aware of her issues, but I feel as though I need to reach out to someone. Even if no one else knows.

 

As far as anti-depressants go, my mother is taking the strongest possible dose. As well as many other prescribed medications. It's clearly not working, and that's an even worse fear of mine... if medication and therapy aren't working, what's left for her? I don't want her to feel this way, and I don't want her to take her life. I've been crying for days over this, and I just don't know what to do! I have to do something!!!!

 

My mom suffers from chronic depression and has suffered from it my whole life. I've had to go to therapy (and will need to go back to it) because growing up with a depressed parent can be extremely hard on the kids. We often end up with "codependent" traits because we feel responsible for their well-being and constantly strive to make them happy. So, Erica, make sure you make your own well-being a priority while this is going on.

 

I wish both your mom and you a lot of strength.

 

I am so sorry to hear about the situation with your mother. I know how you feel, and I would never wish this sort of thing on anyone. Has therapy helped you? And if so, in what way? I really appreciate any advice or opinions you can give to me.

[EricaH329]

I just wrote my Aunt an e-mail explaining everything that has been going on. I would have called her, but my mother tends to keep all of that information very private. I would have to ask her for the phone number, and since she is rarely awake, I know i'd have a hard time getting it from her.

 

I can only hope that my Aunt takes this as seriously as I am.

[anne1707]

Unfortunately, I don't know her therapists name or number. Her therapist has been a good friend of hers ever since my mother has begun seeing her (which was about 20 years ago), and only contacts her through my mothers cell phone.

 

This troubles me. Whilst there does need to be a good relationship between client and therapist, being good friends may damage the therapeutic benefits to be gained - possibly they are too close. It may be time for a new and more independent therapist.

 

Obviously that is not something you can just do on your own without your mother's knowledge. But is there a family doctor you could speak to? Or maybe someone else who you think your mother may at least listen to?

[EricaH329]

This troubles me. Whilst there does need to be a good relationship between client and therapist, being good friends may damage the therapeutic benefits to be gained - possibly they are too close. It may be time for a new and more independent therapist.

 

Obviously that is not something you can just do on your own without your mother's knowledge. But is there a family doctor you could speak to? Or maybe someone else who you think your mother may at least listen to?

 

You bring up a very good point!! But since my mother is a very private person, I know she would not open up to a new therapist the way she has with her most current one. I am almost positive that the only thing my mother talks about with her therapist is the basic things she talks with me about (basically just venting), because i'm positive that if anyone knew about the depression that my mother is dealing with right now, someone would have taken steps towards helping. And that, unfortunately, is not the case.

 

I have noticed that no one has called for my mother (on the house phone) since this depression has started. I don't know if that means anything or not. Usually she will get around 3 or 4 phone calls a week from her best friend.

 

When I e-mailed my Aunt a little bit ago, I asked her if she knew the number for my mothers therapist. I also explained everything that has been going on.

 

I'm afraid that if this continues on the way that it has, I might lose her. I don't know what i'd do without her. I just can't let that happen. Someone needs to do something, and soon!

 

I apologize for being all over the place with my thoughts.

Edited May 30, 2010 by EricaH329

[Kamille]

I'm glad you reached out to your aunt. You are doing the best you can Erica. When you spoke to your mom did you share your concerns for her life with her? Does she know how much her suicidal thoughts are troubling you? Does she know how much she means to you?

 

And, I agree with Anne, it sounds like your mom could benefit from seeing a new therapist or another form of therapy and perhaps some other type of anti-depressant.

 

 

I am so sorry to hear about the situation with your mother. I know how you feel, and I would never wish this sort of thing on anyone. Has therapy helped you? And if so, in what way? I really appreciate any advice or opinions you can give to me.

 

Therapy has helped me a lot, but it was too hard and I ended up quitting. The therapist wanted me to start drawing boundaries with my mother and I just wasn't ready yet. Basically, as you're well aware, dealing with someone's depression often means your own needs and your own life will be put on hold. Kids of depressed parents often end up believing that they're responsible for their parent's well-being and will internalize the parent's bad phases as being a failure on their part. Basically, growing up with a depressed parent can make you feel powerless because the goal you're striving for (your mother's mental well-being) is out of your control. I once read somewhere that kids of chronically depressed parents share a lot in common with kids of alcoholic parents.

 

My sister, dad and I have come to accept that we will not find the 'quickfix' that will make her happy and we're doing our best to accept that all we can do is support her and remind her we're there for her if she wants to reach out. It's hard though, because obviously we want to help. But, to my knowledge, my mom hasn't been suicidal in years - but then, when she was feeling suicidal, she hid it really well... She would basically become hyperactive. Her two attempts - which both happened the same year- were more cries for help than anything else.

 

I also grew up internalizing a lot of guilt and twisted perceptions of myself because my mother would sometimes take out her insecurities and fears on me. In other words, she often saw me as an extension of herself and since she struggled to see her own self-worth, she put a lot of pressure on my sister and me to be "perfect". She was extremely critical of me, just as she can be extremely critical of herself. And she could be extremely hard on us when we failed to meet her expectations (like getting an 83 at school or spilling a glass of juice or being "too loud" in a public space). The therapist helped me identify the moments when "my mother's voice" was taking over my own sense of self-worth. It's still an on-going process though. I often feel abnormal, not good enough and like a failure, even though all signs point to the contrary. Each case is different I imagine: my mother is a bit of an extrovert. Meanwhile your mom seems to be quite introverted.

 

A therapist could probably also guide you right now on how best to handle your mom's current crisis.

[EricaH329]

I'm glad you reached out to your aunt. You are doing the best you can Erica. When you spoke to your mom did you share your concerns for her life with her? Does she know how much her suicidal thoughts are troubling you? Does she know how much she means to you?

 

Yes. When I sat down with her, I cried instantly. There's really no hiding how much it effects me. When I told her that this is extremely upsetting for me, she just looked at me and said, "This is upsetting for you? I'm so sorry to inconvenience you. How do you think I feel?!" She gets very defensive, and begins saying how no one ever pays attention to her and her needs, and that now it's too late.

 

This morning, I heard my mother get up to use the bathroom, and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to try and make some progress. Every Sunday I get medicine from her (I have bad anxiety and I can't afford health insurance right now). I used that as an excuse for her to stay up for a few extra minutes and talk with me. I told her how much I really appreciate the necklace she made me, that it was beautiful and perfect. She responded positively to that. After she handed me the medicine, I began walking out, and then stopped at the door way (to allow zero room for arguing) and told her that today she needs to eat. I'm going to make sandwiches later and i'll wake her up when they are ready. Again, she responded positively.

 

I do feel as though I am taking care of an elderly person, and the massive mood swings and occasional submissive attitude just adds on to that. But I am most certainly not complaining. I would make food for her, and make sure she ate, every single day for the rest of my life if it meant she would stay alive. Even though i'm crying, again, I feel somewhat relieved at how this morning went.

 

Therapy has helped me a lot, but it was too hard and I ended up quitting. The therapist wanted me to start drawing boundaries with my mother and I just wasn't ready yet. Basically, as you're well aware, dealing with someone's depression often means your own needs and your own life will be put on hold. Kids of depressed parents often end up believing that they're responsible for their parent's well-being and will internalize the parent's bad phases as being a failure on their part. Basically, growing up with a depressed parent can make you feel powerless because the goal you're striving for (your mother's mental well-being) is out of your control. I once read somewhere that kids of chronically depressed parents share a lot in common with kids of alcoholic parents.

 

That makes a ton of sense, i've never looked at it like that before. Unfortunately, i've had the burden of having both an alcoholic and depressed mother. With almost no time in between the two. It's so incredibly tough.

 

My sister, dad and I have come to accept that we will not find the 'quickfix' that will make her happy and we're doing our best to accept that all we can do is support her and remind her we're there for her if she wants to reach out. It's hard though, because obviously we want to help. But, to my knowledge, my mom hasn't been suicidal in years - but then, when she was feeling suicidal, she hid it really well... She would basically become hyperactive. Her two attempts - which both happened the same year- were more cries for help than anything else.

 

Wow. If you don't mind me asking, how did your family handle the attempts? Was she, also, seeing a therapist? Medicine? I really don't mean to pry, and if you feel uncomfortable answering any of these questions, please don't feel as though i'm forcing it... but how is she now? Better?

 

I also grew up internalizing a lot of guilt and twisted perceptions of myself because my mother would sometimes take out her insecurities and fears on me. In other words, she often saw me as an extension of herself and since she struggled to see her own self-worth, she put a lot of pressure on my sister and me to be "perfect". She was extremely critical of me, just as she can be extremely critical of herself. And she could be extremely hard on us when we failed to meet her expectations (like getting an 83 at school or spilling a glass of juice or being "too loud" in a public space). The therapist helped me identify the moments when "my mother's voice" was taking over my own sense of self-worth. It's still an on-going process though. I often feel abnormal, not good enough and like a failure, even though all signs point to the contrary. Each case is different I imagine: my mother is a bit of an extrovert. Meanwhile your mom seems to be quite introverted.

 

That's very interesting. I can relate with the whole 'perfection' thing with my mom too. The only difference with me, however, is that she never tried to make me succeed in life. It wasn't that sort of perfection. She would always take jabs at my personal flaws. I'm not nice enough, i'm not good enough, i'm not worth anything, etc. It effected me a lot more when I was younger, now I understand why she is saying these things. Do you find that to be the same case with you, also?

 

I really don't mean to pry. I just don't have anyone else to talk to about this, and i'm not too sure that many people would understand. Again, I appreciate everything you've offered, you've been such a help!

Edited May 30, 2010 by EricaH329

[Kamille]

Yes. When I sat down with her, I cried instantly. There's really no hiding how much it effects me. When I told her that this is extremely upsetting for me, she just looked at me and said, "This is upsetting for you? I'm so sorry to inconvenience you. How do you think I feel?!" She gets very defensive, and begins saying how no one ever pays attention to her and her needs, and that now it's too late.

 

Yeah, now that you describe her reaction I remember an almost exact same episode with my mom. I think your mom is taking out something that happened with someone else in her life on you. But yes, my mom has twisted my dad's and my attempts at making things better into us being selfish. I found the best way to handle this was to say : "You're right, I don't understand what you're going through, but I do love you and I'm here for you". When she's in crisis it's almost like the only thing I can do is to "erase myself" and try to let her know that I at least hear her. And, hearing her means admitting there is no way I can understand. My mom is a softie though. Telling her "I'm there for her" will usually make her cry. She'll also despair that she'll never get better.

 

 

I began walking out, and then stopped at the door way (to allow zero room for arguing) and told her that today she needs to eat. I'm going to make sandwiches later and i'll wake her up when they are ready. Again, she responded positively.

 

 

 

I do feel as though I am taking care of an elderly person, and the massive mood swings and occasional submissive attitude just adds on to that. But I am most certainly not complaining. I would make food for her, and make sure she ate, every single day for the rest of my life if it meant she would stay alive. Even though i'm crying, again, I feel somewhat relieved at how this morning went.

 

You're really outstanding Erica. I do worry, though, that your mom's depression has you in an emotional stronghold. Don't get me wrong, I know it doesn't feel like you have a choice right now and I'm glad you're there for her. At the same time, I do hope you manage to get in touch with either her therapist or another therapist of your own to guide you through this.

 

These last paragraphs get really personal and they're really about me and my situation. I will post them because I try to answer some of your questions, but, as you'll see, my answers soon turned into me trying to grasp my own situation with my mom. There are a lot of things that i'm still trying to figure out about my relationship with my mom. What I wrote is a reflection of where I am right now, and I hope it will eventually evolve to something else:

 

Wow. If you don't mind me asking, how did your family handle the attempts? Was she, also, seeing a therapist? Medicine? I really don't mean to pry, and if you feel uncomfortable answering any of these questions, please don't feel as though i'm forcing it... but how is she now? Better?

 

I was the last one to find out about the attempts. For some reason my family perceives me as "the emotional one" and they often try to shield me from the truth. (I don't agree with their assessment, but whatever). I lived in another city at the time, so my dad was the one to handle most of it. By the time I was told my mom had started going to therapy and was on anti-depressants. She hadn't done either before and I think they helped.

 

The attempts happened over 10 years ago. My dad was absolutely unable to talk about it. I think he was deeply hurt and overwhelmed. My sister, a doctor, is the one who pushed for anti-depressant and therapy. That left me being the one she would turn to talk to try and explain what was going through her head. I remember a conversation where I told her I was glad she turned to dad for help and glad she felt safe enough to talk to me about it. I also encouraged her to talk to me if things go to heavy again. Unfortunately, my mom and I have distanced ourselves from each other in the last few years. Basically she started blaming my sister and I for her unhappiness and it has been hard to handle. (I could go on, but I doubt it relates to how you feel right now).

 

Even though we're no longer as close, she does seem more balanced to me. I think she'll never be fully okay. She perceives herself as a victim way too easily in all situations and she sometimes has those dark days where I can tell just by her tone of voice that she's feeling horrible. The thing is that when she's in that mood, she usually tries to find reasons to legitimate being in that mood and that means that if I'm around, she'll find problems with me, pick fights with me, tell me I'm not normal, etc (I think you might be able to understand, it's hard to explain though). It's going to sound horrible to you right now, but I now refuse to engage with her when she's like that. I cut the conversation short and tell her I will call her in a few days. For awhile that tactic made things worse, but lately things between us seem to be improving.

 

Also, one of the main reasons why she suffers with depression is that she struggles with another chronic disease. For the last year, the doctors have prescribed a new medication which seems to be working miracles. She has more energy and usually feels better about life.

 

Oof, you got me talking! Sorry if this is long and slightly off-topic. But you're right, very few people understand what it's like to deal with a parent's depression.

 

 

That's very interesting. I can relate with the whole 'perfection' thing with my mom too. The only difference with me, however, is that she never tried to make me succeed in life. It wasn't that sort of perfection. She would always take jabs at my personal flaws. I'm not nice enough, i'm not good enough, i'm not worth anything, etc. It effected me a lot more when I was younger, now I understand why she is saying these things. Do you find that to be the same case with you, also?

 

Yes and no. Or it wasn't so flagrant. She would spend a lot of time pointing out my "abnormalities" to me. How shy I was, how difficult it was for me to make friends, how irresponsible I was, how my ears were oddly shaped, how I never understood properly, how whiny I was, how I cried for nothing, how clumsy I was, etc etc etc. Basically, any contextual mistake I made would turn into a commentary about my general inadequacies. She had no qualms about pointing out all my flaws to any adult she spoke with, even though I was right there (she's too sensitive, too lazy, too disorganized, the other day she did this, can you believe it? I don't know what to do with that child).

 

Maybe you now better understand why your mom said the things she said, but I'll be honest, while I can rationally explain why my mom was like that, it's affected me deeply. I'm not over it. It made me an incredibly shy kid, made me feel completely inadequate for most of my life. I'm doing better, but it's still a struggle.

 

I really don't mean to pry. I just don't have anyone else to talk to about this, and i'm not too sure that many people would understand. Again, I appreciate everything you've offered, you've been such a help!

 

It is a tough topic to talk about and at the same time I feel like I self-indulged. 3 years ago, my (ex)therapist had been trying to get me to write an angry letter to my mom about all the things that she did that hurt me when I was kid. She would never see this letter, it would only be for the therapy. I refused to do it. At the time, I felt like I wasn't allowed to be angry at my mom, precisely because she was depressed and had had such a tough life. I feel like I just wrote that letter! I'm all topsy-turvy to tell you the truth. I do want my relationship with my mom to improve. I wish I could get back to that therapist because what little work that therapist did made me realize that this anger isn't necessarily a negative thing. I do love my mom, but there are things about my childhood that I need to deal with in order to let go of some of my anxiety. Realizing where those feelings of inadequacy come from and challenging them is a step toward that.

 

So, Erica, let me thank you for letting me vent this out. I hope it doesn't disturb you too much. I know my problems are most likely the last thing on your mind right now. But thanks for getting me to reflect on all this.

[EricaH329]

Yeah, now that you describe her reaction I remember an almost exact same episode with my mom. I think your mom is taking out something that happened with someone else in her life on you. But yes, my mom has twisted my dad's and my attempts at making things better into us being selfish. I found the best way to handle this was to say : "You're right, I don't understand what you're going through, but I do love you and I'm here for you". When she's in crisis it's almost like the only thing I can do is to "erase myself" and try to let her know that I at least hear her. And, hearing her means admitting there is no way I can understand. My mom is a softie though. Telling her "I'm there for her" will usually make her cry. She'll also despair that she'll never get better.

 

That's a very good way to go about dealing with it. I will have to try that out. I completely understand how you feel the need to erase yourself. I've tried to keep our recent conversations short and to the point, as to not upset her further.

 

You're really outstanding Erica. I do worry, though, that your mom's depression has you in an emotional stronghold. Don't get me wrong, I know it doesn't feel like you have a choice right now and I'm glad you're there for her. At the same time, I do hope you manage to get in touch with either her therapist or another therapist of your own to guide you through this.

 

You are absolutely right. It has taken a toll on me emotionally. As much as I acknowledge that, and know it's definitely not a good thing, you are very right in saying that I feel as though I don't have a choice. I will have to start seeing a therapist soon, this whole thing has become entirely too overwhelming.

 

I was the last one to find out about the attempts. For some reason my family perceives me as "the emotional one" and they often try to shield me from the truth. (I don't agree with their assessment, but whatever). I lived in another city at the time, so my dad was the one to handle most of it. By the time I was told my mom had started going to therapy and was on anti-depressants. She hadn't done either before and I think they helped.

 

Do you think that maybe it was a good thing that they tried to shield you from it? Even though their reasons were not something you believe to be true, do you feel as though if you were to have had first hand experience with it that it would have done more damage?

 

I really can't imagine the toll it must have taken on your family. I know what it's doing to me, and i'm apparently the only one who is aware of this situation.

 

The attempts happened over 10 years ago. My dad was absolutely unable to talk about it. I think he was deeply hurt and overwhelmed. My sister, a doctor, is the one who pushed for anti-depressant and therapy. That left me being the one she would turn to talk to try and explain what was going through her head. I remember a conversation where I told her I was glad she turned to dad for help and glad she felt safe enough to talk to me about it. I also encouraged her to talk to me if things go to heavy again. Unfortunately, my mom and I have distanced ourselves from each other in the last few years. Basically she started blaming my sister and I for her unhappiness and it has been hard to handle. (I could go on, but I doubt it relates to how you feel right now).

 

I totally understand!! My mother has always blamed me for her unhappiness. It was never my brother, my father, her sister or mother, it's always me. She does have other issues in her life, but for some reason, everything always falls back on me. I don't blame you or your sister at all for distancing yourselves. I wish I was strong enough to do that.

 

Even though we're no longer as close, she does seem more balanced to me. I think she'll never be fully okay. She perceives herself as a victim way too easily in all situations and she sometimes has those dark days where I can tell just by her tone of voice that she's feeling horrible. The thing is that when she's in that mood, she usually tries to find reasons to legitimate being in that mood and that means that if I'm around, she'll find problems with me, pick fights with me, tell me I'm not normal, etc (I think you might be able to understand, it's hard to explain though). It's going to sound horrible to you right now, but I now refuse to engage with her when she's like that. I cut the conversation short and tell her I will call her in a few days. For awhile that tactic made things worse, but lately things between us seem to be improving.

 

I'm very glad things are improving between the both of you!! That really does make me happy.

 

Before this severe depression, she also had her days (like you mentioned about your mother). You can always tell, whether it's the tone of their voice or just by looking at them. I'm not sure if you can relate to this or not, but the majority of problems my mother has, is due to her negative thinking. I've never understood this. She places so much energy into things that she shouldn't. For example, a couple of people at her job are idiots, and if she had to deal with them, it would completely ruin the rest of her day. She would be in a horrible mood, become nasty towards everyone, and bring me down. I've tried to tell her on multiple occasions that she should understand that some people are just idiots (I work with them too, I think we all do!), but to allow it to bother her to the extent that it does, would drive anyone crazy!

 

Can you relate to this? Does your mother over react about things, also? Have you noticed a very pessimistic outlook about everything?

 

Also, one of the main reasons why she suffers with depression is that she struggles with another chronic disease. For the last year, the doctors have prescribed a new medication which seems to be working miracles. She has more energy and usually feels better about life.

 

Oh no! I am terribly sorry to hear that she is suffering from a chronic disease! My mother is also suffering from a few very serious issues, which I believe to be some of the reason for her depression as well.

 

I am thrilled to hear that the new medication is working!!! That's just awesome news all around! I will keep her in my prayers.

 

 

Oof, you got me talking! Sorry if this is long and slightly off-topic. But you're right, very few people understand what it's like to deal with a parent's depression.

 

And that is exactly why I would love to hear more about this situation, and any off-topic issues that come up are more than welcome!!! This is helping me a great deal. Thank you so very much!!

 

Yes and no. Or it wasn't so flagrant. She would spend a lot of time pointing out my "abnormalities" to me. How shy I was, how difficult it was for me to make friends, how irresponsible I was, how my ears were oddly shaped, how I never understood properly, how whiny I was, how I cried for nothing, how clumsy I was, etc etc etc. Basically, any contextual mistake I made would turn into a commentary about my general inadequacies. She had no qualms about pointing out all my flaws to any adult she spoke with, even though I was right there (she's too sensitive, too lazy, too disorganized, the other day she did this, can you believe it? I don't know what to do with that child).

 

My mother does the same thing! The day before she became extremely depressed, I was in her room with her and she was talking on the phone to my father. She was telling him how I never get anything accomplished, I never help her out, basically that i'm useless. This hurt me very much because I do everything in my power to help her and get things accomplished. It pains me that she doesn't recognize it, and instead, brings me down constantly. I don't think i'll ever get used to that treatment. And yet, I still find myself trying to please her. Hm. Can you relate?

 

Maybe you now better understand why your mom said the things she said, but I'll be honest, while I can rationally explain why my mom was like that, it's affected me deeply. I'm not over it. It made me an incredibly shy kid, made me feel completely inadequate for most of my life. I'm doing better, but it's still a struggle.

 

I feel for you. I really do. To be honest, it feels as though no one else could possibly be going through the same thing as me. Why? Because it's too intense. I never thought in a million years that a mother would treat their own daughter the way mine has. It pains me to hear you also have to go through this. At the same time, though, I feel relieved that i'm not alone in this.

 

It is a tough topic to talk about and at the same time I feel like I self-indulged. 3 years ago, my (ex)therapist had been trying to get me to write an angry letter to my mom about all the things that she did that hurt me when I was kid. She would never see this letter, it would only be for the therapy. I refused to do it. At the time, I felt like I wasn't allowed to be angry at my mom, precisely because she was depressed and had had such a tough life. I feel like I just wrote that letter! I'm all topsy-turvy to tell you the truth. I do want my relationship with my mom to improve. I wish I could get back to that therapist because what little work that therapist did made me realize that this anger isn't necessarily a negative thing. I do love my mom, but there are things about my childhood that I need to deal with in order to let go of some of my anxiety. Realizing where those feelings of inadequacy come from and challenging them is a step toward that.

 

So, Erica, let me thank you for letting me vent this out. I hope it doesn't disturb you too much. I know my problems are most likely the last thing on your mind right now. But thanks for getting me to reflect on all this.

 

Oh my goodness, this has helped more than you know!!! I'd really like to continue to hear more about this, and hopefully it'll be beneficial for both of us. You get to vent (and hopefully it'll help put things into perspective), and I get to learn more about this illness. I'd like to thank you, again, for everything you've shared! I know it's not an easy thing to talk about, and it brings back a lot of crappy feelings.

[Cinnamon2000]

Now, more than ever, I need advice.

 

For the last 2 weeks or so, my mother has been very depressed. She comes home from work at about 5:30 PM, and immediately goes to sleep. She sleeps until 7 AM, when she gets up to go to work.

 

She usually tells me what's going on in her life (she likes to vent), but over the last 2 weeks she hasn't said a word to me. She has barely acknowledged my existence.

 

I have been extremely worried about her. I thought this would pass (she has a history of being emotionally unstable), but it hasn't.

 

Two nights ago, I decided to finally approach her during the 5 minutes that she was awake. The minute I walked into her room, she began crying. She told me she was very depressed (as I had assumed), and that her life was not worth living any longer. This made me extremely upset. I tried to talk to her about everything, but she wouldn't give me much information. She simply told me that she has struggled her whole life with issues that I would never understand, and she cannot take it any longer.

 

This has caused a serious emotional downfall for me. She is losing weight rapidly, and there isn't anything I can do about it. She has been seeing a therapist for quite some time now, and it's obviously not doing much for her. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do! I don't know who to go to, who to talk to, what actions I should take. She really needs help right now, and I don't know where to get it from! I can't see her like this any longer! I can't imagine the pain she must be going through, it literally breaks my heart!

 

Please... if you have any advice or opinions on this subject, i'd really really appreciate it!!!!

 

What about your plan to move to London? People become more optimistic when there are events/things they can look forward to do.

 

By the way, what happened to the older guy that you like at work? Did you find out what you sent him through email?

[EricaH329]

What about your plan to move to London? People become more optimistic when there are events/things they can look forward to do.

 

That's no longer an option. I can't leave my mother behind in the condition that she is in. She will most literally die if I leave her alone.

 

By the way, what happened to the older guy that you like at work? Did you find out what you sent him through email?

 

Wow that was so long ago! It took me a minute to realize what you meant. I really can't remember exactly what I sent him, I think I just said 'Hey'.

 

After getting to know him, I realized that he's a huge jerk. I actually posted a thread about him fairly recently. I almost quit my job because I couldn't stand to be around him!

[Cinnamon2000]

That's no longer an option. I can't leave my mother behind in the condition that she is in. She will most literally die if I leave her alone.

 

I thought you were thinking about moving there with your mother.

[EricaH329]

I thought you were thinking about moving there with your mother.

 

I was, but there is no way she would be willing to do that now. She can't even get out of bed. One of her biggest worries is money, also. So that doesn't help.

 

Also, we had decided that I would move to London first, and she would follow after visiting and finding a job, etc. If I leave her here by herself, I have a feeling she wouldn't follow. She would probably lock herself in the house and wither away. Ugh, that just breaks my heart.

 

Her depression, right now, is probably the worst it can possibly get. She isn't eating, she isn't cleaning up after herself (her trash can is over-flowing), she isn't showering, she is sleeping constantly. The few minutes she is awake, she is crying. I feel so helpless, as if i'm just watching my mother slowly kill herself and there isn't anything I can do about it.

[Cinnamon2000]

I was, but there is no way she would be willing to do that now. She can't even get out of bed. One of her biggest worries is money, also. So that doesn't help.

 

Also, we had decided that I would move to London first, and she would follow after visiting and finding a job, etc. If I leave her here by herself, I have a feeling she wouldn't follow. She would probably lock herself in the house and wither away. Ugh, that just breaks my heart.

 

Her depression, right now, is probably the worst it can possibly get. She isn't eating, she isn't cleaning up after herself (her trash can is over-flowing), she isn't showering, she is sleeping constantly. The few minutes she is awake, she is crying. I feel so helpless, as if i'm just watching my mother slowly kill herself and there isn't anything I can do about it.

 

 

Where is your dad? Ask him to come over and give his ex-lover some loving.

 

What's causing the depression? Is there a hobby you can think of to do with your mom? Do you like jogging? Ask her to come along. Do you like reality TV? Ask her to watch it with you? Do you know any good man who would want to go out with your mom?

[Ilovehim]

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. My heart goes out to you. Have you tried to get her to see a therapist? What is missing in her life? Do you know what is causing her depression?

[Kamille]

Oh no! I just wrote a super long post and forgot to "copy" it before pressing submit reply and lost it. sigh. i'll try again but I have to get to work soon!

 

 

Anyway, how are things today? Have you heard from your aunt?

 

 

 

You are absolutely right. It has taken a toll on me emotionally. As much as I acknowledge that, and know it's definitely not a good thing, you are very right in saying that I feel as though I don't have a choice. I will have to start seeing a therapist soon, this whole thing has become entirely too overwhelming.

 

In my opinion, this has definitely had effects on my dad. He suffered from a depression (mild compared to hers) soon after she hit her darkest days. But he didn't feel (and still doesn't feel) like he could admit it because he was supposed to be the strong one. While he used to be very laid back, he now struggles with anxiety - I wonder if it comes from trying to "protect" my mom all the time.

 

 

 

Do you think that maybe it was a good thing that they tried to shield you from it? Even though their reasons were not something you believe to be true, do you feel as though if you were to have had first hand experience with it that it would have done more damage?

 

I really can't imagine the toll it must have taken on your family. I know what it's doing to me, and i'm apparently the only one who is aware of this situation.

 

It probably did shield me, but I feel like (and here comes codependent me) I could have been helpful while it was going on. I've struggled with depression myself so I feel like I would have known what to say. My family made another comment lately. I think they believe I fall apart at the slightest emotional turmoil. I don't know why they think this as it has no base in reality.

 

 

 

I totally understand!! My mother has always blamed me for her unhappiness. It was never my brother, my father, her sister or mother, it's always me. She does have other issues in her life, but for some reason, everything always falls back on me. I don't blame you or your sister at all for distancing yourselves. I wish I was strong enough to do that.

 

 

 

I'm very glad things are improving between the both of you!! That really does make me happy.

 

Before this severe depression, she also had her days (like you mentioned about your mother). You can always tell, whether it's the tone of their voice or just by looking at them. I'm not sure if you can relate to this or not, but the majority of problems my mother has, is due to her negative thinking. I've never understood this. She places so much energy into things that she shouldn't. For example, a couple of people at her job are idiots, and if she had to deal with them, it would completely ruin the rest of her day. She would be in a horrible mood, become nasty towards everyone, and bring me down. I've tried to tell her on multiple occasions that she should understand that some people are just idiots (I work with them too, I think we all do!), but to allow it to bother her to the extent that it does, would drive anyone crazy!

 

Can you relate to this? Does your mother over react about things, also? Have you noticed a very pessimistic outlook about everything?

 

Okay, this is where I started really going on and on.

 

I feel like my mom blaming my sister and I for her unhappiness is related to her propensity focus on what's upsetting her. For as long as I can remember, my mom has had a "nemesis". When she was a SAHM, it was my dad's mom (granny). When she got back on the job market, it was one particular coworker. Once she retired, it became my sister's bf. Obviously, this was impossible for my sister to handle, so my sister distanced herself from my mom and this became the "source of the problem". My mom became convinced that my sister, and eventually me, didn't love her and therefore became obsessed with proving that we didn't love her. Basically, she has to externalize her pain and will get obsessed with the "enemy" of the moment. And once she starts obessing about someone, it will go on FOR MONTHS!

 

Most people will try to do other things when they're upset at someone, if only to remind themselves that their lives does not revolve around the particular issue. Not my mom: she feels like the issue is the source of her unhappiness and she therefore needs to "solve it". The solutions usually involve other people changing either their actions or their personalities. Like, if only my sister broke up with her bf, everything would be wonderful and sister and mom would be close again.

 

When things started falling with my sister, I tried to become the "good daughter" and make things up for my mom. As you well know, though, when a depressed person decides to think negatively, there is nothing you can do to make things up for her. Her obsession and her interpretations of events become "the truth". Nothing I did was ever enough. It eventually became a chore for me to try to be there for her and the final nail came when, after a talk with my sister, I told my mom I would no longer listen to her talk agaisnt my sister and her bf. Mom felt that I was "picking sides" when really, what I was trying to do was set healthy boundaries for myself. There was another incident when I tried to talk about "her expectations" of good daughters which totally backfired. She totally attacked me - but felt like I was attacking her. To this day she maintains I had bad intentions for bringing up the topic of expectations.

 

So she definitely struggles with black and white thinking. On really bad days, when she stops focusing on the enemy, she suddenly starts blaming herself - but not by taking responsibility and trying to set healthy boundaries for herself - instead, she'll take "the enemy situation" to mean that she is inadequate, that no one loves her, no one cares for her and that her life isn't worth living.

 

 

 

Oh no! I am terribly sorry to hear that she is suffering from a chronic disease! My mother is also suffering from a few very serious issues, which I believe to be some of the reason for her depression as well.

 

I am thrilled to hear that the new medication is working!!! That's just awesome news all around! I will keep her in my prayers.

 

Thank you, you're really sweet. The medication does seem to help. She's more involved with other activities than she has been in years and it seems to help improve our relationship to her. Hopefully we can be close again soon.

 

 

 

 

 

My mother does the same thing! The day before she became extremely depressed, I was in her room with her and she was talking on the phone to my father. She was telling him how I never get anything accomplished, I never help her out, basically that i'm useless. This hurt me very much because I do everything in my power to help her and get things accomplished. It pains me that she doesn't recognize it, and instead, brings me down constantly. I don't think i'll ever get used to that treatment. And yet, I still find myself trying to please her. Hm. Can you relate?

 

 

 

Yes I can relate. The example of me trying to be the good daughter comes to mind. If I learned anything from my experience it's this: your mom's expectations are most likely a moving target, so there is no way you can ever meet them. So instead of focusing on pleasing her, focus on setting healthy boundaries. And remember, there could be (and most likely there is) a discrepancy between what she thinks she needs from you and what she actually needs from you. My mom thought she needed me to be her accomplice in the situation with my sister, but really I was just enabling the situation. Your priority has to be YOUR well-being here. So, today, do one thing that makes you happy or relaxes you and then get back to helping her. The healthier you are, the easier it will be to set proper boundaries for the both of you.

 

I feel for you. I really do. To be honest, it feels as though no one else could possibly be going through the same thing as me. Why? Because it's too intense. I never thought in a million years that a mother would treat their own daughter the way mine has. It pains me to hear you also have to go through this. At the same time, though, I feel relieved that i'm not alone in this.

 

I know. Like you said, this isn't something I would wish on anyone. It is intense, scary and emotionally taxing for everyone. ((Erica))

 

Okay, now a command-C!

[freestyle]

Pardon me for jumping in on this thread so late, but it strikes a chord with me as well.

 

My Mom passed two years ago, but I feel like I'm just now starting to realize how much her negative outlook affected me emotionally.

 

I saw parallels in both stories that resonated with me, specifically, the verbal abuse towards both you, Erica; and you, Kamille. I realize they are the words of depressed people, but they are abusive nonetheless. (I got the same thing, I never measured up, I did everything wrong,her life would have been so much better had she never been saddled with "us kids"....)

 

I'm sharing this , because I think the damage it does to us personally ,needs to be acknowledged. I think I swept it under the rug for a couple of decades, and now that I'm in my 40's , I'm starting to see how much it has colored my outlook......Even if I don't show it on the surface, there's a part of me inside that completely crumples at the slightest criticism.Suddenly, I'm that crestfallen 10 year old again. At least I've finally come to understand why I react that way..............

 

what I fear for you, Erica, is that you might be minimizing your Mom's verbal abuse, because all you can see is that she is in crisis.I'm afraid it might affect you more than you realize..........Make sure you take the time to tune into your own feelings, and don't shrug off the verbal abuse---set your boundaries with it.

 

Has your mom been officially diagnosed with a personality disorder? You mentioned alcoholism, and depression, but I wonder if those aren't symptoms of something bigger..........frankly what you described sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder.......fear of abandonment, verbal abuse directed at those closest to you, attention seeking behaviors,and using threats of self-harm or suicide, to keep a tight leash on loved ones.People with BPD tend to see everything in black and white, no middle ground or shades of grey.

 

" I hate you, you suck, but please don't leave me........"

 

While I'm certainly not a psychotherapist, or a psychologist, and am therefore not qualified to make a diagnosis---what you've described is bringing that particular PD to mind. I'm only going to recommend that you take the time to do some reading on the subject, see if it rings true for you.If it is BPD, the good news is that it can be managed and treated.

 

While I commend you for taking care of her like you have been........I really hope some of your other family members will step up to the plate, it's really not fair for this to all be on your shoulders.......

 

(((((hugs))))) to both you and Kamille

[ethenmorsn86]

I think there is something which your mother want to share with you or some one else but, she is unable to talk and because of that going through emotional imbalance.You should try to talk her and consult with some some counselor. Otherwise condition can be worse, she can go in severe depression.

_____

zoloft

[EricaH329]

Oh no! I just wrote a super long post and forgot to "copy" it before pressing submit reply and lost it. sigh. i'll try again but I have to get to work soon!

 

 

Anyway, how are things today? Have you heard from your aunt?

 

Don't you hate it when that happens??

 

I did hear back from my Aunt yesterday. She basically thanked me for letting her know, then went on to say that what I need to do right now is be helpful. I need to stop making everything about me all the time, which i'm 100% sure my mother told her... since everything I do since i've moved back in with my mother has been for her. Especially since this depression has started. I've done everything! I clean my mothers room, do the yardwork and all the housework. Yet... my mother won't ever take notice. Instead, she'll pick out what I don't do, and hold that against me.

 

Yesterday, I seriously almost lost it.

 

I spent all day yesterday mowing the lawn, trimming the bushes, doing housework, making dinner. I texted my mom earlier that day to tell her I got a phone call from my job asking me not to come in (i'm a waitress at a bar, and when it's slow they tell me not to bother coming in). Everyday when she comes home from work, I greet her at the door. She came home, and I was holding the door open for her, when she asks me why i'm not at work. I told her that I texted her earlier (since she wasn't online). Now... get this part... she stood in the middle of the freshly mowed front yard, yelling and screaming at me. Telling me that if she had known she would have went to the store. I told her that she can go tomorrow (today), and to stop standing in the middle of the yard and come inside.

 

After about 5 minutes of her crying and yelling out front (which was extremely humiliating), she finally came inside. She went straight into her room and she told me she was going to sleep. I followed her, told her I had made dinner (to which she said she wasn't having any), and I asked her what I can do to make things better. The first thing she said was, 'Just shoot me!'. I looked at her, and responded, 'Ok. Aside from that, what can I do?' and she told me that I can make sure she gets her messages. Since I am not with her at work all day, there's absolutely no way for me to do that, and it's an absolutely ridiculous request on her part. But I accepted it, and walked away. That pissed me off. I really don't know how much more I can take! I also have issues in my own life that I need to sort out, and i've had to put all of that on the backburner and not allow my emotions to show for her sake.

 

In my opinion, this has definitely had effects on my dad. He suffered from a depression (mild compared to hers) soon after she hit her darkest days. But he didn't feel (and still doesn't feel) like he could admit it because he was supposed to be the strong one. While he used to be very laid back, he now struggles with anxiety - I wonder if it comes from trying to "protect" my mom all the time.

 

I'm almost positive his anxiety is closely related to issues with your mom. It's extremely stressful. I, too, have anxiety and I can tell you that this situation is not making it any better. I'm very sorry this has effected your dad the way it has. This is a situation where it's a lose-lose for everyone involved.

 

It probably did shield me, but I feel like (and here comes codependent me) I could have been helpful while it was going on. I've struggled with depression myself so I feel like I would have known what to say. My family made another comment lately. I think they believe I fall apart at the slightest emotional turmoil. I don't know why they think this as it has no base in reality.

 

I do know what you mean. The feeling like you can do something, or that you want to do something, anything... to make this situation better. Unfortunately, we really are helpless. No one can help our mothers except for them. They have to want to get better, and unfortunately, I think that when they get in that mind frame, they don't really want to be better. They enjoy (to some extent) wallowing in their misery. It's something they are used to, something they can feel comfortable with.

 

And here's the kicker... they complain that we don't care enough about them. That we don't do enough for them, and we can never measure up. All the while, they are doing the most selfish thing anyone can do! Continuing to stay miserable (with no attempts at getting better, just a lot of finger pointing going on), while we suffer the repercussions. Sorry for my angry rant, i'm pretty upset right now.

 

Okay, this is where I started really going on and on.

 

I feel like my mom blaming my sister and I for her unhappiness is related to her propensity focus on what's upsetting her. For as long as I can remember, my mom has had a "nemesis". When she was a SAHM, it was my dad's mom (granny). When she got back on the job market, it was one particular coworker. Once she retired, it became my sister's bf. Obviously, this was impossible for my sister to handle, so my sister distanced herself from my mom and this became the "source of the problem". My mom became convinced that my sister, and eventually me, didn't love her and therefore became obsessed with proving that we didn't love her. Basically, she has to externalize her pain and will get obsessed with the "enemy" of the moment. And once she starts obessing about someone, it will go on FOR MONTHS!

 

Most people will try to do other things when they're upset at someone, if only to remind themselves that their lives does not revolve around the particular issue. Not my mom: she feels like the issue is the source of her unhappiness and she therefore needs to "solve it". The solutions usually involve other people changing either their actions or their personalities. Like, if only my sister broke up with her bf, everything would be wonderful and sister and mom would be close again.

 

When things started falling with my sister, I tried to become the "good daughter" and make things up for my mom. As you well know, though, when a depressed person decides to think negatively, there is nothing you can do to make things up for her. Her obsession and her interpretations of events become "the truth". Nothing I did was ever enough. It eventually became a chore for me to try to be there for her and the final nail came when, after a talk with my sister, I told my mom I would no longer listen to her talk agaisnt my sister and her bf. Mom felt that I was "picking sides" when really, what I was trying to do was set healthy boundaries for myself. There was another incident when I tried to talk about "her expectations" of good daughters which totally backfired. She totally attacked me - but felt like I was attacking her. To this day she maintains I had bad intentions for bringing up the topic of expectations.

 

So she definitely struggles with black and white thinking. On really bad days, when she stops focusing on the enemy, she suddenly starts blaming herself - but not by taking responsibility and trying to set healthy boundaries for herself - instead, she'll take "the enemy situation" to mean that she is inadequate, that no one loves her, no one cares for her and that her life isn't worth living.

 

Definitely! The enemy has always been me. When I lived 8 hours away from home, I would call her about once a week to say hello and whatnot. When she was upset, she would tell me that it's all my fault. Now... how in the world is anything my fault from 8 hours away?! That's the most absurd thing ever! But, I suppose it was always easy to blame me, because no matter how much crap she put me through, i'd always be right there next to her the entire time. I always did anything that I could to make her happy (or what I thought would make her happy), and it never seemed to work. Instead, she would turn it back around, and say it was done out of selfishness, or it wasn't good enough, if only she didn't have me her life would be better, etc.

 

Yes I can relate. The example of me trying to be the good daughter comes to mind. If I learned anything from my experience it's this: your mom's expectations are most likely a moving target, so there is no way you can ever meet them. So instead of focusing on pleasing her, focus on setting healthy boundaries. And remember, there could be (and most likely there is) a discrepancy between what she thinks she needs from you and what she actually needs from you. My mom thought she needed me to be her accomplice in the situation with my sister, but really I was just enabling the situation. Your priority has to be YOUR well-being here. So, today, do one thing that makes you happy or relaxes you and then get back to helping her. The healthier you are, the easier it will be to set proper boundaries for the both of you.

 

You know, i've done things my entire life to make sure that she was happy. I've actually found comfort in doing those things. If I don't do them... I become very on edge. It's like waiting for a ticking time bomb to go off. I just wait for her to come home, or notice I didn't do a certain thing, and blow up. Doing those things makes me feel more at peace, and able to relax. So, as bad as this sounds, my way of relaxing is to make sure everything is done so that I don't have to listen to non stop screaming when my mother gets home.

 

I have two options at this point, and both really suck. I can either stay here, push through this with her (which becomes extremely emotionally draining), or I can move. If I move, i'll constantly be worried about whether or not she's eating, or taking care of the dog or the house, whether she's alive and whether she's going to work. I believe it'll be more bothersome if I move out right now. It's basically a choice between worrying non stop, or being miserable.

[EricaH329]

Pardon me for jumping in on this thread so late, but it strikes a chord with me as well.

 

My Mom passed two years ago, but I feel like I'm just now starting to realize how much her negative outlook affected me emotionally.

 

I saw parallels in both stories that resonated with me, specifically, the verbal abuse towards both you, Erica; and you, Kamille. I realize they are the words of depressed people, but they are abusive nonetheless. (I got the same thing, I never measured up, I did everything wrong,her life would have been so much better had she never been saddled with "us kids"....)

 

I'm sharing this , because I think the damage it does to us personally ,needs to be acknowledged. I think I swept it under the rug for a couple of decades, and now that I'm in my 40's , I'm starting to see how much it has colored my outlook......Even if I don't show it on the surface, there's a part of me inside that completely crumples at the slightest criticism.Suddenly, I'm that crestfallen 10 year old again. At least I've finally come to understand why I react that way..............

 

Geez, i'm so sorry to hear you went through something very similar!! That's such a shame! I really wish none of us had to deal with this!

 

I can most certainly relate to crumbling at criticism. The closer a person is to me, the more it effects me. To be honest, i've never really given it much thought. I always accepted that to be a part of who I am. You bring up a very good point. Thanks for pointing that out!

 

what I fear for you, Erica, is that you might be minimizing your Mom's verbal abuse, because all you can see is that she is in crisis.I'm afraid it might affect you more than you realize..........Make sure you take the time to tune into your own feelings, and don't shrug off the verbal abuse---set your boundaries with it.

 

The thing is, i've put it in my head somehow that abuse is a very very very strong word meant for extreme cases. Because of that, I never believe that anything that happens to me (my mothers verbal abuse for example) to be considered abuse. Because of that, I believe that maybe I did shrug it off. I admit, there have been multiple occasions where the things she has said has made me cry myself to sleep. I still do cry sometimes when she goes off on rants about how i'm worthless. I've learned a long time ago, though, that I can't say anything back, or leave the room while she's ranting. It'll make her that much more mad. I need to sit there and listen to it, and she'll eventually tire herself out and that'll be the end of it.

 

Has your mom been officially diagnosed with a personality disorder? You mentioned alcoholism, and depression, but I wonder if those aren't symptoms of something bigger..........frankly what you described sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder.......fear of abandonment, verbal abuse directed at those closest to you, attention seeking behaviors,and using threats of self-harm or suicide, to keep a tight leash on loved ones.People with BPD tend to see everything in black and white, no middle ground or shades of grey.

 

" I hate you, you suck, but please don't leave me........"

 

While I'm certainly not a psychotherapist, or a psychologist, and am therefore not qualified to make a diagnosis---what you've described is bringing that particular PD to mind. I'm only going to recommend that you take the time to do some reading on the subject, see if it rings true for you.If it is BPD, the good news is that it can be managed and treated.

 

That sounds exactly like my mother!!! But only towards me. She doesn't do this with any of my other family members, as far as I know. I know for a fact that she doesn't do this with my brother, she's actually the complete opposite with him. She constantly praises him, and gives him things she would never give me. I am her outlet. Always have been and always will be. It's something i've accepted a long time ago.

 

While I commend you for taking care of her like you have been........I really hope some of your other family members will step up to the plate, it's really not fair for this to all be on your shoulders.......

 

(((((hugs))))) to both you and Kamille

 

Thank you so much for your advice!! It really means a great deal to me!!

 

I, too, hope that my family members will step up. However, I don't see that happening. My mother is an extremely difficult person, and for someone who has a lot going on in their lives, it's too much to take on. Especially when there is zero appreciation on her end.

[mickleb]

Erica -

 

Your mother is mentally very unwell, Erica. Hard as it may be, you must try not to take her words or behaviour personally. It will do neither you nor her any good.

 

I understand that you said one of your mum's biggest concerns is money, right now. But I am concerned that she is too ill to be working.

 

Work can be a wonderful form of stability in a mentally ill person's life but, at times, it can be too much to handle.

 

Can you speak to her about this and speak to her employer? I think your mum needs to be focusing on recovering and nothing more, at this stage.

 

Have you called a doctor about your mother's health?

 

She needs more than family members at this stage, I think.

 

x

[EricaH329]

Erica, where is your dad? Can he help you or your mom?

 

My dad would never understand. He always knew she was very emotionally unstable, but he wouldn't be able to comprehend the lengths this has gotten to. They are not in eachothers lives anymore, and haven't been for quite some time. The only time they ever talk (which is extremely rare) is when it has something to do with me or my brother.

 

Erica -

 

Your mother is mentally very unwell, Erica. Hard as it may be, you must try not to take her words or behaviour personally. It will do neither you nor her any good.

 

I understand that you said one of your mum's biggest concerns is money, right now. But I am concerned that she is too ill to be working.

 

Work can be a wonderful form of stability in a mentally ill person's life but, at times, it can be too much to handle.

 

Can you speak to her about this and speak to her employer? I think your mum needs to be focusing on recovering and nothing more, at this stage.

 

Have you called a doctor about your mother's health?

 

She needs more than family members at this stage, I think.

 

x

 

I am literally terrified to go behind her back and talk to anyone about this. I actually can't believe that I talked to my Aunt about it, I had hit rock bottom and I just didn't know what to do. If I were to go to her employer, it would most likely get her fired or taken away from her job in some fashion, and my mother would kill me. Not kidding, most likely in my sleep.

 

If I talk to her about quitting her job, she will yell and scream at me, telling me she can't because if she were to do that then we would lose our house and everything she's worked so hard for. And then she will, somehow, turn the conversation into something i've done wrong.

 

I am currently applying for a job where, if I get it, i'll be making just as much as she is. I figure that way, she can take more time off of her job and she won't be worried about money. I've suggested to her that we sell the house and move into a townhouse or apartment somewhere, and that if we do that she can quit her job and I can afford everything. However, she refuses to do that, and again (as I previously mentioned) she ends up turning the conversation into a 'Why Erica is worthless' conversation.

[EricaH329]

Is he single? Is he willing to say take her out for lunch or dinner? Old love can sometime really easily be rekindled, especially if there was a marriage. Maybe ask him to come visit and when he does, leave the house and let them stay at the house alone. Things can start to happen.

 

No way. My mother and father are two completely different people. Not in the 'opposites attract' kind of way, but more of a 'what the hell was I thinking' type of way. That will never happen. They really, really do not like eachother. To be honest (as bad as this may sound) I don't really know any man that would want to be involved with my mother, most certainly not right now.